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Thread: Married 11+ years....should I stay?

  1. #11

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    I appreciate everyone's time.

  2. #12

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    My immediate reaction is to defend him. But you are very right. It is a terrible situation that I need to get out of. I love him. In my eyes it hasn't been all bad. There has been good too. Or I wwouldn'thave stayed. But the bad has definitely outweighed the good at this point. I depended on him financially before, but my business took off a couple of years ago so I now know I can be fine without him. He isn't moving because I have a lot of family around me and my sister has a 2 bedroom place I can have. He has no one and I don't want him to live on the street. This way he can still see the kids. That is important to me.

    One thing I have to point out is that the kids are very sheltered from it all. They are oblivious at this point. My husband works out of town so if he's having a down time and we don't see him the kids just think he's working. I have worked very hard at sheltering them from that side of him. It's one of the reasons why I'm so tired.

    I always held out hope that he would get through his issues. I took my vows seriously. In sickness and in health. But I feel it is making me sick now.

    I am planning on therapy. Thank you for responding.

  3. #13

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry this is happening. Is he having affairs? Or is he trying to escape the tedium of family and domestic life?
    He is not having an affair. That I am 100% certain of. I believe it is him trying to escape the family life.

  4. #14

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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    Can you identify anything that might have happened a few months ago which triggered this second round of tension and anger in him?

    If he's done this twice, then I think it's better to concede that this marriage isn't working and he wants out. It's not fair to you to be the one absorbing all his resentment and anger and "building him up" all the time. The dynamic here appears to be one-sided, with you doing the heavy emotional lifting and him checking out.

    Any chance he's met someone else? Sometimes people who are being unfaithful (or have their eye on another person) lash out in anger as a way of driving their partner away and "justifying" their desire to leave the relationship.
    You are right. It has been very one-sided. That's a good way of putting it. He definitely isn't having an affair. That I am sure of. I don't know what caused this second round of tension. Everything has been the same. I have been working more and so he has had to help out at home more (kids lunches/drop off at school etc). But that is temporary.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Annia
    That's a bold statement to make here. Many people here believe in relationships .
    Well I would invite you to read the posts here. Ending relationships is the go to advice on here.

    As I am reading her post and the OP is obviously struggling and in pain, but it is not a one sided issue. It is also obvious the same can be said about her husband, it is actually something they have in common. They have known each other for 11 years now, I should think enough time to get to know someone. Wouldn't it be wonderful to be accepted for who you were, when you are in a relationship? Could it be her husband feels the same way?

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by lukeb
    Well I would invite you to read the posts here. Ending relationships is the go to advice on here.

    As I am reading her post and the OP is obviously struggling and in pain, but it is not a one sided issue. It is also obvious the same can be said about her husband, it is actually something they have in common. They have known each other for 11 years now, I should think enough time to get to know someone. Wouldn't it be wonderful to be accepted for who you were, when you are in a relationship? Could it be her husband feels the same way?
    "Ending relationships is the go to advice on here" -- so false!! Ending relationships that are toxic is the go to advice, not ending good ones.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by JennaS
    My immediate reaction is to defend him. But you are very right. It is a terrible situation that I need to get out of. I love him. In my eyes it hasn't been all bad. There has been good too. Or I wwouldn'thave stayed. But the bad has definitely outweighed the good at this point. I depended on him financially before, but my business took off a couple of years ago so I now know I can be fine without him. He isn't moving because I have a lot of family around me and my sister has a 2 bedroom place I can have. He has no one and I don't want him to live on the street. This way he can still see the kids. That is important to me.

    One thing I have to point out is that the kids are very sheltered from it all. They are oblivious at this point. My husband works out of town so if he's having a down time and we don't see him the kids just think he's working. I have worked very hard at sheltering them from that side of him. It's one of the reasons why I'm so tired.

    I always held out hope that he would get through his issues. I took my vows seriously. In sickness and in health. But I feel it is making me sick now.

    I am planning on therapy. Thank you for responding.
    I thought the same things as you. I defended him, I loved him, I put him on a pedestal, etc. I also took my vows seriously. It was not reciprocated though, and he wasn't able to see all the good that the relationship had. End result? He wanted a divorce, and the more I think about it, the more I can see what a fool I was to put up with him for so long. Don't make the same mistake that I did. If he seeks help (therapy. doctor), then you might have a chance or else - well, you know the rest.

  9. #18
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    What kind of help can you offer husband about his dad's death?

    I'd seek legal advice to learn my options and the steps for each option before operating in ways that could harm me and my kids financially. For instance, depending on your location, leaving the home ~might~ be a legal mistake that harms certain rights to the property's value. You may be able to get him out or sell the house and split the proceeds, instead.

    Learn your rights and the best ways to proceed rather than operating on emotions alone.

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