Husband’s complacency is getting annoying

Hello,

Lately I’ve been annoyed at the level of complacency my husband is at. He has been practically begging me to start trying to get pregnant. I want a baby too but the problem is that our home is too small. We live in a very small 3 bedroom house, but one of the bedrooms is too small to actually be a bedroom so we have made it an office and the other spare room has been turned into a closet because the closets in the master bedroom are too small to hold all of our stuff. So if we have a baby, the baby will literally have to share a room with us. Plus, with the expense of a child I’m worried we won’t be able to continue to save money for a bigger house. I have suggested that we go ahead and start looking at land to purchase so we can build a house but my husband doesn’t even seem remotely interested. He just thinks everything will be fine and dandy and we will just out of the blue find the perfect house. I feel like he isn’t being realistic and I just can’t being myself to try to get pregnant when we aren’t even taking the necessary steps towards getting a bigger house. My husband wants a bigger house, but isn’t doing anything about it. He thinks we can have a baby is our small house and that everything will work out. But I’m a planner and I just don’t want to until all of our ducks are in a row. What should I do? I’m getting frustrated.

Houses are like purses. The bigger the house, the more stuff you find to put in it and then you feel like you need a bigger house. Lol!

My first recommendation is to get rid of stuff. You can buy extra stand-up closet space. If you need a whole extra room (and not just part of a closet), you probably have waaaaay too much stuff.

That said - if you are planning to have a bigger family, it is absolutely true that kids cost money and it won’t be easy to save.

Have you looked at what a 4-bedroom house would cost in your area? Do you know what the difference in cost would be? Can you carry the extra mortgage - especially if one of you stops working?

Buying and building is a whole other thing which he may simply not be into.

The other thing too, though, is that while kids cost money, usually over time with regular raises, the longer you’ve been in your current house, inflation in combination with your fixed housing costs, etc - people can often move up in house over time. It just takes time. Is he in a career with potential growth?

I think it’s reasonable to set a budget and to try to have a plan, etc for a bigger house. But... ultimately... you have to look at what’s realistic, in what timelines, and your priorities. What happens if you do the research and a bigger house is just not feasible anytime soon? Does that mean you won’t have kids?

Personally, I think the answer here is to start to do some math. While it would be great if he helped with the math, I don’t think it’s required. You can do the math on your own.

Personally, I don’t think that buying land with no solid budget in place to build a house on it is a good plan.

It's best not to make a major decision like having a baby until you're both 100 percent confident/satisfied with the timeline. Just out of curiosity, how old are you two and how long have you been married? Why do you think he's in such a rush? Can you afford a bigger house right now? If so, tell him you'd like to get a realtor and start looking. If not, write out a financial plan for him with a likely timeline to get a bigger house, and tell him that's when you'll be comfortable expanding your family. Sounds like you need to have a discussion about coming to a consensus about major decisions, and that pressuring you to do things you're not comfortable with only stresses you out.

With many couples, opposites attract because you're trying to fulfill those things in yourself that are missing. He was probably attracted to you because you're level headed and a planner--something he's lacking in his life. I bet he's one of those fun-loving, instant gratification people who leaps at whatever is interesting and fun--someone who provides a spark in your life. That's great, but with the differences, you have to work hard to learn to work together. Good luck.

imho, get rid of some stuff, a lot of it!! One thing I do in my closets is to turn around all of my hangers, then when I wear a piece of clothing, I put it back right side. You can see after 6 months what you no longer wear. Have a big garage sale. Get rid of things you rarely use. Shred papers you no longer need. Give stuff to a charity. I am sure you can clean out a lot of stuff. Maybe after a huge purge, you'll see more room in your life for a child. I've seen people have babies in 1 bedroom apartments. Not saying that is ideal, but it will make your prioritize what "stuff" you really need.

Tell him what you told us, as you have very valid concerns. You should either throw out stuff to make room or get serious about buying a bigger house. His lack of facing reality is going to backfire.

