Dating with kids (blended families)

My girlfriend and I have been together off and on for about 3 years. One of the continuing reason we have broken up, and continue to fight, is the kids. She has 3 kids with sole custody, their dad is a deadbeat and ran off to another state about two years ago and is not involved at all. She works all sorts of different hours and shifts, and is really only off one night during the week, a couple of hours during the day on Saturday, and after 8 am on Sunday. When she is at work, her kids are with her mom or me. I have a daughter that I have 50/50 custody of, and I work a typical Monday through Friday schedule. We do not live together.

Not to the issue:

I try to take the kids and help out as much as I can, and often that means they are with me (only me - making me function as a single parent of 3 or 4 kids at any given time, for several days on end). She sets the expectation that in order to be like a "real dad," then I should want to be with her kids 24/7, even though she's not there the majority of the time. If there is anything but 100% agreement, meaning I never say no to taking on her kids, then there is hell to pay. My stance is we are not married and not living together, so I am entitled to occasionally say no to taking her kids every single weekend while she is at work. Am I wrong? Should I take the mentality that if I ever want to be a stepfather, then I should accept functioning as a single father of both her kids and my own all the time, even though we aren't married or living together? I honestly feel like I am being taken advantage of, and any attempt for me to defend myself is being beat down by making it seem like I'm just not being good enough or available enough to her kids.

Side issues stemming from this:

There have been several occasions that I have been expected to take the kids for 24-60 hours straight, then she picks up the kids and doesnt want to spend time with me or my daughter because she is mad at me and "doesn't have to," but I still am supposed to take her kids because I should be willing to be their father even if she's mad and doesn't want to be around me when I am done watching them.

Her and the kids are going on a 9-day trip to Hawaii with family, but my daughter andf I are not allowed to come. She says that its a present from her dad, and that even if I pay for the cost of the two extra tickets, we are not invited because it is family only.

There have been two occasions that my daughter and I have done something just the two of us, on days when my girlfriend was working and her kids were with their grandmother. We went to a movie one time and a football game one time. I faced all sorts of wrath, because she said I was "intentionally excluding her kids." She also said that she will intentionally leave my daughter and me out of plans to "see how I like it." When I pointed out that they have done things on days we are not together, or that they are going on a 9-day vacation, she tells me it is not the same, because I still could have and should have gone out of my way to get her kids and include them, even though she was working and we weren't seeing them at all on those days. Please keep in mind, we don't live together, and I am still operating as a single parent with 4 kids most of the time. Its just that if I don't do it 100% of the time, I am "hurting" her kids. And she has never, on any occasion, had my daughter without me in the last 3 years.

You are not married or their step dad. She needs to look after her own kids.

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like she's taking advantage. Let her pursue child support for her kids more aggressively. Don't be the fall guy because she's still mad at her ex.

Let her dad pay for a nanny or childcare rather than frivolous vacations.

She sets the expectation that in order to be like a "real dad," then I should want to be with her kids 24/7, even though she's not there the majority of the time.

There have been several occasions that I have been expected to take the kids for 24-60 hours straight

 

Her and the kids are going on a 9-day trip to Hawaii with family, but my daughter andf I are not allowed to come. She says that its a present from her dad, and that even if I pay for the cost of the two extra tickets, we are not invited because it is family only.

It sounds like she's using you as a free babysitting service and acting like a real brat on top of that. Please don't be a doormat. Sit down when you're calm and be prepared to tell her exactly what you are willing to do and not do -give her a sense of your boundaries and explain that some of your boundaries have changed since what you have in place doesn't work for you anymore. Don't accuse or apologize- just the facts. Neutral but firm tone. Tell her you're willing to help her find a good sitter to fill in the gaps.

If you are dating someone, they should be managing their own childcare and stealing a few moments in the morning by meeting you alone for coffee after the kids are off to school before work or something. She is not dating you -- she is relying on you to be her childcare. If you have been dating along time it would be aprorpriate to help in an emergency (parents usually care for kids, but grandpa was rushed to the hospital) or if your child was the same age as one of hers, take that child along as a companion for an activity because YOUR daughter wants and requests them there.

I think that you should use the trip to Hawaii while she is gone to clear your head and think about boundaries - either setting them strongly or leaving her. I think when she comes back, you need to assert them. Her kids somehow were taken care of before you came along. BTW, if she is not getting child support, the court will find the kids' dad or dads.

She is using emotional blackmail and talking about being a "real dad" - you are a "real dad" to your daughter.

If you were the dad to her kids, she would not be never seeing her children -- she would be off more than one day a week (in a combined household where there were two earners she might be able to be off an hour early each day or be off two days to be there for the kids or to do stuff TOGETHER)

I faced all sorts of wrath, because she said I was "intentionally excluding her kids." She also said that she will intentionally leave my daughter and me out of plans to "see how I like it."

