Would You Consider This Okay?

She's 28, an immigrant, I'm 33. I have C-PTSD, so relationships do not come easily. Been together 3 months, a very rocky time.

Last week, we had a really amazing date. The next day she came over for about an hour and a half. I kissed her for the first time - her first kiss, ever (in her country, due to Islam, it is forbidden and very dangerous to be in a relationship). Our date and kiss part could not have been more storybook - I don't regret those for one second.

I was aware she hadn't kissed before and so intended to just take it slow, and just make out for a while. While I enjoyed her body a bit, she progressed things in a way I didn't expect - and I didn't stop after that - we had sex.

After a while, I heard her say "bus". She had to catch the last bus home. She had originally planned to stay the night, and was prepared to, by sleeping in another bed (longer story), but a miscommunication meant she changed her plans to catch the last bus home. So I was a bit unhappy that she didn't just stay with me (- though she had mentioned the bus beforehand).

I walked her to the bus stop, holding hands. We were quiet, mostly just soaking things in. At the bus stop, she told me, "you can go now. If you want. No problem." It was pitch black and there were two guys around so I told her I would wait until the bus arrived. She said ok. A few moments later, as the bus was arriving, she completely snapped: "ok, go now, thank you, you're welcome, goodbye!" with an insane look on her face. I left immediately.

She SMS'd asking me if I was ok. I waited for a bit and replied making a joke - "I grazed my knee somehow". She replied, "yes yes. Joking tonight..". I asked her if she was okay. She said, "maybe" and that she still could not believe it.

I saw her the next morning as I got on the bus. She was on it and I passed her as I walked down the aisle. She gave me a secret smile and an uncharacteristically goofy wave. -At least I know she had a good time, then!

I went into no contact to sort out how I felt after the bus stop incident - and my apparent inability to read her mind over SMS (/s).

She SMS'd me later that morning after passing her on the bus. She said she was very upset. She said she is a Muslim woman; it is a great sin for her; she cannot forgive herself. She asked me not to kiss or have sex with her again (presumably before marriage??) and said she feels very guilty.

The idea of talking to her just hurts right now - she deals out SO much rejection so regularly. The thing is, she knew these things beforehand - she knew damn well that I had been trying to kiss her. I didn't know she wasn't "allowed" to do that! She said she was unsure about the religion, and doesn't wear a hijab etc. By comparison, I was doing what I wanted - she knew very well what I was like!

I actually feel used. It really hurts me- it was her first time and things should have been special and intimate. I don't like that she left me like that - when she was actually prepared to stay the night - but mainly that she went totally nuts at me at the bus stop.

And I take religious views very seriously. ...I let her have what she wanted... and got involved in breaking something sacred.

She is so cold and rejecting. She almost never shows any sign of being in love - she does say it from time to time, and we do have fun - but any move I make on her almost ends the relationship - she does NOT reciprocate. She only wants to chase me and won't allow me to have feelings for her - if I do, I'm too weak (probably fair to be honest, but still!). I am quite surprised that we kissed actually. So I've learned to almost entirely let her decide when she wants to be close to me - never enough for my liking! ...I can't even cuddle her! No kissing!? I don't know..

I almost wonder if she wants The Dark Knight to chase after. The thing is, what happens when I don't meet her expectations in other areas - when she stops feeling like she wants to chase me? See ya later? The kind of tolerance I've showed her, she would NOT show me... she's not a total ice queen, but where is the love?... I'm nobody in this relationship...

Calling her an ice queen, and saying that she is cold and rejecting, isn't very compassionate about a woman you supposedly love. What do you know about her background? People don't get that shut down and fearful for no reason.

And it sounds like she doesn't trust you for some reason.

The other side of this is... it sounds like an unhappy relationship and that you aren't suited to each other, so why do you continue to stay in it?

Bottom line, you are not compatible. If she has a history of being cold, then why would you allow it to get to this level? Don't date people with expectation they will change.

This had disaster written all over it. It is time to end it.

It's frustrating to be this incompatible on so many levels and come from vastly different cultures where you don't understand hers and she doesn't understand yours. It sounds like she is frightened and feels guilty for betraying her faith. It has nothing to do with "being cold" or "rejection". It's a lack of cultural sensitivity or feasibility or respecting each other's needs. Don't date devotedly religious people if you want casual sex.

her first kiss, ever in her country, due to Islam, it is forbidden and very dangerous to be in a relationship. - we had sex.

 

She said she is a Muslim woman; it is a great sin for her; she cannot forgive herself. She asked me not to kiss or have sex with her again and said she feels very guilty.

