Not happy, but afraid it will be worse if we separate

Hoo boy, where to even begin?

I came to this community a long time ago under a different account, which I've since lost the email address to. The people here really helped me work through a pretty harsh breakup. Unfortunately, I'm back again with different circumstances.

My wife and I met and had a whirlwind relationship, got married fast, like 6 months fast. In hindsight, obviously we rushed way too fast. On top of that, we were married for maybe 1-2 months when she got pregnant with our daughter. Flash forward to after the baby was born, things began to change. My forgetting to do things here and there (I have ADD, and it's been a struggle for me my whole life) began to equate to me "not being reliable". I didn't "do enough things to make her feel special". Every argument with her usually involves lots of cheap shots and insults on her part, which after the fact she'll admit is not her best quality, but it doesn't do much when she sets out to be hurtful during the argument.

She was fit and in good shape when we met, but after she got pregnant, she just gave up. We wasted hundreds of dollars on gym memberships because she would sign up, go for maybe 2 weeks, then quit going but we were still stuck on contract. She blew $2k on some hypnosis program (signed up without even talking to me) and gave up on that. She eats crazy unhealthy, doesn't work out, but then complains about her weight. I try dieting with her because I could stand to lose a few extra lbs myself, but I catch hell 3-4 days in because she wants to cheat and I'm the one telling her we need to stick to the plan.

Our daughter is now 5. We've moved back to my home state, and work for my parents. My parents have admittedly not been the best people to work for, very stingy with money and no consideration for our needs in terms of time off, etc. It's been a struggle since we got here, and that has not helped our relationship at all. But all the while, all I hear is her complaining about how we don't make enough, how our house isn't big enough, and so on. There's never any satisfaction about what we DO have. She's always on edge, and it takes nothing to set her off. She's simply not the same person she was when we met.

I finally fulfilled a small dream of mine and joined the local community theater. I'd been wanting to do it since we got here, but this was the first time I felt like I had time. The catch is I need to be at rehearsal for no more than 2 hours a day on week nights. This has gone over like a lead balloon. Now I'm "never around" and "everything is dumped on her". I work between 45-50 hours a week so she can stay home and work on her home business, and be there when our daughter gets home from school. I know that my commitment to the play equates to about an additional 10 hours away from home, but the resentment about me pursuing my passion really has put a damper on things for me.

She let me have both barrels this morning before I left for work. The same things, how she can't count on me, I'm never around (this play only started 3 weeks ago and has 3 left before it's wrapped) everything gets dumped on her and that I "never go above and beyond to make her feel special."

Am I just a lousy husband? I work hard to provide for my family. I have problems remembering stuff sometimes, but it's not because I don't care, despite her claims otherwise. She says I'm selfish and that I only think about myself and I don't care about anybody else. I don't feel that's true. All I know is I'm unhappy, because she's always on the verge of being in a bad mood, because she's never content with the way things are (we own a house and don't have to live an overly frugal lifestyle, but we need more money and a bigger house). She nags me about everything because, yes, I forget sometimes. But there's a difference between reminding someone and the condescending tone she does it in, like I'm a small child that she has to explain it to in detail.

I'm not happy. I'm just not. I feel trapped and isolated and targeted, I hurt emotionally. I've got a lump in my throat just typing this admission of my own unhappiness. Acting was kind of my "break" from life, a small distraction from all the troubles. This will be both my first and last play, because despite her claims, she doesn't even support me doing this one, and certainly won't support me doing another, so I'm going to have this taken away from me as well. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm terrified that if we separate, she's going to take our daughter and leave the state to go back to her family. I love that kid so much I can't even describe it, and the thought of having her ripped away from me and only seeing her occasionally just kills me. Then there's the whole financial aspect of things, where I'll either lose my half of the house and have to move out and still provide alimony, or we just sell the whole bloody thing at a loss and I won't know where I'll end up.

Any input helps, thanks for reading.

It would help you to check your local laws on divorce, alimony, child support and child visitation/custody. Living in terror of staying and terror of leaving, but doing nothing about it either way will only deepen your resentment and make you more miserable.

You have 2 choices. Get into marriage therapy and try to improve things or start consulting attorneys to see what your options are.

I'm terrified that if we separate, she's going to take our daughter and leave the state to go back to her family.

Well, you're being emotionally abused by your wife. You really didn't know her after only a 6-month romance, a quick marriage and a quick pregnancy. You might have spotted this quality in her if you had spent more time with her.

