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lingering in orbit, emotional residue


bluecastle

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So, a few weeks ago, listening to both my spirit and you wise people, I ended the relationship I was in. 4 months total.

 

I won't rehash that thread, but synopsis goes: I'm 39, she's 29, we rolled hard and sweet for a good 3 months and then things took a sour turn. Tried my best to navigate that, but ultimately felt she just has some sh*t to work out and I was going to keep getting whiplash.

 

The ending was amicable, respectful. Told her I wished there was more to explore, but don't want to force anything, and right now it feels like forcing. We had a "I don't think we've seen the last of each other" exchange.

 

It's been sad, but that's life. I've just been doing me, genuinely enjoying the break from what was taking a turn into dramatic-of-the-wrong-sort territory. Hobbies, friends, work, a surf trip on the horizon, some dabbling in light romance. I'm not a wallower.

 

Still, I haven't been able to shake the sense that something is unresolved. She's reached out plenty since, little texts, little social media pokes. Comments about how she's not interested in anyone but me, but just not ready. Some I ignore, some I respond to tepidly. Not out of games or malice; I just know when I need to heal, and while I'll go to the moon inside a relationship I don't play the crutch once it's done. I've reached out to her exactly zero times, though I haven't fully closed the door emotionally.

 

Recently she showed up at a bar, explicitly to see me, seeing my motorcycle out front. A bit confusing, all that, as when we were in a "thing" she seemed overwhelmed; now that we're not she seems awfully interested. Classic, I know. Whether she has big feelings swirling with big confusion, or a big need for attention—verdict out.

 

Earlier this week I posted something on IG looking for a house sitter, and she quickly offered to take care of my home and cat. That was weird. My house was a sore spot for her just a few weeks ago, since I rent it from a woman I once dated, and in the one open exchange we've had since she told me she "couldn't be another woman I dated and became friends with." I told her I just want her to be the woman I'm dating, left it at that. Ignored the offer to housesit. Just didn't sit well.

 

Then, earlier today, I get a message from her: "Last night I became overwhelmed with gratitude at everything you showed me in the short time we were together, and I just want to thank you again."

 

And, well, I'm a bit thrown. The earnestness. The whiff of reflection. The stuff, in short, that I very much liked, very much miss, and remain frustrated that we're not still exploring. Had it come out of nowhere, I'd see it as a nice little closure text; coming on the heels of a lot of light contact, some of it flirty, I'm a bit confused. Attention grab? Or authenticity?

 

I guess I'm asking for thoughts, advice. My gut says just be grateful back in a sentence, keep letting it all breathe, keep moving forward. My other gut says I present as awfully stoic, was maybe a bit hasty in ending things, maybe trying to get to the high ground faster because my skills at navigating the middle ground are lacking.

 

Blah blah. Thoughts on interpretation? Response? No response? I know myself—won't sit in the gray zone too long. But I don't want to rush out of it at the expense of who knows what.

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Methinks youre doing it again.

 

Romanticizing something that simply doesn't rise to the occasion.

 

Dont get me wrong, its possible you feel things arent finished because they truly arent.

 

But its also possible, she wants what she cant have and once she gets her toy back it'll be right back to the games.

 

Its possible you both have this once in a lifetime love blossoming and you just need to see eye to eye.

 

But its also possible, you are seeing things through rose tinted lenses because you dont want to let this go even though its the right choice.

 

I dont know the reality, like I said, things are just too muddied with pretty words.

 

I do wish you luck though.

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I think if she wants to date you she would have been clear, since your intent seems obvious. It sounds a bit like attention grabbing and like the previous poster pointed out wanting what she can’t have. Exhausting.

If you feel like you want to keep the door open, let her know she can contact you once she has figured out what she wants, and if you’re still available then you can get together. Before then, for your sake, cut the contact for now. Her behavior sounds completely confusing.

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Oh, I’m with you, figureitout.

 

The glasses came off, largely, after my last thread. Much as I wax poetic here, I move forward, fast, out in the world.

 

The older I get, the lower the threshold for these purgatories. I’ll hover in it a bit, but I need way more than texts and pokes to stay interested.

 

I’m going away for 3 weeks in a week, so there’s a nice buffer on the horizon.

 

Anyhow, I just find myself in this spot that is frustrating. Where I get a little note like this and just kind of freeze. Good instincts? Self protection? Who knows?

 

I haven’t responded and don’t feel a pressing need. Certainly don’t want to be a toy.

 

Thanks for listening.

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Well, that's why a lot of us on ENA recommend going No Contact. This girl is just going to keep pestering you. If you keep answering her, you give her hope that you're going to get back together with her. If you were a new poster, I would say block her, delete her, erase her. If you want to try again, it seems like you may have won the argument about your ex being your landlord. She seems willing to accept that now. I can't remember what the other stuff was she was fighting about, but if you don't want to go through that again, go No Contact.

