No fireworks BUT....

I couldn't find where this topic had been posted recently so I am starting a new one. For those that haven't been following along, I have been mostly single for the last 3 years following a volatile and sometimes abusive long term relationship. I have been dating (you can read my other posts about these) but most of them were one (or two) and done... there was one that lasted a few months, and another I would get together with periodically for some fun, but no one I have been wanting to move forward with.

I went on a date Sunday with a guy... let's call him "the Italian" (he was born in Italy). It was a nice date... he was attentive, asked me many questions about myself and was very interested in the answers. We stayed chatting for a couple of hours, had quite a lot to talk about... I felt comfortable with him, and he with me, and I am intrigued to learn more about him.

We met on OLD... and despite him not being my usual type, there was a nudge from my spirit guide that told me I needed to meet this guy.

When we met in person... there wasn't the fireworks I was hoping for. He is an attractive person, fit, and takes care of himself physically and emotionally. Seems to have his life together and we like a lot of the same things. Just no fireworks.

It's not the first time I have met someone that I didn't feel fireworks or a spark for. Many lovely people I have met over the last few years I have gently set to the side because I didn't feel that spark. And I know they could tell and it's probably why they faded away themselves.

I am starting to wonder if my problem is either that I am looking for something that doesn't exist, or that I am so afraid of getting hurt that I won't let myself get in a relationship with anyone.

What are your thoughts on chemistry? I have always thought (and posted here a few times) that no chemistry is a deal breaker... however I have been interpreting chemistry as fireworks going off the minute I look someone in the eyes. What does it mean to you to have chemistry with someone? Fireworks or something smaller that grows? Have you started out dating someone you weren't sure of and suddenly realized they were what you wanted? Not that I am even looking for that with this guy since I barely know him but I think I have built up some myths in my head that I need some objective help with.

While i do agree that no chemistry is a deal breaker, i am not entirely sure that you can assess chemistry from a first date. There have been dates where I knew i was completely unattracted to the guy, and knew there would be no chemistry. But in the case of my current relationship, I never gave him a chance until one night he kissed me, and bam! Sparks flew. There have been other instances where the more I have gotten to know the person, the more attracted I became. I would be hesitant to cut someone off after a first date where I enjoyed myself, and found the guy attractive. Perhaps you need to give this one some more time... hope it works out :)

When in doubt go on a second date. See if things get past nervousness. Don't strive for romance movies, but don't date if there is no attraction.

He seems like a nice guy, right? Give him another chance. After 2-3 dates if you feel nithing, then move on. Good luck!

Hi maew, when I feel that “chemistry” with a man, it means I am super tuned in to him, intrigued by what he’s telling me, I tend to subconsciously mirror his body movements; and there is just a certain tension in the air combined with excitement, that he’s usually feeling too.

It’s like a mutual energy that goes above and beyond looks or anything superficial.

I’ve had great conversations and dates with guy, but if that chemistry wasn’t there, it meant nothing was happening, and there was no second date.

Just me though, I know the “rule” is give it a second or third date, but whenever I did, there still wasn’t anything happening.

Also, contrary to what some believe about being nervous, when I feel no nervousness, it means nothing is happening.

It's when I do feel a bit nervous that's something's happening!

Yeah, give the guy another chance. I didn't feel any "chemistry" when I first met my wife, but she grew on me while we worked together. She had a crush on me, and I thought she was a nice girl, and people were telling me to take her out, so I did and things grew from there. I think it worked out better than if we had been hot and heavy for three months and then it wore out. A good relationship will continue to grow with time.

Hi maew, when I feel that “chemistry” with a man, it means I am super tuned in to him, intrigued by what he’s telling me, I tend to subconsciously mirror his body movements; and there is just a certain tension in the air combined with excitement, that he’s usually feeling too.

 

It’s like a mutual energy that goes above and beyond looks or anything superficial.

 

I’ve had great conversations and dates with guy, but if that chemistry wasn’t there, it meant nothing was happening, and there was no second date.

 

Just me though, I know the “rule” is give it a second or third date, but whenever I did, there still wasn’t anything happening.

 

Also, contrary to what some believe about being nervous, when I feel no nervousness, it means nothing is happening.

 

It's when I do feel a bit nervous that's something's happening!

Well thus far, the chemistry I have had has been with guys that are unavailable, or that don't treat me very well, which tells me that my picker is probably broken.

I've never taken it past the first date with someone I didn't have fireworks with... but in this case, something keeps nudging me to do it.

Well thus far, the chemistry I have had has been with guys that are unavailable, or that don't treat me very well, which tells me that my picker is probably broken.

