I don't want to lose him forever.....

So this is the first time I have ever posted to a site asking for help.....please be kind as I feel very fragile at the moment. But please be honest too as I need the truth. My boyfriend (well currently ex-boyfriend) and I have been together for about 1.5 years. We moved into together for the last year of our relationship due to financial hardship and unexpected circumstances. We have overall a very loving relationship but like any couple we have disagreements over the stupidest things that really shouldn't matter. I have come to learn that timing is key in a relationship and sometimes it just isn't the right time to dwell on something that is so insignificant in the long run. I am rambling now so sorry but just wanted to give some backstory. I am 32 and my ex is 35. Over the last weekend we went to a friends art gallery and I drank way too much. I was mixing different liquors and at one point blacked out. I remember a good amount of what happened that evening and I was completely out of line. I insulted someone at the party, left hysterically crying and by the time we arrived home I was ready for a full out brawl. I ended up hitting my boyfriend (in the arm I believe) a few times, breaking the bedroom door in, yelling, screaming, saying crazy things, you name it. I have always had a difficult time controlling my anger when I drink but it had never gotten to a physical level with him before. I saw my mom and stepdad argue in the same manner my whole life growing up and I told myself that would never be me but I didn't do the selfwork I needed to in order to make sure history didn't repeat itself in me. My boyfriend broke up with me that night and confirmed the breakup the next morning. Ithas been a few days since we broke up but we still live together so it is extremely difficult to keep from just wanting to cry everytime I see his face. I take full responsibility for what has happened and for losing him. I want him to give me another chance and there are glimpses where I feel he might consider but then other times when it just feels so cold between us (and rightfully so). I know that working on myself regardless of it we get back together will be essential for my well being and that of a any future relationship. I don't consider myself a heavy drinker, I just don't handle hard liquor well at all and never have. I am more of a daily 1 beer drinking kind of girl. Since the incident I vowed off any alcohol and have kept to that. I do not plan to drink again for quite sometime. I have also started meditating daily which has really helped me find some headspace and calmness. I am doing all of these things to better myself but I do hope that in my ex seeing the changes in me that maybe he will come around to giving us another shot. Do I deserve one? Right now? Probably not...but do I hope with all my might that he keeps the door slightly cracked for us to try again....absolutely. Thank you in advance for any advice you have, I appreciate you taking the time to read this and comment if you feel so inclined.

You are very lucky you didn't get arrested for assault. But it's a matter of time. Has he asked you to leave? Have you considered moving out? As you know at any point he could get a restraining order against you. Hopefully you stay sober and have a job and get therapy and join AA.

Ithas been a few days since we broke up but we still live together.

I commend you for taking responsibility for yourself and your actions and for not making any excuses.

Regarding alcohol, I don't know if you are aware, but some people simply can't drink because it does have a bad chemical reaction that turns them violent. It sounds like this is the case for you. So you really should stop drinking not just for now, but forever because alcohol will never agree with your body chemistry. I mean sure, one beer might be fine, but....if you stop drinking completely it will be for the best and really....you aren't missing anything except out of control rage here. The condition is real and it won't change over your lifetime, but it can get worse and worse with exposure to alcohol to the point where even a small sip can turn you into a raging out of control monster. It's just your body chemistry.

As for the rest, it would be a really good idea for you to actually start seeing a therapist and address your issues with professional help. I think it will help your ex bf see that you are serious about changing and fixing yourself and that this isn't just a temporary remorse situation that will relapse shortly if he takes you back. Meditation is great, but getting actual professional help shows a completely different level of commitment to getting yourself sorted out for good. Of course, nobody can say that he will take you back, but I think you should do it just for yourself and your future, with or without him.

We have overall a very loving relationship but like any couple we have disagreements over the stupidest things that really shouldn't matter.

This is the part of your story that bothers me and is probably the root of your problem. Couples may argue over important things, but when they argue over petty things, there's something more going on. These kinds of fights are about manipulating and control. One person is trying to exert dominance over the other person, to shut that person down, and to make them back off and back down. One of you wants to get their way and only their way in the relationship. And when one of the partners loses their self-confidence and self-esteem, it's emotional abuse.

