Girlfriend talking to her ex

So basically my gf of 5 months left a relationship of over 1 year, she had already taken a fancy to me and we had known each other for a while. She was feeling taken for granted with her ex. So I guess she left her ex for me which might mean she would do the same to me someday. I know they had a serious relationship and had talked about marriage.

I knew he had been messaging her when we started seeing each other.

I suppose insecurity got the better of me and I had an opportunity to read their messages on a lap top. (FB messenger) Im not proud of this but I can't go back.

A couple of months after they broke up, she had sent him a heartfelt message about how it pained her they could not be together. She was saying she needed to "work on herself" (excuse) she told him she hoped he'd find someone else to make him happy. But also said she hoped they'd get back together someday!

Shortly after that he found out she was with me and he sent her a message telling her she'd blown her chances of getting back together. She was telling him we weren't in a relationship, and it meant nothing. She seemed to get quite angry. He said he could no longer promise anything and said goodbye. Her reply was "ttfn" (ta ta for now)

There was a month or so with no contact, then he messaged her happy bday. She seemed glad to talk to him and was responding instantly.

He asked did she feel like working things out, she said not right now but if she "figured out what she wanted she would tell him" They exchanged "i love yous"! He said he missed her, she said she missed him too! But she also said she didnt regret leaving him and hoped he'd find someone special. He asked her were we in a relationship and she adamantly denied it to him even though I'd changed my Facebook to show "in a relationship" instead of single. She agreed but hid it so no one can see it. She told me she didn't want to hurt her ex any more.

That was the last convo 3 months after we got together. We had already said I love you to each other. And as far as I'm concerned we were in a relationship at that point.

So she hid her relationship status and told her ex if she figures out what she wants" shed tell him.

I also get the feeling she is hiding us to some extent. Never posts anything on social media but she did with her ex.

So it looks like she is keeping him in orbit incase we don't work out! .

That last convo was 2 months ago so I don't know what's on her mind. I asked her a few days ago were we bf and gf and she said of course, and that she is very happy.

Do I play this out as it was from some time ago or do I bail?

Hello buddy,

Really sorry this has happened. You know you shouldn't have read the messages, but as you say, can't go back in time.

What you should do now though is walk away from her.

I think deep down you know this.

The problem when someone monkey branches from one relationship straight into the next without a pause is exactly what you are dealing with - there is going to be some unfinished business and overlap going on. Since what you found was shortly after they had broken up, it was kind of to be expected. If they haven't been talking since, you really have only two options - trust her that the past is in the past and enjoy the present with her or dump her because you can't trust her.

What made you feel insecure and prompted you to start digging after 5 months?

There is nothing worth playing out here. You are her rebound until she meets the next guy she wants to date seriously, or decides to take her ex back.

She is dishonest and was (and likely still is) keeping her options open. The level of disrespect she has shown you and your relationship would be a dealbreaker for me. Granted, you knew she was this type going into this. She's showing you she hasn't changed a bit.

Abort mission. This isn't going to end well for you if you stick around.

Sorry to hear this. Don't get caught in the crossfire of their on/off games. It sounds like they use people as pawns to get each other jealous. Step out of this mess. After 5 mos of this nonsense, why risk the heartache? Cut your losses and find decent women who won't slither around back and forth between guys. You can do much better than this.

Shortly after that he found out she was with me and he sent her a message telling her she'd blown her chances of getting back together. She was telling him we weren't in a relationship, and it meant nothing. I also get the feeling she is hiding us to some extent. Never posts anything on social media but she did with her ex.

I guess I am insecure because last time I dated someone so soon out of a relationship I found she was still meeting him in bars etc. That was only 1 month. Much more invested here.

Would I be a rebound even though she was the dumper, already knew me and had feelings for me when she left him?

I wasn't just a random stranger that she pulled

She says she loves me and always wants to spend time with me.

But its as if shes got the ex on tbe backburner and playing down our relationship to him maybe to make it easier to get back with him?

The real problem here is not her messages with her ex, which are basically standard issue for two people with some unresolved business. Doesn’t reallly sound like they’re getting back together, just still circling the drain a bit. If you get into something with someone fresh out of something, you’ve got to kind of have a stomach for that and some faith that it all works out.

The problem is what lead you to snoop: you’re not happy, feeling edgy and insecure. That’s no way to be inside a relationship, especially at 5 months, which is when the butterflies are supposed to give way to security.

And, given what you’ve found, that insecurity is only going to magnify. She’s wobbly—too wobbly, really, to be anything. She’s not respecting it, not celebrating it. Probably you’ve sensed this—it’s that little itch you’ve been hoping would vanish in time. Well, time has passed and you’re iticher. Keep ignoring it and you’ll find yourself covered in a rash.

At this point I’d say it’s time to cut losses. You deserve better—and, hey, maybe it’s her when she works some sh*t out. But the way this will go? You’re on a path to being clingy (“Are we bf/gf?”) which isn’t a cute look.

The real problem here is not her messages with her ex, which are basically standard issue for two people with some unresolved business. Doesn’t reallly sound like they’re getting back together, just still circling the drain a bit. If you get into something with someone fresh out of something, you’ve got to kind of have a stomach for that and some faith that it all works out.

 

The problem is what lead you to snoop: you’re not happy, feeling edgy and insecure. That’s no way to be inside a relationship, especially at 5 months, which is when the butterflies are supposed to give way to security.

 

And, given what you’ve found, that insecurity is only going to magnify. She’s wobbly—too wobbly, really, to be anything. She’s not respecting it, not celebrating it. Probably you’ve sensed this—it’s that little itch you’ve been hoping would vanish in time. Well, time has passed and you’re iticher. Keep ignoring it and you’ll find yourself covered in a rash.

 

At this point I’d say it’s time to cut losses. You deserve better—and, hey, maybe it’s her when she works some sh*t out. But the way this will go? You’re on a path to being clingy (“Are we bf/gf?”) which isn’t a cute look.

So why not cut the ex off if she's done with him?

I only asked once are we bf/gf as we have never had the exclusivity talk. And I just wanted to know what she was thinking

She is in love with her ex. You are a rebound.

You need to end this.

She's not done with him. Why no exclusive talk?

So why not cut the ex off if she's done with him? we have never had the exclusivity talk.

She's not done with him. Why no exclusive talk?

They have exchanged I love you.

"In love with her ex" As bad as that? I thought he was more of a back up.

"In love with her ex" As bad as that? I thought he was more of a back up.

No, that would be you.

You're the back up.

So why not cut the ex off if she's done with him?

 

I only asked once are we bf/gf as we have never had the exclusivity talk. And I just wanted to know what she was thinking

Why not, indeed? That's for her to answer, not me.

I won't go so far as to say you're the backup, or that he is, or any of that. But, yeah, the whole thing is messy, too messy.

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