I'm in love with a woman who is not my wife. What should I do?

Hello. I am deeply in love with someone else who does not feel the same way about me. For the long story, please read below.

Year 1: A few years ago, halfway through a master’s degree, I had to quit school and work because I came down with panic and anxiety attacks. Some time after leaving school, a friend of mine told me about a seminar she attended. You just needed to apply and, if selected, they would give you an all-expenses paid trip to the US to attend. I applied and got it.

That’s where I first saw her. She was from Japan and her name was Manami. She gave me stomach butterflies from the very start and was very nice and fun to talk to. She did tell me that she had a boyfriend, but she did not seem too happy about that.

At some point I told her that I intended to spend one day at Disneyland and she agreed to come with me. When we went, she asked to hold my arm while we went through one of the rides and did a couple more things that I thought might be flirting. So at the end of the first night, I told her I wanted to show her some of my music (I’m an amateur musician) and she came to my room. We had a very deep conversation that night and finished at like 3 AM. However, I did not try anything, because she had a boyfriend.

We said good-bye to each other a couple days after that. She promised me we would be long-term friends. I realized I was in love with her. And she gave me the spark I needed to retake control of my life.

She and I exchanged some emails through the rest of the year. In one of them she told me about her breakup. The spark grew into a flame.

Year 2: One day, in February, I saw her online and I said hi. This led into an awesome phone conversation. This happened a couple more times, always resulting in an awesome talk into the late hours of the night. I still felt in love and I had to do something.

I formulated a plan: I would spend the summer learning her favorite song (a K-Pop tune she showed me in California) and recording a cover version in a professional studio. Then I would give it to her as a gift and confess my feelings over a video call.

This actually happened and I could tell she was really excited and touched. Then I told her about my feelings for her and, believe it or not, I asked if she wanted to be my girlfriend (I know, way too aggressive). She replied, that if I lived in the US it’d be an immediate yes, but since I didn’t, she asked for a few days to think about it.

That’s where it all went downhill. After a few days I asked if she had a decision, and she gave me a vague answer of not being sure yet. Later, she stopped responding. Then I realized it: I had alienated her and I had probably lost her trust and friendship.

I prepared some gifts for her and sent them along with a letter to her college mailbox. It was basically me apologizing for what had happened and asking if friendship was still available. She sent me a brief message on FB thanking me for the gifts and saying that friendship was still on. However, my next email went unreplied. I seriously thought chances were that, despite her assurances to the contrary, the friendship was done.

Year 3: One day, a massive earthquake hit my city. I received a message from her. She seemed really scared and was asking me to please give her a sign that I was well. I was very happy to know that she still cared enough for me to ask about my well-being. This was how we resumed contact.

Some time after that, she broke some very impactful news: she had been accepted at a graduate program at Harvard. I was happy for her but also a little troubled. I felt jealous of the super smart and accomplished men that would surely pursue her.

In October, I wrote saying I was going to visit NYC for the first time on Thanksgiving and asked her if she wanted to hang out with me during those days. She came back saying yes, she would love to spend that evening with me!

Seeing her again was like a dream come true. After dinner we went back to my hotel room: I told her I had a surprise: I wrote my first English language song inspired by her. She was so touched that she was actually in tears. Then I asked her if I could kiss her. She said yes, so I did. We spoke some more and then she went back to her hotel room.

We’d agreed to meet the next day (before she took her train back to Boston). It took 2 or 3 calls before she picked up the phone. She told me she was going out with friends to sightsee and that I was welcome to join. I did, but something had changed. I felt that she was not too happy to see me. Maybe she just wanted to hang out with a friend the night before. Instead, I just treated her to an overwhelming display of emotion and drama. Again, I felt I’d blown it. I sent her a few emails after that. Most went unreplied.

Year 4: In April, I received a call from an international business school in Boston that saw the results of my GRE test and were interested in interviewing me. After the process, they made their offer: 40% scholarship to join that September. I took it and started fantasizing of the day I’d break the news to Manami…in person.

The meeting was disappointing to say the least. She did not seem to care much for the fact that we were living in the same city. However, we later had a follow up meeting for dinner and drinks and it was loads of fun.

