Needing clarity - possible vent

So, I've been a long term lurker since my wife left 4 months ago after 1 year of marriage. The split came out of nowhere and has been very hard to deal with.

She was extremely cold when we split and I moved out that day (No fault divorce planned and no finances etc. to settle). She has continued to either be cold or angry in every interaction since.

I was the usual begging mess for the first month or so and our last email interactions were over a month ago and weren't particularly civil as I had gained some backbone by that point and didn't put up with her tone. All contact was initiated by me. I've since cut myself off from this.

Despite all the above I do believe our problems can be resolved (her friends have told me she thought I didn't listen to her anymore, ironically she's never told me this). I think we were both poor communicators but the underlying relationship was strong.

Anyway, she's usually very private about feelings but over the last week she's been posting photos of our honeymoon and other joint holidays on Instagram with vaguely referential taglines. This is the sort of behaviour she would openly deride in other people when we were together. She's also in her early 30s.

My therapist and others have said she may start to reach out once reality sets in for her. I'm not rising to breadcrumbs but I'm wondering if direct contact is likely in the near future. I don't have her on socal media however a friend contacted me this morning to let me know about the above.

I'm not responding to anything other than direct reference to reconciliation. I'm also not letting it get to me, if anything it helped knowing she was going through some of this mess too.

Unfortunately moving out and filing for divorce is the end, not the beginning of a relationship. How long did you date before you got married? What were the fights about? Why did she move out/ file for divorce?

my wife left 4 months ago after 1 year of marriage. She was extremely cold when we split and I moved out that day. No fault divorce planned

 

My therapist and others have said she may start to reach out once reality sets in for her.

Yeah I'm aware I've got a very slim chance here. 4 years together before marriage, 3 of which we lived together.

Barely any fights other than the usual minor disagreements. As I said, didn't see this coming at all, was completely blindsided and just given "unhappiness" as the reason.

She chose the path of not communicating to fix any problems she perceived. To me that means the love is gone, because a person in love will try to fix things without just throwing in the towel, when there is nothing egregious going on like abuse.

If you want to, I'd ask her to attend marriage counseling. If she refuses, stop all unnecessary contact and tell friends you don't want news of her. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

Are you sure? People usually don't move out and file for divorce after only a year of marriage for "minor arguments". It sounds like you've been tuning her out so much you haven't a clue why she left.

Your chances of reconciliation are slim anyway, but with no clue why she was this unhappy it's zero. Even if you don't try to "get your ex back" (common online scam), it would be a good idea to discuss communication skills and understanding relationships with your therapist for the future.

Perhaps you were a bit too happy and complacent, so much so you were in your own world?

Barely any fights other than the usual minor disagreements. As I said, didn't see this coming at all, was completely blindsided and just given "unhappiness" as the reason.

The split came out of nowhere and has been very hard to deal with.

People don't end marriages for no reason. There were problems in your relationship you were choosing not to see and acknowledge. Your time would be better spent trying to figure out what the problems were and taking responsibility for your part vs. waiting for her to contact you.

Her coldness is a sign that she is probably done.

I've spent plenty of time self analysing and resolving my own issues and hers. We both had a part to play but in my opinion not dramatic enough to be marriage ending. My question was more on the social media aspect, I know enough about the issues that I don't feel the need to rehash them here. People don't put up honeymoon photos 4 months after their marriage has broken down for no reason.

I appreciate the comments above however, it's more this part of it I'm trying to rationalise just now however.

Who knows why they do it? Maybe she’s feeling nostalgic? Whatever the reason it’s a testament for going NC. I would tell your friends to not mention her anymore. That’s what I had to do to get over my ex. I deleted Facebook for a couple years and when I reactivated it I immediately blocked my ex wife. These are still breadcrumbs and keep you stuck. I would analyze these things way too long, like my ex emailing me about a song on the radio that we had history to, blah blah I mean why? That perplexed me for days. And really it meant nothing.

Trying to rationalize a small piece of what she is doing is about as effective as trying to put out a forest fire with a watering can. Everyone tries to do this when a relationship ends... looks for little rays of hope and ways we can continue to live in our fantasy of what might have been... at the end of the day, we can all tell you from experience that it won't help you move forward or understand why she did what she did. All it will do is create even more frustration and confusion as you separate fantasy from reality.

The big picture here is that... despite your opinion to the contrary... she found your relationship intolerable to the point that she ended the marriage over it. People don't end marriages because they are feeling happy, loved, accepted, and like everything is going well.

I've spent plenty of time self analysing and resolving my own issues and hers. We both had a part to play but in my opinion not dramatic enough to be marriage ending. My question was more on the social media aspect, I know enough about the issues that I don't feel the need to rehash them here. People don't put up honeymoon photos 4 months after their marriage has broken down for no reason.

 

I appreciate the comments above however, it's more this part of it I'm trying to rationalise just now however.

You want us to give you hope, not opinions then.

You are doing exactly what you said you were trying not to and that responding to bread crumbs.

THere must have been problems prior to getting married for her to call it quits so soon. Maybe she thought you would change, or that she would.

I suggest you read “the rational male” and continue the no contact. Maybe the book will illuminate some hard truths and you’ll be better able to handle whatever comes next