My success story

Hello everyone, I've been here for a near next week. For those of you that are new and don't know me, I had a breakup that was just as bad as the one you're probably going through. In short my girlfriend of 3 years who with making plans with me to buy a house and get married had been cheating on me for about 3 months. In my heart I knew she was the one I'd spend my life with. I was even willing to forgive her transgression.

I broke up with her immediately but realized she was still the one I wanted to spend my life with. we kept talking, ending with her finally saying a couple weeks later that she wanted to be alone and needed to be single and that her behavior was the result of her one thing to try the single life. It was obviously an excuse, but in my fragile state I couldn't see through her BS.

I suffered for a long time constantly checking her Facebook, watching videos and games at getting back with your ex and going to sleep every night having dreams of reconciliation. It wasn't until I look at her Instagram on New Year's Day and discovered she was in a new relationship, complete with pictures of the new happy couple and several dagger lines about a new start fresh beginnings, and have the best was yet to come. I was miserable. I even considered checking myself into a mental health facility at my own cost just to be away from the social media I knew I was addicted to looking at and a strong desire to reach out and call her, and find some magical cure that would bring us back together and give me back what I thought we had.

Around February of this year I went on Tinder, went on a few dates, I met some nice people but my heart was not theirs to have. After a couple of weeks I realized I was only hoping that she would see me with someone new get jealous and want me back. Friends and my conscience told me that was unhealthy and I decided to suffer on my own until I was ready to have a mature adult relationship again, whenever that may be.

I focused on my time on avoiding her at all cost, and I built up a nice streak with no contact which was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do but looking back was easily the most rewarding aspect of my journey.

This June I met an amazing woman and we hit it off immediately. We were instantly very attracted to one another and couldn't get enough of one another. As time went on our bond only grew stronger and as we got to know each other I thought about my ex and the pain I had felt less and less. I remember how slowly the days past following the breakup and with each setback. However, these last 5 months have flown by in a blink.

Coming up on the one-year anniversary I can finally say that I believe I'm Healed. I share this story to let everyone else in my position a year ago that the best is in fact yet to come for you. You are an amazing person and you're worth all the love another human being can give to you. Make sure that you're receiving it from the right person, the person deserving of Your Love in return. I recently watched a video that discussed the regrets people had on their deathbeds. Top five, was settling for the wrong partner, or making bad romantic decisions in general. You may have lost an unfit partner, but more importantly you've lost a regret, and long-term regrets are far worse than heartbreak. Good luck to all of you, you're going to be just fine. Tomorrow will be a better day than today was, but it's going to take tomorrow for you to realize it.

Just as a footnote for anyone that's interested, my ex did finally reach out to me in September. Turns out she had been looking at my social media and decided to send out a message gloating about the new house she just bought with her new boyfriend of well under a year. This message came less than a couple of days after updating my profile picture to include myself and my new girlfriend. Of all the things I had wanted to say to her both positive and negative in the months leading up to that moment, my response was merely to smile and feel good about myself, because I no longer cared. Our roles has finally changed with her possibly being the pursuer and I the one moving on. I do wish her well, both and her new relationship as a homeowner and as a human being, but I have no interest and having her in my life.

Great post! Glad you made it through the breakup doldrums and came out happy.

Hello Stacks,

It makes me very happy reading this.

So much of your story is similar to mine.. even the timelines!

Very pleased you have come out the other side and things have worked out.

S x

This is not only great but touching , can’t remember how many nights I watched Craig videos and the rest on YouTube drunk, reading about all the possible rebound theories .

All to our benefit, one loss is a path for another gain, we all strive and learn answer become better.

I share your feeling and gain and it’s an inspiration

Thanks for the positive story! I love the role reversal at the end. What a tacky thing for her to do, too. Ew.

Thanks for the positive story! I love the role reversal at the end. What a tacky thing for her to do, too. Ew.

Hello Stacks,

 

It makes me very happy reading this.

 

So much of your story is similar to mine.. even the timelines!

 

Very pleased you have come out the other side and things have worked out.

