My boyfriends obsession.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 4 years now. We started out young I’m 17 his 20 we got together when I was 13 he was 15 turning 16. We’ve had ups and downs since like very relationship until about 5-6 months ago.

It was May- June time & out of the blue told me he was going fishing. I thought this was odd and out of the ordinary as he had never shown ANY interest to fishing and had never been spoke about. I was kinda like ok...... and didn’t really know to say. He went and enjoyed it and started going quite often. I decided I wanted to see what the fuss was about and went with him and didn’t find it to bad myself.

Weeks and weeks went on and he started going more and more, sometimes I’d tag along.

The months went on and it started getting colder and he said to me his going to start night fishing. I thought it was stupid and was annoyed because it was taking up every weekend. Even when I’d see him threw the week he’d make me go fishing with him and by then I’d had enough. Spending more and more money he kitted himself right out with all the fishing gear for day and night fishing. It’s becoming a complete joke all he ever wants to do is go fishing. He goes night fishing twice threw the week maybe once. (It’s Novemeber!!!) But he now wants to go Friday. Friday is the only day of the week I stay with him so I wouldn’t be able to do that anymore. It really upsets I just feel replaced. We argue about it so much and always fall out but he just doesn’t listen to me. I don’t know what to do anymore I don’t want to be left alone bored by myself on Friday nights as all my friends have plans or boyfriends they see themselves. He even makes plans with me and then last minute blows me out to go fishing. Even after telling me he won’t go night fishing anymore.

I feel so silly arguing with him over fishing but it upsets me I don’t feel happy. All I wish for is for him to forget the day he ever went!

I want my old boyfriend back!

Help!!!

Oh and can I add that he is my first and only love. I haven’t ever had a serious relationship before I was 13 when we got together. I don’t just want to move on and let go because I know that will be an easy response. I honestly know that if he could he’d marry me tomorrow because it’s all he says and he spends fortunes on me and we are so happy when we get along he really feels right for me and I really do love him all the world and I know he does too but it’s jusy recently he is obsessed and I feel really replaced and sad. It’s cold and miserable outside and going twice a week EVERY week isn’t good enough for him! I have even told him when summer comes and the weather is better I will go with him sometimes because I don’t mind but I give him an inch and he takes a mile!

He has a new interest. He is growing as a person as far as having hobbies. you have gone with him so he's not excluding you. What if he was going to the gym 2-3 times a week instead of fishing? Would you complain then? Becdause it would be the same thing. What about taking a cooking class together about cooking fish? Or why not go ice fishing once? Make some hot cocoa, etc, and bring your ice skates

Well, it seems like he may be bored with the relationship and fishing has replaced you as the most important thing in his life. Also, you've reach a point that many people write in about. People who've been in a teenage relationship hit 19, 20 or 21, and their interests change. A lot of times, they get attracted by other girls. In his case, it's fishing -- or it's an excuse not to be with you.

I think you may have run out of road with him. You might want to expand your horizons and make new male friends. Or you can wait and see if he outgrows fishing, especially when the winter comes. By the way, arguing with him does no good, so you might as well stop it and accept it. Let him drift away if that's what he wants to do. You don't have to sit home on a Friday night.

Well, it seems like he may be bored with the relationship and fishing has replaced you as the most important thing in his life. Also, you've reach a point that many people write in about. People who've been in a teenage relationship hit 19, 20 or 21, and their interests change. A lot of times, they get attracted by other girls. In his case, it's fishing -- or it's an excuse not to be with you.

 

I think you may have run out of road with him. You might want to expand your horizons and make new male friends. Or you can wait and see if he outgrows fishing, especially when the winter comes. By the way, arguing with him does no good, so you might as well stop it and accept it. Let him drift away if that's what he wants to do. You don't have to sit home on a Friday night.

