Rekindling an old friendship...or not

Hello, everyone. New here and I hope someone can give me some advice. This is the problem.

There is this woman my age (50) that I used to hang out with for about 5 years when I was a teenager. It was always in the summer as we both spent it at our parents' hometown with our families, so, you could say it had been a summer friendship. We did keep in touch during the winters, too, but we didn't meet as often. We lost touch when I turned 20 and started spending my summers elsewhere with other friends, boyfriends, etc.

I met her again this summer when I decided to spend my holidays in that town after almost 30 years. She happened to be there, too, and I found out we still had many things in common. Both single, none of us has kids, we both have cats, we still like different types of men (LOL) and so on. I was thrilled to catch up with her and so was she...or so she said. Also, I found out she lives close to me, about half an hour away.

Once we returned to our normal lives, we continued talking to each other and we met 6 or 7 times in September and October. She introduced me to some of her friends, too.

The thing is that it all came to a halt 3-4 weeks ago. First, she stopped emailing me (we would email back and forth 2-3 times a week), then she stopped calling and then she cancelled a meeting for no serious reason. I've called her a few times and she seemed fine but didn't really 'talk' to me. Last week was the last time we spoke and she said 'oh, I'm busy right now (she was at work), I'll call you tonight to catch up'...but she never did and I haven't heard anything since.

It seems so strange to me because this is a person who was telling me how glad she is I am back in her life just a month ago and I don't know what I did to deserve this treatment.

My best friend says I should wait and if she hasn't contacted me by Christmas, I should call her and ask her if I've done something to offend her (I'm pretty sure I haven't but what else can it be?)

Any ideas? It goes without saying that I want her in my life, I love her personality and we've always had fun together, both when we were younger and this time around....but I don't want to impose my friendship on anyone.

Just pull back a bit. Don't ask "if you offended her". Maybe life got busy or she doesn't need this much contact. Stay FB friends like many high school type friends. Let her reach out. Send Christmas greetings. Keep busy with your own life and work and friends and family.

First, she stopped emailing me (we would email back and forth 2-3 times a week), then she stopped calling and then she cancelled a meeting for no serious reason. I've called her a few times and she seemed fine but didn't really 'talk' to me. Last week was the last time we spoke and she said 'oh, I'm busy right now (she was at work)

I would agree with your friend to call her at Christmas to wish her season's greetings, but I wouldn't ask her if you offended her. Make like nothing happened. You would want to approach the subject carefully, such as asking how she was because you hadn't heard from her in a while. Always be diplomatic, not confrontational.

It might not have anything to do with you. She may just be going through something right now.

I've had this experience - going MIA and I wrack my brain trying to figure out what I could have done and - no, nothing. It's really hurtful (and I am 52 if that is relevant!). I would contact her at Christmas and see what happens without referencing the "offend" part. I'm sorry this happened, I can relate!

Let it go. If she reaches out, then great.

Thank you all for replying. If she doesn't contact me, I'll call her at Christmas and see what happens. Since you all agree, I'm not going to mention anything about her disappearing. I'll keep you posted.

I hope she responds. I’ve been thinking of contacting my friend but feel I’ve reached out more than enough and now it’s her turn.

This sounds like the kind of relationship I have with some of my cousins. We go through cycles of seeing alot of one another, and then 'stuff' takes over in any given one of our lives, and we fall off the radar for a while.

I'd avoid personalizing this. Trust the historic nature of your friendship and your shared enthusiasm for catching back up. Offer invites whenever you want to include her in anything she may enjoy, and just keep plowing forward with your own life. If the two of you are destined for a shared future together, then this will become apparent if you allow for ebbs and flows.

I'm also in the 50+ group so can relate to your situation. Currently I have a boyfriend/relationship but in my early 50's I was single. socialized with and also met/befriended several other single women. It can be tricky stuff navigating old and new female friendships at this age, in my opinion, and it feels more important than ever to stick to my mantra of "don't take anything personally". Very hard to implement but it helps.

A couple other good sayings for this situation and life in general: “If you expect nothing from somebody you are never disappointed.” “Blessed is he (or she) who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.”

