What's the right thing to do? Weddings...

I've never been the best at knowing what is the right thing to do when it comes to gift giving. Besides birthdays and obvious events I often forget or don't realise the social obligation of giving a gift and things like that. I'd appreciate your advice on a tricky situation with a friend from work about her wedding.

I've only worked with this person for a couple of years on and off. She's a nice person but can be a bit "high school" with friendship, gossip and cliques - I should say we're in our early 30s! She's from the UK and doesn't know that many people here.

We're in a close group of girls at work and she'd invited some but not everyone to her hens/wedding. She'd often come into our office room and talk openly about plans and invites in front of girls that hadn't been invited which I know some people found rude and I was a bit uncomfortable with.

She'd invited me but I couldn't go to her hens night activities because I was overseas. With her wedding, I'd verbally indicated I would go before receiving the invite but my partner booked a holiday for me without checking dates and it clashed with the wedding. So I couldn't attend anymore. And she was pretty scathing about my partner and how he'd booked it.

I hadn't formally rsvp'd to her wedding but felt bad that now I couldn't go as well - seeing as she didn't have many people in the country. I apologised for not being able to come but she seemed really disappointed. So I said, it'd be great to take you and your future-hubby out for dinner to celebrate. Her response was, I'll be busy with family and wedding stuff so maybe when she gets back from her honeymoon.

So further complication, I was having problems with my partner and it was up in the air if I'd go on this trip he'd planned. So less than a week before the wedding, when it looked like I wouldn't go on holidays, I reached out to her saying I won't be going away now and if there's any chance at all to come to the wedding I'd love to. I didn't want to put pressure on her at all and only did this because I'd feel so bad not doing anything that weekend if I could actually come and it seemed like she wanted more people there. Anyway, she said they'd already finalised the numbers so I couldn't, which is totally fair enough.

In the end, I went on the holiday anyway. It's a little bit awkward because I don't really trust her knowing private things about my relationship and I feel like she's a bit pissed off at me for not going to her wedding. But if we were in the UK, it's unlikely our work friendship would have warranted an invite anyway.

I'm not sure what to do about a gift. Should I just leave it? I said I'd take them out to dinner but it feels weird now, obligatory and my intuition is telling me not to. If we went out and it was awkward or not expensive enough for her she'd about me. But should I get them a bottle of champagne instead or something like that?

At our workplace, I organised a card and gift for her and when her family visited I helped her with a fairly decent thing. It's tricky, because she really is the type of person to judge you for doing something as well as not doing anything. I feel a bit damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Would love some advice on this! Thanks very much :)

Did you contribute to the work gift and sign the card? Then that is your gift. I would follow up on the dinner invitation. I don't think she was appropriate in chastising your partner for booking the holiday - it's not like he knew or at most there was a miscommunication. I think you put her in a tough spot asking if you could come a week before because that's usually not enough notice.

As far as gift giving there are many good articles/books with guidelines and just use common sense and do what you think you would want in terms of a gift.

Sorry this got so messy!!

You know, you should do what you want to do and not what you think she wants you to do. You're under no obligation to give her anything. If she's the type of person you're describing, she will probably hold you to that dinner anyway. But if you want to sign a card and give her a bottle of champagne, then that's fine. If she's petty enough to complain about that, nobody will take her side because the women at work know what kind of person she is. Don't grovel before her. Stand your ground. You shouldn't care about what she thinks.

You already signed a card and put in money for a gift, so that's covered, you've done your part. I think you should follow thru on the dinner invitation but maybe wait a bit til the honeymoon is over and normal life resumes.

She doesnt sound like a particularly nice person.

I think a work gift and card are enough under the circumstances. I would let a couple of months go by and then make those dinner arrangements since you've already offered.

However, in the future, I would try to keep some distance from her. She doesn't sound like much of a 'friend'.

Don't jump through hoops. A it's an invitation not a subpoena. It's fine to rsvp that you can't attend. Do the usual gift thing and let the rest roll off because it sounds like a bridezilla situation.

Thanks guys for your advice. That's true, I shouldn't care about what she thinks and a group gift is enough.

I think I will give it a few weeks and extend the dinner invitation before the end of the year. Should it be just me and her and her husband or ask my partner along? I kind of don't want to subject him to any blame/bull that might come up?

Should it be just me and her and her husband or ask my partner along? I kind of don't want to subject him to any blame/bull that might come up?

I would. I think she might be more careful around someone she's not too comfortable with.

There is no etiquette that leaves you obligated to provide her with a gift. You RSVPd "no" to the wedding, and I think you were a little out of line asking if you could attend after plans for you changed. You were gracious with her reasonable denial, but you shouldn't have put her in that position in the first place. She was rather ungracious with your decline in the first place. It's normal to send out "save the date," but regardless of this, there will be some people that still will not be able to attend.

I think you've done plenty for her with organizing a group gift and helping out with some of the family plans. For a wedding you are not attending, a card is perfectly acceptable. You may wish to include a gift as well, but this is not an etiquette requirement and there is no obligation to do so.

I would hold on to your invitation to take her and the new husband to dinner sometime after the wedding and honeymoon frenzy die down.

This woman sounds childish and entitled. It is extremely rude to discuss party plans in the presence of those who are excluded. She is not owed gifts and presents for any reason at all. While it sucks and it's a disappointment that someone cannot attend, this is not a green light to shame and belittle that person.

What is rude is saying yes to an RSVP and not showing up, or showing up with guest(s) who were not explicitly invited. For a wedding, a bride and groom may offer a +1 on the invitation, but if you RSVP as going solo, you don't turn around and bring a friend. Head count is important, and it's just insane to me how people don't recognize or know this. I invited people to a baby shower (my host invited) and not only did some people who did not RSVP yes or no show up, but they brought friends. My host was absolutely frenzied over this because she was worried there wasn't enough food.

On gifts, I do feel you need to hold on to your invitation to take her out for dinner, whether or not you are still with your boyfriend, and within your budget. I do not feel you're obligated in any way to provide another gift after your work gift and assistance with her family. If she p*sses and moans that your offering wasn't lavish or expensive enough, I'm sorry you would be subject to it, but she's the one coming off as an entitled brat. Already people see this in the office. If repeated attempts to organize a dinner fall flat, you are not obligated to replace it with a bottle of champagne or other gift.

I'd quit trying to cultivate this woman into a 'friend,' because she's not even likable. Skip that, be cheerful when conducting business, but otherwise leave her to hang herself with other coworkers as they come to learn of her negativity.

My private motto is, "My kindness speaks of me, and the kindness of others, or lack thereof, speaks of them--NOT me."

Head high, and don't pretzel yourself to please someone who can't be pleased. You will thank yourself later.