I would not spend another moment dating this woman or whatever you are doing. I would find someone who has time to date/get to know you and wants to, vs is just looking for a child minder. She is controlling, petty and what exactly attracts you to wanting to be with her? Find someone with no kids or someone who has one or two that has their act together - in other words, someone who really is into YOU

She is completely taking advantage of you, and you are letting her. You aren't their father... you aren't even their step father.... you are basically a free babysitter for her... and you don't even get appreciation or a good relationship out of the deal from the sounds of it.

How does your daughter feel about this by the way? I imagine she is none too pleased to be sharing her time with her dad with these other 3 kids all the time.

It's nice that you are wanting to get to know and spend time with the kids but they aren't your responsibility... and you have your own that you are neglecting.

She likes having them around. Sh'es an only child and wants siblings, so she likes aspects. I just don't think its fair that when its just me and her, that we shouldnt be allowed to go do something fun because we're supposed to bring them to everything. Its one thing to go do something as a "family" of 6. Its another thing to try to go to a zoo, museum, etc when it is me acting as a single dad to 4 kids.

Especially because its all the time. Its not an occasional thing. Its every single weekend that she is working Friday/Saturday, the whole day and overnight, but I am supposed to be single dad to 4 kids when 3 aren't mine and don't live with me. I get that if we got married and/or live together, that I can't just go off and say its only going to be my daughter and I having fun. But I feel like with the all the time, taking on everything by myself is asking and expecting too much.

This should not be happening. Why is she working overnights so much as a single mom anyway? (I say this as a single mom, by the way.) The poor kids. Do you get anything done (errands, etc) when you’re with them? I’m sure it’s nice for your daughter but your daughter probably has friends from school and cousins she can hang with, right?

You don’t owe her anything. If she wants to be in a real relationship, you’d be going to Hawaii. She’s treating you as a babysitter. Truly. You said she doesn’t want to hang out with you. You’re there to mind the kids then go away. You need to move on from her. This is too much.

She works those hours so she can get ovetime out of it. She works during normal business hours, too. It makes it very difficult to get errends done. Sometimes I do, but I often try to get errands done on weekdays when there's nothing else getting in the way.

On the not hanging out, I will say that its not all the time. But it is sometimes that she is mad at me (probably because I stuck up for myself on something like this), so she say's I'm being "awful" and "of course" she wouldn't want to be around me, but that it shouldn't have gotten in the way of me "spending time" with her kids while she was working.

Last time she pulled this, they went to go see a movie without us because she didnt want me around due to being mad at me (after I had her kids with us for 48 hours straight). This is after we had told the kids that we were all going to see the movie together on Sunday. When I called her out on this, she told me I was unfairly putting the kids in the middle of our fight.

Two weeks later I take my daughter to a football game, on a day she was working and her mom had the kids, but I'm the a**hole because she sees it as intentionally excluding her kids. But her taking her kids to the movies and going on a trip without us are different circumstances.

What again is so appealing about this woman? Besides "but I LOVE her!", of course.

And what do you really want OP? To just complain or to do something about it?

If you don't want to take the kids, don't take the kids. It's pretty simple. Yes she might be pissed off and might even go off and find another guy to babysit... but clearly it doesn't make you happy so why do you keep doing it?

She shouldn’t be mad at you at all if you’re watching her kids on a regular basis. You’re doing her a huge favor so that she doesn’t have to spend money on childcare. And I’m sorry but she should not be leaving her kids with someone for 48 hours straight on a regular basis even if it is her boyfriend. Trust me, I get it, I’m a single mom and I have to raise my child on one income, but I would never be able to work nights and be away from my kid for such a long period of time. The Two of you don’t even sound like you’re really have much of a relationship. I’m sorry to say but it just seems like you’re the (free) babysitter and that’s it. She really needs to have alternate childcare. Why did you say yes to this anyway?

Sorry I’m not trying to make you feel bad or anything but I really think that if you want a real relationship with someone that you should find someone who already has childcare set up for their kids.

Done feel bad or sorry--you're not wrong. Ita true, that loving someone slowly turns to things more and more that you shouldn't take or accept. Over time, affection for that person and fear of whatever their reaction will be, you put yourself in a hole. I'm more and more saying no and the shear force I'm being met with makes me wonder if I'm being crazy or selfish, so I asked all of you what your opinion is. I keep hoping to get it to stop and for the craziness to end, but the level that she is stubborn and rejects all argument against her, makes it seem like this is a lost cause, and the person I was hoping she would turn back into was meerly a facade in the first place.

Why are you still "dating" her? What are you getting out of it? A little sex? And she's angry at you all the time? You should ask yourself if it's worth it?

Are you being emotionally abused? It sounds like it. Do you feel guilty to leave the relationship because you've grown attached to her kids? Is she using this guilt to keep you on the hook? It is emotional abuse you're experiencing.