In my experience it is difficult to release expectations as we all have feelings, an inner child and egos. I struggle with fears and anxieties about my adult female friendships as I have had some rough experiences in recent years. I have had my feelings hurt and may have disappointed some women who were trying to get a new friendship off the ground, or who were trying to rekindle a friendship. For several reasons, now in my late 50's I am becoming more introverted and I worry about some of the female friends who don't understand. I don't want to be greeted with guilt trips or score-keeping when I contact or see them, and like most adults I don't like being told what to do or how I should be behaving in a friendship. I have experienced this kind of pressure and it is really unpleasant. In my opinion, this is the worst thing a "friend" can do.

A couple of the women I befriended in my early 50's were clingy and had immediate expectations about their "new friend" and the pressure was off-putting. Since I'm a worrier and people pleaser, I tried to keep these women happy but then having a new romantic relationship and an elderly mother who needed my help, it was impossible to keep up with their demands. In retrospect I tried to be kind at all times but with one of these women it wasn't enough, she tersely de-friended me from Facebook. Sigh.

Another woman I met when I was nearing 50 seemed to like having me as a new friend and introduced me to her friends who were welcoming and friendly. It was nice being invited to social gatherings with them but over time it became clear that my new friend was threatened by me, fearing I would "move in" on her other friends. Although I never made separate overtures, one of her friends "Sheila" made overtures to me. My new friend made it clear that her prior friends were "off limits", once even telling me I could never contact "Sheila" separately as Sheila was "not my friend". It was rough. Yet I understand these boundaries because when I introduced two friends who bonded and started socializing separately I felt excluded, yep....it was painful. Nonetheless, the situation with this particular friend became so unpleasant over about 4 years that I distanced completely and have no desire to see or talk to her.

Ugh, I tend to get very wordy when I vent so I apologize but trust me, this is cathartic so thank you for the opportunity to post. :-)

Back to your story, I think it might help to examine if you have expectations regarding this rekindled friendship. You were enjoying the semi-frequent contact but for whatever reason she had to retreat and you're left scratching your head. Most likely this isn't about you, it's about her.

Hopefully there is some kernel of wisdom in my long-winded response that will help you get through this situation. I agree with the others that you should back off, try not to take it personally, and sending her a holiday card or greeting would be a nice light way to stay in contact. Good luck!

I'm also in the 50+ group so can relate to your situation. Currently I have a boyfriend/relationship but in my early 50's I was single. socialized with and also met/befriended several other single women. It can be tricky stuff navigating old and new female friendships at this age, in my opinion, and it feels more important than ever to stick to my mantra of "don't take anything personally". Very hard to implement but it helps.

 

A couple other good sayings for this situation and life in general: “If you expect nothing from somebody you are never disappointed.” “Blessed is he (or she) who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.”

 

In my experience it is difficult to release expectations as we all have feelings, an inner child and egos. I struggle with fears and anxieties about my adult female friendships as I have had some rough experiences in recent years. I have had my feelings hurt and may have disappointed some women who were trying to get a new friendship off the ground, or who were trying to rekindle a friendship. For several reasons, now in my late 50's I am becoming more introverted and I worry about some of the female friends who don't understand. I don't want to be greeted with guilt trips or score-keeping when I contact or see them, and like most adults I don't like being told what to do or how I should be behaving in a friendship. I have experienced this kind of pressure and it is really unpleasant. In my opinion, this is the worst thing a "friend" can do.

 

A couple of the women I befriended in my early 50's were clingy and had immediate expectations about their "new friend" and the pressure was off-putting. Since I'm a worrier and people pleaser, I tried to keep these women happy but then having a new romantic relationship and an elderly mother who needed my help, it was impossible to keep up with their demands. In retrospect I tried to be kind at all times but with one of these women it wasn't enough, she tersely de-friended me from Facebook. Sigh.

 

Another woman I met when I was nearing 50 seemed to like having me as a new friend and introduced me to her friends who were welcoming and friendly. It was nice being invited to social gatherings with them but over time it became clear that my new friend was threatened by me, fearing I would "move in" on her other friends. Although I never made separate overtures, one of her friends "Sheila" made overtures to me. My new friend made it clear that her prior friends were "off limits", once even telling me I could never contact "Sheila" separately as Sheila was "not my friend". It was rough. Yet I understand these boundaries because when I introduced two friends who bonded and started socializing separately I felt excluded, yep....it was painful. Nonetheless, the situation with this particular friend became so unpleasant over about 4 years that I distanced completely and have no desire to see or talk to her.