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One foot in, one foot out. You do the hokey pokey, and that's what it's all about.

 

Cut this girl loose. As in, break away completely. This isn't helping you get anywhere. Take a SM break from her, a text break, a calling break.

 

She only reaches out with these little texts and SM "pokes" because you allow it.

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I think if she wants to date you she would have been clear, since your intent seems obvious. It sounds a bit like attention grabbing and like the previous poster pointed out wanting what she can’t have. Exhausting.

If you feel like you want to keep the door open, let her know she can contact you once she has figured out what she wants, and if you’re still available then you can get together. Before then, for your sake, cut the contact for now. Her behavior sounds completely confusing.

 

Yup.

 

And I kind of feel like I was pretty clear on that when I ended it. I was warm: timing is timing, figure out what you need to figure out, let me know what’s what and we’ll see.

 

So I don’t feel like reiterating that again, just because here she was kind of earnest instead of cutesy. As mentioned, I have a three week trip on the horizon, and kind of have my hands full at the moment. Wish it wasn’t the case, but just coming up with a response exhausts me.

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I’ve always liked your advice and writing blue... And it seems like you are answering your own questions as you figure it out.

 

From what you describe she seems sweet and fun and also super insecure and a slave to her emotions. This behaviour was her showing you who she really is. It’s up to you as to whether you choose to accept that and want that in your life.

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I’ve always liked your advice and writing blue... And it seems like you are answering your own questions as you figure it out.

 

From what you describe she seems sweet and fun and also super insecure and a slave to her emotions. This behaviour was her showing you who she really is. It’s up to you as to whether you choose to accept that and want that in your life.

 

Thanks, maew—right back at you on both fronts.

 

I want something like it, I think, but there's a line. I don't know. I get the impression from your posts that you're self-contained in a way I can relate to, but also hungry for something outside the self that that self-containment can feel like, I don't know, a hindrance to? There s a few screws I need to tighten, but maybe one or two I wouldn't mind loosening.

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Hi bluecastle. I had a similar short term fling with someone last year. She seems very similar to your girl. Very confused (and confusing), very hot and cold. Dumped me but came back months later, thanking me, getting close. Getting closer. When I reciprocated, she ran away again. Very insecure about her life, unsure about everything. These kind of people are just bad news, man.

 

I've recently started dating someone else. It's a much more centered woman, secure and confident. Boy, what a difference! I don't get the constant attention I used to get in the first few months with the one I described above. All the initial love bombing, all the intensity. But I truly don't mind. When we meet, she's sweet and present. We text ocasionally but live our own lives. She's not using me as a crutch for anything, she doesn't need one. She knows what she wants in life and is happy to slowly see where things take us. The other was always rushing, either in or out. Always either too hot or too cold.

 

You're clearly leaving the door open and she will walk in at her will, when she wants/needs. She will walk out as quickly when she doesn't need your validation and attention. I don't think you were clear to her that you wanted no contact except for when she figures herself out. I'd suggest you just tell her that her behaviour has been very confusing and you just wish her well but don't want to keep it like this. She's just using you for attention. If this had any chance for a reconciliation (at least for now), she would have let you know. Also, I sense she's start to act a bit manipulative towards you and it will get worse with time and make it harder for you to leave the situation. The whole "I don't want to be with anyone else" and "thank you for making me a better person" without any intention to rekindle just reeks manipulation.

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Real talk, Morello—appreciated.

 

I don't know why I don't clearly say that—probably my own validation-seeking side. But the door will just close. If she needs those constant hits, I'm not the guy. Mayne in an earlier form. I'm already drifting away. Probably don't need to say a word.

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If she needs those constant hits, I'm not the guy.

 

Mayne in an earlier form. I'm already drifting away. Probably don't need to say a word.

 

Bolded - walk the walk, not just talk the talk. The latter of which is what you've been doing at least from my perspective.

 

Morello's post was spot on!

 

This girl is a "commitment phobe" -- classic case.

 

And I suspect you are too, otherwise none of this would be even remotely appealing to you, in heart, mind, spirit or actions, and this thread wouldnt even exist.

 

In this relationship she the active runner but would venture to guess that in other relationships you've had you were.

 

Even in the beginning of this one, you were imo. All the things you did to maintain emotional distance, the other women (your ex's) among other things which to your credit you have owned.

 

Commitmentphobe relationships are intriguing and compelling for sure, but totally toxic!

 

There is either too much distance or not enough, one person wanting more, the other less, and it can switch back and forth throughout the relationship. It's a total mind f***.

 

Just some things to consider, based on my own experience being both the active and passive runner myself in a few of my relationships.

