Should two people with newly diagnosed depression date?

Now before I start this I want to say I know there is nothing wrong with people dating who have depression or any other mental illness.

I myself suffered from incredibly bad OCD as a teenager which I know I have remnants that I carry into relationships. Doesn't make me a bad person to "date" or anyone else for that matter with a mental illness.

This is more based on my friend we have been trying to support lately. Me and two other girls have been trying to support her through a rough time. She was in a very emotionally abusive relationship which she has been out of well over a year now.

Following that she has dated one guy after another. We did advise her to have some time being single. As time is the healer of all wounds. She tried for about three months. Then started dating this guy that brutally ghosted her. He was a nasty human being who never respected her. We never liked him but didn't want to be the snotty friends that "hated" him and would tell her what to do. So we let her work him out for herself.

Needless to say after all this she ended up serverly depressed and has finally sought help.

We knew it was looming after her awful relationship over a year ago. We did suggest then she should seek help then but she wasn't ready then so we didn't push.

We are incredibly proud of her for doing so now and have been incredibly supportive.

This has only been 6 weeks ago so still incredibly new.

She didn't however get off the dating apps like we advised! I'm sure once she starts counseling they would suggest she puts dating on hold.

Anyway... She started talking to this guy on the app. She planned to meet him last week and finally told us the day before in the group chat. We was like are you sure you are ready. We are scared she'll get hurt and make herself feel worst. She thought about it and said she isn't and will wait till counseling starts and go from there.

So she was honest with the guy as to why she couldn't meet him. She said she has been newly diagnosed with depression and needs time to herself for a bit and not to be dating.

He then declares he is also suffering from depression. He is going for CBT and counseling. He is on medication. This only started 6 months ago when he tried to end his life. So he said how they have this all in common.

He continued and he said he could be her friend until she is ready to start dating again.

She has been very friendly with him. Opened up about her exes. Guess it is nice she can talk to someone else other than us.

The only problem is he seems really pushy. She has shown us screenshots and he said how he would never treat her like her exes. He keeps saying how stunning she is. And even made a joke about buying her lingerie! This is not "friendship" behavior.

Baring in mind this is only within a week of conversation following her being honest with him last week.

My issue is she is very vulnerable right now and will end up getting tangelled up with him. He is also very fragile too.

I know you will all say leave her alone she is a grown woman to make her mistakes.

My two other friends have suggested to "block and run" basically ghost him. I feel that's a little harsh as he is going through a though time too.

That said I am more concerned about my friends happiness so if that's one way to deal with it so be it.

What do you guys think is the best thing to suggest to her.

Or should I just leave her be? I don't want her to feel like we are all ganging up on her and the dating thing.

Also any stories you know or two people who dated with depression and they helped each other through it or it made it worst?

Any advice would be appreciated x

Well, I think you're correct that there's a danger sign here. I don't think the question is about two people who are depressed dating, but rather this guy is showing behavior that could lead to an abusive relationship. You have to be suspicious of someone who is overly forward like this. They can get possessive and jealous really quickly. And that can lead to abuse.

But to answer your general question of two people with depression dating each other, I think there would be a lack of a support system. Imagine both being depressed at the same time. Who would be there to lean on or get them through the tough times? No one. So it's probably not a good idea.

When it comes to matters of the heart, in my experience, people are going to do what they are going to do. Even if the situation is abusive. Even if they intellectually know better. Those chemicals and chemistry are strong and if they really want to be with someone, they’ll just fall into a “Romeo and Juliet” fantasy where everyone is against their “true love”.

You also see this on here. People asking for advice and then clearly not taking it. Lol! Chemistry is strong.

Do I think this is a disaster waiting to happen? Yes. Do I think they will be together forever? No. Odds are they won’t start to feel better on the same timeline and the one feeling better first will feel dragged down by the other. Or someone will want to detach because it’s not the happiest start to a relationship. They won’t want to remember this time period and they’ll gravitate towards a more positive start with someone else. Or this guy may end up abusive if he’s preying on someone who is in a bad state right now. Lots of stuff against this dynamic.