Towards the end of December, I asked her out for dinner and she did not reply. I went back to being all depressed about it and thought again that things had not quite been the same after New York. I beat myself up over this to no end.

Year 5: I saw Manami only a couple of times before the end of my one-year MBA. Both times, she was polite, but somewhat distant.

Then, I met my now wife. We met during a networking event and started dating. When I could see the moment to start a relationship getting closer, I thought that it might make sense to get closure with Manami before moving on. I contacted her again and she told me she was in Texas finishing an internship. I offered to visit.

At first she seemed excited at the prospect. But then I started receiving weird messages. First she said that she would not have the whole weekend to spend with me. The third time she sent a message along those lines, I just let it go. I would just move on to my new relationship. Later, I got married.

Year 6: I was browsing facebook one night and looking at people’s comments on the wedding photos. Soon enough I saw one from her. Weeks later, for the first time in her life, she sent me a message without me contacting her first, congratulating me. Some time later, she asked me out for drinks. This was too tempting so I said yes.

The conversation was weird. She started telling me about a married boss of hers that tried to take her to bed and she resisted. Then she said things like “I’m very liberal, I don’t care for that ring in your hand”. At some point, after too much drinking, I tried to kiss her. I know, despicable, but please don’t judge me.

She kissed back for a second, but then she pulled back. I tried a couple of times more, but she would not let me. She even made fun of me saying “if I resisted my boss, what makes you think I’d let you do it?”. I apologized for insisting and we kept on talking as if nothing happened.

I felt really bad the following morning and did not tell my wife. I decided it would be unwise and unethical to call Manami again and made a very sincere commitment to myself to not do it again.

Years 7, 8 and 9: The following year, towards the end of the winter, I again was tempted and I called her. Maybe I just missed the adrenaline rush she usually gave me, I don’t know. The first time, she seemed pretty distrustful. However, we met a few more times over the next couple of years and they went well. It think I managed to regain some of her trust, but not all. After a couple years, she moved to NYC to take a job offer.

A few weeks ago, when I texted, she told me that she ran into some visa problems that may or may not be resolved. I offered to go see her in NYC to take her out for dinner to help her forget her problems for a while. Although the situation ended up being resolved, we still kept the dinner appointment.

The evening started out very well. We had a pretty nice conversation but I realized at some point that this could not continue. I realized that this was going absolutely nowhere. I reminded myself of how unethical and unfair to my wife this was. But most importantly I understood that was still pretty much in love with her.

So I told her that I felt this was the second to last time we would see each other because there was just one more thing that I wanted to do with her (taking her to a concert, but I didn’t say that). I also told her that, unfortunately, I still loved her and that I didn’t quite know why.

I expected her to be surprised, but she wasn’t. She told me about this guy she’d been in love with for many years, in silence, for fear she would be rejected. She told me she knew exactly what it felt like. She said she had recently decided it was in her best interest to let that fixation go and maybe I should do the same with regard to her.

She also said that she felt guilty, because maybe she had let this story go on for too long and that the reason she had is that I have a special place in her heart, just like I told her she had a special place in mine. And she said that if I needed one last meeting to get proper closure, she would be glad to give it to me. She said that day she’d give me all the time I needed to make sure I got closure and moved on. We agreed to meet one last time, in a few months. Then we parted ways.

Trying to end it as soon as possible, I sent her an email telling her that I would like to have that last conversation before the year ends and I proposed a few dates. She says she’ll respond today, but I’m dreading now that she may have said it just to evade the situation and that maybe her intention is to just disappear like she did a couple times in the past.

But I do feel I need this conversation. There’s so many things I’d like to ask her. I’d like to know why I tried my best for years, but failed miserably. And many, many other things.

My problem / question:

How do I get rid of my feelings?? This is unfair to everyone involved, most importantly my wife. I keep reading stories online of men and women who love someone who is not their spouse (many times, unrequitedly). I thought I had matured but here I am, where I was in my early 20’s, begging her to spend time with me and fearful to even look at my phone or email for fear of not seeing her reply. I should just move on, but I really feel I need that last conversation just to be able to tell her everything I need to say. I feel like a freaking teenager. It’s shameful.