 

Ugh, I tend to get very wordy when I vent so I apologize but trust me, this is cathartic so thank you for the opportunity to post. :-)

 

Back to your story, I think it might help to examine if you have expectations regarding this rekindled friendship. You were enjoying the semi-frequent contact but for whatever reason she had to retreat and you're left scratching your head. Most likely this isn't about you, it's about her.

 

Hopefully there is some kernel of wisdom in my long-winded response that will help you get through this situation. I agree with the others that you should back off, try not to take it personally, and sending her a holiday card or greeting would be a nice light way to stay in contact. Good luck!

I can relate to so much of what you write, Rapunzel. In fact, I remember responding to your post a few months ago about difficulties with female friendships in our 50's.

I'm 56, and I face much the same as you, right down to one friend introducing you to their group but not wanting you to become "side friends" with others in the group. Heck, some of my closest friends are women I've met through other women. I have one smaller group now where we all met from one central person, but that central person "disowned" two of her original friends, so we now have outings without the central person. So 5th grade.

Eliza50, has your friend responded? As Rapunzel said, try not to take it personally, as we never have any idea what's going on with someone.

Literally last night, I made an actual list of friends I need to call over the holidays and invite to lunches & dinners. Each one of these women has reached out to me this year, and I've had to turn down offers, or I'm embarrassed to say, in some cases, I waited too long to respond. And I realize it's my turn to reach out. So your friend may have just had life get in the way.

I remember you also, LHGirl! I am 57 and think about this stuff a lot lately, which is probably not great for my psyche. Lately I prefer to be alone or go out by myself to a local bar to hear music, talk to strangers or people I know at the bar who have no preconceived notions or judgments about me. These friendly strangers expect nothing, do not keep tabs and are less likely to want to compete, gossip, one-up, guilt trip, etc. I have made a couple of friends this way but these are more loosely defined friendships with less expectations. Unfortunately, my hanging out with myself is not a good policy when it comes to keeping up with old or new female friends.

Funny, I recently did the same kind of friend inventory. For me, I have to be careful to not hold a grudge with two friends I introduced a few years ago who became closer and I felt excluded. I've posted here about them. One of these women is too gossip-y and queen bee-ish for my tastes and the other is in a whole 'nother category so....right there, my anxiety rears it's ugly head and since I fear the repercussions of initiating an outing, I retreat. Then I worry I will be completely left behind socially. Since none of us are perfect I often wonder if I am myself being too judge-y, competitive, sensitive and/or selfish.

I was born an introvert but in order to achieve in life I had to learn to be an extrovert. Now as I approach my "golden years" I am back to my natural self, craving alone time with my creative pursuits, staying home, walks in nature (if a friend wants to join, fine but tough to schedule with everyone's time constraints) books, my boyfriend and his dog. I don't want to compete, I don't want to report on my progress or achievements, I just want to live in peace. I just hope and pray my female friends will understand and not take it personally!

By the way, I don't experience this anxiety with my male friends. Gotta get my "The Four Agreements" book out and re-read it again.

Eliza50, again, good luck and know you are not alone with these situations!

I'm a natural introvert too, so I crave my time alone. Knitting, reading, baking, movies, walks alone. Certain friends just never understand that. They think something is "wrong" with me because I want to go home early from a party.

I've re-assessed my female friendships too, and some of my longest term friends, while not completely gone out of my life, have been put out to orbit by me. I've simply removed them from the "super close" to peripheral. I see them in large groups only. I have several friends who are attached to other groups, so I don't want to completely exclude, so this way, I can hang out with the larger group without creating discomfort.

I should create another thread about this so as not to hijack Eliza50's thread. I have so much more on this subject, but I'd like to hear what has unfolded with Eliza.