You said you saw emotional and physical abuse when you were growing up. You could be repeating what you saw when you were young.

So the big question is, who starts the arguments about petty things? If it's you, you probably need to see a therapist or a counselor to address your anger issues and learn how to not make the same mistakes your mom and stepdad did. And, of course, you've got to stay away from alcohol, because it apparently brings out your worse side.

I don't know if you can win your boyfriend back, but getting some professional help about your anger can make you a better person.

Trust me, I fully understand as having been a victim of domestic abuse (in a previous relationship), but no, he has not asked me to leave. He said I can stay as long as I need to but I have started looking for other alternatives to live because I feel that he deserves his space to figure things out. People are entitled to make mistakes right? Not using alcohol as an excuse at all, I just realize the effect it has on my emotions which is why I haven't drank since the incident. I do not need AA as not drinking is something I can easily control I just never have "needed" to before because it so drastically impacted my life/relationship. I have no desire to drink anymore but I appreciate your advice. I agree about therapy and meditating is a form of therapy which I have already starting doing consistently for the past few days. Only time will tell but I intend to stick with not drinking and meditating daily to better my own relationship with myself.

OMG, those were some pretty disturbing things that you did but if that was the first time you did anything like that, then perhaps your ex boyfriend has to cool down and digest what happened. I was quite shocked to read what you did. I am not condoning your behaviour, particularly if you knew you didn't handle alcohol well, but people do make mistakes. Perhaps both of you can sit down and have a civil conversation once you've both had a chance to calm down. I would also suggest AA and therapy. I hope you not only learned a lesson but won't repeat it again. As far as forgiveness is concerned, it all depends on the tolerance level of your ex boyfriend.

Thank you DancingFool for your reply. I do not intend to continue drinking. It really isn't that difficult for me because I don't even like liquor but I'll take it one day at a time for now. I would like to seek out a therapist in conjunction with meditation, it's just rather expensive and seeing as how I am going to try and find a place on my own now....just not sure how I could squeeze that in financially. As soon as I am able though I intend to. Just sucks that one bad decision can really change everything. I am a good woman regardless of this instance. I work fulltime, I clean, I cook, I rub his feet after a long day (as he does for me), I keep in shape, I support him emotionally......but now I need to focus more on MY mental health. Thank you again for taking the time to respond.

I do not need AA as not drinking is something I can easily control .

Over the last weekend we went to a friends art gallery and I drank way too much. I was mixing different liquors and at one point blacked out.

Trust me, I fully understand as having been a victim of domestic abuse (in a previous relationship), but no, he has not asked me to leave. He said I can stay as long as I need to but I have started looking for other alternatives to live because I feel that he deserves his space to figure things out. People are entitled to make mistakes right? Not using alcohol as an excuse at all, I just realize the effect it has on my emotions which is why I haven't drank since the incident. I do not need AA as not drinking is something I can easily control I just never have "needed" to before because it so drastically impacted my life/relationship. I have no desire to drink anymore but I appreciate your advice. I agree about therapy and meditating is a form of therapy which I have already starting doing consistently for the past few days. Only time will tell but I intend to stick with not drinking and meditating daily to better my own relationship with myself.

Sorry for stating the obvious but, apparently, you DO need AA or else this unfortunate incident wouldn't have happened. I think you are fooling yourself saying this.

This is the part of your story that bothers me and is probably the root of your problem. Couples may argue over important things, but when they argue over petty things, there's something more going on. These kinds of fights are about manipulating and control. One person is trying to exert dominance over the other person, to shut that person down, and to make them back off and back down. One of you wants to get their way and only their way in the relationship. And when one of the partners loses their self-confidence and self-esteem, it's emotional abuse.

 

You said you saw emotional and physical abuse when you were growing up. You could be repeating what you saw when you were young.

 

So the big question is, who starts the arguments about petty things? If it's you, you probably need to see a therapist or a counselor to address your anger issues and learn how to not make the same mistakes your mom and stepdad did. And, of course, you've got to stay away from alcohol, because it apparently brings out your worse side.

 

I don't know if you can win your boyfriend back, but getting some professional help about your anger can make you a better person.