So please, tell me, how can I deal with this situation and just let her go and move on? Could it be the case that I’ll never get over it and be in the ridiculous situation of being lovesick even though I am married to a wonderful wife?

Thank you very much in advance for any advice that you think would be useful.

Are you trying to relive lost youth?

"I'm in love with a woman who is not my wife. What should I do?"

- Stop doing it.

Thank you very much in advance for any advice that you think would be useful.

I think you need to realize, not theoretically but ACTUALLY REALIZE, that you're acting like a fool.

I suggest you tell your wife what you've been doing for the last few years, behind her back. Then tell her how you plan to meet up with Manami again before the year is out. Your wife will put things into perspective for you.

I'm serious. These things just fester in secrecy.

Look, I understand the saying "love is blind" is true for a reason, but I think you've been blind about this situation for WAY too long. Nine years??!! This woman is obviously beautiful and charming and this whole time she's completely had you wrapped around her little finger. But I'm sure in nine years she has been seeing other guys or flirting with other guys too and leading them on just like she did with you. Maybe even playing games with her boss. Make no mistake here, if she's been willing to string you along for NINE years, I'm sure she's been capable of also doing it to other men. She probably just never told you about other guys because then she would have lost her loyal admirer. She knew she could play you like a fiddle, and play you she did.

Sorry but you are completely deluded and have been for the past nine years. You've had very clear signs the whole time from this woman that she doesn't feel the same about you. Even if not for the fact that in nine years nothing actually happened. She wasn't even into kissing you because you only kissed her twice in nine years and you were forcing those kisses upon her and she pulled away. She never wanted to date you and many of your messages went unanswered. These are all very clear signs of romantic disinterest and I don't know how you couldn't see them.

Look, I really do understand. I was madly in love and addicted to a guy for two years. I was so fixated on him and we were actually lovers, but he didn't want to date me. He was seeing other women and I tried to end it many times. Eventually I deleted him on everything and stopped talking to him. When I found out he had a serious girlfriend though, it hurt sooo much that I swallowed a bunch of pills and tried to kill myself. But I lived and I blocked that guy on everything and never contacted or spoke to him ever again. This was six years ago and I moved on and had two other serious relationships. Now I'm genuinely really in love with my partner and engaged to be married.

The reason why I told you this story is because you need to understand how important it is to make a conscious effort to move on. This woman is also not your real friend because she's just been using you all these years. A real friend would just tell you straight away: "Sorry, I'm not into you and nothing will happen" and allow you to move on. You should have deleted and blocked her many years ago because this isn't even a friendship. You are completely obsessed and addicted to this woman and it's gone on for almost a decade. I'm sorry but that is really messed up!

Why did you actually bother to get married if you don't love your wife? You are being extremely selfish because you're lying to her and cheating on her emotionally and even physically through kissing. You are also just using your wife to get over the other woman, but yet you haven't even made any effort at all to get over her.

So I guess the question is what now? You can't change the past, but you can change the future. I think you really need to find peace within yourself and just accept once and for all that this woman doesn't love you and nothing will ever happen. Then say goodbye and delete and block her. NEVER contact her ever again. You can try to focus on your wife and fixing your marriage, but if you don't love her, is there really a point? I feel like your wife has just been an innocent pawn in all of this and she doesn't deserve any of this.

I think you are missing a big part of what was going on here. In Japanese culture, it's not polite to tell someone "no," or to turn someone down. Manami could not tell you to leave her alone or to break things off. This is why her answers seemed vague to you or why you wouldn't hear from her until you texted her. If you were Japanese, you would understand that she was turning you down. The story about her boss in a good example of what happens in Japan. A lot of bosses will push themselves onto young women, especially by using their position of authority, and a young lady has to be diplomatic in rebuking their advances and to not lose her job at the same time. She basically equated what you have been doing to her for 9 years to the scenario with her boss.

Look, the bottom line is she doesn't love you. She never loved you. She was only being polite as her culture dictates. In the US, and I'm sure in your own country, women are somewhat more direct although there are still instances where they don't speak their minds in a relationship. But Manami was only being polite to you and you should stop forcing yourself on her and give your wife the respect she deserves instead of trying to cheat on her.

