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Thread: I'm in love with a woman who is not my wife. What should I do?

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by DanZee
    I think you are missing a big part of what was going on here. In Japanese culture, it's not polite to tell someone "no," or to turn someone down. Manami could not tell you to leave her alone or to break things off. This is why her answers seemed vague to you or why you wouldn't hear from her until you texted her. If you were Japanese, you would understand that she was turning you down. The story about her boss in a good example of what happens in Japan. A lot of bosses will push themselves onto young women, especially by using their position of authority, and a young lady has to be diplomatic in rebuking their advances and to not lose her job at the same time. She basically equated what you have been doing to her for 9 years to the scenario with her boss.

    Look, the bottom line is she doesn't love you. She never loved you. She was only being polite as her culture dictates. In the US, and I'm sure in your own country, women are somewhat more direct although there are still instances where they don't speak their minds in a relationship. But Manami was only being polite to you and you should stop forcing yourself on her and give your wife the respect she deserves instead of trying to cheat on her.
    I was not aware of this in Japanese culture but I'm sorry to say, that aside this woman is a user and a player. I think it's a very different situation with a boss where she has to appease him and keep the peace. This is just a friendship though and for most of it Manami and OP have been apart, even in different locations. So she didn't have to contact him or meet him at all if she wasn't interested in him romantically. She knew from day one that he was crazy about her because OP let his feelings be known straight away. If she was truly a nice person, she would have just cut contact with him. Also let's get real here, it's been nine years. She is obviously attractive and appealing. No offense but you'd have to be deluded to think that she wasn't getting attention or dating other guys all that time. I think she knew exactly what she was doing and she enjoyed doing it. While she may not have felt that she can outright reject due to her culture, she didn't have to reach out to OP herself. I mean, she knew it wasn't just friendship and she is not dumb, trust me. This is someone who knows how to keep a guy on a tight leash.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    I agree with you, Tinydancer. There is gaming playing on her end. And I think OP needs to wise up to the fact that he's jumping for someone who enjoys toying with his emotions like she does.
    Someone of integrity would not ask out for drinks a man who has been pining for her, as soon as she finds out he's married.
    Someone of integrity would not say things like ' I'm very liberal, your ring means nothing to me' to that man.

    The whole thing stinks of an atmosphere of disrespect. And rather than being turned off by how gross this whole thing is, OP is lapping it up like a fool and disrespecting a woman who he chose to marry.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    She is a fantasy. You barely know her. Get rid of the fantasy and start living the reality.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Annia
    She is a fantasy. You barely know her. Get rid of the fantasy and start living the reality.
    Exactly.

    I'm not even sure this whole story merits any criticism of this woman—as a player, as a user—because to read through it she is hardly a person in OP's eyes. Maybe a 16-year-old girl would be flattered at this portrayal, but most adult women I know would be offended to be painted as, at best, a doll.

    She is, with all due respect OP, a character you've invented to fuel a romantic tragedy that brings you a sense of comfort: the comfort of control, the comfort of potential, the comfort of fantasy—only you can say. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess you enjoyed writing this post—it feels a bit like an art project, or, well, a K-pop song. It keeps reality at bay under the guise of confronting reality.

    Reality: you've hardly interacted with her in nearly a decade, latching onto the smallest glimmers of connection, running them through the magnifying glass of your imagination, editing out the parts that don't support the loftiest of fantasies, and then reveling in the story. People do a lot of this these days, especially with social media around to warp our lenses. That she has never been quite "real" to you, I think, is what allows the story to feel so real.

    I don't mean to negate what you feel—that's real. But "real" is not always "healthy," and these feelings you're describing are more self-generated than her-generated. She's the vessel, and I'd challenge you to try to see it that way. It's not as romantic, I know. It's a harsher light, and we all look a little better in dim rooms, where the wrinkles are hidden and anything is possible. But if you allow your eyes to adjust to that harsher light, you'll find yourself feeling better, able to live in reality. Lots of possibilities there too.

    That reality includes a wife. She is a real person—and, as you say, a wonderful person. Is she the wonderful person for you? Can you honor her wonderful qualities? Can you pour this romantic energy inside you into her, and what you guys share, rather than another outlet? That should be your focus right now, not this story.

    I get where you're coming from, I do. I'm prone to magical thinking, romanticizing, and there are a number of people in my past—brief romances, almost romances—that flutter around in the imagination and sometimes rock me around a bit. They're fun to think about because they never quite crossed that threshold into the real. They are the paths not taken, and in never taking them there is none of the stuff (a boring dinner, bills to pay, a lull in sex, etc.) that muddies the actual path.

