Do I miss the person or the feeling?

Hello everyone, and sorry in advance for the long story that I will try to keep short and sweet. Is my first time writing on a network asking for opinions, this time I am in a dark corner and I need someone to shed some light on my path. I am 23, a bit young and a bit old inside, what I mean with old is that I have had a rough past that has scared me forever and I had to grow up much faster than any other teenager. But I am grateful for it as well, as this has brought me to be who I am and where I am today.

My story, to which I am hoping for an external point of view, starts 4 years ago. I had moved from Italy to London for a fresh start. Once in London after more or less a year, I had moved into this beautiful 4 bed shared home that has then changed my life completely. I have met a guy, really nice, smiley and kind but with some drugs issues (which to be fair I still am currently not bothered about). We started dating, going to festivals until one day he has asked me to be his girl and I have obviously said yes! I was in a happy place, I loved myself, I had friends, an amazing house, I was traveling a lot and I was driving super sport cars. What else could have been missing If not romance. We started off really well until after around 6 months in when things started to go bitter. We had our first big fight… over the fact that he started to spend time mostly with his friends whom I could not meet as according to the events, they were only meeting for “guys night”. He had left the flat at the time for days, he had split up with me over social media and we had not talked for a week. We eventually got back together, we moved to Manchester where a really horrible period with financial instability had come and we were starting to fall apart once again. He has taken care of me in conditions in which I could probably have passed away and not be here writing this today! We finally decided to move to Edinburgh (where I am at the moment) thinking it will do us good to start fresh once again.

(in 3 years of relationship I had lost my friends as who lives in London may know, people come and go, and my friends decided that London was no longer their dream)

Once in Edinburgh we reached once again the rock bottom. We had barely money to eat, I was the only one working with a rent and bills over £800. We started being instable again and in the main while I had found some friends from work, including guys. He eventually started working and I eventually started going out with work friends and started feeling like life was a little better. He did not see it the same way… he was seeing me going out like if I had abandoned him. My texts with guys from work were scaring him although he was himself starting to text to random “old girl friends”. Long story short we decided to split up after nights of crying and hoping that this was a nightmare. We have moved in different flats but kept seeing each other until he had thought to go back to London. I was finally stable, with friends a nice job…That was not a decision that sounded great to me so he decided that all my insecurities were far too many and that it was better to leave each other forever. He has deleted me from any kind of social media or contact that he had.

Is been now almost a year since we split. I am now seeing someone new. Someone that is amazing but has some self-control issues. He is trying his best but has never money not even for food and that still lives with his parents. I am a really independent girl and now sharing a flat after years in which my only flatmate was my love as well is really complicated. I still cry over my ex on my nights alone. I still hug the pillow and hope I will wake up to my ex hugging me how once he used to. But I am wide aware that is not going to happen.

The details are much more and I don’t want to make anyone’s evening miserable, but I am not happy anymore and I really don’t know where to find my happiness once again as now it seems like I am still trapped inside memories and is something that is hitting me harder and harder every day.

Thank you in advance if you will take the time to read my poem and for sharing your thought about this all!

P.S I am sorry if there are any grammatical mistakes, I've tried my best not to make any! :)

Have a lovely evening!

Unfortunately guy 2 sounds almost as bad as guy 1. Perhaps if you dated men with decent jobs, their own place and no drug or other problems you wouldn't feel this sad or frustrated.

Seeking out drama, chronically moving, picking broke, drug using guys and being this unstable is something you should consider reflecting on and trying to improve.

I have met a guy, really nice, smiley and kind but with some drugs issues We had barely money to eat, I was the only one working

I am now seeing someone new. He is trying his best but has never money not even for food and that still lives with his parents.

Unfortunately guy 2 sounds almost as bad as guy 1. Perhaps if you dated men with decent jobs, their own place and no drug or other problems you wouldn't feel this sad or frustrated. Seeking out drama, chronically moving, picking broke, drug using guys and being this unstable is something you should consider reflecting on and trying to improve.

Yeah, I'm thinking the same thing. Are you attracted to "bad boys?" Guys that are kind of rough both on the outside and on the inside. Do they seem more exciting than nice guys with jobs and stable lives? Are you meeting them in pubs rather than through work or at social events?

You're only 23, so I can see they may seem more exciting than normal guys, but you pay for it in terms of the trouble they give you. And when you say "acting out," do you mean your current boyfriend is violent or argumentative?

I think if you go out and meet a nice guy, a lot of your problems will go away.

Unfortunately guy 2 sounds almost as bad as guy 1. Perhaps if you dated men with decent jobs, their own place and no drug or other problems you wouldn't feel this sad or frustrated.

 

Seeking out drama, chronically moving, picking broke, drug using guys and being this unstable is something you should consider reflecting on and trying to improve.

I know, I have tried hard to avoid this kind of dates but at the very beginning they both seemed to be just perfect. I was being treated in the nicest ways and eventually as the months passed the events changed and things have gone worse.