 

S x

This is not only great but touching , can’t remember how many nights I watched Craig videos and the rest on YouTube drunk, reading about all the possible rebound theories .

 

All to our benefit, one loss is a path for another gain, we all strive and learn answer become better.

 

I share your feeling and gain and it’s an inspiration

Thank you! In hindsight I do have to say that people like Craig and Corey Wayne likely elongated my healing time, because even though they speak mostly about moving on and finding someone that's a better fit for you, they do try to keep you a little bit hopeful that reconciliation will happen. This is more for Craig van Wayne.

Interesting.

Im not familiar with either, but, to be fair, healing doesnt come from finding someone new either. Healing comes from within. Be happy with yourself, be ok with yourself, thats moving on, the other is just sugar coating rebounding.

Interesting.

 

Im not familiar with either, but, to be fair, healing doesnt come from finding someone new either. Healing comes from within. Be happy with yourself, be ok with yourself, thats moving on, the other is just sugar coating rebounding.

That being said, there have been some interesting psychological evidence based studies in recent years that hint at rebounding being very healthy and helping with healing, and the stigma around it is slightly unjustified....apart from those instances where people engage in reckless activities to cope and sex is often at the top of the list.

Agreed, happiness can only come from within, nobody else can ever be the source. It's a recipe for disaster. I mentioned that I attempted to rebound, but couldn't get into it and stopped.

 

That being said, there have been some interesting psychological evidence based studies in recent years that hint at rebounding being very healthy and helping with healing, and the stigma around it is slightly unjustified....apart from those instances where people engage in reckless activities to cope and sex is often at the top of the list.

Please share because the evidence shown here on these boards alone shows how reckless and harmful it is to all parties. Its a complete contradiction too, you say you agree, happiness comes from within while saying its ok to give the job of fixing yourself to someone else? I just dont see how thats healthy, but again I am interested in seeing.

Please share because the evidence shown here on these boards alone shows how reckless and harmful it is to all parties. Its a complete contradiction too, you say you agree, happiness comes from within while saying its ok to give the job of fixing yourself to someone else? I just dont see how thats healthy, but again I am interested in seeing.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/intense-emotions-and-strong-feelings/201309/rebound-relationships

That article discusses how a new fling can make the old partner feel "disposable" or promote the idea that there is life after heartbreak, and thinking about someone new can help you from dwelling on the old person..... Thinking negative thoughts about your ex is still keeping them in your thoughts and preventing moving on.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/dating-decisions/201406/the-truth-about-rebound-relationships?amp

This article explains some of the positives and negatives of rebounds while admitting the definition of what a rebound really is is up to interpretation.

https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/0265407514525086

Are people in "rebounds" to hide their pain or because their ready to see someone new? Hard to tell, but emperically people that have begun seeing someone new harbor less resentment and negative feelings.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201405/can-rebound-relationship-be-the-real-deal?amp

Easily the most pro rebound article. Author cites various studies that imply rebounding may be a myth or a baseless construct of our minds.

Bottom line for me is that I entered a new relationship when I felt ready. Trying to force things too early wasn't for me, and I think I'm in the majority in that line of thinking. Not sure how much of it has to do with the quality of my partners, but this relationship feels right.

We sometimes argue that an ex jumps right into a new thing and it ends quickly or fails that it was obviously a rebound, but if it's lasted for a while or has yet to show signs of failing that they had been moving on for a while emotionally before breaking up. I'd also like to point out that at different points in our life we're looking for different things in our romances. I think there are too many variables to be taken into account and the term rebound may need to be retired.

For some further real life proof: It worked for my ex. It didn't work for me...

Funny thing: I met a nice girl through a friend. We went on a few dates.

In one of our first dates she was telling me her boyfriend broke up with her to go and hook up with my exwife from Tinder..!

Needless to say we didn't date much after that.

There's a short film right there...!

sigh*

:)

Wow that's some small world stuff right there Carus :( How did that whole situation affect your recovery? Where was your mind before and after?

