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Thread: Gf left me for a guy and came back after they hooked up

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by Jeff8619
    The thing is we have a mortgage together so simply breaking up was never a straight option.
    What do you think that people who get divorced do? This is not a healthy relationship, and you should expect more from a partner.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 11-15-2018 at 08:54 PM.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    I can't believe that you took her back! Where is your self respect!

    It does not matter why she came back, but it matters that you allowed her to.

    She can't love or respect you, to treat you in this manner. I would bet money that this will happen again, but with someone else.
    I do think this yes. Only time will tell when. She doesn't have any self control so when a situation presents itself she will not stop herself. As you said no love or respect. And this is drfo true.

  3. #13
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    Why are you with this woman?

  4. #14
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    So, I have a slightly different take here to get to the same conclusion.

    Your gf got a little mixed up a year back, dabbled in some potential emotional infidelity, broke up to explore that. Which really sucks, and I'm sorry for that moment. But it happens, and happened.

    I highly doubt, people being people, that she lost feelings for you when she broke up, even when she explored whatever she explored with this dude. She was in the wind a bit. She had sex with someone else, while she was single, and I suspect she was being honest when she told you it was a mistake and wanted you back. Whether it's because dude had something else going on or because it made her remember what she left or because she's a bit of a lost soul—that's kind of splitting hairs, not the points to get forensic about.

    You had feelings too, ranging from love to a wounded ego, and you've given it another solid go. That isn't weak. That's not a lack of self-respect. It's a big risk to see if there was more to explore, and as you process these lessons, and do some growing, you'll find ways to harness that appetite for risk in ways that serve you better. Don't let this whole thing make you cynical and paranoid about love and relationships—it's not worth it.

    What's most important right now is that feeling in your gut: that this thing just isn't working. That's not because of this chapter, not really. It's because she is simply incapable of giving you enough of what you need to feel excited and secure. That's what you've spent the past year feeling out, and it sounds like you've gotten an answer. So listen to that, so you can make room for something that doesn't give you that gut feeling.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Jeff8619
    Me and my gf have never been the same and I'm struggling to re connect with her. Things don't feel right and I am also starting to get the same gut feeling again that something isn't right.
    I think this is your real problem, not how she broke up with this guy, but what's happening now. Have you two just been going through the motions for the past year? Is there no spark or love anymore? Are you acting like an old married couple after only four years of a relationship?

    It seems like this may be the reason why you should break up. If the relationship isn't going anywhere than you have to move on. Sell the house, split any profits (or buy her out) and split up. Find someone who you do have that spark with.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by Jeff8619
    My question is what are the chances that my gf was rejected after they had sex and she only came crawling back because she was dumped by her Co worker?.
    Very high, I'm afraid.

    Staying together because you have a mortgage makes no sense. Yes, it's logistically harder to break up but cohabiting and married couples do so all the time. A mortgage doesn't have to mean you must stay together.

    I think you're seeing that even though your girlfriend came back, her heart's not really in this anymore. She was already largely checking out when she was cheating on you, and it appears that has never improved.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. It's unclear why you took her back after knowing she was cheating. It doesn't matter whether her coworker/lover has a gf, or who ended it. At this point you are just playing house and providing a home base for her until the next new lover comes along.

    She already knows it's ok to cheat because...."you have a mortgage"? She's not "a lost soul ", she's not "confused", she didn't think it was "a mistake", she's a cheater. Making believe it's ok and making excuses about her being "lost" is the straight path to being a fool and doormat.

    She cheated, you can't (and shouldn't) trust her, so basically the relationship is over anyway. Why hang on and drag this out? She obviously sees you as disposable when something new and interesting comes along.
    Originally Posted by Jeff8619
    she said she wanted to leave and progress with this Co worker. Fast forward a year and we are together. Me and my gf have never been the same and I'm struggling to re connect with her. Things don't feel right and I am also starting to get the same gut feeling again that something isn't right.
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 11-16-2018 at 06:12 AM.

  9. #18
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    DANZEE - I think this is your real problem, not how she broke up with this guy, but what's happening now

    Partly agree - my argument is if it was a genuine mistake on her behalf and she genuinely wanted to come back then yes things can be made a go of, however if she only came back because her lover chucked her to the kerb then in her own self she doesn't want to make an effort with me, she is only with me now because she doesn't have any other options and if this is the case then the whole relationship for the past year is based on lies and is fake. it changes the whole dynamic of it. To be honest I'm leaning toward the second scenario as she says she wants ti/is trying to get things back on track but actions speak louder than words but I haven't seen ANY actions since we decided to try.

    Wisemad - She cheated, you can't (and shouldn't) trust her, so basically the relationship is over anyway. Why hang on and drag this out? She obviously sees you as disposable when something new and interesting comes along

    I agree with this and everything is pointing to this right now. When something new comes along I really doubt she will hold back if someone presents themselves to her.
    Personally I honestly think right now that once I have a few things taken care of, I will be looking to end this relationship.

  10. #19
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    If she came back because she was dumped she will never tell you that unless she has no choice. (as in if there is undeniable evidence) No one wants to let someone know you're their second choice or that they're with you for convenience. An ex-gf of mine went through a similar thing. After we broke up she started dating someone else and less then a year into it she reached out to me because she needed my advice. She had started cheating on her new bf and wanted to leave for the new guy. She ended up breaking up with her bf and going to see the new guy again only to discover he wanted only A FWB thing. She went nuclear on him and tried to extract revenge. (they worked together and she tried to get him fired) He basically ghosted her and she was forced to go back to her ex-BF. The EX knew nothing of what happened, didn't even know the other guy existed. Everything went good i guess (she only reached out to me when she needed advice on this stuff) until the FWB guy started texting her again and she meet up with him a few times behind the BF's back, and texted as well without the BF's knowledge. It ended badly again with her being ghosted once again, and she went into a depression but stayed with the BF and they are now married.

    I'm not sure of this helps but that's what happened in her case. Personally once I think you lose trust in someone one you should cut your loses, but that's just me. I definitely know couples that are in similar situation with your mortgage issue too. It's like married couples that stay together just for the kids though. It never ends well.

  11. #20
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    [He basically ghosted her and she was forced to go back to her ex-BF.]

    This does help yes. I've always thought maybe this happened. It will just be a big kick to my back should I find out she is only back because she was ghosted as it were.
    It would just mean all the affection, the smiles, sex is all a smoke screen and the second a better (or in her case, any) suiter comes along then the same process could start. I haven't mentioned yet that we do have a small child together. That along with the mortgage makes it quite difficult to just end it. I would have ended it had there not been these anchors. Also I'm much better off financially so she wouldn't be able to just go find a place to stay.

    I have been toying with the idea of a asking the OM about their fling. Asking who ended it. I know who it is so a simple Facebook message will be easy. What do you think? Would it be a good idea to message the guy she got with? That's the only chance I'm going to have at finding out the truth.

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