She now views you as the man who tempted her and lead her down a bad road of lust and sin.

When you were at the bus stop, she was angry at you and herself which is why she did not want you near her anymore. She didn't want to be reminded of what just happened as she was ashamed of it.

I can't see this working. You want a relationship with cuddling, kissing etc. She see's it as a sin. If you continue to try to steer her in that direction, she will resent and blame you, even if she went along with it.

She won't ever see your intimacy as anything but evil. It's her religion, it's what she's been taught to respect.

I think if you want to be with her at all, you will respect her views and not tempt her into touching or kissing etc. But I can't see you being happy with that.

Like other posters have said, you are incompatible. You view the world through two different set of lens.

Dude she's not in any way ready for a relationship. Stop trying to force this.

Find someone who is ready to date and has compatible views as you.

She now views you as the man who tempted her and lead her down a bad road of lust and sin.

 

When you were at the bus stop, she was angry at you and herself which is why she did not want you near her anymore. She didn't want to be reminded of what just happened as she was ashamed of it.

 

I can't see this working. You want a relationship with cuddling, kissing etc. She see's it as a sin. If you continue to try to steer her in that direction, she will resent and blame you, even if she went along with it.

She won't ever see your intimacy as anything but evil. It's her religion, it's what she's been taught to respect.

 

I think if you want to be with her at all, you will respect her views and not tempt her into touching or kissing etc. But I can't see you being happy with that.

 

Like other posters have said, you are incompatible. You view the world through two different set of lens.

This is what screams at me:"She is so cold and rejecting. She almost never shows any sign of being in love -" I don't understand why this was pursued, as they have been dating such a short time, and she is like this.

I agree, Holly.

I think she is a very mixed up girl being raised Muslim and trying to live another way of life and blaming him when it goes wrong or she feels ashamed.

You can't fix that.

They don't belong together.

I agree, Holly.

 

I think she is a very mixed up girl being raised Muslim and trying to live another way of life and blaming him when it goes wrong or she feels ashamed.

 

You can't fix that.

 

They don't belong together.

But, she was cold before this happened. It seems like the OP likes a project, and wants to pursue someone who is emotionally unavailable, due to his own unavailability.

OP, I suggest you check out baggagereclaim.com It will help you understand your choices in partners.

I agree.

I don't think we ever choose people by accident, even the broken ones. We choose them due to our own issues or something inside of us that thinks we either don't deserve better or can't do better.

There is always a reason somewhere as to why a relationship with the wrong person keeps happening.

I agree.

 

I don't think we ever choose people by accident, even the broken ones. We choose them due to our own issues or something inside of us that thinks we either don't deserve better or can't do better.

 

There is always a reason somewhere as to why a relationship with the wrong person keeps happening.

Totally agree, Girl!!!!!!!!

Hi Slagar,

She is a game player - #1. So you first have to decide if you want to play the game (back) or not.

That she had sex with you is not insignificant - unless of course she has sex with everybody (part of the game could be lying to you abotu never having been with another guy yet or not - was there anything you could determine about this when you had sex with her (supposedly the first time she ever had sex? if that is true sex would have been rather uncomfortable and possibly painful for her.. ). Or did it seem natural and flowing and familiar (in which case she's probably kissed and been with a man before?)

So here is what we know - she likes to chase you. She likes to play games and encourage you to come close, then push you away when you do. You can play the same game back depending on what you want from this - at true relationship or some fun. If you want a true relationship - walk away from her. There is no healthy relationship with game players. If you want fun - then it's time to turn the tables and make her chase you. How? the more you resist the more she tries to get you to pursue her right? So keep resisting until SHE has to pursue YOU and see what happens. Then even if you give in, always make it feel like your resisting in some way.. or keep her at bay now and then.

Good luck.

Hi Slagar,

 

She is a game player - #1. So you first have to decide if you want to play the game (back) or not.

That she had sex with you is not insignificant - unless of course she has sex with everybody (part of the game could be lying to you abotu never having been with another guy yet or not - was there anything you could determine about this when you had sex with her (supposedly the first time she ever had sex? if that is true sex would have been rather uncomfortable and possibly painful for her.. ). Or did it seem natural and flowing and familiar (in which case she's probably kissed and been with a man before?)

 

So here is what we know - she likes to chase you. She likes to play games and encourage you to come close, then push you away when you do. You can play the same game back depending on what you want from this - at true relationship or some fun. If you want a true relationship - walk away from her. There is no healthy relationship with game players. If you want fun - then it's time to turn the tables and make her chase you. How? the more you resist the more she tries to get you to pursue her right? So keep resisting until SHE has to pursue YOU and see what happens. Then even if you give in, always make it feel like your resisting in some way.. or keep her at bay now and then.

