Expensive(ish) present but now what?

Hey all, just wanted to get some opinions on this:

I bought my boyfriend tickets to a concert of a band we listen to a lot and will be in town after Christmas. They were pricey (ish, for me at least they were, I'm not doing sooooo well financially), but I thought I would treat him for Christmas. So I bought them and was getting really excited for Christmas so I could give them to him. Then however like two days after I had bought them, he tells me he is not all that into the band (even though he is the one who showed them to me!!) and that he would go to a concert with me if I wanted to, but it wasn't something he would go out of his way to plan just for himself. Well. Now what? I can't return the tickets but I'm not sure they are a very good Christmas gift now either... What do you think I should do? Give them to him anyways? Try to sell them online? Honestly I don't even know. My spirit is crushed :(

I think you guys will have a great time together regardless of who’s playing, I would personally enjoy going to any concert just to be with my SO.

Honestly, I'd put them on stubhub and see if you can try to sell them, and then buy him something you know he'll like.

Since you originally purchased them as an Xmas present for him, you'll either have to just go to the concert and buy him another gift, or give him this gift that you now know he doesn't really want.

I've had luck with stubhub.

Yeh, try to sell them. I'm not sure how you would be able to enjoy giving him the tickets or even going to the concert now that you know he's not all that sussed to see them live.

Don't be crushed, just do what you gotta do with a positive attitude that you now know what you have to do, get it done and then buy him something less expensive (because you really can't afford anything else) that you do know he will love. Maybe a CD of the band or an Apple Gift Card where he can download the music he likes to listen to. (?)

1) Never put yourself in a financial pinch when buying a gift.

2) Tickets for Christmas should be a "We" thing and not a surprise -- it should be a mutual planned date.

3) Does he KNOW you bought the tickets yet? OR did you not and because they are expensive, he is downplaying his want to go?

4) How does he treat you otherwise -- does he take the wind out of your sails constantly or downplay/minimize things you do?

I think i would sell them on stubhub. Get your money back. Or i would go with a girlfriend since he told you he didn't really like the band now.

Go and have a good time. If he's going to act like a 6 y/o and pout that he doesn't like what Santa got him, too bad. Do not buy something else or trade/sell the tickets.

two days after I had bought them, he tells me he is not all that into the band and that he would go to a concert with me if I wanted to, but it wasn't something he would go out of his way to plan just for himself.

Thing is there are a million + 1 better ways to enjoy each other's company not dealing lines, $12 beers, and a loud concert neither of you is a tremendously big fan of.

Your gift was obviously well thought out and well intended. Not trying to dock you any points for it. But your scenario is precisely why I personally don't give gifts that involve volunteering a particular day and time on the recipient's own behalf. It's one thing if you give someone a thoughtful gift they may not be enthralled about, but a gift is a gift-- something they wouldn't otherwise have or be entitled to. When you do so while involving some commitment for their part, that's where I'd say a relatively lackluster gift can become a "bad gift." If you know he's not excited about the concert, I'd try my best to get rid of them on StubHub or a similar site, assuming it's legal where you are.

Go and have a good time. If he's going to act like a 6 y/o and pout that he doesn't like what Santa got him, too bad. Do not buy something else or trade/sell the tickets.

Originally Posted by LadyMac

two days after I had bought them, he tells me he is not all that into the band and that he would go to a concert with me if I wanted to, but it wasn't something he would go out of his way to plan just for himself.

You could still go, and go together, explain that you didn't know early enough, and maybe make it a turnaround gift "From LadyMac For LadyMac" and he do something similar, buy his gift this year "From LadyM'sBoyfriend For LadyM'sBoyfriend". In other words, you switch from exchanging gifts to sharing gifts in another way, and learn more about each other in the process. He might love the concert when all is said and done, and you may enjoy what he gets for himself.

Thing is there are a million + 1 better ways to enjoy each other's company not dealing lines, $12 beers, and a loud concert neither of you is a tremendously big fan of.

 

Your gift was obviously well thought out and well intended. Not trying to dock you any points for it. But your scenario is precisely why I personally don't give gifts that involve volunteering a particular day and time on the recipient's own behalf. It's one thing if you give someone a thoughtful gift they may not be enthralled about, but a gift is a gift-- something they wouldn't otherwise have or be entitled to. When you do so while involving some commitment for their part, that's where I'd say a relatively lackluster gift can become a "bad gift." If you know he's not excited about the concert, I'd try my best to get rid of them on StubHub or a similar site, assuming it's legal where you are.

The above advice could have been given by my sister's husband. Over the years, she has continuously "gifted" him with events that she wants to do, even though he can't stand crowds/overpriced events.

She even "gifted" him with a trip to Napa, but he's not even a wine drinker.

He jokes that all of her gifts to him are for her, which is true. I always felt bad for him, because he never spoke up, as he didn't want to hurt her feelings. It's only in recent years he's finally spoken up.

The above advice could have been given by my sister's husband. Over the years, she has continuously "gifted" him with events that she wants to do, even though he can't stand crowds/overpriced events.

 

She even "gifted" him with a trip to Napa, but he's not even a wine drinker.

 

He jokes that all of her gifts to him are for her, which is true. I always felt bad for him, because he never spoke up, as he didn't want to hurt her feelings. It's only in recent years he's finally spoken up.

Sorry to highjack the thread but serious question regarding that, how can the two people you talk about even get married in the first place ?

I mean, seems like your sister only gives gift that her husband does not like but that she likes so I only see two options 1° she does not know what her husband love 2° she is selfish and give gift that please her.

I found it odd, I have never been in relation but feel more connected to my best friend than the couple you describe, we know our center of interest very well and I gifted him places for concerts for band I can't stand or where unknown to me but I knew he like them and he, on his part, gifted me one day with a book on Fichte's philosophy while he does not know anything about philosophy and even less about german's idealism.