In this relationship, it's all or nothing. You have to decide. Do you want to be the stepdad or do you want out? You need to decide now. Go all in or get all out!

She wont stop asking you to take care of her kids.

I assume she isnt paying you for this service?

I would break up with her right away & never watch her children ever again.

She is a user & basically an awful person & you and your Daughter deserve to be treated with dignity & respect.

Spend your time with your own child, she deserves a better life than this

This so over the top appalling, I find it kinda crazy that you or anyone would accept such treatment. Like you said you arent married, you dont even live together, these arent your children, how could you or anyone end up in this position?

Are you maybe venting?

Done feel bad or sorry--you're not wrong. Ita true, that loving someone slowly turns to things more and more that you shouldn't take or accept. Over time, affection for that person and fear of whatever their reaction will be, you put yourself in a hole. I'm more and more saying no and the shear force I'm being met with makes me wonder if I'm being crazy or selfish, so I asked all of you what your opinion is. I keep hoping to get it to stop and for the craziness to end, but the level that she is stubborn and rejects all argument against her, makes it seem like this is a lost cause, and the person I was hoping she would turn back into was meerly a facade in the first place.

You are not crazy.

You are not selfish.

Honestly, you should leave her. It will be the best thing for your health.

If your daughter wants siblings, after some healing try to date and meet women who want kids and want to be a stepmom or adopt a child.

Or just arrange to do things with your daughter and her cousins if she has any,

On the not hanging out, I will say that its not all the time. But it is sometimes that she is mad at me (probably because I stuck up for myself on something like this), so she say's I'm being "awful" and "of course" she wouldn't want to be around me, but that it shouldn't have gotten in the way of me "spending time" with her kids while she was working.

What a selfish person and a bully at that.

You need to make spending time with your daughter one on one and you own self care a priority.

Thank goodness you have not proposed.

Relationships don't have to be like this.

I have two kids, and we do separate things with them tons of times.

You're just a free babysitter.

I know you may love the kids, but she's not in love with you, or you'd be sipping mai tais together in Hawaii laying around like beached whales while her dad might do some paragliding with the kids.

Three years of this???? Ugh. The sex must be good, but it's not worth the 60 hours straight of someone else's kids.

What kind of advice are you looking for?

I came looking for advice for what I should do in this situation. And, if anything, to rationalize and see that my line of thinking and how I'm responding things isn't insane. And like a lot of people said, and I appreciate the advice, that maybe this relationship isn't meant to work. So no, I'm not trolling anyone.

I came looking for advice for what I should do in this situation. And, if anything, to rationalize and see that my line of thinking and how I'm responding things isn't insane. And like a lot of people said, and I appreciate the advice, that maybe this relationship isn't meant to work. So no, I'm not trolling anyone.

The question isn't to imply trolling, it's to find out what you want. That's the most important thing to clarify for yourself and to us if you want the advice to be relevant.

What is the outcome you want?

The question isn't to imply trolling, it's to find out what you want. That's the most important thing to clarify for yourself and to us if you want the advice to be relevant.

 

What is the outcome you want?

Well said Cat.

Unless you have some incredibly low self esteem, which I realize is possible, it’s so hard to comprehend you would question the reality of all this.

I know typically with people with low self esteem, it’s the same as abused people they honestly don’t see how horrible their reality is, but you seem to be quite clear in your description based solely on your verbiage and choice of words you seem quite clear how unfair all this appears.

So what exactly are you asking? Let’s be honest here you know and you have known this is a one sided relationship.Im basing this on your side of the story I realize there are two sides but taking your explanation, you know.

So what’s your next step?

 

There have been two occasions that my daughter and I have done something just the two of us, on days when my girlfriend was working and her kids were with their grandmother. We went to a movie one time and a football game one time.

 

I faced all sorts of wrath, because she said I was "intentionally excluding her kids." She also said that she will intentionally leave my daughter and me out of plans to "see how I like it."

 

When I pointed out that they have done things on days we are not together, or that they are going on a 9-day vacation, she tells me it is not the same, because I still could have and should have gone out of my way to get her kids and include them, even though she was working and we weren't seeing them at all on those days.

 

How is this (bolded) even remotely reasonable? Even without everything else, this alone proves she's got some serious chips missing upstairs.

I mean she was working and her kids were with their grandmother, but she's throwing fits because you didn't include them?

Followed by her snarky comment "I'm gonna intentionally leave my daughter and me out of plans and see how you like it."

Ugh, there is no point even responding to such nonsense let alone defending your actions. It will only create more unnecessary nonsense.

It's manipulation and gaslighting in the worst way, and my advice is to tell her this "relationship" isn't working for you anymore and walk away.

Do not engage further.

Moving forward, learn to recognize manipulation like this and abort before becoming invested in the outcome.

Deleted. Double post.