 

GL

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Real talk, Morello—appreciated.

 

I don't know why I don't clearly say that—probably my own validation-seeking side. But the door will just close. If she needs those constant hits, I'm not the guy. Mayne in an earlier form. I'm already drifting away. Probably don't need to say a word.

 

I know, it's a hard thing to do.

 

But I'll tell you what. You already told her you want to be with her and she apparently declined. She will respect you a lot more if you tell her something in the line of "we want different things so it's best that we just go our own ways for now" or similar. But imply NC, don't leave her guessing. Be clear what you want. By walking away with your head high, you'll save yourself from losing your self-respect and self-worth.

 

I found that in many cases, break ups are much harder to get through because of those things. The one who got dumped allows the dumper to string them along and play with them and it just keeps damaging the dumpee's morale and self-esteem to a point that is very hard to recover from. Don't go that way, man.

 

You don't need to decide right now whether you want her in the future or if you want to fully move on. Either way, going NC now will help your chances big time.

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K, I hear you. It's the intrigue of the toxic. Mentally compelling on a slow day, emotionally thin. And, yes, our dynamic has been that of two runners, trading roles. First me, then her, now (post RL) me. When I thought it was a dance toward something real, it was compelling, but as the only dance it's boring.

 

M, great advice. Think I'll send something like that. I've been in this role once before, where I'm the dumper but feeling like the dumpee. Though I do believe I've made it clear that I'm into romantic exploration, and have to assume that landed somewhere past the confusion and insecurities. Time to make it clear I'm not into this purgatory.

 

Thanks guys.

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To piggyback off of what Morello just said not only are you making it harder and more confusing for yourself let’s say by chance she is having a hard time with this breakup, doesn’t mean she’s going to be a different person, and I think or super hope although, I’m not going to lie, sometimes I think you’ve got some pretty unhealthy dating habits but let’s say you know deep down she’s not going to change and therefore not for you, why give her breadcrumbs? It’s selfish and self serving at its core is it not?

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Thanks, figureitout. You’re right.

 

I have, I think, some healthy habits, some unhealthy. I’ve tended to swing from healthy relationships into unhealthy ones.

 

This felt, for a moment, like a swing in the right direction. And it was, briefly, as were some shorter romances preceding it. I’d like to think that 3 good months + 3 weird weeks + a brief breadcrumby purgatory = a decent run that ends on the side of healthy momentum, with a dash of inevitable human frailty.

 

The deep down feeling you’re describing? I don’t have it. I had it with my last ex, and cut that surgically clean, never letting my own attention-seeking side beat out logic.

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Thanks, maew—right back at you on both fronts.

 

I want something like it, I think, but there's a line. I don't know. I get the impression from your posts that you're self-contained in a way I can relate to, but also hungry for something outside the self that that self-containment can feel like, I don't know, a hindrance to? There s a few screws I need to tighten, but maybe one or two I wouldn't mind loosening.

 

Nice insight! :) I am self contained to a degree... some of it is out of necessity because I have a fiery personality and have to be professional, some of it is from my restrictive upbringing, some of it has to do with being a very sensitive human and the desire to protect myself from being hurt. My true self is a free spirit that craves the freedom of throwing off the chains of convention and throwing caution to the winds.

 

I have found embracing my free spirit is most challenging when it comes to relationships... how do I protect myself from being hurt while still opening myself up to the experience of loving and being loved is a question I often seek answers to.

 

At the end of the day, maybe you like this girl because she has something you want... to just let go and let your emotions take over... to not hold anything back... to say whatever you are thinking or feeling no matter how crazy it sounds. I see people like that in my day to day and think on the one hand .... "oh, that person is cray!" and on the other hand, there is a secret wish that I could freely express myself that way without consequences.

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You are creating this feeling of things unfinished because you are allowing this contact to carry on instead of firmly and politely ending it completely. You dumped her for all the right reasons, yet you are leaving the door open and that last part is toxic game playing, setting yourself up for on again off again nonsense. You already determined correctly that she is not right for you. That's it then. You move on for real and trust yourself and your judgment.

 

If you really think about it, leaving that door open like that is really your own fear of being alone. Leaving yourself a safety net in case you don't meet someone else. Trust that you will, be brave, move on and close that door.

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Nice insight! :) I am self contained to a degree... some of it is out of necessity because I have a fiery personality and have to be professional, some of it is from my restrictive upbringing, some of it has to do with being a very sensitive human and the desire to protect myself from being hurt. My true self is a free spirit that craves the freedom of throwing off the chains of convention and throwing caution to the winds.

 

I have found embracing my free spirit is most challenging when it comes to relationships... how do I protect myself from being hurt while still opening myself up to the experience of loving and being loved is a question I often seek answers to.