... but at the end of the day, your friend will do what she will do. And to be honest, if you push too hard and she really wants it, you will become the “enemy”.

My advice to you would be to talk to her about your concerns ONCE and then let it go. Acknowledge that she has the right to self-determination. And then just support her.

Sometimes your role as a friend, in my opinion, is to warn your friends of danger and then just to be there when they fall.

That’s a long read. You know a lot about your friend 😉

Since this is about someone else and not you, I’m answering the title question.

Medicated and under control, absolutely why not? Seeking codependency and being fixed by a relationship, no.

Thanks guys!

I know I need to handle it delicately as our other friends haven't been so supportive. With their "block and run" advice. As we all know she won't follow it as she hasn't listened to us in the pass.

Who really listen to their friends.

I do believe someone who has their depression under control and wants to date someone with depression that's fine.

I questioned whether it's okay for two people with newly diagnosed depression to date with my Aunt who is a recovered alcoholic. She had her fair share of bouts with depression herself. She even said how people in AA don't date for the very reason they aren't able to support each other. Which got me thinking about two people dating each other with depression. It will be very similar in that sense.

I'll subtly tell her. I don't want her to feel uncomfortable to talk to us about it. Like you guys said she will do what ever she wants to do.

That’s a long read. You know a lot about your friend 😉

 

Since this is about someone else and not you, I’m answering the title question.

 

Medicated and under control, absolutely why not? Seeking codependency and being fixed by a relationship, no.

Sorry - I am a rambler. My uni lecturer always said I write too much for a something that could be one bullet point.

Haha definitely about a friend. I'm nowhere near ready to date right now. So enjoying being single. Which is why I encouraged her a bit of single life too.

I posted about my best friend and you guys gave some good advice there. So knew you guys would do the same again :)

Thanks all x

Is this about your friend who is/was dating a much older man, or is this a different "friend?"

No no. Not that friend. That friend is actually my best friend with the older man. Which is why I tried to be more involved.

This is one of my old work colleagues. Hence the group chat with the other old work girls.

She has been really quiet yesterday and today. So I'll check in on her in a bit actually.

Do not advise or suggest anything. You are not doctors or therapists and she has sought out professional help. Running people's lives when they are vulnerable is not being a good friend. Listening here and there is fine, but stay out of it and let her discuss her love life and readiness for dating with her professionals. Try not to hurt and lose friends this way.

she ended up serverly depressed and has finally sought help. She didn't however get off the dating apps like we advised!

 

What do you guys think is the best thing to suggest to her.

Do not advise or suggest anything. You are not doctors or therapists and she has sought out professional help. Running people's lives when they are vulnerable is not being a good friend. Listening here and there is fine, but stay out of it and let her discuss her love life and readiness for dating with her professionals. Try not to hurt and lose friends this way.

The only reason my friend advised her seeking professional help was because she herself was in a physically abusive relationship in her teen years. So after our friend came out of her emotionally abusive one. It was a simple suggestion when she had said how low she was feeling. Like I said we never mentioned it again.

Then the advising to have some time to be single is no different than everyone on here saying how it's too soon and take some "you" time. When people rush into dating and having healed.

It was only after that breakup with the not so nice guy. Again we did not get involved as we knew we was an absolute ****. She then decided on her own to seek professional help with is brilliant.

It's just she has been flooding the group chat with screenshots from this guy. He doesn't seem like what she needs right now.

The other two girls aren't being supportive by telling her to block and run. Which was why I thought I'll ask for advice on here.

As everyones views on other things since I've joined as been so helpful.

I see two issues:

She needs to deal with her problems. She also seems incapable of being alone. Very dependent on msle attention, and is probably the reason she ends up with creeps.