 

Good luck.

That sounds like a lot of games and a complete waste of time. Why would you encourage him to pursue any of this? Plus, she has been cold all along.

I agree with Holly. Too many games and why make so many effort in games to get someone you're so incompatible with? Would he have to continue to play games through out all the relationship? For the ego of saying he got her? To feel good about himself for having someone who's not a match pursuing him?

Too much effort and time spent in something that won't lead no where good and healthy.

OP, we tried to warn you in your last thread not to pursue this: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=554970

Unfortunately, you have learned the hard way that we were right. This is a dead end and you need to drop the whole idea. She is not going to be your girlfriend.

People don't listen lol so why is he posting asking for advice?

I doubt this girl is even a virgin to begin with. Who goes from "not ever been kissed" to sex just like that?

She's got major issues and the OP clearly does to. There is no silver lining in this messed up situation. I'd be running away.

Would You Consider This Okay?

It might be okay for you, but there's no way I'd involve myself with anyone who's not capable of having a loving, trusting and relaxed relationship.

OP, we tried to warn you in your last thread not to pursue this: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=554970

 

Unfortunately, you have learned the hard way that we were right. This is a dead end and you need to drop the whole idea. She is not going to be your girlfriend.

After reading that thread I not only agree with this comment, I also notice that it's not the first time you took things to the extreme

I was so hurt by the rejection at this stage - the words and actions cut so deep

At the end of the day while your feelings are valid, you seem to be choosing to engage in self-destructive behavior with this woman... reinforcing your low self-worth by continuing to have a relationship with her even though you feel like $hit because of how she is behaving towards you... knowing you are in a fragile place as you recover from your PTSD.

Nothing any one on here says is going to fix your situation until you are willing to take action on your end.

Things moved too quickly for her -- and she put the breaks on.

I think blanking her and going no contact was childish.

I think you should acknowledge that she is not playing games - she got carried away in the moment. She tried the idea of being Western and dating on, and it freaked her out a little bit.

If she were a non-immigrant and you made out and she told you she went too far and wanted to take things slow, would you angrily block her number??

I would have, in your shoes, agreed with her that you would not kiss her and meet her again for coffee and act in friendship so therefore even if you don't see her after that, you end things on a good note, and not some guy who angrily decides she is a player. It would have been good for you in your emotional development, too. you don't have to smite everyone that decides you are not for them.

I agree that you should only date women who are available -- women who are in the market to find a man to date.

Please get help for your PTSD before pursuing any other woman.

In your description, in the beginning, you talk clearly about knowing her background and knowing her reservations, her religion, and despite knowing this, you moved forward when she moved forward. You speak as if you knew. Then you later backtrack and say you didn't know. How were you to know? Which one is it, OP?

I see you leaping straight into the fire. You well-knew this woman had reservations and stigmas associated with her upbringing, and you went in for the kill instead of taking a step back and thinking about the long-term ramifications...is this a good idea?

She doesn't know what she wants or what to do. She grew up in a highly structured and dominating belief system with some strict rules, and while she might not adhere to these beliefs and rules right now, she has a major inner struggle on right and wrong...a fight between X values and Y values, and neither values are wrong.

People who are raised in a highly structured and domineering belief system, one that they do not necessarily believe or adhere to, have major inner battles and struggles. They may also face being fully shunned by their family, trash talked, and their reputations blown. It's a major issue, and one best avoided. Even someone who has fully ousted themselves and embrace the fact it's over with the family, carry major burdens.

If you weren't fully aware of the religious ramifications, and the familial ramifications, I do believe you had a full sense that something was "amiss" and yet you fell into the intimacy because "she took the lead," and okay, you knew but you ignored, but now you're dealing with the ramification. Her sense of guilt, her shame.

Don't get involved with anyone that has this much conflict...just don't. Lesson learned. I have been there, done that, and when it comes to this high level of religious and cultural and family conflict, I just don't think it's worth it. Let her go. Let her deal with her struggles. Maybe sometime down the road, she'll have a better sense of self, but despite that, you still have to deal with her demons and her family...do you want to raise your children this way; subject them to a lifestyle you inherently oppose? What new drama will erupt with your refusal?

I have no idea what C-PTSD is. What does the "C" stand for. Why are you trying to get yourself involved in a romantic relationship while you still cling to your label? Do you think maybe you should get your ducks in a row first? Maybe it wouldn't prompt you to get involved with a woman who is exceptionally confused with her own emotional garbage?