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Thread: I'm in love with a woman who is not my wife. What should I do?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    I'd rephrase it more accurately as in love with a fantasy. I do think that your creative mind kind of needs that fantasy, a muse of sorts. So I'd suggest that you frame your mind around that and remember to live in the real world and not let it pass you by as you pine over what doesn't actually exist but for in your head. I mean yes, Manami is a real person, except that she is a person you don't really know all that well at all. You've literally built this very romantic fantasy about her...but that's not love, OP, even if it feels like. It's more like an addiction. It's exciting, makes your heart beat faster, but it also takes away from your real life just any drug does and if you allow this to continue, eventually it will simply drain you and destroy your marriage, your wife, your real life. Maybe figure out other sources for creative inspiration and that adrenaline rush that doesn't involve another woman. Plenty out there to choose from and ultimately will be better, more exciting and more sustainable in the long run. As for the addiction, only cure is cold turkey. No more meetings, no more talks. Delete contact and choose to do so. God knows she has rejected you enough. Time for you to accept it and move on.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    It seems to me that the secret person that Manami was in love with is you
    Be accountable for that Mari if this man believes you and destroys his life over that phrase. It's far from the truth and he has ruined enough of his life over desperately wanting to believe that.

    Manami had her chance, in fact, many many chances. She did not care. He even disclosed to her how he loved her and wanted her, she showed no reciprocation at all, and in fact, went on to tell him about another man she felt that way for.
    If that's not a slap in the face, I don't know what is.

    If he believes you and ends his marriage and continues to chase Manami and she STILL rejects him and he ends up destroyed or even suicidal, you can thank yourself for adding fuel to his desperate addiction.

  3. #23
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    This is the problem people marry the wrong person because of there desires, everyone will always tell you to hide your, feelings, most likely your feelings for this other lady will not go away at.
    is marriage by force.
    How can you have a successful marriage your heart is not there at all.
    So, you should tell your wife, the truth and contact the other women and express to her how you are feeling.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    contact the other women and express to her how you are feeling.
    He did. She told him she understands because she has or had feelings like that for another man. She did not reciprocate the feelings back.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Be accountable for that Mari if this man believes you and destroys his life over that phrase. It's far from the truth and he has ruined enough of his life over desperately wanting to believe that.

    Manami had her chance, in fact, many many chances. She did not care. He even disclosed to her how he loved her and wanted her, she showed no reciprocation at all, and in fact, went on to tell him about another man she felt that way for.
    If that's not a slap in the face, I don't know what is.

    If he believes you and ends his marriage and continues to chase Manami and she STILL rejects him and he ends up destroyed or even suicidal, you can thank yourself for adding fuel to his desperate addiction.
    I agree that if the information is wrong there are serious consequences. This is why I put in a disclaimer that the advice is based on the current story. In his story he says:
    I asked if she wanted to be my girlfriend (I know, way too aggressive). She replied, that if I lived in the US itíd be an immediate yes, but since I didnít, she asked for a few days to think about it.
    and at the hotel she kisses him back for a second. So from the time she says this and till after he's married she's still attracted to him. Also when she says he has a special place in her heart that would also mean she's pretty interested. Now, if there's new information on this mystery guy, or when she says she feared rejection knowing that he loved her could mean a new guy as opposed to him saying no when he started dating, then yes. That would be a totally different guy and he's just been a friend she was attracted to but not in love with. Need more details. Bottom line though is if he's not going to treat the wife well and go chasing after her then why is he married to her? If she reciprocated the kiss and it went further would he just divorce his wife right there? If he can treat his wife well, stay married. If not then divorce, and then maybe Manami. If he's going to keep thinking Manami all the time then whether or not he gets Manami, he isn't going to be able to make his wife happy. His wife is going to need options on how to break up, so it's easy for her, assuming Manami stays in his head. But if it's possible to be in love with Manami and his wife then stay married and treat the wife well. Some people can do this, others cannot.

  7. #26
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    Did she know you were married??

  8. #27

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    Originally Posted by Mari
    I agree that if the information is wrong there are serious consequences. This is why I put in a disclaimer that the advice is based on the current story. In his story he says:


    and at the hotel she kisses him back for a second. So from the time she says this and till after he's married she's still attracted to him. Also when she says he has a special place in her heart that would also mean she's pretty interested. Now, if there's new information on this mystery guy, or when she says she feared rejection knowing that he loved her could mean a new guy as opposed to him saying no when he started dating, then yes. That would be a totally different guy and he's just been a friend she was attracted to but not in love with. Need more details. Bottom line though is if he's not going to treat the wife well and go chasing after her then why is he married to her? If she reciprocated the kiss and it went further would he just divorce his wife right there? If he can treat his wife well, stay married. If not then divorce, and then maybe Manami. If he's going to keep thinking Manami all the time then whether or not he gets Manami, he isn't going to be able to make his wife happy. His wife is going to need options on how to break up, so it's easy for her, assuming Manami stays in his head. But if it's possible to be in love with Manami and his wife then stay married and treat the wife well. Some people can do this, others cannot.
    I'm waiting a bit more before starting with my responses, but there is something that I would like to make absolutely clear: I will never, ever divorce my wife over this and that thought has never, ever crossed my mind. The point of that last conversation I requested is simply to ease the process of achieving peace with everything that happened. One way or another I'll make every effort to end contact before the end of the year (of course, my own process to get over it, which will involve professional help, will take longer). But even if I do meet Manami in a few weeks and she says that she has been secretly loving me all this time or that she has just realized she actually feels something for me (she won't because it's not true) I will probably just smile sadly, shrug and say "pity, we could have been great". My intention is to make every effort to leave this behind and focus on my marriage.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by teresahen
    This is the problem people marry the wrong person because of there desires, everyone will always tell you to hide your, feelings, most likely your feelings for this other lady will not go away at.
    is marriage by force.
    How can you have a successful marriage your heart is not there at all.
    So, you should tell your wife, the truth and contact the other women and express to her how you are feeling.
    Its not about marrying the wrong person - its not allowing life to be lead by your wiener. we don't know if they met after he was already married or he married somewhere in the middle unless i missed it. When you marry, you forsake all others, including but not limited to, not going on dates with people other than your spouse, putting your spouse's well being ahead of others - in other words, reducing any chance of temptation. you "choose" your spouse when you marry them. You don't hide that you are married, even if its by omission. Any friend you can't introduce to your spouse/are hiding from them is an inappropriate friendship

  10. #29
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    It comes down to this, and it is very simple...this woman had years and years and years to scoop you up, so to speak, if she thought you were "the one" or thought you were worth it.

    She walked away, every single time.

    How much more do you need to know?

  11. #30

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    We met 5 years before I got married. She knew I was married the moment it happened.

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