This is rude, right?

I received this text message from my husband this morning "I hope it was satisfying to chew me out over rice in the sink while i was making my lunch and putting my dirty dishes away. I hope it makes you feel better to act like that, it really shows how much more i should appreciate you.

I'm busy today so please don't contact me, I'll be home when I'm home."

How would you respond? I'm a stay at home mom and asked him to simply not leave left over food in the sink.

I wouldn't. Does he usually deflect?

Wait until he gets home.

Welcome to ENA. I'd probably talk to him tonight. Maybe you two could benefit from couples' counseling - I am guessing this is not the first incident that you two have had. Maybe some trips to the counselor can help you both communicate better.

Yes, he does

Kinda sounds like he was implying you should have been making his lunch and putting the dishes away. Maybe there's some hidden resentment and he feels you should be doing more as he's going to work.

Personally, I wouldn't put much thought into it.

He was upset over feeling like he got heck over something, allow him to feel upset.

It sounds so small on the grand scheme of things, I would just let it go, unless of course this is a frequent occurrence between you two in which case maybe you need to address your issues

As you realize this mutual hostility isn't about rice or texts. How often do you bicker like this? It doesn't require a response because this isn't a question, just a statement about your anger and raging.

It sounds like you are overwhelmed and unhappy and think he doesn't help out enough or do things to your specifications. Some marriage therapy to learn to communicate and coexist would help.

I received this text message from my husband this morning "I hope it was satisfying to chew me out over rice in the sink while i was making my lunch and putting my dirty dishes away. I hope it makes you feel better to act like that, it really shows how much more i should appreciate you.

I'm busy today so please don't contact me, I'll be home when I'm home."I'm a stay at home mom and asked him to simply not leave left over food in the sink.

We have been to marriage counseling. He likes to use not coming home until he is home as a threat because he used to always threaten leaving and does in arguments. I am going to ignore his post but wonder if I should be gone tonight when he decided to come home.

I mean, if what he wrote was accurate, I'd say it's no more rude than the behavior of yours he described.

And, honestly, and I say this as the person by and large most capable and responsible for keeping the place sanitary in my marriage, your breadwinner is making his own lunch before work and you'd rather take the time to police him before he's even embarked rather than invest the 10 seconds spraying down the sink and emptying the strainer? I could understand maybe if he'd left his sandwich crust on the counter while he watches college ball on a Saturday afternoon, but in this situation, that is next level petty.

Pick crappy battles and you'll get crappy arguments.

We have been to marriage counseling. He likes to use not coming home until he is home as a threat because he used to always threaten leaving and does in arguments. I am going to ignore his post but wonder if I should be gone tonight when he decided to come home.

Wouldn't that escalate it?

I made his lunch. All he had to do was put it in his lunch containers from yesterday. To be fair, I asked if I could help with that. He was exaggerating his responsibilities. Yes he brings home the paycheck, but I take care of Everything else.

I suppose. I feel like he wanted to fight. The rice wasn't even something we argued about this morning. I think he is deflecting. He's mad because I didn't give him a big loved dovey goodbye

Whose idea was it for you to be home full time?collaborative or more one sided? What did you discuss about what his responsibilities would be around the house or with the kids? Is there any plan for you to work outside the home in the future? I was home for about 7 years but contributed from another income source to monthly expenses because I wanted to not because I was asked. And I assumed that 95% of household responsibilities were mine and my husband told me to hire a cleaning service which I did. He works long hours and travels so I saw home and child care as primarily my responsibility. When I went back part time it required ongoing discussions about shifting some responsibilities to him and arranging for childcare at times. Some discussions aren’t easy because of expectations not aligning it from this experience my suggestion is pick your battles including the timing and have those tougher discussions in advance when you are calm so resentment doesn’t build. Good luck!

Get a housekeeper regularly and a babysitter once in a while. Leave the kids with friends family once in a while. Go on date nights. Plan them. Do it. Get into some mother/child groups to socialize and not feel so trapped.

Also do something satisfying with your time, such as taking online courses. get some intellectual and social stimulation. And getting some exercise, such as a gym class or mother/child fitness classes. Stop doing things he can do for himself like make lunch before work. Stop trying to be supermom/superwife, then resenting your own perfectionism.

