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Advice - Initiating a Period of "Space" & NC


askltk

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Hi all,

 

I'm currently 6 days into a period of "space" with LDR girlfriend of 8 months. Our relationship had been fine up until the start of last month, when she started to show signs of stress and anxiety (panic attacks) triggered by what we believe is her profession as a special needs teacher. She is also a people pleaser and struggles with letting people down - therefore keeps a very hectic social diary that has recently not included alot of time for our relationship. She had become extremely distant, going days without speaking or texting. Whilst she knows I was there for her, I also knew that leaving her to reach out when she needed to was the best i could do - rather than smother her. I never initiated contact because of this.

 

On Sunday it came to ahead that she was stressing over a number of things (2 Hen parties she need to arrange and a works assessment) and stated that she had no free weekends until after Christmas (this was 12th November). As we are a LDR, weekends are our only realistic time to see one another and therefore couldn't help but take this personally. I said I was disappointed, but best we'd talk over the phone (rather than text) the next day.

 

When we spoke, she broke down in tears about how stressed she was, how much she had going on with her life and how she couldn't make time for everything / everyone. Whilst I tried to be supportive, I noted that not considering our relationship / seeing one another until after Christmas wasn't really acceptable. It also felt like she wasn't wanting to be attentive as she used to be. As we talked, it became clear that her inability to manage her feelings and time was creating a sense of guilt towards me. I therefore suggested I take a step back from our relationship; which was met with sadness and regret on her part. Talking it though, I offered her "space" for a few weeks rather than a break up, which she was her preference. She had stated she felt like she needed to cancel all her plans over the next 2 weekends to focus on her. I agreed and hope she would.

 

I will say I didn't want to break-up, but felt it would help her in the short term to remove the pressures of our relationship. I'm not interested in dating anyone else, nore do I want to be single.

 

I now find myself in a period of self inflicted No Contact, a weird paradox as a "dumper" who offered his girlfriend space that she hadn't asked for - but we both agreed would be good for her. I want to reach out to her to see how she's doing, but don't want to interfere. I'm not sure if breaking NC early is the right thing to do, baring in mind the purpose of this time was to take one less stress away from her. I am finding NC difficult, baring in mind I didn't suggest it and have now just assumed it formed part of giving her space.

 

Should I wait to hear from her, regardless of the time frame? Or should I check in with her at the end of the 2 weeks?

 

Thoughts would be greatly received.

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No Contact is not a good idea when you're still a couple, OP. Relationship problems are generally not solved by not communicating.

 

I could understand backing off and giving her space but if she's gone days without speaking to you, she was already taking space from the relationship. She is already growing more distant from you and now will have no time for you until after Christmas. That's still several weeks away. What's got her that busy every weekend until then? How often do you usually see each other? I gather you didn't have plans to spend the holidays together.

 

Being busy is part of life. It's natural that under pressure, she might not be up to chatting all the time or need some time for herself. But instead of looking to you for support, she's turning away from you and drifting. My suggestion would be to keep communication open, but let her take most of the initiative and see what she does. Observe if she is motivated to reach out. If she is not, then I think you need to revisit the idea of parting ways.

 

EDIT: Same girl? https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=552689&page=3 If so, it seems that you've been more invested and serious than her for a while now. I'm sorry to say it, but I think you might be looking at the end of the road for you two.

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This sounds like a really tough situation. You mention you're long distance - how far away from each other do you live?

 

Her social calendar and work pressures are building up and anyone would find that stressful. But your relationship should be a source of stress-release, reassurance and support so everything else shouldn't be prioritised over this.

 

Having a time out for you both to think about what you want from this relationship and what you're prepared to give is a good idea. But no contact isn't the way to go. Communication is so important and talking with your partner shouldn't really ever be an additional stress or another thing on your/her to-do list. For sure reach out and find out how she's going, gently see what she's feeling/thinking. It'll help you to know where you stand with her.

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I think you should just break up with her now. She seems too fragile to be in a long-distance relationship. And it sounds like you're kind of fed up that she doesn't have any time for you.

 

If you don't want to break up, then stop torturing her with radio silence and trying to give her even worse panic attacks. Just talk to her for a few minutes every day. It doesn't take much. But you should decide whether you're in or you're out.

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No Contact is not a good idea when you're still a couple, OP. Relationship problems are generally not solved by not communicating.

 

I could understand backing off and giving her space but if she's gone days without speaking to you, she was already taking space from the relationship. She is already growing more distant from you and now will have no time for you until after Christmas. That's still several weeks away. What's got her that busy every weekend until then? How often do you usually see each other? I gather you didn't have plans to spend the holidays together.

 

Being busy is part of life. It's natural that under pressure, she might not be up to chatting all the time or need some time for herself. But instead of looking to you for support, she's turning away from you and drifting. My suggestion would be to keep communication open, but let her take most of the initiative and see what she does. Observe if she is motivated to reach out. If she is not, then I think you need to revisit the idea of parting ways.