I think you are missing a big part of what was going on here. In Japanese culture, it's not polite to tell someone "no," or to turn someone down. Manami could not tell you to leave her alone or to break things off. This is why her answers seemed vague to you or why you wouldn't hear from her until you texted her.

good point - I've heard this from other Japanese people as well. Even if they do not like you at all, they will not tell you that.

My advice that I hope you find useful is to really decide if you want to make things work with your wife or not. The truth is that monogamy is difficult, even in the best circumstances, and even if you are married to the most beautiful and wonderful wife, your eyes will eventually stray. The key is if you want to work on your marriage and work through this or if you want to throw in the towel. If you are no longer interested in being with your wife, then leave her. Go to counseling, figure out your feelings. If you want to be with your wife, then put this woman out of your head and go to marriage counseling so you can work out whatever you need. What isn't fair is to have these fantasies about a long-lost crush while there is a real-life woman at home who is your wife.

I think you are missing a big part of what was going on here. In Japanese culture, it's not polite to tell someone "no," or to turn someone down. Manami could not tell you to leave her alone or to break things off. This is why her answers seemed vague to you or why you wouldn't hear from her until you texted her. If you were Japanese, you would understand that she was turning you down. The story about her boss in a good example of what happens in Japan. A lot of bosses will push themselves onto young women, especially by using their position of authority, and a young lady has to be diplomatic in rebuking their advances and to not lose her job at the same time. She basically equated what you have been doing to her for 9 years to the scenario with her boss.

 

Look, the bottom line is she doesn't love you. She never loved you. She was only being polite as her culture dictates. In the US, and I'm sure in your own country, women are somewhat more direct although there are still instances where they don't speak their minds in a relationship. But Manami was only being polite to you and you should stop forcing yourself on her and give your wife the respect she deserves instead of trying to cheat on her.

Great insight. For six years, I worked for a Japanese company, for Japanese bosses, in a Japanese business culture. It is true that there is an aversion to a direct "no" response.

On the other hand, Manami did keep meeting him when she could have used the distance to her advantage. NOT THAT I AM ENCOURAGING HIM!!

It is his responsibility to draw the line here.

Sounds to me like you like being single. Whatever the culture, there was never interest here on her part beyond when she wanted it. Some things are universal. Rather telling she only reached out once you stopped and were going to be married.

Round and round, it's never gone anywhere and never will. That's the appeal. You never had to commit to a real warm woman who wanted you. And now that you are married, you still can't.

You don't even know Manami. She's barely an acquaintance. You don't love her. You love being able to retreat to the fantasy. To not face reality.

What do you do? Be real. Face reality. See Jibraltras post.

On the other hand, Manami did keep meeting him when she could have used the distance to her advantage.

I totally understand. For years, I was in love with this guy whom I dated briefly but he broke up with me when I moved away for college. We kept in touch, sometimes he was flirty, sometimes he was cold. Sometimes he would put the moves on me when I was back in town, other times he would say, "what are you doing, we are just friends?" This went on for years and tore me apart. Finally I rejected one of his advances and I basically never heard from him again. I was just upset at the games and the push and pull and couldn't do it anymore. I wanted to talk to him and he never responded. So that's that. It made me realize that he was just sort of using me for comfort/entertainment, but hadn't put any effort into us being in a serious relationship. I would have totally married him had he asked, and he was more treating me like a FWB. So there was a pretty big discord there.

I think it is a bit the same here - despite her staying in contact with you, I don't think that her feelings come anywhere close to what you feel for her. For you, this might be a deep love, for her, this is a hobby, passing interest.... just my impression. I think you need to focus on your wife and what you have that is real with her. People can get sucked into the fantasy, especially when things with your own wife at home can be boring (jobs, bills, auto repairs) but your wife is real.

I think you are missing a big part of what was going on here. In Japanese culture, it's not polite to tell someone "no," or to turn someone down. Manami could not tell you to leave her alone or to break things off. This is why her answers seemed vague to you or why you wouldn't hear from her until you texted her. If you were Japanese, you would understand that she was turning you down. The story about her boss in a good example of what happens in Japan. A lot of bosses will push themselves onto young women, especially by using their position of authority, and a young lady has to be diplomatic in rebuking their advances and to not lose her job at the same time. She basically equated what you have been doing to her for 9 years to the scenario with her boss.

