It’s his home, on paper.

Hi all, I have just moved into my boyfriends flat. We are going through the adjustment period of living together. This is the first time I’ve lived with a partner. We have been having some silly arguments this week. My boyfriend is very social and outgoing and I’m very shy due to insecurities which I’m working on. We had an conversation because he was talking to a couple at the gym we go to and he introduced me and after I said hi, I quickly got out of the conversation with them and said I’m heading home. I wasn’t rude, I just didn’t hang around to talk. I realise this was unfair of me because it would have meant a lot to my boyfriend to stop and talk with them. I’m just more of a go to the gym, do the workout and go home where he likes to talk to people there. Anyway I apologised to him- no ones is perfect right and I will work on this for his and my sake. One thing that’s really hurt during our argument is that he said if anyone should leave when things get heated, it’s me and this is his flat on paper and if he asks me to leave then I should. This confuses me as he told me that this is my home now, but how can I ever feel that way if he says things like that. Is he right? Is this his home? Will I ever feel like it’s mine? Any tips on how to feel when your the one moving in would be so appreciated.

What he said at the gym is how he feels. Wow! Talk about having to walk on eggshells for fear that you will get thrown out. He sounds like a jerk.

If you choose to go home after a workout, then that is your prerogative. You should not have apologized, if he chooses to hang out.

I would reassess tis relationship.

I think you are talking about two very separate issues.

For the social aspect - I don’t think you did anything wrong. This is a situation where you both need to find middle ground. He likes to chit chat. You don’t. I hear ya... I’m not a chit-chatter either. If he wants to stay and have lengthy conversations (probably about nothing) - then he is either free to do so while you leave (perfectly reasonable) or he also needs to respect your comfort levels and keep it short (while you try to have some patience).

As far as moving into his flat - unfortunately, my answer is “no”. You will never truly feel it is your home. I’ve done it... I never felt at home until we got a new place together. My brother-in-law did it with my sister and even renovated the whole house... he never truly felt it was his home until they bought a place together. My friend’s girlfriend did it... when they broke up and she moved out, that’s exactly what she said. She never truly felt it was her home. It’s extremely difficult when one person has a history in the home. There are always little things they like done a certain way (which is also true in a new place)... but... psychologically or whatever... you always have a lingering feeling that you are a permanent visitor in their home. It does not help at all that he is not very sensitive to this. To ask you to leave when there is an argument is unwelcoming and unreasonable.

It sounds like this guy likes to have things “his way” a lot... is this true in other parts of your relationship?

Redress - thank you, I really appreciate your answer. The social aspect is a tricky one. Im Glad you agree and I’m not the only chit chatter :) I’m happy in my own company. What I didn’t realise is That he wanted to make new friends as I’m new to the area and I didn’t realise that (I thought they were just talking fitness) so we both didn’t realise what the other was doing.

With regards to moving into his flat. I agree, I don’t think I will ever feel like home here and we are in the process of buying a house together which will then be ours. He really does like things his way and I understand as I like my way too. We are good at communicating and talking things through as I am not afraid to stand my ground if I believe I have a good arguement or even apologise when I am wrong. What I’m finding hard is to approach the subject that he does like these little things his way, how would I approach this?

How long have you been together?

How long were you together before you moved in?

One year and I moved in a couple of weeks ago so we’re just adjusting to everything right now :)

One year and I moved in a couple of weeks ago so we’re just adjusting to everything right now :)

Too soon for all of this. Have you discussed your future, getting married, etc.?

He's technically correct, in that this is his home. I'm not trying to be harsh here, but you should not have moved in this soon, and to someone else's home, without a plan for a future, and a great piece of legal advice, which would include a living-together arrangement. This can protect you, if worded properly, in the event of future issues. Which would stop your boyfriend from being able to throw his "my home" card in your face.

Having said that, he sounds like a jerk who will always find some ugly thing to throw in your face. Let's say you both moved into a new place and put both of your names on it. He'd then have to find something else ugly to throw at you in arguments. You will never win.

You've only spent a year with this guy. Cut your losses.

Thank you. I’m 29 and a year in to progress a relationship doesn’t seem so quick to me but I will take this on board and make sure I am financially protected. I have close friends and family that I would not hesitate to go back to.

Hi all, I have just moved into my boyfriends flat. We are going through the adjustment period of living together. This is the first time I’ve lived with a partner. We have been having some silly arguments this week. My boyfriend is very social and outgoing and I’m very shy due to insecurities which I’m working on. We had an conversation because he was talking to a couple at the gym we go to and he introduced me and after I said hi, I quickly got out of the conversation with them and said I’m heading home. I wasn’t rude, I just didn’t hang around to talk. I realise this was unfair of me because it would have meant a lot to my boyfriend to stop and talk with them. I’m just more of a go to the gym, do the workout and go home where he likes to talk to people there. Anyway I apologised to him- no ones is perfect right and I will work on this for his and my sake. One thing that’s really hurt during our argument is that he said if anyone should leave when things get heated, it’s me and this is his flat on paper and if he asks me to leave then I should. This confuses me as he told me that this is my home now, but how can I ever feel that way if he says things like that. Is he right? Is this his home? Will I ever feel like it’s mine? Any tips on how to feel when your the one moving in would be so appreciated.

How did this argument escalate from you apologizing for not chatting with the couple, to him reminding you that you are living in his house and if anyone leaves it should be you? What was said in between A and Z here?

