Anger or Truth?? Advise sought after..

Please bear in mind i have been lurking on these forums since 2011 on a daily/weekly basis so i have read a lot of advice/experiences in all respects.

To keep this to the very shortest (although it may be a little long), ill try to explain this quickly. Me 35, her 27. Engaged in Venice last nov 2017. Been together nearly 6 years due in March 2019. We both work full time jobs earning a decent living. We dont live together (although she does stay at mine every night) but still has all her stuff at her parents house. I live with my parents and my 11 year old child (From my last relationship) and we live a fairly comfortable lifestyle despite me not being able to afford a house just yet.

Our relationship in a nutshell - has been through ups and downs as most relationship has. Drunken nights with emotional and verbal abuse (a lot less these days) from both sides. We use to party quite a bit but we have since slowed down a lot (possibly clubbing once every 3-6 mths) in the recent 1-2 years together. This was my idea to stop going out all too much as there was no point for us to go out clubbing because it normally causes us to fight and argue (we sometimes have good nights out too). It is normally great and we get along mostly fine. Over the past 6 years i have been working hard, saving up just for us to go on holiday. I pay for all daily expenses e.g. holidays, petrol, food, movies etc even though we both earn the same. I do owe her some money from time to time which i borrow to use for going out for dinners, holidays etc but i do pay her back slowly. Dont get me wrong, she has bought stuff for me as well and also paid for a few dinners on occasion.

Last week - I had forgotten to tell her that i went out with my best friend (a guy) and my son for dinner. She then found out and went all angry at me saying why didnt i tell her about it and thought i went out drinking that night (she stayed home that night) which we didnt. it was just dinner then home. She then wanted to look at my bank account transactions (online) which i politely declined while she was saying stuff like "its not an issue of privacy since we are engaged!". For me, i never asked to look at her bank statements or accounts. Anyway she dropped this and everything seemed fine.

Friday night - she went out with her best friend for some drinks and met up with me after that (as i went out with some mates to a bar). She did not drink much but i was quite intoxicated. She came in gave me a big hug and started kissing me which was nice. Nothing happened and everything was fine.

Sat night - i couldnt go out due to my parents being out so there was nobody to babysit the kids. She had made plans with her other best friend to have dinner and have some cocktails in town. I told her i couldnt make it and she was a little upset but asked if i would join them later at the cocktail bar. I was feeling kinda unwell due to the night before so i told her i would just stay home and wait for her. She then texted me at around 12:30am saying she will be home shortly and that she will not be going clubbing and further that her friends bf with drop them off (note : we all actually hang out together - double dates etc so i know them fairly well). She got home at around 2:15am which to no surprise she had been clubbing. She went straight to the toilet to throw up and came into the room. I was mad as we always said we would not go clubbing and get drunk without one another. I got up and went to the local bar to have a beer. Got home at 3:30am and she was fast asleep.

Sun morning - She wakes up and calls her sister to pick her up ( i normally take her home in the mornings). I was still mad at her and ignored her. At around 5pm, i receive a text saying "lets go on a break". I went over to her house and we had a chat in my car. She said " i just cant do this with you anymore. I love you but i dont see a future with you. We bring out the worse of each other". She says im selfish, that she feels alone all the time and that she comes second best. Let me briefly explain these three points:

1) selfish - She says she does not get to do what she wants and always has to put up with my "schedule". Like as in, we do things accordingly to my plans etc. But in all justification - I have a son which i need to look after as well full time. She further brought up all small petty excuses such as me sleeping before her and snoring which makes her unable to sleep, that I always (not always :/) throw a tantrum because she takes a long time to get ready before she go out (always late).

2) Feels alone - she says all we do is i take her to work in the mornings, pick her up in the evenings and after she showers (around 9-10pm) she comes over and we just sleep. We do not spend time with each other etc. She says i play too much games in the evenings while she showers at home these days and we do not spend time watching movies or "chilling" with one another. This is partly true but we do spend time together. My justification is i play games while she showers ( could take up to 2 hours) and then pick her up after just to kill time.

3) 2nd best - well she feels like shes in some sort of competition with my 11 yr old son for my attention and time. I mean she says hes a good kid however she says hes not her own which makes it hard. Years ago we had this same issue arising. I thought she was over it and accepted the whole situation being together for nearly 6 years.

