Going through a rough patch. Advice?

So my SO and I are going through a rough patch atm and long story short, when we first started dating, everything was really intense, saw each other so much to the point i felt myself being so dependent on him with everything. If i went a day without talking to him id feel so lonely and it just wasn't healthy. & he started to feel a little trapped and he felt he was ignoring his friends and his hobbies for me to make me happy and i agree with him, i felt cos i depended on him so much, my whole life was revolved around him. (This is a fairly new relationship, 4 months) and we basically had a heart to heart to slow down on the relationship which i agree needed to be done. & to work on ourselves because he said he was getting a bad image of me being such a clingy gf and he doesnt particularly want someone that clingy. & I agree, its probs not particuarly a nice trait to be overly clingy so thats what we're doing atm.

We're currently slowing down in our relationship and working on ourselves to come back better, its been about 3 weeks since this has happened. My worry atm is as soon as we had our heart to heart, he suddenly changed. He talks to me like a stranger and he said its cos he wants to work on himself more before going back into things? And he did admit he feels a little awkward after the chat we had. & that's fair enough but its been 3 weeks and I havent seen any changes whatsoever with our relationship. We still talk everyday but not as much as before. & He does message me first too and i sometimes message him first so thats been fairly balanced. I have voiced my worries to him last weekend and he said not to worry and that it just needs time before things can go back to normal.

I just want some advice on the situation, I think part of me feels so insecure about this that its getting me stressed out. It's the way my SO is talking to me still, there is slight improvement , hes more chattier but its still not the same and im paranoid hes just not into me anymore or not interested in this relationship anymore, even tho he reassured me last week. I dont know if he's too scared to tell me the truth. Or perhaps I am being a typical girl by over thinking things. Perhaps I should take a step back and not message him as much so i can focus on finding myself again? Ive never been in this situation before so im just confused and lost.

Unfortunately it sounds like you got ahead of yourself with too much, too soon after only 16 weeks of dating. Relax and become more involved in work/school, your own friends, hobbies, interests, etc. Pull way back and don't smother.

Let him reach out to you and stop having "relationship talks". You have been dating 16 weeks. That is the time to get to know each other and so far he has told you you're "too clingy" and that means pull back.

he started to feel a little trapped and he felt he was ignoring his friends and his hobbies for me to make me happy. he said he was getting a bad image of me being such a clingy gf and he doesnt particularly want someone that clingy.

You need to use some of your new found spare time to do other things. Hang out with friends, take a class, join a group or club, do what interests you.

You rushed into this relationship too hard and fast and now you dont know how to actively back yourself up, slow yourself down, and find YOU. You cant wrap your entire life around another person, it smothers the both of you and in a bad way. Get back to who you used to be. Dont be texting all the time.

I don't buy all this "let's separate and work on ourselves" -sounds like psychospeak/excuse. Basically he got turned off by your clinginess and wanted to break up or at least take a break. While on the break he realized that he wanted to back off. He still wants to back off. Give him twice the space he seems to need. If he calls and asks you out on a proper date go and be easy breezy and lighthearted and fun. No relationship talks. Get busy with your own life. If he even sniffs insecurity or neediness I don't think he'll be open to another chance. If you treat this as a casual dating thing - no sex, just fun dates with fun activities then maybe in the future he'll come back around to wanting to be closer. He's not too "scared" - he is cautious now and choosing his caution over being with you. Many people get scared during various phases of a relationship and if they feel committed and happy they choose being with the person over being alone and scared.

You didn't do anything wrong -your dynamic was such that he brought out this side of you and you also neglected your own life and activities - that works for some people and didn't work for him/you two together. I'd move on completely or do the fun dating thing for now.

Remember that you didn’t know this guy five months ago and now all of a sudden you’re dependent on him. Do the things you used to do before you met him.

As someone who used to have this tendency of being too wrapped up on someone to start neglecting myself, what helped me was really making an effort to always have a life outside my dating interests. It's a bit hard for me being in another country alone and with not much options, but I try to get involved on gym, work and trying new things. Get some hobbie, reach out to friends and work on your goals.

He fell for the person you were before him. I'd suggest trying to build a life outside him and back of a lot. If things don't work out with him at least you'll have a life to come back to.

You're not overthinking, given that he has told you the clingy behaviour is a turn-off and he feels a bit awkward now. It obviously caused him to rethink things with you, or he wouldn't have asked for this space. It's not yet a given that he will end it altogether, though. Take a step back and see what the next few weeks bring.

All you can do is get busy with your own life now. See your friends. Participate in hobbies and activities you enjoy. That's something one should never give up, regardless of relationship status. It keeps you balanced, and makes you a more interesting person in general.

Just for clarity, what did you say or do when he was less communicative with you than you hoped? You say you felt lonely, but can you elaborate on how you reacted if he was out of contact for a bit?

Well the first week I let things sorta slide because it's only the first week, but then it was getting me so stressed out so I just voiced to him my struggles of him talking to me bluntly and he just said what I wrote above that he was just fixing himself before going back into things again.

Well it was more like if we didn't do something we'd usually do, i'd feel weird about it and lonely. For instance, we use to video call everyday and one day he couldnt do it and because i was so use to video calling, i felt lonely when we werent video calling? So it was more the fact i wasn't use to it in that aspect which made me feel lonely.

Thank you everyone for responding, I think I am going to back off for now and see what happens.

Well it was more like if we didn't do something we'd usually do, i'd feel weird about it and lonely. For instance, we use to video call everyday and one day he couldnt do it and because i was so use to video calling, i felt lonely when we werent video calling? So it was more the fact i wasn't use to it in that aspect which made me feel lonely.

Yes, I get that. My question is not how you felt, though, but how you expressed that to him.

Did you cry to him? Call him a lot? Write him?

Yes, I get that. My question is not how you felt, though, but how you expressed that to him.

 

Did you cry to him? Call him a lot? Write him?

Oh sorry, no I didn't do any of those things. I didn't do anything in particular, because I dont want to come across as needy.

Oh sorry, no I didn't do any of those things. I didn't do anything in particular, because I dont want to come across as needy.

I guess I am unclear how he perceived you as clingy, then.

Because you only hung out with him? No hobbies or social life of your own, or..?

I guess I am unclear how he perceived you as clingy, then.

 

Because you only hung out with him? No hobbies or social life of your own, or..?

Well the past 2 months yeah, I'd seen him so much and spoken to him everyday constantly (the odd weekend, i would go and see my friends so it wasn't completely abandoned, but still saw him more than anyone else) and he said he felt he had to make me happy by doing those things and he thought if he didn't id get angry from it. So from then I think he just kinda perceived me as being clingy.. if that makes sense?

Thank you everyone for responding, I think I am going to back off for now and see what happens.

Great idea. Move your focus onto building your own interests and bonds with friends and family. It's your percentage play, because if things work out, you'll have a wider range of interests to diffuse your laser focus on the guy, and if things don't work out, you'll need to build your own life UP, anyway.

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