As for your choices, there's divorce as Wiseman2 suggests, or you just learn to ignore her. Every time she nags you, just tell her, "I love you." When she says you don't do enough around the house, again say, "I love you." It will frustrate her eventually that you're not fighting back. Stand your ground. Get your self-esteem and self-respect back. She's the one who has the problem. She's the one who's angry. Your only problem is her, but she's made you doubt yourself.

As for your ADD, get a little notebook that you can fit in your pocket and write down the things she wants you to do. That way you won't forget. I worked at a detail-oriented job where the company suggested this, and it worked! It can work for you. Write everything down and cross it off when it's done.

And you should do some research on other things you can do for yourself. Google "emotional abuse" and "emotional dependency" and read them. There is some advice online on how to deal with an abuser and your personal relationship with one.

Another tactic would be to just ask questions when she's yelling at you. Ask "why do you insult me?" "Why do you feel this way about me?" It makes her have to think and recognize what she's doing.

So there are ways you can shut her down and recover your sense of self. You can do it if you want. Or just walk away.

She was fit and in good shape when we met, but after she got pregnant, she just gave up.

She's always on edge, and it takes nothing to set her off. She's simply not the same person she was when we met.

These statements set off alarm bells. Before making any rash decisions, I would ensure she sees a professional therapist or medical doctor. For your and your child's safety.

Lastly,

I finally fulfilled a small dream of mine and joined the local community theater.

That's great! I sincerely hope you keep at it. You'll find a way.

Wishing you all the best!

Yes definitely counseling and about the ADD and forgetting - how often do you forget about things having to do with the theater stuff? Can you do your best to improve on that aspect? I think community theater is awesome and I hope your family attends the play. I can relate a little to your wife feeling the brunt of the extra time away. Can you give her more free time to reciprocate. I’m sorry it’s so stressful and I hope you find a good counselor.

You have 2 choices. Get into marriage therapy and try to improve things or start consulting attorneys to see what your options are.

I brought up marriage counseling to her before, her response was to ask if that what it would take for me to see what I was doing wrong.

I'll admit that yeah, I probably don't do a lot to make her feel "special". But mostly because I don't want to because she's become this battle-axe half the bleeding time. If we go out with other people, she'll do her hair and makeup and look nice, when it's just the two of us, it's about a 50/50 shot at whether she'll put in the effort. I'm sorry, but I feel like there should be equal parts effort on keeping the romance alive. When she's happy and things are good, it's fine. But then something sets her off, and she gets quiet and broods about something for a while, be it hours or days, then eventually explodes into what I like to call, "Wrong Answer" the gameshow where everything you say is wrong and your points don't matter!

I recognize her verbal abuse, my dad was/is verbally abusive to this day. Sadly, in a lot of ways, she reminds me of life growing up with him. Things would be good, but eventually something would set him off and then my mom, sister and I would find ourselves doing our best to lay low so as not to draw his ire. With my wife, I can see when a storm is brewing when she gets quiet and won't have any type of real conversation beyond just one or two word answers. Eventually, I'll draw it out, either by asking or just going about things long enough for her to blow her lid. And it's always the same things I mentioned above: I'm unreliable, she has to do everything for my daughter and I, it's all on her, we're (my daughter and I) spoiled because of everything she does, and that I don't do enough for her. My role in the play has unfortunately added a new quote to her repertoire, that I'm "never around."

Every time she nags you, just tell her, "I love you." When she says you don't do enough around the house, again say, "I love you." It will frustrate her eventually that you're not fighting back. Stand your ground. Get your self-esteem and self-respect back. She's the one who has the problem. She's the one who's angry. Your only problem is her, but she's made you doubt yourself.

 

Another tactic would be to just ask questions when she's yelling at you. Ask "why do you insult me?" "Why do you feel this way about me?" It makes her have to think and recognize what she's doing.

Yeah, I tried the "I love you" thing once. She just spat back, "Do you? Because it doesn't feel like you do!" and launched into a tirade about how we're basically just roommates who sleep in the same bed and have a kid... soon to be two, by the way. I neglected to mention in my first post that she's pregnant again, which means in addition to her usual attitude, I'm also dealing with some potential hormonal issues. The first trimester with our daughter was a complete rollercoaster, now that I'm in it again, I'm having 'Nam flashbacks to all the blowups during the first pregnancy.