Anyway, we talked in the car and i said i didnt want a break because a break means break up in my opinion and would rather a clean break up. She says she wants to be alone for a while and see how it goes. I asked her for another chance to make things better. Stop playing too much games and focus on our relationship. She was mainly angry on the fact that i had left her drunk at my house and did to take care of her when she needed me the most (quoted her words). However, She finally agreed (after having a whole day of crying - to her friends and in front of me). Went out for dinner and a movie. Held my hands, asked me to hug her etc etc. Asked if she wanted me to stay over at hers and she said yes. Everything was normal again.

My dilemma: I fear that i will become a doormat in which when the right guy comes along, that will be the end of our relationship. Was it all just angry talk from her because i walked out on her while she threw up and did not care about her? (she tends to overreact quite often when shes angry and says nasty things) OR was it for real that she sees no future with me ?. I cant quite tell this time although i know that women tend to say things which really bothers them and that i should learn to listen to what they are saying. I am also a firm believer of relationship breaking points every 3 years. I guess the main question for me is, should i prepare for the worse or was this all anger that was talking. Regardless of which, im the kind of guy who would try my absolute best to change my flaws whether it's too late or not just because one day, when i look back at this relationship, i could say i have given it my best shot.

Thoughts?

You have a son, which is your priority. Your schedule is not completely your own in this regard. It sounds like she is jealous of that situation and would be better suited with a mate that does not have to split his time and attention with a child. You need a woman who accepts that he is a priority, as you have chosen to make him your number one (understandable).

However, perhaps it would not have been as big of an issue as it is if you made regular time for dates. From what you detailed, it sounds like you don't give her the best of you when you are together. Watching movies at home is probably the laziest way of dating and she doesn't even get that? I could see where she would be upset since there is no prioritization of quality time together. Any healthy relationship requires quality time. If you are ignoring her in favor of video games, that's a problem.

I had roommates who took 3-4 hours to get ready before going out--and they basically looked the same--so while I don't understand it, I know there are women out there that take a long ass time to prep for a night out. Also don't really get the need for 2 hour showers, I'll be honest. So while she is doing these things, that's when I would choose to do the things you enjoy that are done without her instead of pressuring her to change her habits (losing battle).

Sleep is huge. If your snoring keeps her up, I suggest that she either gets ear plugs, sleeps in a different bed, or you do what you need to do on your end to take care of some of the snoring (certain sleep positions make it worse, weight gain, etc. they also have strips that can help open your air ways if that's a problem). Not getting quality sleep will make anyone crabby and less tolerant. It's not a minor thing.

But, honestly, it seems to me like this relationship may have run it's course. I certainly hope you guys both grew out of the verbal abuse you described earlier in your post. Getting throw up drunk in your late 20s as a passive aggressive move to get back at you is just childish. Expecting you to take care of her vomiting messes is also not something I would want in a partner, to be frank. She doesn't sound very mature to me, but if this relationship has any hope of working out I really feel you need to make quality time a priority with her. This would be an issue with any woman, not just her. Make sure when you are together there are regular weekly dates, etc. and not just warm bodies next to each other in bed.

You have a son, which is your priority. Your schedule is not completely your own in this regard. It sounds like she is jealous of that situation and would be better suited with a mate that does not have to split his time and attention with a child. You need a woman who accepts that he is a priority, as you have chosen to make him your number one (understandable).

 

However, perhaps it would not have been as big of an issue as it is if you made regular time for dates. From what you detailed, it sounds like you don't give her the best of you when you are together. Watching movies at home is probably the laziest way of dating and she doesn't even get that? I could see where she would be upset since there is no prioritization of quality time together. Any healthy relationship requires quality time. If you are ignoring her in favor of video games, that's a problem.

 

I had roommates who took 3-4 hours to get ready before going out--and they basically looked the same--so while I don't understand it, I know there are women out there that take a long ass time to prep for a night out. Also don't really get the need for 2 hour showers, I'll be honest. So while she is doing these things, that's when I would choose to do the things you enjoy that are done without her instead of pressuring her to change her habits (losing battle).