That could be true maew cause feeling great chemistry with a man and him being unavailable or not treating you well are definitely not mutually exclusive!

I have a friend that got out of an abusive marriage and two years afterwards this guy kept pursuing her. She had no fireworks or spark so she kept rejecting him.

She finally gave him a chance for a first date but was still untrustworthy of men. Because of all the horrible things she endured with her ex.

Well he grew on her over time. Two years later and he is the love of her life! An outstanding guy and treats her like a Queen. They are just recently engaged to be married.

I think yeah you do need to connect to some degree but sparks are overrated. I’ve had sparks and the guys were no good for me. I now look for the connection even if it’s subtle.

I would give him 3 or 4 more dates. Some guys take some time to warm up and be themselves. Generally speaking I usually have a 2-3 minimum dates with a person if there is no obvious red flags on the first date because lets face it, online dating especially, it can be a bit awkward. If there is no seemingly red flags then hang out a few more times and see where it goes.

I would give it four dates and if by then you don’t have a desire to kiss him or enjoy kissing him I’d then move on.

For me, it's a more subtle process than an instant spark, at least if the relationship's going to last. With my current partner, I'd met him socially a few times over the years, thought he was nice - and nothing more to it. When I met him properly - a walking group, not a date at all, just chatting about all sorts of things - I found myself thinking "Hmm... don't mind if I do..." after a couple of hours. He isn't my typical physical type at all. Irrelevant.

The rest, as they say, is history. I think partly it was because I was receptive to dating again after a long healing process, and in the same situation two years earlier I doubt if I'd have felt available.

On the other hand, I've met people with whom the mutual attraction was very quick - only to fade veryveryvery rapidly on my side because I realised they were a-holes.

I can relate to this—the general thorns behind the question.

For me chemistry is major, perhaps (ugh) too major, in that I base a lot off whether that initial spark is there, am very much drawn to "heat," and have gotten myself into some wonderfully fiery places chasing it.

And yet the thing about that initial spark, for some, is that it can be a decoy—not just a decoy, even, but a barrier to cultivating all the layers. You kind of become joint heat-miners quickly, or can, if you're not careful.

My best relationship started off with someone with zero spark. She was in a relationship, I was super single, kind of half-dating a friend of hers and half-dating another person in our circle. All above-board, that. We all hung plenty, and odd as it sounds (looking back) I never really noticed her in that way. Not that I would have made a move—she was involved, I was in a few knots—but you still know when you find someone compelling in a sparkly way. Anyhow, one day, after a few months it was like the dormant fireworks went off, with Nagasaki intensity. She got out of the relationship, we got together, and our relationship was super sparkly in all the right ways and also super loving, super deep, since we'd been friends for a bit before romance. We're still friends now.

I share this because I think this is one of the problems with OLD. When we first meet we're in total spark-detector mode: Is it there? Is it not? If it's not, we kind of can't help but divest, as it sounds like you did with The Italian, and part of me wonders (reading what you've written) if the downside of that is that we miss out on the chance to have a kind of slow, friendly evolution where we get to know someone and then, whoa, sparks. Had I met the aforementioned woman on an OLD, I'm not sure I'd have ever seen her again. Meanwhile, post-her, I got into a three year thing (thanks Tinder!) with a very hot spark and a very hollow center.

Take from all that what you will. Maybe a second date is in order, to just feel it out—turn off the spark-detector and turn on the general-curiosity detector. Maybe accept that chemistry is important, but that it doesn't need to be immediate?

I've been on dates where the first date there has been amazing chemistry! Often those intial "fireworks" don't translate into anything of longevity.

I've also been on dates where there was no chemistry what so ever! I made the decision to not persue that any further. As like you guys have said no chemistry is deal breaker.

But there was this one guy... First date no sparks what so ever. In fact I don't think I would have even been comfortable if he kissed me on that first date! Anyway despite not having any instant chemistry we continued to meet as "friends". As although I didn't see anything with him romantically it was a lovely date and we got on so well. Fast forward 2 months later we had our first kiss... We were together for 2 years. We still had "fireworks" towards the end. Just other things external to us prevented us staying together.

So what I'm trying to say. Yes despite an intial spark things can still grow. Like they did for me and my ex.

Honestly go on the second or even third date and guage it. If you don't feel anything at least you know you gave it a chance outside of first date nerves.

Wish you all the best with the "Italian" x

'What does it mean to you to have chemistry with someone? '

I can't speak for every woman on this planet. But for me, chemistry means a fire bolt straight to your nether regions via your heart the second you set eyes on them. Followed by wanting to **** the life out of them, about 15 mins into the conversation with them. This is what chemistry means to me. And I could never, in my entire life, date or be with anyone who didn't make me feel this way.