 

Look, the bottom line is she doesn't love you. She never loved you. She was only being polite as her culture dictates. In the US, and I'm sure in your own country, women are somewhat more direct although there are still instances where they don't speak their minds in a relationship. But Manami was only being polite to you and you should stop forcing yourself on her and give your wife the respect she deserves instead of trying to cheat on her.

I was not aware of this in Japanese culture but I'm sorry to say, that aside this woman is a user and a player. I think it's a very different situation with a boss where she has to appease him and keep the peace. This is just a friendship though and for most of it Manami and OP have been apart, even in different locations. So she didn't have to contact him or meet him at all if she wasn't interested in him romantically. She knew from day one that he was crazy about her because OP let his feelings be known straight away. If she was truly a nice person, she would have just cut contact with him. Also let's get real here, it's been nine years. She is obviously attractive and appealing. No offense but you'd have to be deluded to think that she wasn't getting attention or dating other guys all that time. I think she knew exactly what she was doing and she enjoyed doing it. While she may not have felt that she can outright reject due to her culture, she didn't have to reach out to OP herself. I mean, she knew it wasn't just friendship and she is not dumb, trust me. This is someone who knows how to keep a guy on a tight leash.

I agree with you, Tinydancer. There is gaming playing on her end. And I think OP needs to wise up to the fact that he's jumping for someone who enjoys toying with his emotions like she does.

Someone of integrity would not ask out for drinks a man who has been pining for her, as soon as she finds out he's married.

Someone of integrity would not say things like ' I'm very liberal, your ring means nothing to me' to that man.

The whole thing stinks of an atmosphere of disrespect. And rather than being turned off by how gross this whole thing is, OP is lapping it up like a fool and disrespecting a woman who he chose to marry.

She is a fantasy. You barely know her. Get rid of the fantasy and start living the reality.

She is a fantasy. You barely know her. Get rid of the fantasy and start living the reality.

Exactly.

I'm not even sure this whole story merits any criticism of this woman—as a player, as a user—because to read through it she is hardly a person in OP's eyes. Maybe a 16-year-old girl would be flattered at this portrayal, but most adult women I know would be offended to be painted as, at best, a doll.

She is, with all due respect OP, a character you've invented to fuel a romantic tragedy that brings you a sense of comfort: the comfort of control, the comfort of potential, the comfort of fantasy—only you can say. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess you enjoyed writing this post—it feels a bit like an art project, or, well, a K-pop song. It keeps reality at bay under the guise of confronting reality.

Reality: you've hardly interacted with her in nearly a decade, latching onto the smallest glimmers of connection, running them through the magnifying glass of your imagination, editing out the parts that don't support the loftiest of fantasies, and then reveling in the story. People do a lot of this these days, especially with social media around to warp our lenses. That she has never been quite "real" to you, I think, is what allows the story to feel so real.

I don't mean to negate what you feel—that's real. But "real" is not always "healthy," and these feelings you're describing are more self-generated than her-generated. She's the vessel, and I'd challenge you to try to see it that way. It's not as romantic, I know. It's a harsher light, and we all look a little better in dim rooms, where the wrinkles are hidden and anything is possible. But if you allow your eyes to adjust to that harsher light, you'll find yourself feeling better, able to live in reality. Lots of possibilities there too.

That reality includes a wife. She is a real person—and, as you say, a wonderful person. Is she the wonderful person for you? Can you honor her wonderful qualities? Can you pour this romantic energy inside you into her, and what you guys share, rather than another outlet? That should be your focus right now, not this story.

I get where you're coming from, I do. I'm prone to magical thinking, romanticizing, and there are a number of people in my past—brief romances, almost romances—that flutter around in the imagination and sometimes rock me around a bit. They're fun to think about because they never quite crossed that threshold into the real. They are the paths not taken, and in never taking them there is none of the stuff (a boring dinner, bills to pay, a lull in sex, etc.) that muddies the actual path.