This guy sounds off. He sounds very pushy, and the mention of lingerie is inappropriate. This guy is too much, but she seems to be attracted to this type of dynamic.

I hope that she finds her way, or she will be making a lifetime of poor choices.

I'm with your friends. I would have advised the same.

The other two are doing the right thing by not over-reacting and trying to run her life. Ignore whatever screenshots she injects into group chats. perhaps she likes to share, whatever.

Infantilizing and marginalizing her is not being a friend. Treating her as an invalid mental patient who you have to control is not for her, it's for you. The other two are being supportive and real friends because they treat her as a peer and an adult who makes her own decisions.

If this date/guy doesn't work out, she'll live. Also, she has a therapist who can offer real advice and treat her with respect. Focus on running your own life. Focus on your own love-life/dating adventures.

She then decided on her own to seek professional help. It's just she has been flooding the group chat with screenshots from this guy. The other two girls aren't being supportive by telling her to block and run.

Do not advise or suggest anything. You are not doctors or therapists and she has sought out professional help. Running people's lives when they are vulnerable is not being a good friend. Listening here and there is fine, but stay out of it and let her discuss her love life and readiness for dating with her professionals. Try not to hurt and lose friends this way.

The other two are doing the right thing by not over-reacting and trying to run her life. Ignore whatever screenshots she injects into group chats. perhaps she likes to share, whatever.

 

Infantilizing and marginalizing her is not being a friend. Treating her as an invalid mental patient who you have to control is not for her, it's for you. The other two are being supportive and real friends because they treat her as a peer and an adult who makes her own decisions.

 

If this date/guy doesn't work out, she'll live. Also, she has a therapist who can offer real advice and treat her with respect. Focus on running your own life. Focus on your own love-life/dating adventures.

The other two have not been supportive. They have been the ones. Who has said just "block and run". They have been the ones pushing for her not to get back into dating! Not me!

I'm merely questioning if it's advisable for two people in their postion to date.

So when she asked us in the group chat "should I go on a date with this guy?". The other girls said no!

It was only until she cancelled this date did he "share" his depression too.

He even said how he understands if she stops talking to him as when he tells girls they head for the hills.

She came back to us an felt guilty to just end it.

It wasn't until seeing his pushy messages did I think to question it on here.

As she has asked us what she should do.

Again the other girls are insisting on "block and run". Which I know she wouldn't do.

As someone has said she is very relient on men.

So if I just say block on run. She will keep at it and not feel open to talk to anyone about it.

I don't want to rule her life. Just like I haven't got involved with my best friend and her older man.

All I was asking was the best way to deal with it.

As to be he will lure her in. Look at the way when she didn't want to meet he tried to win her over with pity. Suggested friendship and spoke of lingerie.

Yes a good friend would support her. But the other girls are not. As since she has not said a thing back in the group chat about it. Which is fine. But not like her.

I know she is on a wait list to see a professional. Just hope that comes in time before she gets wrapped up with this guy.

Our main concern as her friends is the fact he lives around the corner from here. We haven't been able to see her often as she lives far from us now.

So he will worm his way in but it's her mistake to make.

If she asks an honest question, you can give an honest answer such as "he doesn't sound like relationship material to me" it's that simple and skip any psychoanalysis about her mental state etc. Be her friend, not her mother or therapist. Why are you so concerned with what the other 2 have to say? You have your opinion/approach, they have theirs.

So when she asked us in the group chat "should I go on a date with this guy?". she has not said a thing back in the group chat about it.

The other two are very black and white with thinking.

She doesn't have many friends.

She was really against the block and run approach. She was justifying why she shouldn't. They got really snappy with her. I just kept out of it at the time.

That's why I wanted to at least be "supportive".

I personally don't agree she is dating. But I wouldn't make her feel bad about it. Like they have.

After the last guy who hurt her. One of them was like "I told you so". Which isn't nice for someone who is fragile.

So thats why I was trying to understand if two people dating with depression as fresh as theirs is okay.

