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Thread: Gf left me for a guy and came back after they hooked up

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Yikes! No!
    Originally Posted by Jeff8619
    I have been toying with the idea of a asking the OM about their fling. Asking who ended it. I know who it is so a simple Facebook message will be easy.

  2. #22
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    Wise man you think that's a really bad idea? What bad could come if it? The worst that can happen is he never replies surly?

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    What's the point of it? You're stuck living together but there's no connection or trust. That won't change regardless of who broke it off and why she came back or what her lover would respond.

    Besides he could lie to you about who ended it and then what? He could tell her you are stalking her ex lovers. How does that help your living arrangement? You're still stuck in a mortgage/house with someone who left you and where there is no trust, no respect and no connection. So you're still back at square one.
    Originally Posted by Jeff8619
    What bad could come if it? The worst that can happen is he never replies surly?

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    What's the point of it? You're stuck living together but there's no connection or trust. That won't change regardless of who broke it off and why she came back or what her lover would respond.

    Besides he could lie to you about who ended it and then what? He could tell her you are stalking her ex lovers. How does that help your living arrangement? You're still stuck in a mortgage/house with someone who left you and where there is no trust, no respect and no connection. So you're still back at square one.

    I guess I'm clutching at straws for no reason. its just nice to know if you are the first choice of second choice. It would be a no argument if I could say to her "look I've found out that you are only her for lack of a better option so I'm not going to wait around until you decide you have found a better person and leave again when it suits you" thats what I'm looking to find out I guess but you're right. it won't make a difference weather I know or not. the situation will still be the same until I do something about it.
    Ultimately I believe the end game will be breaking up with her but I need to get some things sorted for myself before that happens. Even if I start the process of sorting things out now it Weill be a minimum of 6 months before I can say I'm breaking up with her so its going to be a long journey.

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  6. #25
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    You were her second choice. She left you for him and obv he snubbed her that'd why she's back.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by Jeff8619
    I have been toying with the idea of a asking the OM about their fling. Asking who ended it. I know who it is so a simple Facebook message will be easy. What do you think? Would it be a good idea to message the guy she got with? That's the only chance I'm going to have at finding out the truth.
    Well, not necessarily, no.

    Plenty of affair partners lie, too. To cover for the cheater, to cover their own butt, to shirk responsibility. You can't assume that what he tells you (if anything) would be true. When you need to go to this extent, you are often beating a dead horse. Or at least, the wrong dead horse.

    The problem remains that she behaved dishonestly and went looking for another guy. She betrayed your trust and acted inappropriately. This guy's responses wouldn't change that. Ultimately, those are your biggest issues. I understand you're itching to know why she came back to you, but knowing that doesn't help resolve the more serious problems that led to this whole affair in the first place.

  8. #27
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    people don't break up with their first choice

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    This is most definitely something to reflect on as you face your decisions about her.
    Originally Posted by spunkmire
    people don't break up with their first choice

  10. #29
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jeff8619
    The thing is we have a mortgage together so simply breaking up was never a straight option.
    I'd seek legal advice from an attorney to learn my options and the steps for each option. Then choose an option and work the steps.

    Whether GF got dumped or not, it doesn't sound like this relationship will last.

  11. #30
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    I just want to thank everyone for the advice I have been given. Quite the bitter pill to swallow hearing these things but who best to get help from than complete strangers that hold no bias.

    What I have gathered so far is it doesn't matter why she came back and finding the answers won't help the fundimental issues we have as a couple. Ultimately I think the road to go down is breaking up and making sure the right one is chosen given we have a house and a child.

    Warning lights should have gone off 4 months into the relationship when I learnt that she was talking to an old flame but after much arguments and trickling of truths that she chose to feed me only after me persistently telling her I don't think she's telling the truth, we settled down somewhat into the relationship routine.
    I only have myself to blame really as I have had plenty of reasons to break up with her before our lovely little child was born. Or before she became pregnant should I say, but for one reason or another I stayed and now find myself in this situation.

    Some advice for anyone reading this that is going through a similar issue but has no children/mortgage...If you have doubt then PLEASE break it off with them. If they are showing signs of infidelity no matter how small. then just break up. its a lot harder when there are children and finances involved.
    Even a sneaky txt to someone of the opposite sex (or the same sex in some cases) that they didn't mention could be a sign of their future behaviour.

    I should have broke up with her 4 months in but here I am 4 years in with pretty much the same mindset as I had when I first found out her hidden phone habits.

    If anyone needs some help with similar situations then please don't hesitate to ask as my gut is pretty iron clad when its sniffing out untoward behaviour. Most of the things I found out about her cheating ways would never have surfaced hadn't I been persistent and listened to my gut. If its one thing a cheater is good at, it is DENIAL. Sometimes you can have the proof right under their nose and they will still try to discredit you in anyway they can.

    ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT. When you have no proof then just trust your gut until you do. It will serve you well.

    Speak soon.

    J.

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