Early 50s as I wrote. So I think there's a difference between keeping score and tolerating/accommodating flakiness. I do not love being the person who's always initiating communication but I try not to keep score or harbor resentment if everything else is good. But, if a friend asks me to meet for lunch or coffee and asks me what days would work for me and I respond promptly -- then respond to me, either way. It can take me time to figure out what works and I think it's common courtesy to respond whether it's a yes, no or an alternative. Silence is not ok. I have a newish acquaintance who is trying to keep a book club going. We are neighbors, similar ages, common interests. I suggested lunch. She suggested a day that could work, tentatively. I saw her on halloween two days previous because she very graciously invited me and my son to come by for trick or treat. And she said "I have to go back on line and I'll let you know for sure about Friday. That was 3 weeks ago. No response. I really did consider emailing her again but I wasn't in the mood to go out that day anyway and I felt that yes, it was her turn to respond and tell me whether she could go. And yes she does have a lot going on (elderly parent is ill for example) but how long does it take to contact and say you can or cannot make it?

I've also had the experiences the OP has where there is no actual plan to meet but the other person who has been enthusiastic and in touch all of a sudden goes MIA or does the slow fade out. I love what Rapunzel and LH Girl wrote about not taking it personally, having no expectations and yes those are great goals. Not sure how realistic it is to practice but great goal.

And I also see too much emphasis on needing to be at the same stage of life as a female friend especially with respect to marriage and parenting. I was on both sides, having married and become a mom at 42. I had many friends who were married with children. Some used those statuses to create distance between us even though I was more than happy to travel to them, to accommodate their kids' schedules. And I just saw a post on a Facebook group by a friend of mine - 40ish, 3 young kids, newish to the workforce after freelancing for years. And she complained that no one she worked with was her age with young kids -either single, male/older or with grown kids. I messaged with her about how, yes, other women who don't have kids can "get it" if they are thoughtful, kind, compassionate people -that you don't need to find someone with the exact same life stage in order to be friends. That has helped me a lot in maintaining friendships and making new ones. Openmindedness about age/stage/status, etc.

Thanks LH Girl and Rapunzel for what you contributed.

Thank you all for replying. If she doesn't contact me, I'll call her at Christmas and see what happens. Since you all agree, I'm not going to mention anything about her disappearing. I'll keep you posted.

Don't forget that you guys lost touch for 30 years and everything was ok when you reconnected. It really could just be circumstances.

 

Eliza50, has your friend responded? As Rapunzel said, try not to take it personally, as we never have any idea what's going on with someone.

 

I'm embarrassed to say, in some cases, I waited too long to respond. And I realize it's my turn to reach out. So your friend may have just had life get in the way.

No, I haven't heard anything from her in 10 days. Last time was when she said she'd call to catch up and never did.

Interesting posts, LHGirl, rapunzel, Batya33. I'm glad I've found this site. It helps reading about others who have been in a similar situation.

I do wonder if I've come across as too pushy. I didn't think I had but, thinking about all the times we've met, I realized that I had initiated most of our meetings. I hadn't even noticed at the time because I'm not the type of person who keeps scores and she called and emailed so often that it didn't feel like I was pressuring her in any way. Maybe I'm overthinking this, I don't know.

No, I haven't heard anything from her in 10 days. Last time was when she said she'd call to catch up and never did.

 

Interesting posts, LHGirl, rapunzel, Batya33. I'm glad I've found this site. It helps reading about others who have been in a similar situation.

 

I do wonder if I've come across as too pushy. I didn't think I had but, thinking about all the times we've met, I realized that I had initiated most of our meetings. I hadn't even noticed at the time because I'm not the type of person who keeps scores and she called and emailed so often that it didn't feel like I was pressuring her in any way. Maybe I'm overthinking this, I don't know.

I am like you and would think this way. And I think it's overthinking. You would know if you were being too pushy/clingy. I doubt you were. Maybe she liked the novelty of reconnecting but doesn't have the staying power. I have a friend I reconnected with after 25 years or more. We reconnected in 2008. After a few years of being in regular touch she got very negative, argumentative and flaky. She would be flaky about plans and go MIA for no reason which was really hurtful -she'd resurface without apology after over a month and I actually was worried about her. Then she did a last straw kind of comment and I distanced myself a lot from her. I would text or email but kept it at a certain level of "personal" so I didn't get hurt again. She half-apologized at the time and referenced the comment over a year later and seemed to want to make amends for what she said. These days we text every month or so and she's still flaky. She sent me this post from facebook the other day about adult friendships and how we should contact each other when we're thinking of each other -and keep connected -which is why she contacted me after not for a month or so. That was sweet and we texted some. But I doubt it will ever be the same. No room for the argumentative/negativity crap.