Anyway, getting back on point, I've tried some of those affirmative action responses, but they seem to bounce off her like bullets off of Superman. When she's got a mad on, there's really no rationality with her until she's completely gotten it off her chest and cooled down. And she's got a black belt in turning things around, any defense I make for myself she has a way of twisting into something that's actually my fault, or she just plays it off like it's nothing in comparison to whatever she's mad at me about.

She always talks like we have this fairy-tale love story, but sometimes I can't help but feel like I married the evil queen instead of Snow White.

Before making any rash decisions, I would ensure she sees a professional therapist or medical doctor. For your and your child's safety.

Not sure how I can make that happen. She has seen a doctor before and is on medication for depression. But the doctor just refills the prescription by phone and she doesn't ever do any follow-ups. I will say this, she's a lot kinder to our daughter than to me. She's told me we're both (my daughter and I) spoiled, but that it's acceptable for my daughter to be spoiled. What's really pissed me off is that she's full-on gone off on me and we've started fighting while my daughter was in the same room, which made her start to cry. She told me the next day that she asked my wife why we were fighting, and my wife apparently told her that it was because I never do anything she asks me to. My daughter's not one to play favorites, but I feel like my wife is subtly manipulating her against me with little things like this. -I'll gladly welcome anyone telling me I'm wrong about that.

Not sure how I can make that happen. She has seen a doctor before and is on medication for depression. But the doctor just refills the prescription by phone and she doesn't ever do any follow-ups.

Is she taking the correct dosage of antidepressants? How long has she been taking them? Also, antidepressants can have side effects such as weight gain. Someone qualified needs to assess if she is taking her medication correctly and if it's actually helping her. Follow-ups are important. Are any friends or family members able to get her to see her doctor? Even going to a different doctor for a second opinion might be wise. For your and your daughters safety, there must be a way to get her to see one.

In addition to this, you might consider seeking counselling to help you cope with all of this. It's a lot to deal with on your own.

Well, unfortunately you married your father.

Which is more common than you think. One of my friends pointed out that I married my brother (ick). But my brother was the one person who was alongside me in the hell our childhood was, so it kind of makes sense that I married a man similar in many ways to him.

You are trying to get your father's approval by proxy through your wife. I bet, despite the denials I expect you to make, that you saw the traits of your father in your wife and that's part of the reason you married her so quickly.

Have you truly tried everything? All methods? Normally I'd advise you to leave for your own sanity, but this is a family. It's worth it to try every avenue. Maybe individual counseling would benefit you.

And...can you look for employment outside the family business?

You are trying to get your father's approval by proxy through your wife.

Well, unfortunately you married your father.

^This 100000000%.

Usually people will keep attracting awful partners like some unhealthy dynamic in their childhood subconsciously until they deal with their issues. I highly recommend you do NOT give up your theater dream. Trust me, she won't be any happier but you'll be much more miserable and resentful. I also think you need to get yourself to a therapist and consult with a lawyer to see all your options. This woman is not going to change.

Hoo boy, where to even begin?

 

I came to this community a long time ago under a different account, which I've since lost the email address to. The people here really helped me work through a pretty harsh breakup. Unfortunately, I'm back again with different circumstances.

 

My wife and I met and had a whirlwind relationship, got married fast, like 6 months fast. In hindsight, obviously we rushed way too fast. On top of that, we were married for maybe 1-2 months when she got pregnant with our daughter. Flash forward to after the baby was born, things began to change. My forgetting to do things here and there (I have ADD, and it's been a struggle for me my whole life) began to equate to me "not being reliable". I didn't "do enough things to make her feel special". Every argument with her usually involves lots of cheap shots and insults on her part, which after the fact she'll admit is not her best quality, but it doesn't do much when she sets out to be hurtful during the argument.

 

She was fit and in good shape when we met, but after she got pregnant, she just gave up. We wasted hundreds of dollars on gym memberships because she would sign up, go for maybe 2 weeks, then quit going but we were still stuck on contract. She blew $2k on some hypnosis program (signed up without even talking to me) and gave up on that. She eats crazy unhealthy, doesn't work out, but then complains about her weight. I try dieting with her because I could stand to lose a few extra lbs myself, but I catch hell 3-4 days in because she wants to cheat and I'm the one telling her we need to stick to the plan.