 

EDIT: Same girl? https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=552689&page=3 If so, it seems that you've been more invested and serious than her for a while now. I'm sorry to say it, but I think you might be looking at the end of the road for you two.

 

Thanks Miss

 

I would agree, NC isn't something I expected to happen but I've always waited for her to reach out before getting in touch. Communication is key and i'll admit we've lacked that over the last month, especially on her part. We see each other every three weeks or so and had planned to meet up on 1st December to introduce her to my sister. However, that would be 5 weeks from our last visit. We hadn't discussed the holidays as she's on a trip with family, but we are both off work until January so I expected to her after.

 

That's my concern, she's not looking to me for support - merely shutting me out. She's not been forthcoming in reaching out thus far and I'm not expecting that to change. The offer of "space" on my part was a compromise, rather than my original plan which was to break up all together. I didn't want to break up with her, however her lack of investment of time in the relationship was starting to strain on me. I also felt the relationship was causing her additional stress, so me stepping away would somehow help her.

 

It is the same girl; and yes I believe I'm more emotionally invested in her. I think you're right, i fear it is the end of the road for us now.

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This sounds like a really tough situation. You mention you're long distance - how far away from each other do you live?

 

Her social calendar and work pressures are building up and anyone would find that stressful. But your relationship should be a source of stress-release, reassurance and support so everything else shouldn't be prioritised over this.

 

Having a time out for you both to think about what you want from this relationship and what you're prepared to give is a good idea. But no contact isn't the way to go. Communication is so important and talking with your partner shouldn't really ever be an additional stress or another thing on your/her to-do list. For sure reach out and find out how she's going, gently see what she's feeling/thinking. It'll help you to know where you stand with her.

 

Hey Leigh,

 

We live about 2:15hr drive away, about 130miles. It's not insurmountable, but she doesn't drive and a train journey to mine is around 3hrs for her. That said, I'm lucky enough to have my car and fuel paid for via work so I've offered to visit her more regularly. The frustration from my perspective is that we both have active social lives and finding time to visit for the whole weekend is difficult. But more concerning for me is that she's not making time for "us" nor considering the implications it has on me.

 

I 100% agree, the relationship should be a release / support mechanism. I stressed this to her, as I felt it's not being prioritised as an important part of her life.

 

I'm now thinking that NC isn't the way to go, as I've been all for communication (even when it's lacking on her part). She's not particularly responsive over texts and currently has a phobia of her phone which is causing her anxiety in some cases.

 

I think I'm going to call her later today and, as you put it, gently see how she's feeling. Thanks

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I think you should just break up with her now. She seems too fragile to be in a long-distance relationship. And it sounds like you're kind of fed up that she doesn't have any time for you.

 

If you don't want to break up, then stop torturing her with radio silence and trying to give her even worse panic attacks. Just talk to her for a few minutes every day. It doesn't take much. But you should decide whether you're in or you're out.

 

Hey Danzee,

 

Yes, I'm certainly fed up that she's not making any time for the relationship and it feels like an after thought. Long Distance isn't new to her, however her need to please people means she's trying to do too much.

 

The radio silence is two-way, however I get what your saying. I want to be in and I'm not one to shy away from talking, however this past month I've let her come to me when she's ready because I didn't want to put additional pressure on her.

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Sorry this is happening. How did you meet? How did it become or why is it a LDR? Unfortunately LDRs are stressful in themselves. It sounds like she wants to end it and is using the "busy", "confused", "stressed" exit plan.

 

Is there someone else locally? Does needing "space" even make sense to you when because of the LDR you barely see each other anyway? Do not contact her. Let her reach out. But consider this to be a breakup, not temporary "space".

LDR girlfriend of 8 months. weekends are our only realistic time to see one another. When we spoke, she broke down in tears about how stressed she was, how much she had going on with her life and how she couldn't make time for everything / everyone.
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Yes, I'm certainly fed up that she's not making any time for the relationship and it feels like an after thought. Long Distance isn't new to her, however her need to please people means she's trying to do too much.

 

But somehow, you're not one of those people on her list.

 

I think she is strongly considering ending the relationship but hasn't quite had the courage to do it yet. She seems to know intellectually that she "should" be more engaged with you, but her interest level just isn't there anymore. She might not be ready to call it a day altogether but her behaviour isn't that of someone whose heart is still in it. A woman who is really into you isn't going to want space from you, to this extent.

 

That's my take on this, for what it's worth.

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But somehow, you're not one of those people on her list.

 

I think she is strongly considering ending the relationship but hasn't quite had the courage to do it yet. She seems to know intellectually that she "should" be more engaged with you, but her interest level just isn't there anymore. She might not be ready to call it a day altogether but her behaviour isn't that of someone whose heart is still in it. A woman who is really into you isn't going to want space from you, to this extent.