How long do you estimate it would take according to your plan before you'd feel comfortable trying for a baby?

I don't know your financial situation but you mentioned you want more time for saving for another house. Does that mean you can't afford to move now and start a family at the same time?

I don't know where you live, but where I am at, buying land and building a house from the ground up takes a good chunk of time and money.

We had a one bedroom apartment -less than 600 square feet -when our son was born. We made it work. We now have a 2 bedroom apartment which we moved into when he was 6 months old. We also work from home a lot. The living room is our "office" and we have a lot of stuff. No plans to move. My parents had a two bedroom apartment and I had a sister -we shared a room - and it worked just fine. My friend has 3 children under 7 and they live in a two bedroom as does another friend - 2 bedroom, three children under 13 and a baby on the way.

If your priority is a larger house/more space then own that that is your priority -it's fine but that is not your husband's priority so you'll have to reach a compromise. I don't agree you need more space to have a child -it's a want, not a need and your husband doesn't need more space. There is no reason you should have a baby if you feel not ready for any reason.

Doesn't mean she needs a 4 bedroom house...just a bigger house in general. Probably a bigger 3 bedroom house. Some houses are so tiny that a bedroom looks like some peoples walk in closet. I think you should wait. what's the rush??? Batya was an older mom....she didn't want to wait. But I think getting all your ducks in a row is a GOOD thing. ou are the person who has to carry the child, and most of the work falls on the mother. (usually) Make a time frame together. Start saving $$ and have a house fund. Start going to open houses...for FUN. Talk about a new house...and make a 1 year plan. A 2 year plan...etc.

Don't just have to say...I'm not ready. Let him know you need a plan...and make him a part of it. But if he can see there is a light at the end of a tunnel (such as a house in 1 year, a baby in 2) maybe he'll get on board. Get excited...and get HIM excited.

A baby DOES put stress on your relationship. And as someone else asked....How old are you and how long have you been married. All parts of the equation. Good luck.

Yes. Certainly wait if you want a certain size home as a prerequisite. I was an older mom and even if I’d been younger I would not have needed more than a 2 bedroom apartment before having a baby. Even one would have been ok for the first year. We had one for the first three months. I did have all the ducks in a row I needed for many years other than the right guy. Only reason I waited.

Doesn't sound to me like you really want to have a baby just yet and you're using the size or your house as an excuse to delay it because you know your husband's reaction.

Honestly if you truly want a baby you'll make the room. We have a 2 year old and live in a very small 2 bedroom apartment. We would kill to have a 3 bedroom house - even a small one would be bigger than what we have now. We figured it out and you would too.

I think you need to really consider if you want this or not. There's never a "perfect" time to have a child. You either want it enough to make it work or you don't.

I agree with superfan. (by the way autocorrect initially typed superfine )

When you want a baby, you make space. Both your priorities are not in-sync.

My bf's aunt raises 5 kids in a trailer and they are the most well-mannered kids I've ever met. Sometimes being a minimalist means sacrificing. You have to ask yourself is a baby worth the sacrifice of getting rid of all those worldly possessions.

Nothing wrong with wanting your living situation to be optimal before having a baby, because moving with a baby can be all sorts of hell (speaking from experience), but I have such a hard time seeing a 3 bedroom house being too small. Of course it might be the tiniest house I’ve seen, but my family makes due in a 2 bedroom space, toddler included and we are really happy. Again, not trying to convince you to just have a baby now if it’s not what you want, but do you think your housing is truly the issue for you or are you perhaps just not ready to fully commit to having a baby? Nothing wrong with that.

Also to add, most infants don’t need their own room until like 6 months to a year. Our daughter slept in a bassinet next to our bed for the first 6 months until we moved her to her own room. Some people wait even longer. So if you add that to the 9 months of pregnancy plus maybe a few months to get pregnant you’re looking at Roughly a year and a half worth of time until you really need a baby room. Again, you need to be fully onboard with the baby idea, but I don’t see how the house is the core of the issue. Sounds like perhaps you just want to wait a bit longer.