I just thought it was me overthinking. But to be fair it's not healthy.

I don't want to make the mistake of encouraging it like I did with my best friend with the 54yo.

Trying to learn how to be supportive but not detrimental to someone.

I know it's not my issue.

But as girls. They constantly seek reassurance from friends. Well some do.

I've heard all sorts about people I date from friends. I let it roll off my back like the height thing.

She has always been concerned what people think. Hence the constant screenshots.

You are right though. It's not my problem. I'll leave her be. I have my own stuff to focus on anyway.

The other two have not been supportive. They have been the ones. Who has said just "block and run". They have been the ones pushing for her not to get back into dating! Not me!

 

I'm merely questioning if it's advisable for two people in their postion to date.

 

So when she asked us in the group chat "should I go on a date with this guy?". The other girls said no!

 

It was only until she cancelled this date did he "share" his depression too.

 

He even said how he understands if she stops talking to him as when he tells girls they head for the hills.

 

She came back to us an felt guilty to just end it.

 

It wasn't until seeing his pushy messages did I think to question it on here.

 

As she has asked us what she should do.

 

Again the other girls are insisting on "block and run". Which I know she wouldn't do.

 

As someone has said she is very relient on men.

 

So if I just say block on run. She will keep at it and not feel open to talk to anyone about it.

 

I don't want to rule her life. Just like I haven't got involved with my best friend and her older man.

 

All I was asking was the best way to deal with it.

 

As to be he will lure her in. Look at the way when she didn't want to meet he tried to win her over with pity. Suggested friendship and spoke of lingerie.

 

Yes a good friend would support her. But the other girls are not. As since she has not said a thing back in the group chat about it. Which is fine. But not like her.

 

I know she is on a wait list to see a professional. Just hope that comes in time before she gets wrapped up with this guy.

 

Our main concern as her friends is the fact he lives around the corner from here. We haven't been able to see her often as she lives far from us now.

 

So he will worm his way in but it's her mistake to make.

Your friends are right! This girl should NOT be dating!

I'm sorry, but your behavior sounds co dependent. She sounds dramatic and like an emotional vampire (always choosing unhealthy relationships). You do not have to play therapist as a friend, this is not healthy, and she is not being fair by dumping this crap on her friends all the time. I suggest you tell her how you feel and shut it down. Stop playing therapist.

The other two are very black and white with thinking.

 

She doesn't have many friends.

 

She was really against the block and run approach. She was justifying why she shouldn't. They got really snappy with her. I just kept out of it at the time.

 

That's why I wanted to at least be "supportive".

 

I personally don't agree she is dating. But I wouldn't make her feel bad about it. Like they have.

 

After the last guy who hurt her. One of them was like "I told you so". Which isn't nice for someone who is fragile.

 

So thats why I was trying to understand if two people dating with depression as fresh as theirs is okay.

 

I just thought it was me overthinking. But to be fair it's not healthy.

 

I don't want to make the mistake of encouraging it like I did with my best friend with the 54yo.

 

Trying to learn how to be supportive but not detrimental to someone.

 

I know it's not my issue.

 

But as girls. They constantly seek reassurance from friends. Well some do.

 

I've heard all sorts about people I date from friends. I let it roll off my back like the height thing.

 

She has always been concerned what people think. Hence the constant screenshots.

 

You are right though. It's not my problem. I'll leave her be. I have my own stuff to focus on anyway.

Your friend is choosing these problems. I would be fed up, too!

I have had friends like this. They are exhausting! They thrive on this drama, it is their comfort zone, I do not deal with these type of people anymore, as I choose not to be used and someone's sounding board.

I'm just as fed up as them believe me.

She is incredibly draining as a person and always has been.

I just felt sorry for her the way they were very sharp with her.

I was genuinely trying to be a nice friend to her.

Again I'm glad to get everyones opinions on the matter.