Except, thing is? Reality is actually the only thing, and confronting it—paying that bill, figuring out what's up in bed, getting divorced if there's not another plausible option—is where we find the real gems. This, what you've written a little novella describing? It's sand through fingers that you're calling a diamond. See it as that and you'll find peace.

She told me about this guy she’d been in love with for many years, in silence, for fear she would be rejected. She told me she knew exactly what it felt like. She said she had recently decided it was in her best interest to let that fixation go and maybe I should do the same with regard to her.

Wow..what a huge ego!! She obviously doesn't care a bit about you it's more than obvious she never did. You not only wasted time but made a fool out of yourself.

This woman never cared and what's worse, she strung you along.

If you ever had a chance with her, it would have been when you were single...even then, SHE STILL DID NOT WANT YOU.

Get some sense here. You're wasting your life over someone who is not worth it and does not see you as anything special. She used you for an ego boost.

If you can't gain control, then at least leave your wife and get some therapy. This has gone on far too long and it was never reciprocated.

This woman is also not your real friend because she's just been using you all these years. A real friend would just tell you straight away: "Sorry, I'm not into you and nothing will happen" and allow you to move on.

Absolutely! A person who actually cares about your well being and your feelings would have been completely honest so as to not cause false hope or lead you on.

And I know what you're thinking..."oh, maybe she did that because she wasn't sure of her feelings"...nope...she knew what was what. She enjoyed having a fan/follower and didn't care if it hurt you or not.

She's not a thoughtful person, she is up her own behind and you are ruining your life over it.

And what of your poor wife? How do you sleep at night knowing you are fantasizing about someone when you have a wonderful woman who loves and trusts you right next to your side?

Did you just use her as a way to get over Manami?

If anyone deserves the adoration you give to a false phony,..it's your wife. It sounds like your wife has been loyal and loving. If you can't love her like you do Manami, then let her go so another man can.

I think more than anything, you need personal counselling asap.

I've noticed you only started the thread and didn't respond to anyone else. Are you still reading this thread?

Why would you get married to someone when you have feelings for someone else? you have spent a lot of time chasing after someone that hasnt shown a significant interest.. you might need some professional help.

No contact with this woman now that you are married. If you want to stay friends with her, you have to come clean to your wife, and your wife has to approve of the contact.

Or you can leave your wife for a woman that really hasnt shown much interest in you in 5 years.

I've noticed you only started the thread and didn't respond to anyone else. Are you still reading this thread?

Yes, I am still reading. Just trying to reflect on everything I'm reading. Also, she has not responded. I will certainly reply to all those who took the time to read and provide their advice :)

Yes, I am still reading. Just trying to reflect on everything I'm reading. Also, she has not responded. I will certainly reply to all those who took the time to read and provide their advice :)

Ok, in that case I'll put in my two cents.

It seems to me that the secret person that Manami was in love with is you. Both of you never ended up in the same city at the right time. Most of her life she's gone from one high end position to another high end position. Times that she has wanted to meet you have appeared to you as weird. She wanted to see you in Texas but felt guilty for you coming out and not getting much time with her. She said that and you took it as a lack of interest. She took it as it was not worth it for you to see her since you were getting little time with her. The time in Boston she may have been too busy for a relationship at Harvard so it was not a time to get started.

She spent much of her time pursuing career and now that it's coming to a close she's realizing she chose career over you, and over having a good relationship. When she says she's liberal and doesn't care about the ring she doesn't mean take her to bed. She means she was willing to see you to see what would happen despite you being married. You are, however, married. So you two went from being too distant in terms of location, not available in terms of time, to you being married and locked in a relationship. At this point if you divorced your wife it would have to be because you don't want to be with her. Not because you want to be with Manami. There is a very real chance that even if you were single now, things would not work out with Manami or that 2 years into the relationship you may feel that she's just too busy too often. The feelings you have right now are stronger because you feel like you missed out. If you were actually with her and that relationship ran it's course with her focusing on her studies and not having much time, you would be very happy that you met your wife. On the other hand, if you didn't meet your wife, it may be that Manami is now looking for a spouse and may have enough time to devote towards a relationship. I don't see her as someone that's manipulative. I think she chose career and now is realizing what it cost her. I say all this based on the story you told me. You may have details you haven't told me that would change my response. If you think you can treat your wife well, then be with her, get over Manami and enjoy your life. If you're going to give your wife a bad marriage because you just can't stop thinking about Manami for the next 20 years, you may need to talk to your wife and see what she would like as options. It is possible to be in love with two people and only be with one. You need to see where you can do the most good.

