I did something bad but proved I was right. Who can relate?

Hi everyone, I'll get right to it. Me and my partner been together 5 years now. Loads of bad times, a few good ones. This particular issue as been happening since the start. On our first month together my partner kept talking alot about an ex from 5 years before, I thought it was a bit weird but I put up with it thinking it was something she needed to get out of her. Then I found out she was still keeping contact with him behind my back. I didn't overreact and calmly spoke to her about it. My concern was since it was an ex that bothered her so much why the contact and more importantly why lie and hide it. Her answer was just he was just an old friend. I replied that if his just a friend then I'm ok with it, just don't lie and hide it. I also asked if it was me doing that would she be ok. She said no. So we both agreed in that 1 month that if it was an ex we would not keep contact, unless for a validate reason. Over the next 5 years, she repeatedly found a way to contact him, followed by serious arguments between us about it. And 1 or 2 cases where we almost broke up about it. A month ago she had again contacted him, and we spoke seriously about it, my point was I had enough so she needed to make a choice, either he was a friend that she needed, and I would accept that aslong as she did not hide or lie about it again, or if he wasn't then she would delete and block for good. She decided that she didn't need him and promised to block him. So this week, I did something bad, I went down her fb. I know it's wrong, but I did find what I suspected. Her contacting him, and this time there was an invite from him for them to meet next month. " fyi he lives in Australia and got wife". He is coming over for a few weeks only. Now this time I confronted her, and I wasn't having any more of it. I said I wanted to break it off, but I gave her a chance to explain first. I only got the same answer, "his an old friend, then said he wasn't, then said that didn't know why she contacted him again". I ended it right then. I explained it was because constantly liying and deceiving about it is bad enough regardless if there was anything between them or not. Please can anyone tell me what they think of this? There is more parts I didn't write, so please ask if need. I do love her so much, but I don't think there is a way out.

She is a proven liar. I am sorry, but just be done.

Thank u for your reply, I agree. I guess what I am actually asking is not if I should take her back or not, but just ideas/opinions so I can understand . I am just struggling to understand/ accept all of it. If u can, I would appreciate your thoughts on what she did or why.

Thanks

Nope. Why take her back? She will continue to contact this guy.

Hi seraphim, maybe u misread my post, I DON'T want to take her back. I am asking for opinions to understand what she did.

Hi seraphim, maybe u misread my post, I DON'T want to take her back. I am asking for opinions to understand what she did.

She didn’t want to let him go. That is pretty much it. She needs attention or more than one guy.

She was playing you for a fool. She wants to have him and you too at the same time. It's that simple. You should have dumped her about 4.5 yrs ago when you found she was lying to you. She did this because she thought she could get away with it.

Time for you to move on, she's a proven liar and she has no reason to stop doing what she's been doing.

Rather than "proving" that you're right, she's proving she can walk all over you without having to face any consequences. As long as you continue to be her doormat, she has no fear of losing you. What a deal!

Respect yourself...

You should have been done with this five years ago. She lied to you, again and again, yet you continued to put up with it. i don't get it!

Dude, this is on you. She showed you who she was, a long time ago.

I think that you need to view your preoccupation with this woman as an addiction that you need to break. She did what she did because she is in some way addicted to having contact with him, same as you are addicted to her. She refused to let go of the (unhealthy) emotional connection she has with him and you enabled her for half a decade by forgiving her again and again. By continuing to take her back you taught her that she could keep on lying to you and that's what she did. If you were to take her back she would do it again. She is messed up in the head. Why? Maybe she has abandonment issues (you seem to have too), maybe she is a commitment phobe, maybe she is a narcissist. Whatever the answer, it doesn't change the end result. She will continue to mess you around for as long as you allow her. That's the important bit of info that you need to keep.

The million dollar question is WHY do you keep going back to this mess? What is it within you that needs the validation of winning over a liar and an emotional cheater to the point of spending half a decade of your life on a dead end relationship? Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me they say and you let her fool you way way more than once... Why? THAT is what you should be trying to figure out and it's about you not her. Finding out what is wrong with her will not fix whatever is wrong within you that keeps you stuck on someone who does not want to commit 100%. What is it that you find so addictive in this mess? Maybe it's time to consider individual therapy...

