Realisation that all is not good

Hi all,

Long story short, have been with my partner since late teens (now early forties). She has cheated on me before, broke up with me and then we got back together. The thing is, when we got back together, she continued to message the previous guy telling me that she owed it to him and felt bad (note: no concern over how I would be feeling about this). Anyhow, since then whether she has been messaging/cheating again is anybody guess, I realised a long time ago that if she really wanted to, there was nothing I could do to stop it happening without driving myself mad and that I would have to trust her. If she did it again and I found out then she would be out and that would be that, period. I have my concerns that she is upto something dodgy again but nothing concrete.

Anyway, her behaviour has always been very dramatic, emotional and basically on her terms with little regard to me or how I feel. Over the last 18 months we have had alot of bad luck whereby whatever we touch has gone wrong and it has been a very stressful period. Her behaviour has got worse with frequent outbursts if something upsets her, mostly in private (infront of our children) but occasionally in front of other people which is basically embarrassing. She is critical of almost everyone and I know that she es about my family to her family almost daily, not to mention nasty comments about them to ME!

Our sex life is a joke and has been for the last 15 years or so, a handful of times a year on her terms and she almost never does anything to me if she will get nothing back in return, again on her terms or nothing.

I have finally realised that she is self centred and not a very nice person (after all the above, believe it or not, I have ignored the obvious and my gut feelings).

This has been going on for so long now that it has become the norm and it is only the fact that her behaviour is so bad that I have come to the realisation that it can probably never be repaired. I have certainly done all I can.

If I left, she would take me to the cleaners financially (somewhere in the region of $1000 per month as well as responsibility for the mortgage) and the thought of being away from my two children who I love more than anything is hard to even imagine. That said, staying is becoming impossible. I do unsociable hours at work and don't really meet new people so am worried that I would not meet anyone else and the thought of staying put and hoping things will change, along with the financial element still appeals even though I know deep down that it'll only get worse. I have tried explaining how I feel but she either turns it against me or just says 'don't be silly'. She has even accused me of an affair when I have never done anything and after being in the receiving end of one (hers), I never could.

Any advice would be most gratefully received.

You should have been done after the first time! She does not love or respect you, but you do not love or respect yourself.

End this. It is unhealthy for all involved. I also suggest counseling, you are a complete doomat to this woman.

Is there someone else you are starting to notice or interested in? A lot of this sounds like a rehearsal for a future affair partner.

-Our sex life is a joke and has been for the last 15 years or so.

 

-If I left, she would take me to the cleaners financially (somewhere in the region of $1000 per month as well as responsibility for the mortgage)

 

-the thought of being away from my two children who I love more than anything is hard to even imagine.

No, there is nobody else. That said, I have started to think more and more about what the future would be like if I did go. Another concern of mine is that whilst what I have posted is accurate, my partner would obviously have a completely different view and/or would just deny behaving in such a manner despite the facts (she has already done this). Therefore, how do I know that I am not the one in the wrong??

Two things would help you clear a lot of things up. One is to privately consult an attorney to see what divorce would entail for you and what the options are. And starting to get your ducks in a row since you are contemplating it. The other is individual therapy for yourself to help you manage the stress and conflict and also help guide you whether staying or leaving is the best course of action. Going around and round in right/wrong, he said/she said circles will solve nothing. And that is where you are stuck right now.

I have started to think more and more about what the future would be like if I did go. my partner would obviously have a completely different view and/or would just deny behaving in such a manner. how do I know that I am not the one in the wrong??

Many thanks, excellent advice. :-)