 

Our daughter is now 5. We've moved back to my home state, and work for my parents. My parents have admittedly not been the best people to work for, very stingy with money and no consideration for our needs in terms of time off, etc. It's been a struggle since we got here, and that has not helped our relationship at all. But all the while, all I hear is her complaining about how we don't make enough, how our house isn't big enough, and so on. There's never any satisfaction about what we DO have. She's always on edge, and it takes nothing to set her off. She's simply not the same person she was when we met.

 

I finally fulfilled a small dream of mine and joined the local community theater. I'd been wanting to do it since we got here, but this was the first time I felt like I had time. The catch is I need to be at rehearsal for no more than 2 hours a day on week nights. This has gone over like a lead balloon. Now I'm "never around" and "everything is dumped on her". I work between 45-50 hours a week so she can stay home and work on her home business, and be there when our daughter gets home from school. I know that my commitment to the play equates to about an additional 10 hours away from home, but the resentment about me pursuing my passion really has put a damper on things for me.

 

She let me have both barrels this morning before I left for work. The same things, how she can't count on me, I'm never around (this play only started 3 weeks ago and has 3 left before it's wrapped) everything gets dumped on her and that I "never go above and beyond to make her feel special."

 

Am I just a lousy husband? I work hard to provide for my family. I have problems remembering stuff sometimes, but it's not because I don't care, despite her claims otherwise. She says I'm selfish and that I only think about myself and I don't care about anybody else. I don't feel that's true. All I know is I'm unhappy, because she's always on the verge of being in a bad mood, because she's never content with the way things are (we own a house and don't have to live an overly frugal lifestyle, but we need more money and a bigger house). She nags me about everything because, yes, I forget sometimes. But there's a difference between reminding someone and the condescending tone she does it in, like I'm a small child that she has to explain it to in detail.

 

I'm not happy. I'm just not. I feel trapped and isolated and targeted, I hurt emotionally. I've got a lump in my throat just typing this admission of my own unhappiness. Acting was kind of my "break" from life, a small distraction from all the troubles. This will be both my first and last play, because despite her claims, she doesn't even support me doing this one, and certainly won't support me doing another, so I'm going to have this taken away from me as well. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm terrified that if we separate, she's going to take our daughter and leave the state to go back to her family. I love that kid so much I can't even describe it, and the thought of having her ripped away from me and only seeing her occasionally just kills me. Then there's the whole financial aspect of things, where I'll either lose my half of the house and have to move out and still provide alimony, or we just sell the whole bloody thing at a loss and I won't know where I'll end up.

 

Any input helps, thanks for reading.

Your income is not strong, you have a 5 year old to coparent, and you want 10 hours a week to do whatever you want? OMG! If you were my husband, I'd literally pack your bags, and tell you to GTFO. I barely have 30 minutes total to myself during the week, if that without work and kids. By the way, of course she's not the same when you met. There's bills to pay, raising kids, and now her husband is gone 5 days a week doing whatever he wants. I can sense her libido has shriveled up. This is a giant case of man-child going on. Try putting all that energy back into finding a job you love, dating your wife, and appreciating her (not this she's a fatty non-sense), and spending time with your kid.

Everyone needs a break, but those 10 hours off really get dumped onto your wife, along with traveling back and forth to get there. I feel super bad for her, and know what she's feeling 100%.

By the way, if you want love, be loving. If you want romance, be romantic. If she feels you do nothing for her, and you admit you do nothing for her, she's not going to meet you half-way at the time. You need to actually take the initiative and follow-through on taking her out. Have an emotional connection. Rebuild. Talk to eachother. Check in.

You have just been checking out, and she sees this. If you want change, be the force of change. I feel so bad for her. You've gotten complacent. Ugh.

I brought up marriage counseling to her before, her response was to ask if that what it would take for me to see what I was doing wrong.

I'd have a list of 3 marriage counselors ready, and ask again. If this is her reaction, I'd respond, "Yes. I want to learn how to become a better husband and father. Are you willing to attend with me so we can be on the same side instead of living like adversaries?"

I'd also start learning how to negotiate your wants and needs, such as your theater, instead of just imposing them on wife. Negotiation means offering something of value to wife in exchange for something of value to you. Successful couples do this all the time. They have mental 'bribery lists' that they use to make deals to entice one another into buy in. Bribery is the fine art of showing a partner what's in it for them to give you what you want. You don't need to apply guess work, you can ask her for a list of things she wants from you, and then offer her something from it every time you want something from her.

So start there. Ask wife what you can give her in exchange for dropping complaints about your theater work for the next 3 weeks. Then don't sit on it, deliver it.