It's not my problem and I'll deal with my own stuff.

She will come back and expect us to pick up the peices again.

We will just be there and support her again when it happens I guess.

The constant screenshots and her insistent need for dating advice from us. It's too much and I think she will push us all away which is a shame.

I need to learn to be blunt like the other girls. As taking on other people's issues shouldn't be something me and they are burdened with.

Thanks for the advice guys. You are all right I am not a therapist.

I will leave it to the professionals.

Don't feel sorry for her. She is CHOOSING this. They did the right thing.

I would tell her that I do not think that she should date. She should seek the counseling and work through her stuff. When she brings this guy up, change the subject. She is being abusive to your relationship

Personally, I would be blunt with her. I would tell her that I care for her, and want the best, but that you cannot continue to listen to these stories, until she is in a healthier place. She should not be dating, but be dealing with her mental health. She should seek therapy for at least 6 months, then consider speaking to men. You will be there to support her, but not when she continues to put herself in harm's way.

I had a friend that was in constant drama with her emotionally abusive bf. The majority of our convos were about her drama. She was a user. She would call me in hysterics after a break uo, promising not to return, then she would go back. This crap went on for two long years! The last time I told her I cared for her but that I couldn't take it anymore, as it was affecting my emotional health. I said I would be there for her 100% when she decided to end her toxic relationship. Guys what, she disappeared. She lost her free therapist. Radihka was a big user, and she thrived on the drama. You cannot win with these people!

There is a reason she has so few friends. I do not allow these types of people in my life, anymore! No way. It is one-sided, and crazy making!

Hollyj - Thank you so much for this post.

I didn't think it would come to a realisation for myself. I was merely seeking advice for my friend but this has been way more valubale.

I always I have tendency to feel sorry for people and try to be there at cost of my own happiness. Which is not a healthy friendship.

Since knowing her it has been all about hearing about her dramas! Her problems and all her new men. Never once would she ask how you are doing. I put that down to her depression and her feeling isolated, so I just let it be.

I am at my wits end with her!

I tend to have friends that look to me to lean on as I don't judge them and just try and listen to their issues. Same goes for my other post with my best friend dating the 54yo. She only chose two girls to confined in. Again very draining as she offloads one me constantly as no one else knows.

Coming here has and talking to you guy has made me realise to bd a good friend I don't really have to take it all on at the cost of my own happiness.

It is about listening and not judging but not for it to comsume your friendship.

Thank you for sharing that story. It had made me feel better about the situation.

As she would disappear when things are "going well" with a guy. Run back to offload and the cycle continues.

Makes sense why she has so few friends like you said.

Again I can't thank you enough for opening my eyes to this.

She hasn't been a friend for very long. So I'll be honest with her and she knows where I am when she gets back on track and stops obsessing over men. I'll be there it she needs me but I won't act as her emotional punching bag anymore.

She is not a friend.

I strongly suggest you address the people you choose to be in your life. You sound co dependent. This is not good. A friendship should be reciprocal, we are not there to play therapist to our friends on a constant basis.

This is just as much about you and self esteem issues. it sounds like it tie to clean house, with at least two of your friends. This is not what friendships look like.

You are incredibly right about that!

It's very one-sided that friendship. Which in it's self it not healthy.

Guess I didn't see it before as I felt bad for her going through a lot.

But let's be honest... Everyone is life is going through a lot. I manage to deal with myself without burdening people.

She will learn the same once I stop feeding her. She had often said she feels she can always come and talk to me out of the other two. Which makes me feel I "have to". But essentially I don't.

Like you said she is not a friend!

Omg I did not think I would get to this point and realise this about her as a person.

She is a big girl who choses this life for herself.

Sounds really harsh but I won't deal with it when she comes running back.

I couldn't take an emotionally draining relationship with a partner. I'm not going to take it from a so cold friend.

I can't thank you enough. It's bizzare it's come to this from dating advice.

Good for you!!!