Need some advice moving forward

Hey all thanks for reading my story.

i have known this girl from high school and always had a thing for her since the age of about 15 , (she is now 32 and i am now 30). So recently we started connecting/talking to each other through social media and i always felt there was mutual attraction between us and i am sure i read the signs correctly.

So after a while we decided to meet up and have a drink and i was instantly phyiscally and sexually attracted to her the moment i locked eyes on her and i beleive the feeling was mutual. so i walked her home and we had a kiss. however during this time i found a lump which i thought to be testicular cancer which as you can imagine knocked my self esteem for 6 and made it difficult for me to fully express myself and stimulate her properly (this turned out to be a cyst for which im having removed).

she recently told me she didnt feel that sexual attraction from me and told me that she was seeing someone else (this is like 1-2 weeks old)

Im not sure where to go with this now i explained to her why this happened and told her “I did not start talking to you because i wanted to be just friends”

I dont want to pursue her and seem desperate as thats not my style but i really think there is something special here/ that spark.

Question is where do i go from here do i give her some time with this new guy while i work on being a better person myself or do i drive it home now that everything is laid out there which was my intention from the beginning however i let something stupid and insignificant get in the way of allowing myself to cook up any sort of sexual attraction with/for her from the point we first met. When in reality i was physically and sexually attracted to her from the off.

Maybe i am reading the situation wrong but i dont beleive a girl would ever kiss someone she is not attracted to

*** last msg***

take care of yourself

I did not start talking to you because i wanted to be just friends

*Response*

Xx

so am i doomed at this stage guys?

I am not sure you have as many options as you think unfortunately. It sounds like you guys aren't on the same page at all, and she hasn't expressed any desire to date you even though you have to her.

Btw, I'm unclear when you were rehashing the story, at what point you guys were actually having sex or about to have sex as you only describe a kiss before parting ways when you walked her home. But in any case, I don't think that a stumble during sex is the cause of the problem. If she really really fancied you then she would get over that part of things, but it just sounds like she's generally not interested in more than friendship. Sorry :(

nah its cool i can take that on the chin, what doesnt kill you makes you stronger... This is just a life lesson

Basically i really wanted to take her home on the first night after that kiss and have sex with her and she in all honestly would of been receptive to that and was most probably waiting for it, i know as her sister told me to take her home and have sex with her (but my self esteem was in all honesty messed up big time), we spoke a few weeks ago over lunch and she told me she needs to have that sexual attraction with someone which i never even remotely showed to her as i had low self esteem

Now I'm confused again as another unexpected thing enters the story... her sister told you to take her home and have sex with her??? That's super weird, what's your relationship with the sister like for her to be in communication with you and give you this kind of advice???? You don't need to have sex with someone on the first night in order to win their heart and attraction. It just sounds like she wasn't all that invested as you are/were at all and my advice would be to move on.

its just the type of girl her sister is , she was probably just drunk and joking in all honesty as i did not know her sister very well at all so yes even i found it strange.

Yes i agree with you she even said if she wants to be with someone she will throw her self on someone and in all honestly she did that first night with me in the bar as she got super in my personal space but as i said i dont think i showed/allowed any reciprocation to it

clearly she felt something as she sent me a message saying "its annoying because if you would of done things right from the start you would of had me right where you wanted me" so obviously there was intrest there

Sorry to hear this. Did you talk about having sex/going back to your or her place? Unfortunately it's the friendzone message. It seems she thought of it as old friends catching up.

Obviously she didn't share your vision of hooking up that night. You completely misread the situation.

she recently told me she didnt feel that sexual attraction from me and told me that she was seeing someone

 

i really wanted to take her home on the first night after that kiss and have sex with her

yea your probably right in all honesty and im cool about it.

no forget the sexual stuff cause as you say she would look past that and she did but myself having low self esteem because of that cyst meant i failed to stimulate her properly even when it just came to basic things that i should of been doing such as flirting/conversation etc.

so really alot of this is my own doing by letting something get in the way of everything that was important and being receptive to her in general. Now that i look back on it it must of looked terrible from my half

I think there was something there from her tho as she sent me a message saying "its annoying because if you would of done things right from the start you would of had me right where you wanted me" so do you think there was something there and i messed it up for myself or am i misreading the situation?

she even said she thought she had feelings for me but they weren't quite gelled enough which confused me big time...

she always looked at me diffrently aswell i noticed

she gave me quite the chance and time to get this right in all fairness

What did she mean by this? What was the context and what was it in response to?

she sent me a message saying "its annoying because if you would of done things right from the start you would of had me right where you wanted me"

i think it was just in general chat or when i was attempting to flirt or compliment her in some way, cannot pull it up neither as i had my phone replaced recently due to some damage and all my chat logs went along with it.

lets take the sexual element out of this as i dont think that even mattered to her but having low self esteem because of that cyst meant i failed to stimulate her properly even when it just came to basic things that i should of been doing such as flirting/conversation etc.

she even said she thought she had feelings for me but they weren't quite gelled enough which confused me ...

is there anywhere i can go from here or is it simply a case of backing off and moving on?

Did you recently break up with someone or get divorced? How did it come about that you reached out and met up?