And yes we are in our 50s. She is admittedly jealous that I am married with a child. She is with a long term boyfriend for over 30 years, no kids, probably content with him and very dependent on him (he was a teenager when we were kids and we had a crush on him -we knew him through an activity -I just had a crush, never ever acted on it, I was 12 -she acted on it). Anyway that whole experience was so disheartening. We'd been best friends in elementary school and for quite awhile after reconnecting I felt very close to her. But I just don't trust her enough to be too vulnerable these days.

She finally called me today (a month after our last chat). We talked for a long time (over an hour). I did ask her what's up with her and I said we haven't talked in ages. She said 'today I realised I haven't called you in a while but I'm not good at socialising, you should just call or emai me and I'll get in touch when I can'. I said I was the one who called her last and that since she hadn't called back I thought she must be too busy. She insisted it's how she is and that I shouldn't think she didn't want to talk to me.

After that, the conversation was fine, as usual. She said we should meet some time but let's wait for the weather to get warmer, I said sure and that was that.

I'm not sure what to think but I'm glad we talked.

I think you shouldn't take her MIA personally but she is also telling you that she's not willing to put in the effort to call, respond to calls or make a plan. She will deign to talk to you when she feels like it -so it might be that day or 6 months later or a year later. It depends on your standards - are you ok with that? I would be if it was a casual friend who I couldn't really get together with anyway. Then it might be fun to catch up randomly. But a close friendship requires at least the effort of returning a call with reasonable promptness (or apologizing if there was a reason) and reciprocating about getting together.

I've found in the last 20 years (I am 52) I've found myself prioritizing reliability and promptness more than ever - the people I don't have to chase down, the people who make and keep plans unless there's an emergency and even take pride in showing up. Maybe other people are even more fun but the stress of the one-sided relationship outweighed it , at least for me.

I'm glad you talked to her though.

She finally called me today (a month after our last chat). We talked for a long time (over an hour). I did ask her what's up with her and I said we haven't talked in ages. She said 'today I realised I haven't called you in a while but I'm not good at socialising, you should just call or emai me and I'll get in touch when I can'. I said I was the one who called her last and that since she hadn't called back I thought she must be too busy. She insisted it's how she is and that I shouldn't think she didn't want to talk to me.

After that, the conversation was fine, as usual. She said we should meet some time but let's wait for the weather to get warmer, I said sure and that was that.

I'm not sure what to think but I'm glad we talked.

I think you should believe what she is saying to you. That she's just that way, and that her not having called you until now wasn't because she didn't want to, or didn't think of you. It's just that she.....didn't.

I'm guilty of this, so I get it. I think for me, and likely for your friend, it's due to compartmentalization. Some people's brains just compartmentalize more thoroughly than others, so when she's not sitting in front of you, she's immersed in whatever else she's doing, so yeah, you really are off her mind, until she comes back around to you.

This reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend years ago about a guy who didn't call her in between dates, and I said that it sounds like he compartmentalizes, kind of like one of those Tupperware salad containers that has little compartments, and you snap one closed, and it stays shut with the tomatoes, or cucumbers, until it's opened again. This friend sounds like this.

I'm encouraged for you that she called you! Now, yes, I do think that you should invite her to something, but why wait for the weather to get warmer? Just meet for a coffee, or a lunch.

I am so guilty of being like your friend, I'm wondering if you are actually one of my friends writing about me, lol. I literally just made a list on my phone of friends I need to call and invite for a dinner, lunch, coffee, as I, too, tend to simply forget about whoever is not directly in front of me.

I said I was the one who called her last and that since she hadn't called back I thought she must be too busy. She insisted it's how she is and that I shouldn't think she didn't want to talk to me....I'm not sure what to think but I'm glad we talked.

I'm glad you can appreciate the value of a touch base convo without necessarily setting plans. I have some terrific friends who I love without keeping score. We have some years where we see one another many times, often in a cluster around some event, project or just a simpatico mood. Other years we spend less time together and maybe settle for being phone buds over a glass of win on occasion.