Wow that's some small world stuff right there Carus :(

True that...! I was thinking "How many people live in this damn city!? Like, 10..!?"

How did that whole situation affect your recovery?

I think as anyone would know, it hurt....But it was also just more confirmation that it was over and she wasn't coming back....

So bit of a double edged sword I guess.....

Where was your mind before and after?

Before: Mush.

After: Mush.

I was still in the thick of it at the time.

Quite a pity really but it was also more confirmation that I had to turn and face the long road alone.

I'm thinking of dropping an update on my journal soon. I'm 14 months out and feel I might be about halfway home now*

Thanks Stacks* Hope you're doing ok.

Carus*

Oh Geez, I dont know how I missed your response.

I will respond to you later tonight/tomorrow, headed out for a bit.

Carus I'm hoping in the long run it made you a bit stronger. I'm hoping for a positive entry!

Np figure it out, it's been a crazy week for us all I'm sure. Hope you're well too!

 

Np figure it out, it's been a crazy week for us all I'm sure. Hope you're well too!

Thanks for your patience. I wanted to take the time to actually read the articles because l was interested in what they said and I havent had the mental energy to spare lately.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/b...-relationships

 

That article discusses how a new fling can make the old partner feel "disposable" or promote the idea that there is life after heartbreak, and thinking about someone new can help you from dwelling on the old person..... Thinking negative thoughts about your ex is still keeping them in your thoughts and preventing moving on.

I'm not sure if you maybe quoted the wrong article but the one I read didnt say anything about that.

Rebound relationships can often help people stop missing their exes. When a person starts dating someone new, their success in having found another appealing person to date can help them feel better about their romantic prospects.1 This can make people feel less dependent on their exes for meeting their emotional needs—a key step to getting over past relationships. And if the rebound relationship is with a rewarding, high-quality partner, then that partner can gradually replace the ex in their lives.

 

If, however, the new relationship is not particularly rewarding, then the rebound relationship can backfire. Recent research conducted by my colleague Stephanie Spielmann, myself, and our collaborators, showed that unrewarding rebound relationships can actually lead people to feel more attached to their ex-partners, rather than less.2 This association appears to go the other way as well—if, for some reason, a person is having a difficult time letting go of their ex, they’re not going to be able to invest in a new relationship as fully, making that relationship less rewarding. Basically, our emotional and attachment needs are hydraulic: The more we rely on one individual to meet these needs (e.g., an ex-partner), the less we tend to rely on another individual to meet these same needs (e.g., a new partner).

 

So how long will a rebound last? It really depends on whether the rebound relationship is better than the relationship that was left behind.

What I got from the first article is, rebound relationships work if you find a rewarding high quality partner and it doesnt end. So in other words, your rebound will succeed as long as the new person is A.) superior to an ex and B.) You never break up. I didnt see the article showing bias for one side or the other, it rather gave the facts, which I liked. It was an interesting read!

The second article was also an interesting read, to me though, it gave the benefits from the perspective of the rebounder:

The period following a breakup can be challenging for many people. Entering into a new relationship might serve to assist with some of these challenges. One possibility is that people might use rebound relationships as a coping strategy or as a means to distract themselves from painful feelings. As noted previously, people often experience despair and loneliness following the end of a relationship. Dating a new person may provide a way to divert attention from these negative emotions. One study examining the hypothetical benefits of rebound relationships found that rebounds may buffer the distress that anxiously attached people experience over breakups (Spielmann, MacDonald, & Wilson, 2009). The “honeymoon period” that accompanies the onset of a new relationship might also help to push unpleasant emotions and memories into the background, offering a person a new set of ideas and emotions to fixate upon

While ignoring how that mindset affected the new person, that bugged me a bit.