This is all you need to know in order to move on or accept being just old school friends.

she recently told me she didnt feel that sexual attraction from me and told me that she was seeing someone else

No i reached out to her on social media and basically said hi and it just grew from there we just got talking and we started flirting with each other quite early on , she invited me out for a drink a few times, we had lunch together and she came over to chill once or twice.

"she recently told me she didnt feel that sexual attraction from me and told me that she was seeing someone else"

agreed however read the part closely that says sexual attraction from me, that does not mean she did not have sexual attraction for me does it. Her seeing someone else is also irrelevant to me as this is like 1-2 weeks old if that

Like i said i think this is all my mess and it can be turned around with the right advice and direction.

you just know when someone is into you and i totally got that vibe she just looked at me in that way that she didnt look at anyone else...

and beleive me i would of been the first to give up a long time ago if i didnt think there was nothing there but you sort of just know and thats not me being selfish from my own point of view i have felt it from her side.

just lost and confused about this situation i have put myself in.

"Her seeing someone else is also irrelevant to me as this is like 1-2 weeks old if that"

It might be irrelevant to you, but it's not to her. The reason she told you is so that you will stop pursuing her romantically. It's also unethical for you to continue. How would you like it if you started dating a girl for a few weeks and she told a guy who was interested in her that sorry, she was dating you, and he continued to pursue her anyway?

Even though they are likely not exclusive, they are focusing on one another, and so she is off-limits. I'm glad that your health problem isn't as scary as you thought. You're only human and you were dealing with a scary episode. What's done is done. With a lifetime of experience, I've come to realize that the things that happened the opposite of what I would've liked, was really for the best. I had a feeling my guardian angel knew what was best for me in the long run. I found from someone else after the fact, that a guy who I really wanted badly but didn't get, was an alcoholic. My husband didn't get certain jobs and was really depressed about it, but he eventually got a great job better than the previous ones he applied for.

It's hard for you to forget about someone you wanted so badly, but maybe fate is stepping in because she's not who is right for you. You took a risk and it didn't pan out. Cut contact because you can't be friends with someone you're sexually attracted to. She's not the only woman in the world you can have chemistry with. Time to free up your emotional energy and time for someone who is as excited about you as you are for her. Take care.

"How would you like it if you started dating a girl for a few weeks and she told a guy who was interested in her that sorry, she was dating you, and he continued to pursue her anyway?"

i wouldnt like it but unfortunatly thats just how society is these days its just a fact of life for both genders and it does happen all the time, at least i see it where i am from.

That being said i appreciate your input and will take it aboard, yes it sucks but like you said maybe its not meant to be and its for the best.

Thankyou for putting that in to perspective for me :)

I feel like you're just blaming yourself too much for the situation rather than just accepting it wasn't right and it wasn't necessarily your fault. Sorry but if I really had a hard crush on a guy, for me, he wouldn't blow it by not sleeping with me on a first date, if it was even that. I would be patient and want to see him again and wouldn't leave it all up to the guy. It has to be a two-way street and mutual understanding and effort and patience.

thats what i have been trying to express all along that she was patient with me. She was the one who would message me wanting to see me and didnt leave it all up to me, she did reach out, i think she just didnt get the piece of me she was looking for because at the time it wasnt there for me for reasons i stated earlier.

yes maybe i am being a little bit hard on myself, but she has only just found out the reason she never really got me as i dragged it out dealing with it myself.

but like you said if it was meant to be she wouldnt care about that so i told her recently and cut contact and if its meant to be it will be if not its her loss.

I certainly am not downbeat for the future , i already have a date lined up thursday so that will be a positive step forward.

she persisted for months even as i was talking to another girl so its not like she didnt give me the opportunity i just found it difficult to reciprocate with her when in fact its all i ever wanted to do.

Is it possible to try again in the future or is it dead in the water with this girl now?

Don't keep beating yourself up over it. She's no longer interested and said she's seeing someone. Also often friendzoning is the "it's me, not, you" type thing. Let it go. Focus on other women to date.

she persisted for months even as i was talking to another girl

thanks everyone for your input much appreciated

No, he just randomly texted me last month when he got a new bike, saying he wanted to take me for a ride and it just kinda when on from there.

huh, are you in the wrong thread?

🤣👍😜📄🍻🚫⏪🙀📲🎯👇

huh, are you in the wrong thread?

No, he just randomly texted me last month when he got a new bike, saying he wanted to take me for a ride and it just kinda when on from there.

HA!!

CJ hope you realized you did nothing wrong. It sounds like she been wanting to get "lucky" with you but when you didn't give up the goods- she friend zoned you. If I were you, I would be happy to see her true colors now than later.

HA!!

 

CJ hope you realized you did nothing wrong. It sounds like she been wanting to get "lucky" with you but when you didn't give up the goods- she friend zoned you. If I were you, I would be happy to see her true colors now than later.

dont worry im well aware , yes i know she wanted to get lucky with me but i didnt allow it.

Im thinking of giving it one more roll of the dice tbh now that everything is out there and the air is cleared.

At least that way i wont have the "what if" stuck in the back of my mind

on the flip side i have been setting up other dates so its not like i am moping around on this girl but i liked her as much as she liked me from the start.