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Thread: Married 11+ years....should I stay?

  1. #1

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    Married 11+ years....should I stay?

    I've been married for 11 years and we have separated once before for 4 months. It was after our second son was born and my husband decided he didn't want this life any more, he didn't love me and he resented me a lot for things I was completely unaware of. I thought it was a midlife crisis kind of thing because having kids changed our lives a lot. He did some counseling and eventually did come back. I thought things were going fine but then a few months ago he started snapping at the kids and I more, being angry all the time, and not wanting to spend time around us. I finally confronted him and he did the same thing. He said he's not happy, he has so much anger for me and never let any of it go from the separation before. He wanted to separate but put it on me. He said I deserve better etc. He has always battled with self hatred but I just build him back up again.

    Some background on him. He had a rough childhood, dad an alcoholic, and his communication has always been an issue. He battles with depression, and holds onto every single negative thing in his life. He can remember word for word an argument we've had 12 years ago and I can't even remember what we talked about last week. I am a forgive and forget kind of person, so when he said we were fine and that he was happy and loved me I believed him. Turns out he was lying and has held resentment against me for years, and it compounds every time we disagree on something. He says things that hurt me a lot. Like he's never loved me, he felt forced to marry me etc. I have self esteem issues so it really affects me. I have constantly been building him up in our marriage but he never does the same for me. But this time I said enough is enough. I have a great job (own my own business) and our kids are older now. I agreed that a separation was best. Mainly because I am exhausted.

    We made plans for me to move out this week and separate. I am exhausted and sick of being in a tension filled house. I was going to move into an apartment but the day I was to be moved his dad passed away suddenly. I obviously dropped everything and was by his side. He wasn't close to his dad but his dad had pushed everyone away and died alone. I thought that might put things into perspective for my husband but he's even more angry now.

    I'm torn. I love him but don't get what I need from him in our marriage. (Communication - he has ignored me for 5 weeks now so our house is tense, romance -he HATES romance, support- he doesn't handle stress well so I deal with all the kid stuff/finances/responsibilities etc). But the main thing is I have never felt he has CHOSEN me...he is just with me because it's easier. Those were his words in one of our fights and they stuck with me. I don't know if any of that will change. Torn between moving out as I originally planned or staying with him to help him through his dad's death. Both options cause me pain, but I am so emotionally drained I just want a break.

    We are in our mid 30s. Have 2 boys, who I don't want damaged too much either.

    I honestly don't care if no one reads this. It feels good to get it out.

  2. #2
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    What do you love about this man? He Has deserted you twice and is emotionally abusive. This situation is terrible for you and the children. Yes. They are absorbing all of this.

    Why is he not moving? Get out of this dysfunctional mess. I strongly suggest therapy! He has worn you down.

  3. #3
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    He has not changed in all of these years. he has told you how he feels and shown you through his lack of affection. I don't get why you think he will suddenly morph into a decent and loving human being? He does not love you.

    If you do not believe you deserve better, it is one thing, but your kids deserve a hell of a lot better than this!

  4. #4
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    It's not the right question to ask on this forum, of course 99.999% of the people here do not believe in relationships so they are going to tell you to leave. I am not going to tell you to.leave or to stay. It's not my place to do so. Things are out of balance where you are now, it is not my impression though that your husband is the reason for your tension and your unhappiness. The greatest gift that you can give each other is to be accepted for who you are. You can start there.

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  6. #5
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    Can you identify anything that might have happened a few months ago which triggered this second round of tension and anger in him?

    If he's done this twice, then I think it's better to concede that this marriage isn't working and he wants out. It's not fair to you to be the one absorbing all his resentment and anger and "building him up" all the time. The dynamic here appears to be one-sided, with you doing the heavy emotional lifting and him checking out.

    Any chance he's met someone else? Sometimes people who are being unfaithful (or have their eye on another person) lash out in anger as a way of driving their partner away and "justifying" their desire to leave the relationship.

  7. #6
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    Well, you know the reason for all of this. You said it yourself. He suffers from depression. I don't know if he means all the things he has said. Usually everything looks bleak when you're depressed. And I guess his dad had it too. Has he ever gotten any treatment for it other than some counseling? These illnesses just fester and get worse with time. He needs to work with a therapist and get some medication.

    I agree with Holly, he's been using his anger to heap lots of emotional abuse on you, but I guess you've been self-confident enough to deflect his attempts to beat you down. Are you taking the kids with you or are you just moving out? You should contact a divorce attorney. Usually the mom gets to stay in the marital house until the kids are 18, or until they're 21 if they go to college. And he should pay child support. Perhaps you're making enough money not to need his money. That's up to you.

    But certainly you don't have to put up with this if he refuses to get psychiatric help. And you shouldn't feel guilty is you just can't take it anymore.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this is happening. Is he having affairs? Or is he trying to escape the tedium of family and domestic life?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by lukeb
    It's not the right question to ask on this forum, of course 99.999% of the people here do not believe in relationships so they are going to tell you to leave. I am not going to tell you to.leave or to stay. It's not my place to do so. Things are out of balance where you are now, it is not my impression though that your husband is the reason for your tension and your unhappiness. The greatest gift that you can give each other is to be accepted for who you are. You can start there.
    That's a bold statement to make here. Many people here believe in relationships but don't believe in toxic relationships that damage people's self confidence and self worth.

    I'm not saying to leave because I haven't got enough information but from what she tells this man makes her miserable, doesn't treat her in a loving and respectful way and hasn't changed. He doesn't seem to actually want to continue in this marriage.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Annia
    That's a bold statement to make here. Many people here believe in relationships but don't believe in toxic relationships that damage people's self confidence and self worth.
    Right. To make a statement that 99.99% of people here don't believe in relationships is patently false.

    We don't believe in toxic relationships. Since so many threads are started about toxic relationships, the advice is always the same: leave. People rarely start a thread about how happy, easy, and wonderful their relationship is. So it appears skewed.

    In this case, OP, I'll echo what everyone else has said: it's not fair for him to build up this resentment and unleash it like that.

    Is he in therapy? Is he willing to go?

    I hate to give the "leave, block, delete" advice, because you have young kids. But you can't live like this, and yes, this is harming your kids.

  11. #10
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    WAIT!! Why on earth is he not moving out? You have young children. Please be rationale and think about it. You have done all you could to be a supportive and loving wife. I get it - he suffers from depression. He needs to see a physician and perhaps get medication which would probably help him. That, and therapy, if he's willing to go. Don't make life harder for your innocent children by displacing them from their home. If he's not willing to seek help, then I think you need to face reality and possibly leave him. Harsh, but it may be the best thing in the long run, both for your children and yourself. Ultimately, it's your decision. How much heartbreak are you willing to endure????
    Last edited by goddess; 11-18-2018 at 10:48 AM.

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