You say you've been arguing over silly things all week. Can you elaborate on that? What sort of things have you been bickering about? It's normal to need time to adjust to each other but it sounds like he's got some resentment toward you. Perhaps if you give more details, we can get a better understanding of the current state of the relationship and how it came to this point.

Sorry this is happening. Seriously consider moving back home if he's going to hold this over your head during arguments. Why did you move in with him? He can't just how you out, he has to give you written notice. Did you get a lease agreement? Or a cohabitation agreement? What are you paying for there? Yes it's his place and he can ask you to leave, with proper notice. Keep in mind living together is not a step toward anything, it's convenient sex and half the bills.

This is the first time I’ve lived with a partner. during our argument is that he said if anyone should leave when things get heated, it’s me and this is his flat on paper and if he asks me to leave then I should. This confuses me as he told me that this is my home now, but how can I ever feel that way if he says things like that. Is he right? Is this his home?

"...and if he asks me to leave then I should."

- You've been duped.

This player will use you for sex and chores.

You may have money and something to go back to but you'll never get back the next four year you're about to waste.

Never live with someone.

In the second month of dating, you can cut though the dupers but telling them you'll never live unmarried with someone. Then look for the poof.

PS, While wasting your time with him, you'll miss your true love.

Yes. This. Move out asap, since he's treating you like a mere house guest he can boss around and threaten who is only there to provide him with sex, do chores and pay half the bills.

Move back home or get your own place or a place with roommates. Always get everything in writing. Always have a lease agreement with all costs and expectations explicitly stated in writing.

Never be the live-in help, who gets tossed out on her butt whenever there are arguments. Raise your standards and only do things as equal partners including rights and responsibilities.

This player will use you for sex and chores.

Well regarding what he said about the flat business, yes, it was pretty awful! I mean, so what if it's his flat! He asked you to move there so it's your home now too (he said this himself). He can't just keep lording that over you. Above anything, if you have an argument, why are you expected to leave? Why is he kicking you out? This is extremely petty and immature. I personally think this is a real red flag.

To be honest, your boyfriend seems like a "my way, or the highway" sort of person. He enjoys chatting to people at the gym, you don't, but he's expecting you to do everything his way. That is not OK in a relationship because compromise is needed. Also it's not a big deal anyway because it was just chatting to people at the gym. It's not like you were seeing a show or something and you walked out of the show. I think your boyfriend may have a bit of a control problem.

If someone's threatening to make you homeless whenever you do something they don't like, you should be seriously considering your options. Sure, it's his flat, but telling you that you'd have to leave, when your argument was nothing to do with that, does not bode well. It would be different if you were doing something which was actively damaging his home, or dealing drugs/running a brothel from there - but a disagreement because his idea of socialising is different to yours???

I had a relationship like this, and actually leaving - the first time he ever threatened me with it - was one of the best things I've ever done, even though it was a nightmare and took a lot of sorting out at the time. I realised shortly afterwards that he was really shocked when I did so, and that I'd been expected to grovel, but I reflected on the kind of life I could look forward to if I stayed...

Sorry this is happening. Seriously consider moving back home if he's going to hold this over your head during arguments. Why did you move in with him? He can't just how you out, he has to give you written notice. Did you get a lease agreement? Or a cohabitation agreement? What are you paying for there? Yes it's his place and he can ask you to leave, with proper notice. Keep in mind living together is not a step toward anything, it's convenient sex and half the bills.

Literally LOLing at the last line here [emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]

Well regarding what he said about the flat business, yes, it was pretty awful! I mean, so what if it's his flat! He asked you to move there so it's your home now too (he said this himself). He can't just keep lording that over you. Above anything, if you have an argument, why are you expected to leave? Why is he kicking you out? This is extremely petty and immature. I personally think this is a real red flag.

 

To be honest, your boyfriend seems like a "my way, or the highway" sort of person. He enjoys chatting to people at the gym, you don't, but he's expecting you to do everything his way. That is not OK in a relationship because compromise is needed. Also it's not a big deal anyway because it was just chatting to people at the gym. It's not like you were seeing a show or something and you walked out of the show. I think your boyfriend may have a bit of a control problem.

Yes, this. All of this.

I would start looking for other arrangements for yourself. Just personally, I wouldn't stick around after a partner talks to me that way, but if you decide to stick around then move back out until you guys have had a bit more time in the relationship together and abandon The plans to buy a house together until a few years from now at least. Moving in with someone new can be weird at first, but at no point does it need to get out of hand like this situation. Ithink in this case you are seeing his true colors come out. Don't expect that to change.

Never live with someone.

In the second month of dating, you can cut though the dupers but telling them you'll never live unmarried with someone.

Lots of ummarried people cohabitate, including myself. In fact it's been an increasing trend over the past several years- literally millions of couples staying unmarried and living together. Being married doesn't solve relationshp problems and it doesn't solve the issue of when things go bad one of the two parties needs to move out. It's always going to be that way.

In this specific case- this guy has serious issues- telling her in no uncertain terms that she may be shown the door at any moment- it's a power struggle and she has lost. She really needs to get the heck out of there ASAP and/or he needs to come to terms with the fact that she now has every right to be there and he needs to cut the BS controlling strategies he feels the need to employ. In fact the law is probably on her side as well depending on her specific jurisdiction- he probably can't just kick her out, there's inherent rights once you live somewhere whether you are half a couple or a tenant.