I disagree. My uncle runs half marathons and trains several times a week. It doesn't mean he is bored with my aunt. On the contrary, they are very close. During that time, she does HER thing. And sometimes they travel together - to a city that is having a race. She cheers him on or he might run with his buddies and she goes and explores the area because she likes birding and antiquing. So either be an encourager or find a hobby of your own. Twice a week to do an activity whether its a class, a sport or a hobby is NOT excessive. Its called personal development

Yes it is personal development and you, OP, need to do that for yourself. Being so upset with him isnt going to get you anywhere. At your ages this is where you grow and change and become adults. He's got a new hobby, and it's a reasonable/sensible one for a person to have. He could be doing any number of other good and decent things, or he could be into drugs, selling drugs, robbing banks etc. But he's not, he's got a normal hobby. You need to expand your horizons, there's no need to sit home on a Fri. nite and claim to be bored, that's on you, not him. Get yourself out with friends, take a class, join a group. Life is what you make it.

"He even makes plans with me and then last minute blows me out to go fishing." It is a problem for him to regularly make plans with you and cancel them when it's not an emergency. On the other hand, how many hours/days a week do you normally spend together (before the fishing hobby started)? Does he perhaps think it's too much and he's trying to get space from you?

In any relationship, there should be a healthy balance of time alone, time on a career/education, time with friends/family (some of it without the partner, and some with), time with hobbies/interests, and couple time. Problems can arise if one person doesn't have a life outside of the partner, or if a partner is top heavy in any area like being a workaholic or spending too much time on a hobby.

If you're not happy, think about if you're being reasonable or not. Are you the problem, or is he, and can you both make concessions that will result in satisfaction for both? Perhaps if you answer the question about how many hours you've spent together per week before and after the start of the hobby, we can have helpful info to see if your dissatisfaction is reasonable or not. Because he doesn't seem to care that you're upset, and so either he's outgrowing a starter relationship and you're clingy, or you're right that he's not putting in enough time and effort, and again, he doesn't care, so you have to decide if you will settle for being ignored. 3 years is a blink of the eye in a lifetime, and most of us have first loves who don't end up being a lifetime partner.

I think this is a combination of factors.

1) He has found a new hobby and has picked it up with gusto. It's not unusual for people to find a new passion and go into it full-force with enthusiasm. He is very young, so he's still learning about himself. It's a healthy thing to explore. What are your hobbies, OP?

However,

2) You mentioned he's started canceling plans with you at the last minute. It could be that he is also outgrowing this relationship and his new hobby just happens to be the more interesting option for him now. I realize that hurts to hear, but if he is canceling on you consistently, I would be concerned. How often do you see each other otherwise?

I disagree. My uncle runs half marathons and trains several times a week. It doesn't mean he is bored with my aunt. On the contrary, they are very close. During that time, she does HER thing. And sometimes they travel together - to a city that is having a race. She cheers him on or he might run with his buddies and she goes and explores the area because she likes birding and antiquing. So either be an encourager or find a hobby of your own. Twice a week to do an activity whether its a class, a sport or a hobby is NOT excessive. Its called personal development

This is a completely different situation. He breaks dates with OP to go fishing. He dumps her on date night to go fishing. He's turning down a chance to have nookie. It's not like they live together like your aunt and uncle and see each other all day, every day. OP's boyfriend is replacing his girlfriend for fishing.

I used to see him 4 days a week Thursday Friday Saturday & Sunday. Which most of the time I still do due to fishing unless he cancels on me. It sounds silly but I can’t agree that his outgrowning the relationship. His mum and dad got together when they were 14-16 and have been together and married ever since. September we had a first holiday together which was amazing. He always says to me he’d marry me tomorrow but I’m just to young. I know he loves me are relationship is amazing when there is nothing stopping it. He really doesn’t see any wrong with going fishing and if he done it when he didn’t see me I don’t care but I get upset we he goes fishing rather than seeing me. I even tried not seeing him as much seeing if he would miss me. But HE actually rings me saying he wants to see me so I’m stuck in the mud.... Is there anything I can do to make him want me more than fishing?

You are being overly needy with him because he has a new hobby that he is taking a lot of time. You feel that he is pushing you out and taking away your precious time together. However, you two have been together 4 years and should have long ago established interests outside of the relationship instead of being tied together every Thursday to Sunday.

