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Thread: Gf left me for a guy and came back after they hooked up

  1. #31
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this is happening. What were the red flags before she got pregnant? Did she leave/cheat before or after the child? Why was she running around with old flames only 4 mos into your dating?

    It would be a good idea to review your finances, credit, mortgage, joint accounts and joint possessions. Since you are not married you will have to contact your bankers, and a real estate attorney to better understand your position. Can you afford the place on your own or with a renter? Can you afford to buy her out? One way or the other you will have to pay for your child through child support. You also have the right to pursue whatever custody and visitation you see fit.

    It sounds like money and 'playing family' are what is holding you back most. It depends if you want to worry about her cheating again or due to finances and domestic complications bite the bullet and stick it out until you can afford to do what you want to do. Is there tension in the home?
    Originally Posted by Jeff8619
    we have a house and a child. its a lot harder when there are children and finances involved. If its one thing a cheater is good at, it is DENIAL.

  2. #32
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry this is happening. What were the red flags before she got pregnant? Did she leave/cheat before or after the child? Why was she running around with old flames only 4 mos into your dating?

    It would be a good idea to review your finances, credit, mortgage, joint accounts and joint possessions. Since you are not married you will have to contact your bankers, and a real estate attorney to better understand your position. Can you afford the place on your own or with a renter? Can you afford to buy her out? One way or the other you will have to pay for your child through child support. You also have the right to pursue whatever custody and visitation you see fit.

    It sounds like money and 'playing family' are what is holding you back most. It depends if you want to worry about her cheating again or due to finances and domestic complications bite the bullet and stick it out until you can afford to do what you want to do. Is there tension in the home?

    There were no red flags with things that happened before the emotional affair (1 year ago) I found out by chance that she was messaging an old flame and from there it snowballed and I subsequently found out other things as the months went on.

    Red flags fro the emotional affair she had for 3/4 months were

    -Changes in her appearance, wearing nicer cloths than she usually wears and when she's with me not bothering - that goes for the next point as well.

    -More focussed on her makeup and hair.

    -A feeling of detatchment from each other when we were at home

    -Phone was never more than a couple of seconds away

    -On her phone a lot of the time

    -Sex actually got more...lusty. But what was a red flag was she seemed more like she was having sex with her thoughts than with me (if that makes sense) (Girls help me out with this one?) looking back she was probably thinking about her co worker during sex.

    Now before you all shout sexist, controlling etc "a girl can make herself look pretty and wear nice clothes if she wants"
    I get that and I have no issue with it believe me. These red flags are for what is NOT NORMAL for your partner. Some people I know of, go to work like a 10/10 all day every day and it will be a clear sign that something is up if they suddenly made no effort.

    My GF would not normally dress up for work, not normally put makeup on and do her hair every day so its whats NOT normal behaviour for your partner that you can say is a red flag.

    She only was messaging the old flame once when I found the messages from what I'm aware of. so it stopped there. One thing to note though is only 1 month before me and my GF got together she met up with her old flame for what she tells me is a coffee and a catch up.

    I can afford all the household bills and mortgage on my own no problem as I pay them all now anyway. The issue is the bank. Even if you can show you can support on your own they may not want to remove the joint party from the mortgage as they would rather have 2 people they can chase for money not 1, should we stop paying.

    It will never go to child support as I will always pay my way for my child. That won't be an issue.

    No tension at home really as she is unaware that I am feeling this way. She knows I don't love her and the relationship isn't great but she isn't aware I am thinking of breaking up.

  3. #33
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    Just break up already. Sticking around.trying to rationalise a situation that obviously is pretty clearly not in your favour is a waste of your time.

    She probably slept with him or at least got physical before she left you. You taking her back makes you look like a doormat. Respect yourself, distance and end things.

  4. #34
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok you're doing everything right and are in a good position. It's wise to 'keep the peace" to buy yourself time to reflect and develop and exit plan and alternatives.
    Originally Posted by Jeff8619
    I can afford all the household bills and mortgage on my own no problem as I pay them all now anyway. she is unaware that I am feeling this way. She knows I don't love her and the relationship isn't great but she isn't aware I am thinking of breaking up.

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  6. #35
    Originally Posted by Jeff8619
    I can afford all the household bills and mortgage on my own no problem as I pay them all now anyway. The issue is the bank. Even if you can show you can support on your own they may not want to remove the joint party from the mortgage as they would rather have 2 people they can chase for money not 1, should we stop paying.

    It will never go to child support as I will always pay my way for my child. That won't be an issue.

    No tension at home really as she is unaware that I am feeling this way. She knows I don't love her and the relationship isn't great but she isn't aware I am thinking of breaking up.
    Sorry you ended up involved with a serial cheater for so long, get out as fast as you can and save yourself the pain.

    A good divorce attorney will guide through some of the above. Avoid any loose ends in the divorce settlement, child support and visitation will certainly be settled in writing. Parting couples can become extremely vindictive once the process officially starts due to financial constraints, embarassment, and one side feeling aggrieved. I'm close with someone who does family law for a living, you wouldn't believe the stories (emptying bank accounts, liquidating assets, moving children to the max distance allowed, etc.). Sounds like you guys remain civil, so don't surprise her with the filing but talk with an attorney privately to prepare. Hopefully you both can do what's in the best interest of your child.

  7. #36
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    Your attorney can help negotiate a settlement with her attorney. Once a settlement is agreed on, she can sign a "Quit Claim" deed to remove herself from the property title.

    I would recommend setting up a child support agreement. She and the coworker (or a new boyfriend ) might suddenly decide you're not providing enough support and take YOU to court. Without an agreement and receipts she could claim you haven't given her a dime. It's to provide for the child and protect YOU.

    You may think "oh, she would NEVER do that!"...until she does. Don't allow yourself to be caught out.

  8. #37
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    They are not married.
    Originally Posted by HeartofHeart
    A good divorce attorney.... Avoid any loose ends in the divorce settlement...

  9. 12-04-2018, 11:18 PM

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