 

That's my take on this, for what it's worth.

 

Thanks again Miss.

 

I agree with you, I should be one of those priorities. The problem is whilst she intellectually knows she should be more engaged, emotionally she doesn't feel like she can...

 

Following the advice on here, I spoke to her earlier today. It turns out that she's had an exceptionally difficult week, resulting in multiple panic attacks, a monumental row with her sister and what now seems to be an intervention from her parents and friends. From what she told me, she had a break down on Friday which resulted in her trashing a room and throwing her phone at her sister. Apparently it's bought to the surface alot of things that pre-date our relationship that has bought her negativity. The crux of it is, she's admitted she's not well mentally and has no idea how to deal with it.

 

She said she's on the verge of hitting rock bottom and doesn't want to drag anyone else with her, including me. This is something she needs to her own, which I wholeheartedly agree with - the only person who can fix her is herself. She's even said that she's hasn't got a positive outlook on life

 

 

Ultimately, we've agreed to end it now and for her to seek help. There's nothing more I can do or say to make her situation better. I feel like my actions have been the catalyst somewhat, but we both agreed that I was right first off that she needed space. The guilt weighs heavy today, but even she admitted it was something she needed to hear.

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Sorry this is happening. How did you meet? How did it become or why is it a LDR? Unfortunately LDRs are stressful in themselves. It sounds like she wants to end it and is using the "busy", "confused", "stressed" exit plan.

 

Is there someone else locally? Does needing "space" even make sense to you when because of the LDR you barely see each other anyway? Do not contact her. Let her reach out. But consider this to be a breakup, not temporary "space".

 

Thanks Wiseman.

 

It's now a 100% break up.

 

I agreed, "space" is what she needs but in LDR how much more can there be? Turns out ALOT based on her mental health issues that have now recently surfaced. If there was someone else, she's an impressive actress based on the conversation I just had with her. I chose to reach out to her because I felt self induced NC wasn't the right cause of action - which turned out to be right.

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Sorry to hera that but i think you have done the right thing. LDR can be very draining in itself even if theres no real problem between the couple and when you add in mental health etc then surely its only a matter of time before you split up or start to resent one another.

 

I think I know we’ve come to the right conclusion. Her mental health admission today really bought it home that this is something I can’t help her with - without having a detrimental effect on my own wellbeing. Whilst I feel a certain amount of guilt (as I feel like I’m running away from her problems), it’s not my problem to fix. She firmed up and asked for space so that’s what I’ve got to give her. Back to NC it is.

 

We ended it amicably; even suggesting we could meet up when she’s better - but that’s a long way off and not something I’m considering right now. We are part of a Wedding next May (mutual friends who we met through) as well

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I think I know we’ve come to the right conclusion. Her mental health admission today really bought it home that this is something I can’t help her with - without having a detrimental effect on my own wellbeing. Whilst I feel a certain amount of guilt (as I feel like I’m running away from her problems), it’s not my problem to fix. She firmed up and asked for space so that’s what I’ve got to give her. Back to NC it is.

 

We ended it amicably; even suggesting we could meet up when she’s better - but that’s a long way off and not something I’m considering right now. We are part of a Wedding next May (mutual friends who we met through) as well

 

At least it's ended amicably and who knows far down the line when she is better and maybe logistics have changed for the better but for now i would focus on living your life. Don't let the guilt take over you. Shes already said she knows she needs to be fixed before she can hold a successful relationship. I think you are giving each other what you both needed.

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At least it's ended amicably and who knows far down the line when she is better and maybe logistics have changed for the better but for now i would focus on living your life. Don't let the guilt take over you. Shes already said she knows she needs to be fixed before she can hold a successful relationship. I think you are giving each other what you both needed.

 

If I'm honest, the hard time I'm having is trying to accept that my impact on her current state of mind is minimal and there wasn't anything more I could do.

 

Whilst I wasn't as strong as I would have liked on the phone (suggested if she needed me I'd help), I know that breaking NC was the correct thing to do to provide us with closure.

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If I'm honest, the hard time I'm having is trying to accept that my impact on her current state of mind is minimal and there wasn't anything more I could do.

 

Whilst I wasn't as strong as I would have liked on the phone (suggested if she needed me I'd help), I know that breaking NC was the correct thing to do to provide us with closure.

 

 

Thats natural but if i recall you mentioned she already had these problems so you just need to accept that truth.

 

Be careful about how much help you are in that she may use you as an emotional sponge if she starts seeing other guys on any level. If you are sure its over though and happy to remian just friends then of course help as much as you wish.

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Thats natural but if i recall you mentioned she already had these problems so you just need to accept that truth.