Split up errands and chores. For example who takes out the trash or does laundry, etc. Don't attack people when you are pissed and they are just walking in or out of the door. You won't get their attention that way, just the defensive response you got from this attack. Discuss things calmly and fairly.

Why didn't marriage therapy help? Why is he always threatening to leave? If you are pissed, cool off and resist the urge to rip someone a new one while in a frustrated rage. Go to therapy by yourself. Learn what's really bothering you and what to do about it.

I made his lunch. All he had to do was put it in his lunch containers from yesterday. To be fair, I asked if I could help with that. He was exaggerating his responsibilities. Yes he brings home the paycheck, but I take care of Everything else.

I suppose. I feel like he wanted to fight. The rice wasn't even something we argued about this morning. I think he is deflecting. He's mad because I didn't give him a big loved dovey goodbye

What has worked in the past to de escalate the situation ?

The text message does seem rude, but, to be honest, I can't really judge this text message and accuse your husband of being rude without knowing the details of what prompted him to send this text in the first place.

It sounds like your husband is harbouring a lot of resentment, so I suspect that this message was not just sent as a result of you being upset over rice being left in the sink.

And your post about potentially not being home when he returns home from work tonight implies that you're resentful towards your husband as well.

Have you two attended counselling at all?

If not, I would seriously consider seeking marital counselling for the both of you.

It sounds like you're both unhappy in the marriage, and until you both open up to each other as to why you are resentful, I'm guessing your behaviour towards each other, including text message exchange, will continue to be passive-aggressive.

I suppose, but I think he is deflecting. We weren't even arguing about rice today. I think he was mad he didn't get a warm embrace goodbye. Truly, he makes me sound like a child in this post, but he likes to dwell.

He also makes it sound like I bother him all day. He gets upset if I don't send texts throughout the day.

I suppose, but I think he is deflecting. We weren't even arguing about rice today. I think he was mad he didn't get a warm embrace goodbye. Truly, he makes me sound like a child in this post, but he likes to dwell.

Why didn’t you hug him?

I was not in a rage at all this morning. I don't pick fights when one is put the door. Marriage therapy didn't help because it really turned into him and our counselor having sessions it was more his counseling and not us anymore so she recommended he see someone in that realm. If she continued, it was a conflict of interest. He won't go unless I go. I would agree he needs his own counseling due to his past family life where he does hgave prorms with low esteem and anger.

I do think your suggestions are good ones!

Because he was being a jerk. I said goodbye. He went off before he left.

Thanks! It was a mutual decision. I saved prior to the baby, so money isn't an issue, but I do think it puts him in a place of power and he uses it against me.

If you suspect he's deflecting and is just really miffed about not getting a warm goodbye, then why not approach him warmly about it? Why not be the better person and see his outburst as a weakness on his part, because he feels neglected and simply misses you?

You sound like you just want to "up" one another, win the upper hand by not being home tonight to "top" his remark about being home whenever he gets home. That doesn't sound very loving. If you love him, why not try to get rid of this resentment you've built and extend your hand instead of insisting on your right to be angry? He might not catch on immediately, but I guarantee he'll repay the favor by being more loving with you in return.

Thanks! It was a mutual decision. I saved prior to the baby, so money isn't an issue, but I do think it puts him in a place of power and he uses it against me.

Every single one of your posts sound like you're convinced he's just out to get you, and judging by his defensive text, he feels the same about you. It'd be really helpful to give him the benefit of the doubt and not assume the worst possible motive for his actions.

If you suspect he's deflecting and is just really miffed about not getting a warm goodbye, then why not approach him warmly about it? Why not be the better person and see his outburst as a weakness on his part, because he feels neglected and simply misses you?

 

You sound like you just want to "up" one another, win the upper hand by not being home tonight to "top" his remark about being home whenever he gets home. That doesn't sound very loving. If you love him, why not try to get rid of this resentment you've built and extend your hand instead of insisting on your right to be angry? He might not catch on immediately, but I guarantee he'll repay the favor by being more loving with you in return.

^I completely agree with this. Until someone extends an olive branch, the one-upping will continue.