What's the point of making your life with someone if you don't know them like the back of your hand ?

Sorry to highjack the thread but serious question regarding that, how can the two people you talk about even get married in the first place ?

 

I mean, seems like your sister only gives gift that her husband does not like but that she likes so I only see two options 1° she does not know what her husband love 2° she is selfish and give gift that please her.

 

I found it odd, I have never been in relation but feel more connected to my best friend than the couple you describe, we know our center of interest very well and I gifted him places for concerts for band I can't stand or where unknown to me but I knew he like them and he, on his part, gifted me one day with a book on Fichte's philosophy while he does not know anything about philosophy and even less about german's idealism.

 

What's the point of making your life with someone if you don't know them like the back of your hand ?

Yes, sorry for the thread hijack.

All I can say for my sister & her husband is: it works.

They are married now for almost 20 years, despite these obvious differences. And it's a lesson to us all, as there's no way they'd ever match up "on paper":

--She is 8 years older than he is.

--He's extremely good-looking. Like, stop & stare kind of looks. She's my sister, and I love her, but she's not attractive on that same level.

--He has an MBA; she barely (literally, barely) graduated HS.

--He had every girl in the world after him. The night they met, at a party, he was surrounded by stunning girls with amazing bodies, all a few years younger than he. My sister walked up and loudly started talking to him. From that night on, they've never been apart. And he was the one who "drove" the relationship: he kept calling her, asking her out, for one year, until one day, he went to my parents and asked if he could marry her.

And yes, she's the most selfish person on the planet (which she fully admits). And he's this kind, loving guy who only wants to work hard for his family (they have 2 kids).

She does love him to absolute pieces, and she creates a beautiful home, she's an amazing mom, and she goes all out decorating for all holidays, and she's on every school committee there is.

Say what you want, it works.

OK, back to topic.

I think he was a jerk the way he went about it. He could have been more gracious about the gift and didn't have to act like he hates them when you said you two listen to that band often. That is a problem with buying tickets as a gift - you never know if the other person can't make the day. I guess you know now not to buy him tickets as a gift, but still, I think he could have been much better about it and not complained. I think you should go and have fun, take a friend if he does not want to go.

I think he was a jerk the way he went about it. He could have been more gracious about the gift and didn't have to act like he hates them when you said you two listen to that band often. That is a problem with buying tickets as a gift - you never know if the other person can't make the day. I guess you know now not to buy him tickets as a gift, but still, I think he could have been much better about it and not complained. I think you should go and have fun, take a friend if he does not want to go.

My belief is that he didn't know that she actually bought tickets. She thought, from what he said, that it was a band that he loved, so she bought tickets. After she had bought them, he brought up that he didn't like them that much, not knowing she had purchased tickets.

Is this correct, OP?

Yeah, between him saying he'd go to "a" concert rather than "the concert" with her if she wanted, and her expressing excitement for presenting the tickets to him on Christmas, I'm thinking she did some phishing and found out he really wasn't that big of a fan. And, to be fair, I've got several bands I'd call myself a huge of but wouldn't want to go through the trouble of attending a concert for.

While I'd agree that, if he were to be told of the tickets and reacted that way, it'd be relatively insensitive, there's really no awesome way to tell someone, "Yeah.. I'd rather not devote my time to that." And, honestly, whereas someone is having their time volunteered for them, I think that should be within their rights to express, even if we're talking a gift. Like I said before, I do think there's a pretty substantial threshold for gifts that you should simply smile and say thank you for even if you're not the biggest fan of it. Someone gets you the newest Star Trek Blu-Ray but you're a Star Wars fan, you stick it on your shelf and you're done. What makes a "bad" gift a bad gift if when you involve some commitment on their end for the sake of something they don't have an interest to commit to. By all means, give it a crack if you want, but you should be willing and prepared to get a refund for whatever it is.

Nothing but love to couples it happens to work for, but I do think there's a level of ego to telling anyone, "You're doing this on [x] day," and a level of entitlement that one is being inherently slighted or underappreciated that the recipient wouldn't like to dedicate their PTO or weekend off to it. Again, I know some people live for and enjoy the spontaneity. Not saying you shouldn't surprise your partner with some tickets if that's the kind of thing you've both expressed enjoyment for. But I don't like it being the social default that rigidly scheduled gifts that solicit commitment are good or proper gifts to be giving.

But that's a more generalized tangent. In fairness to the OP, she seems to be coming much more from a place of questioning whether she wants to present the tickets knowing he may not have a great time than from any real resentment; though we'll see how that goes once the bridge has been crossed. I do maintain that if they can be legally scalped for a respectable recovery, it'd be the best road to go down. However, if not, I'd definitely mention it sooner than later. Also, while I don't think "regret" is the right word, expressing some sense of "feeling bad" you misjudged I think would get him more eager to make sure you know he's having a good time if / once you do go.

Agree with jman.

In my sister's case, she's always done this with thoughts of love.....like, she knows he likes a certain band, so she's bought the tickets. Or that she knows she'd like a certain trip, so she's booked it, thinking he'd like it too.

Years ago, she threw a 30th birthday surprise party for him, as she loves a surprise party. Turns out, he hated it, doesn't like the attention (I'm the same way). He did thank her for all the effort, but asked her to please not do that again. She hasn't.

Relationships are all about learning.

OP, what are you going to do with the tickets?

Since you are a bit financially strapped and spent more than you should have, I'd sell the tickets, recoup your money as best you can and take away a lesson from this not to make these kinds of grand gestures without first being certain it will be appreciated. In this case, sounds like it wouldn't be, so just a waste of money if you proceed with it.