I understand how excitement at reuniting and spur a cluster of visits, but most people can't keep up that pace. I'd treat this less like dating and more about cultivating your heart connection even while respecting the limits of one another as those occur.

Head high, and enjoy knowing that you've got another loved on in the world.

I understand how excitement at reuniting and spur a cluster of visits, but most people can't keep up that pace. I'd treat this less like dating and more about cultivating your heart connection even while respecting the limits of one another as those occur.

Yes, some people have limits. I have a 'limited' friend as well. Katie and I were thick as thieves for one year in high school, then we drifted apart. This was mainly on account of her. Eventually, I gave up putting any effort into our friendship. YEARS pass without much interaction between us.

But we still remain friends! There's no bad blood, although there used to be frustration on my part.

When Facebook came out, she friended me. But we barely talked.

Again, this was her fault. I tried.

Then, seven or eight years ago, Katie and her family moved into my mom's neighborhood. They moved there specifically because Katie knew I'd once lived there and she remembered the neighborhood with affection.

They lived there for a couple years. I visited them on the weekends when I visited my mom.

Then Katie and her family moved away again and it's back to no communication. I texted her when my mom moved away, and again a couple weeks ago when I almost visited her husband at work. Nice conversations both times. But more than a year passed between them.

The funny thing is, even though we barely talk are still very close in some ways. There are aspects of me that I am comfortable showing her, which I am not comfortable showing everybody--like the way my boyfriend and I talk to each other on the phone. She gets it.

So, for that reason, and other similar reasons, she's worth keeping as a friend. I don't get frustrated with her anymore.

Yes, some people have limits. I have a 'limited' friend as well. Katie and I were thick as thieves for one year in high school, then we drifted apart. This was mainly on account of her. Eventually, I gave up putting any effort into our friendship. YEARS pass without much interaction between us.

 

But we still remain friends! There's no bad blood, although there used to be frustration on my part.

 

When Facebook came out, she friended me. But we barely talked.

 

I have almost the exact same story! I'm 56, and my HS best friend & I were inseparable back then. We lost touch after HS. Fast forward to 2009 Facebook time, and she friended me, but we barely talked.

Last weekend, she was in my city, and we met for lunch.....first time in 34 years!!! We talked for almost 3 hours, and it was like not a day has passed!

Re: catfeeder's comments about keeping score. I completely agree with this. I can't count the number of friends who have removed other friends from their lives because someone "owes" someone a phone call, or whatever. It's one thing if it's always one person reaching out, and the other person barely responds, but if it's a general see-saw, there is no reason to keep score.

I think you shouldn't take her MIA personally but she is also telling you that she's not willing to put in the effort to call, respond to calls or make a plan. She will deign to talk to you when she feels like it -so it might be that day or 6 months later or a year later. It depends on your standards - are you ok with that?

I'm not really sure.

I don't have any people like that in my life. I mean, my friends are friends I can count on and they can count on me. We may not see each other every week or even every month (life does get in the way) but we communicate often.

Also, I don't think she's like this with everyone. I mean, when we talked she mentioned a few of her friends (that I've met, too) that she meets quite often...I don't know if they are the ones who initiate it or what but that thing about the weather getting warmer was rather strange. It's December, the weather won't get warmer before May...LOL

Now, yes, I do think that you should invite her to something, but why wait for the weather to get warmer? Just meet for a coffee, or a lunch.

Well, when she said we should meet I said sure, let's make a plan and she said ok, when the weather gets warmer....but as I wrote above, it's December, the weather is about to get colder, not warmer.

I'm not really sure.

 

I don't have any people like that in my life. I mean, my friends are friends I can count on and they can count on me. We may not see each other every week or even every month (life does get in the way) but we communicate often.

 

Also, I don't think she's like this with everyone. I mean, when we talked she mentioned a few of her friends (that I've met, too) that she meets quite often...I don't know if they are the ones who initiate it or what but that thing about the weather getting warmer was rather strange. It's December, the weather won't get warmer before May...LOL

 

 

 

Well, when she said we should meet I said sure, let's make a plan and she said ok, when the weather gets warmer....but as I wrote above, it's December, the weather is about to get colder, not warmer.

So in that case I'd take it as a brush off. Leave the ball in her court even if she is "bad" at keeping in touch. Obviously it's not true. I am sorry.