I am not really going out much and I seem to only find love in people that I see everyday either at work or flat sharing.

But I agree with you, is not a good pattern and I hope I will find a way of meeting someone that is stable and with their heads on their shoulders.

Dan Zee, Thank you for this! I am not minimally attracted to bad boys. I am attracted to a kind heart and a nice smile everyday that makes my day. I only discover their habits and issues after few months of dating and that is really frustrating! My current BF is pretty argumentative and "violent" in the sense that if he gets in an argument he starts throwing things around and break stuff. I am trying to make him understand that maybe this is not working but he is being really persistent and follows me home talking non stop about how things will get better and how he will sort his life out to give me a better life as well.

I am a bit old school, I don't really go out much, I hate clubs and I like simple things like a nice movie and a hot chocolate on rainy days. I am not really good at meeting new people, specially nowadays where the technology has taken over and everyone meets through social media and various dating apps.

I will try my best to find someone that is down to earth and sees life as simple as I see it! :) Thank you for your time!

There are better places to meet people than roommates or coworkers. Also your criteria for continuing to date someone needs to be more than "a nice smile".

Hopefully you are not involved in drugs or drinking and choose these violent broke drug users for that reason. No one can help you if you "cry every night", yet continually choose men who are violent, abusive unemployed and use drugs. Wishing and hoping won't change your life. Do you have any friends or family you could turn to for help?

I seem to only find love in people that I see everyday either at work or flat sharing. I hope I will find a way of meeting someone that is stable and with their heads on their shoulders.

There are better places to meet people than roommates or coworkers. Also your criteria for continuing to date someone needs to be more than "a nice smile".

 

Hopefully you are not involved in drugs or drinking and choose these violent broke drug users for that reason. No one can help you if you "cry every night", yet continually choose men who are violent, abusive unemployed and use drugs. Wishing and hoping won't change your life. Do you have any friends or family you could turn to for help?

I know my criteria is not that high... I have just always thought that a good heart is more important than any other thing, we all have issues and that is unavoidable I think. I am not choosing my dates based on their drug abuse as well as I am not involved myself in any of it, or because I previously knew that they were violent. I choose to date someone when I believe that how they express themselves or behave initially meets what I am myself as a person. The story I have said above, with the issues attached to it, are things that I eventually discover after months or longer periods once already dating the person. I wish I had known before, that would avoid me all this suffering.

To make an example, the person I am currently seeing has a senior role in a well known company, a good salary, very social and very liked by anyone around us and yet after months of dating I have discovered after an argument how horrible he can get. I am not choosing this, unfortunately. I have been treated like gold initially, with very nice dates, amazing evenings and lots of laughter. I guess I just have to find another way of meeting someone new! I am a simple girl, all I have ever wanted was a simple relationship with a prospect for an eventual future together. :)

People with a "good heart" respect themselves and others. They do not use drugs, get violent, abuse people, refuse to work and mooch off of people.

No, we don't "all have issues" like abuse, drugs, poverty, violence, unemployment, etc". These are lies you tell yourself. That is the world you choose to live in. It seems you've had problems with drugs and overdoses or suicide attempts?

Why feel sorry for yourself when you refuse to leave after he has been violent? Or date and try to meet decent men?

I have just always thought that a good heart is more important than any other thing, we all have issues and that is unavoidable I think. after months of dating I have discovered after an argument how horrible he can get.

People with a "good heart" respect themselves and others. They do not use drugs, get violent, abuse people, refuse to work and mooch off of people.

 

No, we don't "all have issues" like abuse, drugs, poverty, violence, unemployment, etc". These are lies you tell yourself. That is the world you choose to live in. It seems you've had problems with drugs and overdoses or suicide attempts?

 

Why feel sorry for yourself when you refuse to leave after he has been violent? Or date and try to meet decent men?

I see your point, but I guess my view is slightly different although I agree with you. A good heart person can have drugs issues (not myself) as well as unemployment issues (unfortunately I have been there myself) or poverty. I do agree on the point of violence or abuse that is not considerable or acceptable but everyone in their lives has been at the rock bottom at one point and at times that changes you.

I never refused to leave, I have left and after I have decided on giving them a second chance. (there has never been physical abuse or violence)I do understand that it may not be the best option nor the option that most people agree with but I have always tried my best to be understandable and try one more time and hope their apologies are sincere.

I am trying my best moving forward, I am trying to search for other people, I am trying to be less kind and accepting less and making less excuses is just complicated as I am always scared of hurting someone in the process that does not deserve it.

I may be completely wrong with all of the above but some of those beliefs have brought me amazing people to which I am still close.

I am sorry you are going through this! Relationships can be very hard sometimes. If you are not currently happy, my advice would be to take sometime to focus on yourself and what makes you happy. Being single for a while to focus on bettering yourself can be a very good thing. Then when it is the right time, the right person will come along! I hope everything gets better.