I'd rephrase it more accurately as in love with a fantasy. I do think that your creative mind kind of needs that fantasy, a muse of sorts. So I'd suggest that you frame your mind around that and remember to live in the real world and not let it pass you by as you pine over what doesn't actually exist but for in your head. I mean yes, Manami is a real person, except that she is a person you don't really know all that well at all. You've literally built this very romantic fantasy about her...but that's not love, OP, even if it feels like. It's more like an addiction. It's exciting, makes your heart beat faster, but it also takes away from your real life just any drug does and if you allow this to continue, eventually it will simply drain you and destroy your marriage, your wife, your real life. Maybe figure out other sources for creative inspiration and that adrenaline rush that doesn't involve another woman. Plenty out there to choose from and ultimately will be better, more exciting and more sustainable in the long run. As for the addiction, only cure is cold turkey. No more meetings, no more talks. Delete contact and choose to do so. God knows she has rejected you enough. Time for you to accept it and move on.

It seems to me that the secret person that Manami was in love with is you

Be accountable for that Mari if this man believes you and destroys his life over that phrase. It's far from the truth and he has ruined enough of his life over desperately wanting to believe that.

Manami had her chance, in fact, many many chances. She did not care. He even disclosed to her how he loved her and wanted her, she showed no reciprocation at all, and in fact, went on to tell him about another man she felt that way for.

If that's not a slap in the face, I don't know what is.

If he believes you and ends his marriage and continues to chase Manami and she STILL rejects him and he ends up destroyed or even suicidal, you can thank yourself for adding fuel to his desperate addiction.

This is the problem people marry the wrong person because of there desires, everyone will always tell you to hide your, feelings, most likely your feelings for this other lady will not go away at.

is marriage by force.

How can you have a successful marriage your heart is not there at all.

So, you should tell your wife, the truth and contact the other women and express to her how you are feeling.

contact the other women and express to her how you are feeling.

He did. She told him she understands because she has or had feelings like that for another man. She did not reciprocate the feelings back.

Be accountable for that Mari if this man believes you and destroys his life over that phrase. It's far from the truth and he has ruined enough of his life over desperately wanting to believe that.

 

Manami had her chance, in fact, many many chances. She did not care. He even disclosed to her how he loved her and wanted her, she showed no reciprocation at all, and in fact, went on to tell him about another man she felt that way for.

If that's not a slap in the face, I don't know what is.

 

If he believes you and ends his marriage and continues to chase Manami and she STILL rejects him and he ends up destroyed or even suicidal, you can thank yourself for adding fuel to his desperate addiction.

I agree that if the information is wrong there are serious consequences. This is why I put in a disclaimer that the advice is based on the current story. In his story he says:

I asked if she wanted to be my girlfriend (I know, way too aggressive). She replied, that if I lived in the US it’d be an immediate yes, but since I didn’t, she asked for a few days to think about it.

and at the hotel she kisses him back for a second. So from the time she says this and till after he's married she's still attracted to him. Also when she says he has a special place in her heart that would also mean she's pretty interested. Now, if there's new information on this mystery guy, or when she says she feared rejection knowing that he loved her could mean a new guy as opposed to him saying no when he started dating, then yes. That would be a totally different guy and he's just been a friend she was attracted to but not in love with. Need more details. Bottom line though is if he's not going to treat the wife well and go chasing after her then why is he married to her? If she reciprocated the kiss and it went further would he just divorce his wife right there? If he can treat his wife well, stay married. If not then divorce, and then maybe Manami. If he's going to keep thinking Manami all the time then whether or not he gets Manami, he isn't going to be able to make his wife happy. His wife is going to need options on how to break up, so it's easy for her, assuming Manami stays in his head. But if it's possible to be in love with Manami and his wife then stay married and treat the wife well. Some people can do this, others cannot.