Thank you DanZee for your reply. Yeah I saw a lot of abuse and I was victim to some as well in past relationships. I know it all stems from there and something I probably should have addressed within myself along time ago but here I am and just trying to do that bets I can moving forward. The petty things? Usually me but we drop them relatively quickly. He has his downfalls too, I am nobody is perfect right?

I don't have a desire to drink so staying away from alcohol should be an easy one. I'll take it day by day. I do want to see a therapist in conjunction with meditation so when the time is right financially I will. Thank you again.

Sorry for stating the obvious but, apparently, you DO need AA or else this unfortunate incident wouldn't have happened. I think you are fooling yourself saying this.

AA is for people who abuse alcohol. I had a bad incident with alcohol on a single occasion and I barely even drink. If the pattern repeated itself I would understand and be open to that but my issues really lie with anger and self-esteem. So cutting out alcohol so that my anger doesn't get the best of me again and working through my issues is what I feel is best for me at this moment. Thank you for your reply.

OMG, those were some pretty disturbing things that you did but if that was the first time you did anything like that, then perhaps your ex boyfriend has to cool down and digest what happened. I was quite shocked to read what you did. I am not condoning your behaviour, particularly if you knew you didn't handle alcohol well, but people do make mistakes. Perhaps both of you can sit down and have a civil conversation once you've both had a chance to calm down. I would also suggest AA and therapy. I hope you not only learned a lesson but won't repeat it again. As far as forgiveness is concerned, it all depends on the tolerance level of your ex boyfriend.

Yes, this is the first time it escalated to actual contact. We have discussed the incident since in a civil manner....we still live together so it's really hard though. I am just doing the things I need to do for myself moving forward so that this never happens again whether it be in this relationship or just in my life in general. I appreciate your reply.

Unfortunately it doesn't seem so.

One drunken night in my 32 years of life and I need AA? My issues lie in self-esteem and anger so yes drinking can amplify those feelings but I just won't drink. That's what I am saying...it's not hard for me to just not drink.

Do you work? You mentioned moving in together after 6 mos for financial reasons? Check local resources such as hospital etc to if they have free support groups to help with the anger.

One drunken night in my 32 years of life and I need AA? My issues lie in self-esteem and anger so yes drinking can amplify those feelings but I just won't drink. That's what I am saying...it's not hard for me to just not drink.

Please seek professional help to deal with your drinking/anger problem. You do not plan to drink again "for some time"?

Honestly, no, I dont believe he should give you another chance. You assaulted him, and probably caused a scene at this event.

Maybe once you start therapy, and you can invite him to a session... but Id tell him to run.

AA is for people who abuse alcohol. I had a bad incident with alcohol on a single occasion and I barely even drink. If the pattern repeated itself I would understand and be open to that but my issues really lie with anger and self-esteem. So cutting out alcohol so that my anger doesn't get the best of me again and working through my issues is what I feel is best for me at this moment. Thank you for your reply.

your original post says you drink a beer a day. Thats an alcoholic. It may be time to look in the mirror and face some reality.

Thank you DancingFool for your reply. I do not intend to continue drinking. It really isn't that difficult for me because I don't even like liquor but I'll take it one day at a time for now. I would like to seek out a therapist in conjunction with meditation, it's just rather expensive and seeing as how I am going to try and find a place on my own now....just not sure how I could squeeze that in financially. As soon as I am able though I intend to. Just sucks that one bad decision can really change everything. I am a good woman regardless of this instance. I work fulltime, I clean, I cook, I rub his feet after a long day (as he does for me), I keep in shape, I support him emotionally......but now I need to focus more on MY mental health. Thank you again for taking the time to respond.

Then I would suggest that instead of rushing to get out, you should talk to him. Tell him what you want to do and see what he says and whether that can be worked out. It seems to me that although he broke up with you, he is still taking a bit of a wait and see approach rather than just kicking you out with extreme prejudice. Again, you shouldn't get your hopes up that he will take you back, but he might be willing to give you some time to actually get yourself sorted and that might be a better idea than just running so to speak.