If this relationship is to last, you need to be more able to let him have his thing and you too should be having your thing. It's not that he is bored with you, but wants to explore other aspects of himself. Unfortunately, it is your needy behaviour that may drive a wedge in it. If you gewt in the way of his happiness, you may well lose him, so getting all wound up about his hobby is not the healthiest. However, his making plans and blowing them off is another issue and should be addressed.

Also, don't base your relatiionship's health on the fact that someone else's relationship lasted. Just because his parents were together young and are still together, doesn't mean you two will be. I'm not saying you won't, but expecting something because someone else experienced it is not the best way to base a future on.

Do you work or go to school? What are your plans for a career/job someday? Why aren't you studying or working part time to make some spending money? What do your parents think about you spending too much time with him? It's fine to have a nice bf and date, but he's not your babysitter who needs to keep you entertained because you are "bored".

He can only "miss you" if you stop smothering him, arguing, telling him he can't have hobbies etc. Also he can spend money on whatever he wants. The more controlling, clingy, smothering and childish you act the more he will avoid you.

I used to see him 4 days a week Thursday Friday Saturday & Sunday. Which most of the time I still do due to fishing unless he cancels on me.

Do you work or go to school? What are your plans for a career/job someday? Why aren't you studying or working part time to make some spending money? What do your parents think about you spending too much time with him? It's fine to have a nice bf and date, but he's not your babysitter who needs to keep you entertained because you are "bored".

 

He can only "miss you" if you stop smothering him, arguing, telling him he can't have hobbies etc. Also he can spend money on whatever he wants. The more controlling, clingy, smothering and childish you act the more he will avoid you.

Yes I do work thank you. I’ve started my own mobile business so my work isn’t a certain time it’s whenever. I’m not the only “clingy” one in the relationship I’ve only told you my half of the story. I wouldn’t call it smothering him, I love him and want to spend time with him just as everyone should do in a relationship. I never said he can’t spend money on fishing. That’s completely up to him he has the money so he can do it.

He also isn’t avoiding me. I don’t meet him Wednesdays and he rang me saying, let’s meet up and I said no I’m meeting my friends and he gets upset and annoyed with me when I don’t meet him when he wants me to and visa versa. I visit my mum in Enfield Monday’s and he is getting a new car and said he would drive up there (1 hour away) just to show me the car and then go back home again. I said that’s so silly wait till I see you and he was annoyed and put the phone down.... When I turn him down it’s not ok but he thinks it’s fine to do it to me?

Who do you live with?

I visit my mum in Enfield Monday’s and he is getting a new car and said he would drive up there

Both mum and Dad I’m back wards and forwards threw the week.

Your parents are divorced and split custody? Why can't they drive you back and forth? Do you have siblings? Do you get along with your parents? Have either of them remarried? Are you dealing with step parents at home?

Where do you spend most of your time? Your mothers home? Your father's home? Your bf's parents home?

Both mum and Dad I’m back wards and forwards threw the week.

I drive myself. I see my mum a few days a week and my dad so it’s equal I go out a lot, shopping.... Working.... not home a lot most evenings I’m with friends or boyfriend. Don’t spend that much time at his. Maybe once or twice a week?

I don’t see the relevance in this.....

I have 2 sisters one older one younger and an older brother. I see them a lot too.

Both in relationships. Younger sister is 3

I’m fine with my parents.

I drive myself. I see my mum a few days a week and my dad so it’s equal I go out a lot, shopping.... Working.... not home a lot most evenings I’m with friends or boyfriend. Don’t spend that much time at his. Maybe once or twice a week?

I don’t see the relevance in this.....

I have 2 sisters one older one younger and an older brother. I see them a lot too.

Both in relationships. Younger sister is 3

I’m fine with my parents.

The relevance is to see if you have a life outside of your boyfriend. Besides friends and work, your boyfriend seems to be the one who you spend most of your time with. You don't mention any hobbies or volunteer work. How long does he usually spend fishing, time wise? For all day in both days of the weekend AND two days a week (for how long)? How long, in terms of days/nights and hours, do you spend time with him? Trying to get a better picture here.