In our study, we assessed relationship-level patterns in addition to individual-level outcomes. People who were fast to rebound experienced some personally beneficial outcomes such as high self-esteem, but their new relationship outcomes and feelings toward their ex-partner were more ambiguous. In terms of the new relationship, there was some evidence that they saw and respected their new partner more, possibly because they felt fortunate to have someone during their post-breakup period. However, as for their current feelings about their previous partner, individuals who were quick to rebound appeared to be still somewhat enmeshed in their past relationship. First, people who quickly repartnered had more contact with their ex in our prospective study. The brief time elapsed since the breakup may have played a role in the frequency with which people remained in touch with their ex-partner as this effect was observed only in Study 1 where the amount of time since the breakup was shorter on average (about 7 months) than in Study 2 (almost 2 years). As previously discussed, rebounders in Study 2 also tended to use their past partner to understand their current partner, another indication that rebounders were still grounded in the past. Returning to our well-being findings, people who quickly repartnered may have had heightened well-being partially because they had contact with two romantic partners (their ex and their current partner) and were able to receive social and emotional support from multiple sources.

 

In spite of more sustained contact with the previous partner, people who quickly rebounded did not appear to be romantically hung up on their ex-partners. This finding is somewhat surprising since their breakup was more recent. However, this suggests that having a new partner may effectively serve the purpose of allowing people to more quickly get over their ex, even when the breakup occurred recently.

 

Rebounders were not preoccupied with their past partner, but there was some evidence that they still had a desire to punish their ex-partner. Specifically, quickly getting involved with a new partner corresponded to reports of wanting revenge in Study 1. Retaliatory motivations and feelings of anger early on in new relationships may indicate that one reason people engage in rebound relationships is to vent their anger and get revenge on past partners.

Re the bold, its easy to read and think positive as the rebounder, but where does that leave the reboudee? None of that is positive on the reboundees side in my eyes. LHgirl wrote an excellent post the other day referencing being the reboundee and she said a friend said : I was his life raft after a life of being married. some people may find that appealing and more power to them, many though, probably arent going to be happy with the reality that theyre there as a crutch. If given the option, I wouldn't want that role.

The last article I think gives the strongest argument for rebounding as is very clearly pro rebound, I wish there was a bit more to it.

Thank you for taking the time to show me your evidence, while I am still pretty firmly anti rebound, it was interesting to see another perspective.

At the end of the day, for me, and I am not necessarily speaking of you but just in general, I dont know your posting history, in general, when I see 'success stories' they seem insincere. They remind me of those toxic couples on social media who over share.

Dont get me wrong were all happy to share happiness in our lives and I personally love to see it, I love to read good news from posters especially regular posters, because for the most part theyre here, many have connected to them and their stories, were there for the lows so we want to see the highs! So to read those highs are amazing, but very often these "im happy because Im in a relationship" update posts are from drive by posters who posted 6 times 7 months ago, so the logic in sharing in the heartbreak forum is, again to me, a bit mind boggling. Like going into a jenny craig meeting with a giant bowl of ice cream.

Back to what i was saying that it reminded me of the toxic social media over share couple. We all know one. They post every hour on the hour about how happy they are over saturating people with their relationship. I have a cousin who does this she separated from her husband and had a new boyfriend before we even knew her and her husband broke up, she posts 38 times a day photos and tags and such and at first it was like aww how cute, then theyd break up and its silence then a day or to later they get back together and back to the over saturation, this cycle happens like every month or so, its like she has to convince everyone shes ok Like if I say it enough maybe I'll believe it, and what better way to prove youre ok than to be in a relationship? Sometimes I think that of drive by updaters, I wonder if they think maybe if I tell enough people how happy I am, not because I worked on myself, not because I found inner peace, not because I worked through whatever issues I had, but because I'm in a new relationship, I'll believe it myself. I think as evidenced even by the pro rebound articles that someone rebounding is filing a void. Is it healthy? Is it real or temporary?

Again, not specifically referencing you. Dont know your history, just a general observation.

Again thanks for the articles, and congrats, I wish you the best.

Back to what i was saying that it reminded me of the toxic social media over share couple. We all know one. They post every hour on the hour about how happy they are over saturating people with their relationship.