That's disturbing...No wonder he ended things. You need to go get help and he needs to stay away from you. Work on those anger issues for one thing.

Well, once you start punching your partner, breaking doors, screaming, you're generally and hopefully going to lose them forever. Does it mean you never again deserve a happy relationship? Of course not. But you won't ever with him. Do not talk to him about it. Do what [relative to the circumstances] a decent human being would do in your shoes and find the quickest and most peaceful way to bounce out of his life. No one here would advise a man who did what you did to so much as approach their partner, never mind fancy themselves in any position to pitch a sale. And all of that rightfully so.

The goose is cooked. Only 1.5 years, no marriage. No kids. You don't even have a bad excuse to impose yourself any further on his life. Get the help you need. Stop blaming alcohol. Meditation is about 1/50th of the effort someone who conducted themselves as you did. With the appropriate respect to the magnitude of your actions and a proportionate effort to address them, you can heal and develop. I nor anyone else gains anything from that not happening. Wishing you the best for the sake of all parties. I don't use an abrasive tone to suggest you're an evil person or that you're not redeemable for your actions, but to emphasize what you did to people can and should preclude your continued presence in their lives, or at the very least within their quarters.

I don't consider myself a heavy drinker, I just don't handle hard liquor well at all and never have.

With this apparently happening more than once, I'm not sure how you can truly commit to staying away from alcohol? Either way, something to think about.

I'm glad you have stopped drinking,but you need to do it forever. Obviously, you have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, and your behavior is scary. I hope you are stopping for yourself and not him.

Trust me, I fully understand as having been a victim of domestic abuse (in a previous relationship), but no, he has not asked me to leave. He said I can stay as long as I need to but I have started looking for other alternatives to live because I feel that he deserves his space to figure things out. People are entitled to make mistakes right? Not using alcohol as an excuse at all, I just realize the effect it has on my emotions which is why I haven't drank since the incident. I do not need AA as not drinking is something I can easily control I just never have "needed" to before because it so drastically impacted my life/relationship. I have no desire to drink anymore but I appreciate your advice. I agree about therapy and meditating is a form of therapy which I have already starting doing consistently for the past few days. Only time will tell but I intend to stick with not drinking and meditating daily to better my own relationship with myself.

I do mediratation and it is not therapy. You should deal with your issues with a professional

Some tough love:

Over the last weekend we went to a friends art gallery and I drank way too much. I was mixing different liquors and at one point blacked out.

 

I don't consider myself a heavy drinker, I just don't handle hard liquor well at all and never have. I am more of a daily 1 beer drinking kind of girl. Since the incident I vowed off any alcohol and have kept to that. I do not plan to drink again for quite sometime.

You, my friend, are in denial. If you know you can't handle hard liquor well, why are you not only drinking it but mixing different liquors to a point you are blacking out? Not only this but you seem to know already that you can't handle it... which means you have had previous experiences that have brought you to this place. Which means you, for whatever reason, chose to engage in self-destructive behavior without consideration to the potential consequences... not only to yourself and your BF but to your friends and family.

You don't have to be an alcoholic to have a substance misuse problem. Any sort of self-medication taken to the extreme where it starts to impact your life negatively is a problem.

I have also started meditating daily which has really helped me find some headspace and calmness. I am doing all of these things to better myself but I do hope that in my ex seeing the changes in me that maybe he will come around to giving us another shot.

You seem to intellectually know why you do these things but it doesn't sound like you have really addressed the triggers or the feelings around why you do. Meditation is a wonderful way to augment work you are already doing but it isn't going to fix the underlying problem. Therapy, counselling, coaching, treatment, whatever you want to do... deeper work is needed if you want to overcome these problems and be a better person.

Do you work? You mentioned moving in together after 6 mos for financial reasons? Check local resources such as hospital etc to if they have free support groups to help with the anger.

Yes, it is a long story but previous roommate bailed on our last lease so I had to scramble. I work fulltime, I make good money just wasn't expecting a life altering circumstance out of the blue. I'll look into that, thank you.

I do mediratation and it is not therapy. You should deal with your issues with a professional

Meditation is a form of therapy whether it be alone or in compliment to professional counseling.