 

At the end of the day, maybe you like this girl because she has something you want... to just let go and let your emotions take over... to not hold anything back... to say whatever you are thinking or feeling no matter how crazy it sounds. I see people like that in my day to day and think on the one hand .... "oh, that person is cray!" and on the other hand, there is a secret wish that I could freely express myself that way without consequences.

 

And it's posts like this that really make me love this site—thank you.

 

I'm holding back on a long riff about free spirts—about the place where freedom and a need for control can be at odds, or perhaps identical—so I'll just say: yes, feel you, and you're probably right about something I see in her. For all the freedom with which I live, I'm also very much someone taking notes on the sidelines, weighing options, hedging against risk, analyzing potential consequences.

 

In love, in romance, I'd like to figure out a way to be free to be a mess, off the bat, to let go of a need for precision.

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@reinvent: No, not when you put it like that. I don't know if it's wisdom, but something inside me seems to make pretty sound choices, even if my head, heart, and body need to go through some somersaults. If something were to happen to shift that internal compass, even something ultimately illusory—sure, I'd maybe swim back out for another set, knowing I might get rocked around a bit. That doesn't scare me. I'm rational, but I don't mind erring on the side romance.

 

@DancingFool: I largely agree, though I'm not sure how much fear of being alone is at play here, or fear of not meeting someone else. Dating isn't particularly fraught for me—it's largely fun and chill and easy—and romantic connection, on some shade or another, isn't elusive. No part of my brain is going: without her I'm a hermit in a cave. But there's some longing, and even if it's longing for something that doesn't have the legs to serve, I think it's okay to acknowledge the longing without being a prisoner to it.

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I guess I'm asking for thoughts, advice. My gut says just be grateful back in a sentence, keep letting it all breathe, keep moving forward. My other gut says I present as awfully stoic, was maybe a bit hasty in ending things, maybe trying to get to the high ground faster because my skills at navigating the middle ground are lacking.

 

I was wondering about this part. What do you mean about the middle ground? Is it the meaty substance...the depth of relating with others? Have a feeling I might be misinterpreting...

 

I don't know you...or your history...your dynamic with yourself and others; although, reading through the thread it's difficult not to nod along with the others about this...that its run its course and ultimately there are just a few loose threads keeping the two of you tangled together in a pokey little dance.

 

At the same time, it seems beneficial to examine what your ''other gut'' was suggesting. Perhaps that is best done when you've put this relationship to bed and moved on entirely though.

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So, a few weeks ago, listening to both my spirit and you wise people, I ended the relationship I was in. 4 months total.

 

Yes you ended it, but she really didn't leave you much choice, did she? By announcing, after previously agreeing to exclusivity, that she's not sure about or ready for the whole "boyfriend/girlfriend" thing? After FOUR months?

 

Since you were ready for it, then of course you had no choice but to end it, lest you compromise your own values as a human being and as a man.

 

I don't think you should be second-guessing yourself about that now, by ending it you stayed true to yourself, and if we don't have our own truth, we have nothing.

 

 

I guess I'm asking for thoughts, advice. My gut says just be grateful back in a sentence, keep letting it all breathe, keep moving forward. My other gut says I present as awfully stoic, was maybe a bit hasty in ending things, maybe trying to get to the high ground faster because my skills at navigating the middle ground are lacking.

 

 

These thoughts are not coming from a place of strength and confidence in knowing who you are as a man and staying true to what's important to you and your values.

 

They're coming from a place of "longing" and missing her.

 

I believe this is why couples get back together, when in this longing stage. Longing is a very powerful emotion, hard to ignore and not act upon.

 

But it's a mistake because once back, the same issues will be there, and this is assuming she even wants to get back together.

 

After four months and agreeing to exclusivity, she realized and told you she's not ready for the boyfriend/girlfriend thing, you are.

 

DON'T compromise yourself and your values bc, not only will you lose her respect, but you risk losing respect for yourself as well.

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Agree with all except a couple.

 

I genuinely wonder what the answers would be if the title of this wasn’t: lingering in orbit, emotional residue but rather: ex girlfriend keeps messaging me, can’t find the strength to cut contact.

 

At the end of the day blue, you’re taking the dark long windy road when the road full of sunshine and singing birds is fully ready for you.

 

You don’t seem to be ready for it.

 

Which, if that’s where you are in life that’s where you are, there’s nothing wrong with it, just maybe accept that you’re wanting to take the dramafilled road because that’s where you are in life. Somethings attracting you to it. Jump in or don’t. Always remember though, it’s a conscious choice. If I stab my eye, see how painful it is and get sympathy from my friends, I don’t get to wax poetic about the pain in my eye after I do it again. I know what it is, I know what I’m doing,I made a choice.

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