Do you both work? What are your finances like in terms of mortgage/equity, assets/debt and what is affordable in terms of a larger home? This isn't about starting a family, it's about you want a bigger house and he doesn't.

Stop suggesting "looking at land". Start cleaning out your house. Every day go through a room/area and decide what can be saved, what can be donated, what can be thrown out and what can be sold on one of the multitude of sites. Have a garage sale. Where there is clutter, there is debt. It means people buy more stuff than they need. Turn trash into cash with garage sales and online sale of too much stuff. Many pack-rats start feeling claustrophobic in their own homes because the stuff is getting out of control.

Then you need to realistically review your fiances. Incomes, taxes, bills, mortgage, equity, assets, debt, credit scores, etc. You need to get an accountant to review your tax strategies and what the implications are with a larger home and/or mortgage are. You need a financial planner to help you begin a saving and financial planning strategy as well as review what your real bottom line is in terms of assets vs deficits.

Once you both have reviewed and thoroughly understand your finances, a logical discussion of buying a larger home can begin. Without that it will be an endless debate about space and stuff and starting a family.

We live in a very small 3 bedroom house, but one of the bedrooms is too small to actually be a bedroom so we have made it an office and the other spare room has been turned into a closet because the closets in the master bedroom are too small to hold all of our stuff. with the expense of a child I’m worried we won’t be able to continue to save money for a bigger house.

My husband, me, our son, cat, and dog lived in a one-bedroom until our son was 2.5. And we were very comfortable and loved it. Saved a bunch of money too. Granted, we had a basement, a shed, and 1/3 of an acre, so had plenty of room to stretch. But no baby ever gets born demanding a big house. They really don't take up much room. It's only when you have two kids, and you want to run away from the insanity that you need more rooms.

In fact, when we moved into current house, it was so big, we didn't know what to do with ourselves, so the first 4 months or so, we ate, hung out, and did work in our master bedroom. I mean, now it feels small because we have SO MUCH CRAP.

Raising kids for the most part is cheap. Babies don't need much of anything in the beginning. It's really about what the parents want to give them that make them expensive...they need clothes, crib, car seats, food, formula, bottles, doctor visits, bibs, books, toys, diapers (8/day), powder, cream, wipes...Granted most stuff can be received at the baby shower, register for everything!!! And the rest, estimate maybe $200/month? If you don't give them much. And then daycare, which is about $1200 to $2000/month? So, you need about $1400/mo. But if you have folks who can watch them, then great.

If you want to save $100K for them for college by the time they turn 18, you need to save $3241.16/year, which will grow based on compounding interest, so generally about $270/month.

I find it a person is not ready to have kids, it will always be something, like the right career path, money, house.

And here's the rub; you're the one that wants a bigger home, so why is it your husband's job to initiate the process?

Finding a used home and putting the money into a home inspector worth his weight will almost universally be a less expensive and a much more secure investment than buying a plot and dealing with contractors and constructions costs and all the potential hiccups. While I think all of us would like the idea of a home being custom built to our own preferences, I'm not sure why you're trying to push that angle above all else.

My mother had my sister and me living with her as a single mother in a one-bedroom apartment. Now I'm not saying that should be anyone's aspiration, and I've actually got a lot of respect for people who do get their ducks in a row for the benefit of the child, but it's difficult to imagine how a couple couldn't make a 3BR work with one child.

Others raised good questions regarding your earning potential and how feasible it would be to buy a larger place. Then there's the question of how long afterward it would take to save up to support a child. Going your desired road, it's difficult to say how many more years you're talking. Everyone wants a big comfortable house in a desirable location. Not everyone gets one. We'd be a pretty sparse population if that were the established criteria. Obviously don't have a child if you don't want one right now, or with him in particular. But you may want to think on how realistic you're being with regard to how much you want to weigh money / a big custom house vs. the time it would take to save for that and a child.

