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Thread: FairFight

  1. #11
    Gold Member maew's Avatar
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    I don't get why you care if she opens the back door.... what does that have to do with you or your feelings?

    Also yes she was being passive aggressive and weird by bringing up the smoking thing.

    The whole exchange makes no sense to me.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I think none of that would have transpired if you had just said:

    "Please stop opening the back door, you're letting the cold in, luv."

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Pick your battles. Why harangue her over feeding the cats? Are you jealous of her cats? What is your point in starting this? Don't dish out what you can't take.

    You started the nonsense and she reminded you how silly and argumentative your complaint is because you used to do the same stuff.
    Sorry, Wiseman2 but she doesn't have to bring up something that happened 10 years ago. Really? That's just stupid on her part IMHO.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by RedDress
    She’s doing to you what you are doing to her...

    “Please don’t open the back door again” <- this request is starting out fine...

    “You’ve fed the cats many times this evening” <- ... and now we’re passive-aggressive. Lol! You are borderline calling her stupid. She’s clearly concerned about something or simply enjoys their company. Have you asked why she keeps going outside instead of just being angry about it?

    “It’s cold and it’s raining and they are fine” <- you are invalidating her feelings or needs with this sentence and trying to make her feel bad/guilty. You are trying to say that your comfort is more important than the cats.

    Her response IS relevant, IMO. She’s basically telling you to suck it up and drawing a clear parallel (with the first example that came to mind) of a time when she sucked it up for your enjoyment and pleasure. I’m sure if given lots of time to think, she could have come up with a different example. But this one was a clear parallel (opening the door, being cold). What she is saying is that sometimes we sacrifice our comfort for our partners when something is important to them, even if it’s not important to you.

    I think marriage councilling is in order. It sounds like there is more going on in your marriage than the cats for you both to be approaching each other this way. There is a lot of underlying anger and aggression there.
    Sorry, but bringing up something that happened 10 years ago is so ridiculous. No need for that. .I agree that perhaps he should not have added the "you've fed the cats many times this evening." although, to me, her behaviour is annoying. But, that's just me.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    I think none of that would have transpired if you had just said:

    "Please stop opening the back door, you're letting the cold in, luv."
    I completely agree with you.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by DanZee
    When your wife says something like this, you say, "Yes, dear," and close the door. Something as minor as this does not need an argument. Stop fighting with her. And she's right, of course. So agree with her! Just say, "yes, dear." You've been married for 10 years, you should have learned this already.
    OK, you must be joking or being sarcastic when you say "she's right, of course". I agree it's minor but why does she have be so petty and retaliate with something like that? I agree with OP. He made a statement and she responds with something unrelated. And, something that happened 10 years ago??? That's just unnecessary. Also, saying "yes, dear", is very patronising. Sounds like he's walking on egg shells.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Op: You said you want to understand her. Giving you enabling dialogue that makes this her fault instead of you both taking responsibility isn't going to help you to understand why she did what she did.

    It doesn't sound like you are walking on eggshells to me. To me, it sounds like you just said too many words to get your way when a simple request would have sufficed. (example. "Can you stop opening the door, you're letting the cold in, luv) By going on and on about it, you put her in a defensive position which she reacted on the offense to.

    Its a simple matter of learning to communicate what you want without elaborating like you did.

  9. #18
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    I know people who feed feral cats or sort of adopted the neighborhood strays that came around and made it a permanent thing. So therefore, i am not going to choose that battle.

    But i think if your wife is the primary caretaker of the cats, it shows she has concern for them to keep them fed and warm.
    You should just not say anything about it.

    I think what she said is because you probably kept bothering her to keep the door shut and she is very irritated at this point with you -- and it triggered a memory of when you were perfectly fine with the door being opened. Why are you such a baby about it now? Was her feeding the cats delaying her from coming to have sex with you or something?

    I think you need to pick your battles

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by goddess
    OK, you must be joking or being sarcastic when you say "she's right, of course". I agree it's minor but why does she have be so petty and retaliate with something like that? I agree with OP. He made a statement and she responds with something unrelated. And, something that happened 10 years ago??? That's just unnecessary. Also, saying "yes, dear", is very patronising. Sounds like he's walking on egg shells.
    Probably because he huffed and pouted or said something each time she went out there or opened the door and she had enough.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Op: You said you want to understand her. Giving you enabling dialogue that makes this her fault instead of you both taking responsibility isn't going to help you to understand why she did what she did.

    It doesn't sound like you are walking on eggshells to me. To me, it sounds like you just said too many words to get your way when a simple request would have sufficed. (example. "Can you stop opening the door, you're letting the cold in, luv) By going on and on about it, you put her in a defensive position which she reacted on the offense to.

    Its a simple matter of learning to communicate what you want without elaborating like you did.
    Or what about "here, let me help you" (carry 4 dishes of cat food so she doesn't have to make 4 trips and therefore the door gets closed sooner. What a novel idea)

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