 

Be careful about how much help you are in that she may use you as an emotional sponge if she starts seeing other guys on any level. If you are sure its over though and happy to remian just friends then of course help as much as you wish.

 

Yes, these problems are very much prior to our relationship . I need to accept that this is very much her fight.

 

I'm actually regretting saying I'd be there now, so will likely not be speaking to her again unless she reaches out. Looking back on it today, I gave a-lot up emotionally which I now perceive as weakness on my part and should of left well alone. I didn't cry / beg or anything, but offering her my help if she needed it and telling her I cared about her makes me sound needy.

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Whats said is said. I wouldn't linger too much on that just remember your boundaries if she starts getting too much.

 

Indeed. I meant what I said, more out of empathy for her situation and potential support. She’s in a horrible place right now, but selfishly it’s not my problem.

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It's not your problem but its not selfish it's just unfortunate she hasn't tackled her issues earlier. No one's fault just one of those things. I feel bad for anyone with mental health issues. Hopefully she gets it sorted and feels better soon. I also hope you feel ok about things soon too.

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It's not your problem but its not selfish it's just unfortunate she hasn't tackled her issues earlier. No one's fault just one of those things. I feel bad for anyone with mental health issues. Hopefully she gets it sorted and feels better soon. I also hope you feel ok about things soon too.

 

Thanks Ninja. I think it’s been building inside her for a while now. Certainly the last 2 months. There’s a lot of complexities & self loathing that’s reared it’s head over the past week (since I initiated the space). Yesterday we both agreed that I was right in my assessment that she needs to focus on herself.

 

I certainly am struggling to deal with walking away from the problem, but then there is literally nothing I can do. Mental Health is such a complicated issue.

 

Time will be the healer for her I believe. I just hope she gets the help she promised herself.

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A partner or ex with mental health issues is never easy. It’s draining and I my experience they have a tendency to turn it all around on you. You being the problem the cause etc

 

If what I’ve read is correct her accepting she needs help is a massive leap in the right direction. The hardest part of mental health issues is the person dealing with it accepting something isn’t right. Seeking out help is a scary time and it’s great he is now doing so.

 

From your side is a very hard situation. You want to be there for her but this is something she needs to tackle on her own. Hopefully she has friends/family she can lean on?

 

As is the norm just try to concentrate on yourself. Build on areas and take time to heal. Stay strong and remember with mental health it’s a very slippery slope that hardly anyone knows how to deal with it when a loved one is suffering

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What Monkeynuts said is 100% right, it took me 12 months of fighting my MH issues before seeking help. I guess i just didnt want to accept what was happening to me. Shes probably been the same and now doing the right thing. The way you handled it too i think she will look back on you in a very favourable light when the dust is settled even if not for reconciliation.

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A partner or ex with mental health issues is never easy. It’s draining and I my experience they have a tendency to turn it all around on you. You being the problem the cause etc

 

If what I’ve read is correct her accepting she needs help is a massive leap in the right direction. The hardest part of mental health issues is the person dealing with it accepting something isn’t right. Seeking out help is a scary time and it’s great he is now doing so.

 

From your side is a very hard situation. You want to be there for her but this is something she needs to tackle on her own. Hopefully she has friends/family she can lean on?

 

As is the norm just try to concentrate on yourself. Build on areas and take time to heal. Stay strong and remember with mental health it’s a very slippery slope that hardly anyone knows how to deal with it when a loved one is suffering

 

Thanks Monkey & Ninja (again - it's much appreciated). I found real comfort in your post.

 

She first started raising her issues at the start of last month and flippantly said that she should see a mental health professional. I was 100% positive about it, as I've a number of family members who've benefited. I'm a big advocate of talking about problems, so encouraged her to reach out and get help. She didn't act on it then, which then proceeded the month long strain on our relationship with limited contact, texts being ignored for hours and general radio silence. I never chased her, as I truly believed she'd get in touch when she wanted to and that time and "space" would aid her.

 

When we spoke on Sunday, see seemed like she'd made the realisation that she needed help. This was reaffirmed by her parents, sister and grandmother & I take solace in the fact that she now lives at home with an extremely supportive family network around her (albeit they have history in mental illness also).

 

If I'm honest with myself, I don't think I could have approached it any other way. I was concerned that I was coming off needy calling her, but as we set no real boundaries when I offered her "space" on Monday I need clarity on the situation. The confusion from her wanting "space" rather than the break up that I intended threw me and I wasn't handling the level of unknowing particularity well. Knowing what I know now and the effect it had on her over the past week, I'm glad I got back in touch.

 

It's tough knowing she's going through this, but now she agrees with me that she needs to do this alone I can at least step away knowing that this it's her decision. She noted that it will be a slippery slop and she's not at the end of it yet. I've left the lines of communication open to her if she needs them as I do genuinely want to be there for her - I just need get comfortable that I've done whats best for her and ultimately me.

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