Thank u clio. I see your point. I know what my addiction to her is. I almost always dated girls that where broken. I see the good/Best in them then I try to help them change. The problem is I turn a blind eye to the bad things they do. I think it's because they are broken that they do that and when they change it will stop. I learned the hard way people only change if they want to. I most mention why we lasted 5 years because of other things like her being a drug addict, but we got her off drugs and clean, her emotional abuse from previous partners, we also got that better, and a few other little things. I guess I'm trying to say because of small things being fixed, I kept staying, hoping it will get better. I just forgot the bigger picture

Thank u clio. I see your point. I know what my addiction to her is. I almost always dated girls that where broken. I see the good/Best in them then I try to help them change. The problem is I turn a blind eye to the bad things they do. I think it's because they are broken that they do that and when they change it will stop. I learned the hard way people only change if they want to. I most mention why we lasted 5 years because of other things like her being a drug addict, but we got her off drugs and clean, her emotional abuse from previous partners, we also got that better, and a few other little things. I guess I'm trying to say because of small things being fixed, I kept staying, hoping it will get better. I just forgot the bigger picture

Maybe this makes more sense now

I think that you need to view your preoccupation with this woman as an addiction that you need to break. She did what she did because she is in some way addicted to having contact with him, same as you are addicted to her. She refused to let go of the (unhealthy) emotional connection she has with him and you enabled her for half a decade by forgiving her again and again. By continuing to take her back you taught her that she could keep on lying to you and that's what she did. If you were to take her back she would do it again. She is messed up in the head. Why? Maybe she has abandonment issues (you seem to have too), maybe she is a commitment phobe, maybe she is a narcissist. Whatever the answer, it doesn't change the end result. She will continue to mess you around for as long as you allow her. That's the important bit of info that you need to keep.

 

The million dollar question is WHY do you keep going back to this mess? What is it within you that needs the validation of winning over a liar and an emotional cheater to the point of spending half a decade of your life on a dead end relationship? Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me they say and you let her fool you way way more than once... Why? THAT is what you should be trying to figure out and it's about you not her. Finding out what is wrong with her will not fix whatever is wrong within you that keeps you stuck on someone who does not want to commit 100%. What is it that you find so addictive in this mess? Maybe it's time to consider individual therapy...

This sounds like a cat-and-mouse control game. Apparently they stayed friends, you don't like it and he apparently offers her something you don't.

Now not only are you giving her ultimatums, you are hacking her social media and trying to police and patrol it.

She has mental illness you know that and you know she's not sexually attracted to you... Yet you persisted in making both yourself and her miserable. Excellent you (hopefully finally) ended things.

I had enough so she needed to make a choice, either he was a friend that she needed, and I would accept that aslong as she did not hide or lie about it again, or if he wasn't then she would delete and block for good.

 

I went down her fb. I did find what I suspected. Her contacting him, and this time there was an invite from him for them to meet next month.

You need to stop your saviour complex then. It's not healthy to you nor even them. A partner is not a therapist and your validation on relationships shouldn't come from fixing people. Your martyrdom won't save them nor will make the relationship good and healthy. It's a messed up dynamic.

Next time date girls who have it together and are closer to what you really want in a happy and healthy relationship.

As to this girl what's there to understand? She likes his attention and she doesn't respect you because you've been her doormat putting up with her issues and always taking her back for 5 years.

Good luck buddy and aim high!

😁🙉🐮🍀✍🥂 Agree 🤢🛒🐼🐴😰

I'm a fu cking troll

You may never get the answer you need to move on, but with time, you will eventually move on. Not everyone is like this, and make sure you remember that. Take your time moving on, and don’t bring this situation into any new relationship you have. Good luck!

What is it about you that likes to take on broken women as projects?

Do you like to feel superior?

Does an emotionally healthy woman frighten you? Do you feel inferior to well-adjusted women who have their lives on track?

Thank u for your reply, I agree. I guess what I am actually asking is not if I should take her back or not, but just ideas/opinions so I can understand . I am just struggling to understand/ accept all of it. If u can, I would appreciate your thoughts on what she did or why.

 

Thanks

Well, I suspect she kept doing it because you enabled her to do it. She never suffered any consequences to her actions except for a verbal chastise from you. I guess, in her mind it was more rewarding to talk to him and only receive a chastise then to never get to talk to some guy that clearly was satisfying something emotional in her.

Bottom line: You're better off without someone in your life that fills you with angst because she can't give up an ex.

Tell us: How did she react when you finally did what you should have done, sooner?

I see your point. I know what my addiction to her is. I almost always dated girls that where broken. I see the good/Best in them then I try to help them change.

Get help for your co dependency.

Time to stop dating projects.

I found out she was still keeping contact with him behind my back.

This is all I'd have needed to walk away cleanly. I didn't read the rest because it never would have occurred.