 

Sleep is huge. If your snoring keeps her up, I suggest that she either gets ear plugs, sleeps in a different bed, or you do what you need to do on your end to take care of some of the snoring (certain sleep positions make it worse, weight gain, etc. they also have strips that can help open your air ways if that's a problem). Not getting quality sleep will make anyone crabby and less tolerant. It's not a minor thing.

 

But, honestly, it seems to me like this relationship may have run it's course. I certainly hope you guys both grew out of the verbal abuse you described earlier in your post. Getting throw up drunk in your late 20s as a passive aggressive move to get back at you is just childish. Expecting you to take care of her vomiting messes is also not something I would want in a partner, to be frank. She doesn't sound very mature to me, but if this relationship has any hope of working out I really feel you need to make quality time a priority with her. This would be an issue with any woman, not just her. Make sure when you are together there are regular weekly dates, etc. and not just warm bodies next to each other in bed.

Thanks for your input. First of all we go on dates every fortnight (as my child's mother has him once every fortnight - weekends and half of every school holidays). We actually watch at least one movie or sometimes two a week at the cinemas :). I take her out on pretty expensive meals on many occasions as well - we eat out at least once or twice a week. When my child isnt around, we eat out normally one meal on sat and one on sunday. We normally go for long walks (without my son) in the forrest/bush/park u name it. I only play video games when she goes home to "shower" and would pick her up when shes ready around 90%. Normally by time she gets back to mine, we stream a movie together.

Thanks for the input on snoring - will try some sort of resolution.

We have however come a long from getting drunk and throwing up. We hardly ever drink that much these days apart from hanging out with our good friends and have a beer or two (well sometimes we over do it as bad habits are hard to change). We do have many quality times together and we tend to do it over the weekend like normal people?. As i said, we do regularly head out for shopping, dinners, movies etc on the weekend.

Perhaps, if you weren't eating and drinking out so much you could save money to move out of your parents house. You are 35, have you always lived with them?

Do you have any plans for saving money? You both sound financially irresponsible.

Look, if going out partying, getting wasted to the point of puking, clubbing, etc, etc, etc is what she wants to do and who she is, that's perfectly fine and her prerogative. You don't get to control her or tell her that she can't. If this kind of a lifestyle doesn't work for you, then you end the relationship and find a woman who is more mature and past that lifestyle.

At the same time, your response to her clubbing was also childish. Going out drinking in your own right...I mean, I'm truly shaking my head here. You both need to grow up...and you are a father with a child so wth are you doing? Your behavior was beyond immature.

Harsh reality is that your relationship is toxic - jealousies, insecurities, drinking, getting wasted, irresponsible and childish all around. Meanwhile, your 11 year old is growing up watching this mess. Time for you to stop playing and start being a more responsible dad and setting a better example for your son than this. Your priority shouldn't be how to hang on to this chick but how to send her packing, so you can find a healthier relationship and be a better example for your son. What you are doing now ain't it.

Harsh reality is that your relationship is toxic - jealousies, insecurities, drinking, getting wasted, irresponsible and childish all around. Meanwhile, your 11 year old is growing up watching this mess. Time for you to stop playing and start being a more responsible dad and setting a better example for your son than this. Your priority shouldn't be how to hang on to this chick but how to send her packing, so you can find a healthier relationship and be a better example for your son. What you are doing now ain't it.

This ^^^

Yep - when I was reading your account I had to scroll back to check again how old you both were; this is more the kind of behaviour you'd expect from teenagers. To an extent it seems you realise this, in that you've cut down on the partying and clubbing, but you still seem to be as much into the silly games as she is. Perhaps if you focused on moving out from your parents' place, this would be the first step in really taking hold of your responsibilities as a parent and an adult, both of which would be very difficult with a partner like this.

What sort of future would you like, ideally, for you and your son? Or, to put it another way, if you were to think about the ideal woman you'd like your boy to grow up with... would someone who gets uncontrollably drunk and then gets angry with you for not dealing with the consequences feature in that scenario? Or who feels in competition with him? There are plenty of people around who are fine with kids from previous relationships...

Also, you can ditch that belief that relationships reach breaking points every three years. They don't necessarily. But believing they do is likely to become a self-fulfilling prophecy.