    Except, thing is? Reality is actually the only thing, and confronting it—paying that bill, figuring out what's up in bed, getting divorced if there's not another plausible option—is where we find the real gems. This, what you've written a little novella describing? It's sand through fingers that you're calling a diamond. See it as that and you'll find peace.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    She told me about this guy she’d been in love with for many years, in silence, for fear she would be rejected. She told me she knew exactly what it felt like. She said she had recently decided it was in her best interest to let that fixation go and maybe I should do the same with regard to her.
    Wow..what a huge ego!! She obviously doesn't care a bit about you it's more than obvious she never did. You not only wasted time but made a fool out of yourself.
    This woman never cared and what's worse, she strung you along.

    If you ever had a chance with her, it would have been when you were single...even then, SHE STILL DID NOT WANT YOU.

    Get some sense here. You're wasting your life over someone who is not worth it and does not see you as anything special. She used you for an ego boost.

    If you can't gain control, then at least leave your wife and get some therapy. This has gone on far too long and it was never reciprocated.
    Last edited by SherrySher; 11-13-2018 at 01:36 PM.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    This woman is also not your real friend because she's just been using you all these years. A real friend would just tell you straight away: "Sorry, I'm not into you and nothing will happen" and allow you to move on.
    Absolutely! A person who actually cares about your well being and your feelings would have been completely honest so as to not cause false hope or lead you on.
    And I know what you're thinking..."oh, maybe she did that because she wasn't sure of her feelings"...nope...she knew what was what. She enjoyed having a fan/follower and didn't care if it hurt you or not.
    She's not a thoughtful person, she is up her own behind and you are ruining your life over it.

    And what of your poor wife? How do you sleep at night knowing you are fantasizing about someone when you have a wonderful woman who loves and trusts you right next to your side?
    Did you just use her as a way to get over Manami?
    If anyone deserves the adoration you give to a false phony,..it's your wife. It sounds like your wife has been loyal and loving. If you can't love her like you do Manami, then let her go so another man can.

    I think more than anything, you need personal counselling asap.

  8. #17
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    I've noticed you only started the thread and didn't respond to anyone else. Are you still reading this thread?

  9. #18
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    Why would you get married to someone when you have feelings for someone else? you have spent a lot of time chasing after someone that hasnt shown a significant interest.. you might need some professional help.
    No contact with this woman now that you are married. If you want to stay friends with her, you have to come clean to your wife, and your wife has to approve of the contact.
    Or you can leave your wife for a woman that really hasnt shown much interest in you in 5 years.

  10. #19

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    Originally Posted by Mari
    I've noticed you only started the thread and didn't respond to anyone else. Are you still reading this thread?
    Yes, I am still reading. Just trying to reflect on everything I'm reading. Also, she has not responded. I will certainly reply to all those who took the time to read and provide their advice :)

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by Pablo360
    Yes, I am still reading. Just trying to reflect on everything I'm reading. Also, she has not responded. I will certainly reply to all those who took the time to read and provide their advice :)
    Ok, in that case I'll put in my two cents.

    It seems to me that the secret person that Manami was in love with is you. Both of you never ended up in the same city at the right time. Most of her life she's gone from one high end position to another high end position. Times that she has wanted to meet you have appeared to you as weird. She wanted to see you in Texas but felt guilty for you coming out and not getting much time with her. She said that and you took it as a lack of interest. She took it as it was not worth it for you to see her since you were getting little time with her. The time in Boston she may have been too busy for a relationship at Harvard so it was not a time to get started.

    She spent much of her time pursuing career and now that it's coming to a close she's realizing she chose career over you, and over having a good relationship. When she says she's liberal and doesn't care about the ring she doesn't mean take her to bed. She means she was willing to see you to see what would happen despite you being married. You are, however, married. So you two went from being too distant in terms of location, not available in terms of time, to you being married and locked in a relationship. At this point if you divorced your wife it would have to be because you don't want to be with her. Not because you want to be with Manami. There is a very real chance that even if you were single now, things would not work out with Manami or that 2 years into the relationship you may feel that she's just too busy too often. The feelings you have right now are stronger because you feel like you missed out. If you were actually with her and that relationship ran it's course with her focusing on her studies and not having much time, you would be very happy that you met your wife. On the other hand, if you didn't meet your wife, it may be that Manami is now looking for a spouse and may have enough time to devote towards a relationship. I don't see her as someone that's manipulative. I think she chose career and now is realizing what it cost her. I say all this based on the story you told me. You may have details you haven't told me that would change my response. If you think you can treat your wife well, then be with her, get over Manami and enjoy your life. If you're going to give your wife a bad marriage because you just can't stop thinking about Manami for the next 20 years, you may need to talk to your wife and see what she would like as options. It is possible to be in love with two people and only be with one. You need to see where you can do the most good.

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