Dating to find a relationship or just thrills and chills is a choice. When you are ready for a loving relationship, the urge to treat depression, the doldrums and so on with "fireworks" will dissipate. Perhaps therapy could help you explore whether you are dating for neurochemical rushes to alleviate inner problems, or to find a happy stable relationship.

It's doubtful that you "only have chemistry" with abusive/taken men. That is from whatever past experience you haven't processed yet and turning a past situation into a future prophecy and concrete mold for yourself.

Your mind is telling you unlikely stories and playing tricks on you.. For example this last guy didn't do much for you and you have zero knowledge whether he is "unavailable or abusive" or not after a couple hours and one date.

the chemistry I have had has been with guys that are unavailable, or that don't treat me very well. I've never taken it past the first date with someone I didn't have fireworks with... but in this case, something keeps nudging me to do it.

Dating to find a relationship or just thrills and chills is a choice. When you are ready for a loving relationship, the urge to treat depression, the doldrums and so on with "fireworks" will dissipate. Perhaps therapy could help you explore whether you are dating for neurochemical rushes to alleviate inner problems, or to find a happy stable relationship.

 

It's doubtful that you "only have chemistry" with abusive/taken men. That is from whatever past experience you haven't processed yet and turning a past situation into a future prophecy and concrete mold for yourself.

 

Your mind is telling you unlikely stories and playing tricks on you.. For example this last guy didn't do much for you and you have zero knowledge whether he is "unavailable or abusive" or not after a couple hours and one date.

I can relate a bit. I don't think that fireworks right of the bat ensure a long term longing relationship. I've felt amazing chemistry and fireworks with people in which that initial fire rapidly fiddled and things didn't last. I've also had people in which my feelings grew the more time I spend with them.

As to the chemistry with unavailable or toxic guys I can relate to that because I used to be like that and sometimes still have to tell myself that I'm falling for that pattern again and stop myself. I came to realise that at least for me it came to the fact that more than those men being emotionally unavailable or not interested in me, I was the emotionally unavailable one. Because the romaticization (sorry, can't spell that word nor know if it exists lol ) of impossible relationships was keeping me safe from having a real relationship with mutual vulnerability and sincerity. It might seem contradictory because what sense might it make suffering in relationships to avoid suffering? The thing is that sometimes we choose the suffering on of what we can't have or is not healthy for us instead of the effort of what we can get and is healthy for us. We avoid the hurdle of keeping a real relationship and being vulnerable by trying to get something we deep down know is unachievable.

I'm just telling you my experience because reflecting on why I was like this and admitting and realising my own emotional unavailability was a game changer for me and it might help you going through some self reflection too. It's painful but it's worthy. You'll still have the urges to fall into unhealthy patterns but you'll have the tools to check yourself and stop yourself.

Sorry for the little off topic.

Kiss him first before you decide there are no fireworks. True intimacy where you can be vulnerable, honest, and feel loved for being you and wanting to be your best self...you don't feel fireworks. Love grows over time.

The feeling of fireworks and knots in your stomach is a level of anxiety you feel. It's anxiousness that translates as excitement. This does not mean it turns into an amazing, trusting partnership.

The feeling of fireworks and knots in your stomach is a level of anxiety you feel. It's anxiousness that translates as excitement. This does not mean it turns into an amazing, trusting partnership.

Epic! I had never thought of it this way.

Dating to find a relationship or just thrills and chills is a choice. When you are ready for a loving relationship, the urge to treat depression, the doldrums and so on with "fireworks" will dissipate. Perhaps therapy could help you explore whether you are dating for neurochemical rushes to alleviate inner problems, or to find a happy stable relationship.

 

It's doubtful that you "only have chemistry" with abusive/taken men. That is from whatever past experience you haven't processed yet and turning a past situation into a future prophecy and concrete mold for yourself.

Good point... The thrill of the fireworks is very addictive and given my nature it’s no wonder I continue to seek it. I am not obsessed with it nor do I think it’s the answer to happiness... I am mostly just inexperienced with having healthy, loving and reciprocal relationships. These comments are all helping me see things a different way, it’s so awesome!

I am intrigued to learn more about him.

This would be enough for me to date him again. My private idea of chemistry is a similar simpatico to the kind that makes me excited about meeting a new friend with whom I 'click'. It's more of a bond on a human level than instant love. It's a kick starter to learn whether some embers will catch. If it flat lines after that, then that's something I can usually sense early enough to avoid too much of an investment.