My last relationship, which ended horribly, was like this. He was an enormous over-sharer, posting every single thing we did, ate, went, and pics constantly. Then, it would be radio silence during our fights, and it would all start up again. I stupidly went along with it. I had every right, and every brain cell, to ask him not to post so much, or not to tag me in so much stuff. Lesson learned. Now I find it so nauseating when I see other couples do it, and I realize how stupid I looked. Ugh.

Re: rebounding. Yes, as I had written, and Figureitout properly quoted, my 2 1/2 year "wonderful" relationship (different from the social media oversharing one) was a complete rebound: he was 3 months out of a 20+ year marriage, and after 2 1/2 "blissful" (I thought) years, he simply.....left. And yes, my friend said that I was his life raft into single life.

The life raft analogy made such lightbulbs go off for me, as it made so much sense, and to this day, I recognize that relationship what it was: For me, it was finding someone I could trust, honor, respect, enjoy, who treated me exactly the way a man should treat a woman. He was everything I wanted, and I wanted to do things for him. I thought I won the relationship lottery.

But for him, it was a nice time, with a fun girl, while he sorted out his life post-divorce.

Looking back, I realize he was rearranging things in his house, which he kept after his divorce (he got custody), he was selling off things, he was cleaning it out, he was hanging pictures in different places. All signs of putting your own pieces back together after a life shared.

I was simply some glue for him.

So to say I'm completely gun-shy about rebound relationships is an understatement. I haven't seen one that has worked out long term.

Yeah, agree a lot with the above post.

I think it leaves scars on the reboundee. Because the person thinks all of that is 'true' love but it really is just a projection from the past. The reboundee is like Jim Carrey in that Truman movie. Suddenly you 'click' and realise most affection, if not all, was fake. Not in the sense they were faking feelings or anything. The source of the feelings are just not coming from where you want them to come. It's coming from an ex, not you. You're basically just being played, either intentionally or not.

I was a rebound for 3 months and it's a very weird experience. The initial love bombing makes you question your assumptions of relationships. The hot and cold, the devaluing. They are all terrible for someone's self-esteem. It can be a harder hit than 'normal' break ups that you see coming from far. I'm thankful now for the learning I was offered by taking part in that but at the time it was all a bit devastating.

LHGirl, thanks for sharing your story. It shows that the rebound relationships that 'work', most of them are not really working. One person is giving their best and the other is giving whatever's left from their obsession with their ex. Most people are not honest when it comes to feelings about exes, especially the dumped ones.

Yeah, agree a lot with the above post.

 

I think it leaves scars on the reboundee. Because the person thinks all of that is 'true' love but it really is just a projection from the past. The reboundee is like Jim Carrey in that Truman movie. Suddenly you 'click' and realise most affection, if not all, was fake. Not in the sense they were faking feelings or anything. The source of the feelings are just not coming from where you want them to come. It's coming from an ex, not you. You're basically just being played, either intentionally or not..

 

I was a rebound for 3 months and it's a very weird experience. The initial love bombing makes you question your assumptions of relationships. The hot and cold, the devaluing. They are all terrible for someone's self-esteem. It can be a harder hit than 'normal' break ups that you see coming from far. I'm thankful now for the learning I was offered by taking part in that but at the time it was all a bit devastating.

 

LHGirl, thanks for sharing your story. It shows that the rebound relationships that 'work', most of them are not really working. One person is giving their best and the other is giving whatever's left from their obsession with their ex. Most people are not honest when it comes to feelings about exes, especially the dumped ones.

Wow, this says a lot! And it actually helps me understand so much of went on with me. Especially the bolded. Great post!

Thanks for all of your input everyone. Figure, I completely understand and agree with your logic and reason on rebounding, and your skeptical mindset unboubetly serves you well.

I am not in a rebound, and my attempts at rebounding only enforced a blatant need to address my emotional and maturity shortcomings. My current relationship is built on a solid foundation, a conclusion I had to come to before moving forward with it. My initial post was meant for those who are where I was at early in my healing process to keep in the back of their minds. It was the strength of those who posted their healing and recovery that helped me tremendously when I first arrived here.