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Thread: I'm in love with a woman who is not my wife. What should I do?

  1. #41
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    Originally Posted by Pablo360
    Yes, she is.
    There you go. At least your wish of a Japanese wife came true :).

  2. #42
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Mari
    Ok, in that case I'll put in my two cents.

    It seems to me that the secret person that Manami was in love with is you. Both of you never ended up in the same city at the right time. Most of her life she's gone from one high end position to another high end position. Times that she has wanted to meet you have appeared to you as weird. She wanted to see you in Texas but felt guilty for you coming out and not getting much time with her. She said that and you took it as a lack of interest. She took it as it was not worth it for you to see her since you were getting little time with her. The time in Boston she may have been too busy for a relationship at Harvard so it was not a time to get started.

    She spent much of her time pursuing career and now that it's coming to a close she's realizing she chose career over you, and over having a good relationship. When she says she's liberal and doesn't care about the ring she doesn't mean take her to bed. She means she was willing to see you to see what would happen despite you being married. You are, however, married. So you two went from being too distant in terms of location, not available in terms of time, to you being married and locked in a relationship. At this point if you divorced your wife it would have to be because you don't want to be with her. Not because you want to be with Manami. There is a very real chance that even if you were single now, things would not work out with Manami or that 2 years into the relationship you may feel that she's just too busy too often. The feelings you have right now are stronger because you feel like you missed out. If you were actually with her and that relationship ran it's course with her focusing on her studies and not having much time, you would be very happy that you met your wife. On the other hand, if you didn't meet your wife, it may be that Manami is now looking for a spouse and may have enough time to devote towards a relationship. I don't see her as someone that's manipulative. I think she chose career and now is realizing what it cost her. I say all this based on the story you told me. You may have details you haven't told me that would change my response. If you think you can treat your wife well, then be with her, get over Manami and enjoy your life. If you're going to give your wife a bad marriage because you just can't stop thinking about Manami for the next 20 years, you may need to talk to your wife and see what she would like as options. It is possible to be in love with two people and only be with one. You need to see where you can do the most good.
    I see no clue in anything he wrote that she has has any type of feeling for him. Not even friendship. She seems not to care about the OP at all. Maybe she's flattered by his almost decade long obsession (yes, obsession) but anything more than that is reaching. We're probably not reading the same thread.

  3. #43
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Pablo360
    I'm waiting a bit more before starting with my responses, but there is something that I would like to make absolutely clear: I will never, ever divorce my wife over this and that thought has never, ever crossed my mind. The point of that last conversation I requested is simply to ease the process of achieving peace with everything that happened. One way or another I'll make every effort to end contact before the end of the year (of course, my own process to get over it, which will involve professional help, will take longer). But even if I do meet Manami in a few weeks and she says that she has been secretly loving me all this time or that she has just realized she actually feels something for me (she won't because it's not true) I will probably just smile sadly, shrug and say "pity, we could have been great". My intention is to make every effort to leave this behind and focus on my marriage.
    Why do you need to wait for the end of the year? Why not cutting contact right now? This meeting you're pursuing with her for "closure" is just an excuse for you to stay connected to her and because you secretly hope she'll reciprocate. You should've went no contact many years ago. You've been procrastinating the unavoidable.

  4. #44
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    You can't possibly be. Check yourself before you spoil things

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  6. #45
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    Sounds to me very typical. Man gets Married, man has lust, man indulges, man gets shocked he's in trouble, mans wife all of a sudden not the one. (I'm speaking in cave man accent). You've already betrayed your wife right? This woman has no respect for your vows. The devil knows our weaknesses. Cheating isn't my personal weakness. Depression is. So that's what he plays on.

    Clearly you now know (or have always known) that even though you entered into a covenant perhaps you didn't really understand or take the actual vows to heart. Are you brave enough to share this with your wife?

    What should you do? You should place yourself in your wives shoes. What If she went to Disney holding arms and more? It would destroy you. This other woman, believe it or not..you will grow tired of her too. Than you will blame her for your first divorce. Make sense?

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