This is a pretty serious impasse. You may want to consider having a counselor mediate the topic.

It sounds like you are not ready to have children and the house is a smokescreen for these feelings. You know was well as any of us here that if you really wanted a child right now, nothing would stop you from clearing out space and getting rid of stuff to make room for your child.

It’s ok not to be ready... what’s concerning is that you and your husband are on totally different pages right now. You guys need to find the option that works for both of you.

Wow. Thank you all for responding. Maybe some of you are right and I’m just not ready to have a baby. There were a lot of comments about how a three bedroom house should be big enough- I don’t think you are understanding the part when I said the bedrooms are too small to be bedrooms. I wasn’t exaggerating. They are the size of a closet. I also feel like we have enough saved up and and make enough to sustain a higher mortgage. However, I fear that if we have a child now, we will use up our savings. I feel like part of the problem is that I want my kids to have a perfect life- not the kind of life I had. But I know that’s unrealistic.

What specifically about how you grew up do you fear/not want to repeat with your children? I think it's natural to want more for children than what we had. But I think it's worth exploring what this idea of a 'perfect life' really means as far as your own experiences and expectations.

Then there is the matter of sitting down with hubs and discussing goals and time lines. That is an ongoing convo in any relationship.

Wow. Thank you all for responding. Maybe some of you are right and I’m just not ready to have a baby. There were a lot of comments about how a three bedroom house should be big enough- I don’t think you are understanding the part when I said the bedrooms are too small to be bedrooms. I wasn’t exaggerating. They are the size of a closet. I also feel like we have enough saved up and and make enough to sustain a higher mortgage. However, I fear that if we have a child now, we will use up our savings. I feel like part of the problem is that I want my kids to have a perfect life- not the kind of life I had. But I know that’s unrealistic.

Size of a closet works perfectly for an infant/baby -especially since the current recommendations are that the crib be in your room for the first year (we had a mini crib so it could fit in the small one bedroom)

It depends on what "perfect" means. Do you mean money/material things -more than you had? I actually never aspired to give my child "perfect' but to be the best parent I could possibly be and to find someone who also wanted a family as much as I did and would be a good father (and I did). Some of that required money because I made sure I'd saved enough so we could have me stay home for several years and be the full time caregiver. Yes, it's important to have a nest egg, to have some money for the child's education fund for later, etc. But I would need to know if "perfect" refers to the best of everything -material things.

You know what is perfect to a child IMO? Knowing that his parents care about him immensely -and that that caring shows through loving actions, through listening (i.e. putting that darn phone away), through making him feel safe and secure. Sure, it's awesome to give your child great experiences -travel, culture, theater, music, lessons, activities- and great to see his face light up if you buy that special thing he's wanted forever - but you can do a lot of that on very little money.

Yesterday we spent 2 hours in our local gorgeous park - finding the places to walk with the most crunchy leaves, feeding the ducks stale bread and checking out all of the trees that were climbable and all of the playground equipment that was climbable. He wanted to veg at home and watch TV and I took charge and said nope, going on a nature walk and feeding the ducks. He didn't think that was in the least bit perfect at first. In fact he was heard to say "worst day ever!!!" when I told him our plan. And in the "mama knows best" category he ended up having a blast.

Perfect life? No- and if you try to give perfect and your child thinks that is your goal he will never be satisfied. I taught my child a saying when he was 4 because he was so picky about food and toys -meaning if they had a flaw he didn't want them anymore "it's not perfect but it's still wonderful." Sure they should see you striving to be the best parent you can be, to see you admit to your mistakes and make changes where needed, to see how you react to their mistakes - but I don't think you want to raise entitled children.

I'm glad you are being honest with yourself.