What would I do in your shoes? I'd try to gauge if he's still truly interested in me, and not just staying with me out of routine or being too cowardly to break up. To do that, I wouldn't engage in the normal pattern of the four days you normally go to his place. I'd sit back and let him take the lead in asking you to get together. And don't text or call him first. Let him make the first effort, and only respond to him that time, and no more.

I know throughout my teen years, the average for me was getting together no more than twice a week with a bf. We were too busy with schoolwork, spending time with friends, work, etc. for more than that. Perhaps going forward, you should actually lessen the four days to two and spend that extra time to research plans for attending college or whatever training or advanced coursework you'll be needing for a future career. Or think of a hobby that would be fun for when your bf and friends are busy.

If your bf ask to hang out at his place or go fishing, tell him you're bored of that and suggest a new activity. I know when I date a guy for 2 years when we were teens, I got bored and felt like we were an old married couple because our pattern was always the same. Instead of the weekly drive-in movie, we went to the theatre to see a musical, went to the ice skating rink, went to an amusement park, etc. Some things don't have to cost much either, like a picnic in a park, followed by a hike.

And it's not okay if he sulks about you spending time with others when you two spend plenty of time together. Communicate that this is not okay. Shake this thing up by behaving differently yourself. If he doesn't put in the effort to see you a few times a week and lets the relationship fade, theirs your answer. If he steps up and no longer cancels dates and makes you a priority, then that's a good sign. Take care and let us know how it goes.

I used to see him 4 days a week Thursday Friday Saturday & Sunday. Which most of the time I still do due to fishing unless he cancels on me. It sounds silly but I can’t agree that his outgrowning the relationship. His mum and dad got together when they were 14-16 and have been together and married ever since. September we had a first holiday together which was amazing. He always says to me he’d marry me tomorrow but I’m just to young. I know he loves me are relationship is amazing when there is nothing stopping it. He really doesn’t see any wrong with going fishing and if he done it when he didn’t see me I don’t care but I get upset we he goes fishing rather than seeing me. I even tried not seeing him as much seeing if he would miss me. But HE actually rings me saying he wants to see me so I’m stuck in the mud.... Is there anything I can do to make him want me more than fishing?

Okay -- its one thing if you have tickets to the theater and he is a no show at the last minute. ie, real plans.

Its another thing to have "standing plans" "He ALWAYS used to spend time with me thursday through sunday and now he doesn't"

The antidote is to make real plans. Don't make plans just to prevent him from fishing. Say "hey, there is this new restaurant i would like to try - let me know when is good for you" or decide you want to go to a ballgame together. if he is "breaking plans" to sit around the house all weekend with you and going fishing instead.

Also, if you are an adult acting like your parents still have split custody of you and you ONLY will see him on the weekends, be flexible. you don't need to sleep 3 nights at dad's house and three nights at moms anymore. get your own place with a friend or make one where you primarily crash. In other words, see him during the week sometimes. If fishing is mainly a weekend thing -- what's the big deal to go out to dinner on a tuesday??

I used to see him 4 days a week Thursday Friday Saturday & Sunday.

Seeing that Friday, Saturday and Sunday for most people is their only free time during a work week and with you two being together, it monopolizes the entire time. It would be hard to have any hobby from what you describe, if he committed to you on those particular days.

I don't know your schedules but I'll assume that night fishing the night before he has to go to work isn't doable. So yes, he's choosing to enrich his world by having a hobby that takes up what you view as - your time.

You can fight him about it and force his hand if you choose, but I am afraid you'll lose altogether. I'd personally try to adjust your days and see him on different one, by my guess is you will argue against it.

Your best bet is to encourage his hobbies and try to find a different way of looking at it.

If you want to take it personally, then I don't know what else to tell you.

My bf plays softball on Saturdays. I can't lie, it's not my favorite thing on a Saturday morning to get out of bed just to say good bye to him. Especially after having worked all week. But it makes him really happy and I totally support it. I don't take it personally and I don't feel cheated. Wanting him to give it up for me would seem selfish. So we make more time for each other on different days.

It's just what couples do. Compromise.