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Thread: Help

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Nov 2018
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    Help

    I am a porn addict living a lie.
    I dont have any friends and most of the time i go more than 2 days without talking to anyone relevant.
    I live alone, that makes it worse because it has made me feel insecure about trusting anybody.
    Most people that know me, know lies about me.
    I tell people am from a stable family. That my home is in the capital (where my 'father' lives) and in another town (where my mom lives).
    I am afraid of people. I am afraid of what they think of me. I dont like to talk much because i know what i will say will be lies so as to impress the person listening.
    I have never had a stable relationship with anyone. Even my sister for the better parts of our lives, used to dislike me. Its not her fault, its because even i cant understand myself.
    I was abandoned by my father when i was still a baby. That ordeal has always weighed in on my heart like a ton of rocks. Even though he used to come once in a long while to visit us, i always felt bitter because i knew we werent good enough for him.
    I have never been raised by a man. I have never had a father figure in my life which made it harder for me to understand what being a man is all about.
    I am weak, cowardly and poor in making decisions.
    I have tried to raise myself right, but i guess i dont even know what being right is all about.
    I used to think i was meant for something greater, and it blinded me for so long. I went in denial about what my life is. I have always refused to tell people that am a bastard, that i dont have a family name, heritage, or background. I dont know who i am in this world. I have never been accepted in this lifetime.
    The only person who tries to understand me is my mother. But she has never done it fully. I dont know how she sees me in her eyes. But most theories i have come up with havent been positive. My face alone reminds her of the man who broke her heart, i remind her of the day her life took an unexpected turn, and she has always seen me as a responsbility that was left for her..but i have always understood her.
    She has always gotten along with my sister but yet she has never known how to deal with me..and i understand why.
    I have never been okay. I have tried alot to numb the pain in my heart and to always set my mind in check. But i can only hold on for so long since most of those solutions have always been temporary.
    That is how i ended up being a porn addict.

    Alot of people have disappointed me. Those i managed to trust have always betrayed me and i have suffered rejections more times than i can count. I have never talked to anyone, i have never found anyone who has gone through the same things as me.

    Am 22 years old now. I am unsure of how to deal with my life. I have no purpose, no heritage or legacy, my mind is darken by my past, and am not even sure i have a problem.

    All i know is that sometimes i go to bed praying that i may never wake up. Just to make time stop and everything that happens in it.. am i a coward just to think of this?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
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    OK. What country do you live in, because your background wouldn't matter much in a Western country. Do you have a job? That would get you out of the house meeting people. Where does the porn come in? You didn't mention it past the first sentence. How often are you watching porn?

    It sounds like you need to get out of the house and find yourself a therapist to go over your situation with and you need a job to keep you busy. Otherwise, you should get plenty of exercise, long walks out in nature, hang out with some friends you can talk to, and try to do things you like to do.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member
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    Why don't you seek therapy? Why don't you try to improve your life? You are an adult and need to make some changes.

  4. #4
    Bronze Member LootieTootie's Avatar
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    Well first step is stop feeling sorry for yourself. Secondly, own up to your past and your family and how it has made you who you are. Third, you are no bastard and you may think so, but in America, it's quite common to grow up with a single parent so you are not unique in that category.

    You are probably a sex addict because you can't maintain a relationship in order to get your sexual needs taken care of. You have to realize that if you want a meaningful relationship, you need to work on the relationships that you do have, your mom and your sister. When you realize how to maintain a healthy relationship with them, maybe you can go out there and establish a real relationship.

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  6. #5
    Gold Member
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    OK, life has been less than fair to you but you are too young to feel like this. I am sincerely sorry you've been through so much pain. But, now it's time to stop focusing on all the negative parts of your life. That truly serves no purpose other than letting things fester inside you. There are plenty of people who are in much worse situations, remember that. Everyone goes through their private hell at some point in their lives. The only one who can make you happy is you. You're only 22; guess that explains why you are such a drama queen. Get off your butt and stop feeling sorry for yourself. Enough already. Do something about it. Start by seeking help from a therapist. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. If you seek help you will get out of this rut with small baby steps. Please get yourself fixed and you'll see that your whole outlook will change. Start seeing the "glass half full". Hang in there and get better. You, and only you, have the power to change yourself.

  7. #6
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    Before you worry about trying to have a relationship with another person (aka combine the lives of 2 people) - you will have to work on and fix YOUR life.
    These are understandable issues and concerns. You are not alone. Many people are going thru what you have and have the same fears and insecurities you have. These things can be worked on and you can overcome these doubts and fears - and you should as step 1 before trying to make it harder by having a relationship.

    Counseling with a professional would be the best way to get started and get on the right path. I highly recommend this in your case given the number of things you are going thru and variables in place.

    Good luck and please do see a professional - it will be the fastest and cleanest / best way to get you on track and understand what's going on, and how to overcome it.


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