The Dreaded "Three-Month" Not Ready For A Relationship Mind Frame

Hey guys, this isn't about me, it's about a good gf, who has been dating her bf for around three months.

Prior to meeting her bf, she was a big on-line multi-dater and was actually having a blast. For years she was living this lifestyle, which sounded a bit crazy and exhausting to me but she loved it. And having the time of her life. I struggled sometimes keeping up with all of it!!

She was juggling so many guys, they would drop off, then return, she'd meet new guys, and remained positive and open to all she was experiencing.

But then she met this guy. Not on line, he helped her when her car wouldn't start one day.

They set up a date and things progressed very quickly. They became exclusiive within 2-3 weeks, she deactivated all her on line profiles, they were spending so much time together, she met his mom, he met her son, all within the first month!

I often asked her if things were moving too fast, if she missed her "old" life and every time she would assure me, no, no, no, this man was "it" she was in love with him, NO DOUBTS whatsoever. She told me she was going to marry him someday!

So I was like, okay wow, I was actually proud of her and also a bit envious that she was able to be so sure, so quickly and able to spend sooooo much time with him and make that commitment!!

Well, perhaps you can guess what happened?

The other night (approx 3 months in) she told me she and bf had a fight. SHE initiated it. I asked what happened and she replied "I don't think I am cut out to be in a relationship"!!

I am a pretty experienced girl and certainly have had my share of short-term relationships that have not worked out (nothing close to what happened here), and even I was shocked when she said this, given how totally ga ga she was about him, claiming how madly in love she was, gushing about him nearly every second, talking marriage, he was literally "IT" for her -- I honestly thought they would be married within the year!!

Anyway, she told me she missed her friends (partying), her old life and just was not ready for "all this." Said she wanted her freedom back!

Three month mark. So she broke up with him!! Is back on Tinder.

So what is up with this three-month suddenly realizing you don't want a relationship?

We typically hear from women claiming their boyfriends "aren't ready" but in this case it's the woman!

What do you think it is?? Fear of commitment rearing its head? By the woman?

She certainly was not just 'stringing him along" for sex, they did not even have sex for the first month and she admitted it wasn't even the best she's had but dam it she loved him! Her words.

Thoughts??

3 mos is one of those dating/mini-relationship situations that last until the novelty wears off. Serial dating is very common. She's smart to end things when she realizes she shouldn't take it further than serial sating for a few weeks/couple months stretch.

she told me she and bf had a fight. SHE initiated it. I asked what happened and she replied "I don't think I am cut out to be in a relationship"!! she told me she missed her friends (partying), her old life and just was not ready for "all this."

I think three months is so often a make or break time. For both. I think she got ahead of herself and was doing the “smug married” thing - the whole breezy “oh you know I just know he’s the one - it’s so easy when you just know “. Very often that’s the beginning of long term. And I’m always a bit wary of those who shout it from the rooftops that soon - that need to gush often is because of insecurity. To me people who are in a good place in their relationships are actually more quiet - quietly confident or even understated. Your friend is with “the one” as long as there’s no argument or conflict. Then she’s built this up so much that one fight pulls off the rose colored glasses and she’s ready to call it a day.

As an aside I love how they met!!

3 mos is one of those dating/mini-relationship situations that last until the novelty wears off. Serial dating is very common. She's smart to end things when she realizes she shouldn't take it further than serial sating for a few weeks/couple months stretch.

I know Wiseman, but she claimed she wanted to marry this guy, that she was madly in love, he was "it" for her!

I dunno, to go from all that to suddenly "not being ready" seems a bit over the top.

I mean I have ended relationships after 3-4 months after realizing we were not a good fit.

But I never claimed to be in love (I was not) or wanting to marry the guy.

She's madly in love with being "madly in love", not anyone in particular except the thrills and chills, lol.

but she claimed she wanted to marry this guy, that she was madly in love, he was "it" for her!

I think three months is so often a make or break time. For both. I think she got ahead of herself and was doing the “smug married” thing - the whole breezy “oh you know I just know he’s the one - it’s so easy when you just know “. Very often that’s the beginning of long term. And I’m always a bit wary of those who shout it from the rooftops that soon - that need to gush often is because of insecurity. To me people who are in a good place in their relationships are actually more quiet - quietly confident or even understated. Your friend is with “the one” as long as there’s no argument or conflict. Then she’s built this up so much that one fight pulls off the rose colored glasses and she’s ready to call it a day.

As an aside I love how they met!!

There actually was no conflict or arguments prior to her initiating one once she realized she "wasn't ready." It was intentional on her part.

I get what you're saying but geez, the way she went on about him, she literally lit up when talking about him!

She's madly in love with being "madly in love", not anyone in particular except the thrills and chills, lol.

Yeah maybe, this was the first guy (in years) who actually stuck around!!

She has claimed to being "very into" men before but they would leave, return, leave, return, rinse repeat.

Hmmmm.

Your friend sounds like she requires a lot of attention, that there's a certain high she's seeking from romance that she doesn't get elsewhere, and that, romantically, she doesn't quite know what she wants but likes to experiment with what is right in front of her to fine tune those wants.

To me, this relationship you've described isn't really different from multi-dating. It was fun, kind of shallow, big words not withstanding. I suspect what she likes about multi-dating—the buzz of "feeling," the excitement, the rush—is what she liked in this. When that lost its potency, the meadow of a burgeoning relationship became a cage, got kind of boring, lacked the flair of the swipe leading to a saucy cocktail.

At the end of the day, we're all just using other people to find ourselves, especially in the world of dating, especially early on in a relationship. Maybe after a good stretch of romps and juggling and swiping this had become a something she half-consciously itched to "try," with dude being dynamic enough (initially) to give "serious" a go. And, sure, maybe she hasn't reconciled something that leads to a knee-jerk fear of commitment.

The thing about not being cut out for a relationship—that's just a fallacy. From what you've described, she is always in a relationship, or relationships, of a sort. But she has a binary view, takes comfort in the juggling being non-relationship-y while this was too relationship-y. Is there really a difference?

I think your friend is addicted to love. When you meet someone new and you fall in love, it's a natural high. Your heart pounds, your mind swirls, you even lose weight because you don't think about eating. And after three-months, the honeymoon period starts to wane, and all that adrenaline coursing through your systems starts diminishing. This is when the relationship changes into becoming more stable and comfortable. Obviously your friend is addicted to the adrenaline rush and loses interest when it wears off.

You didn't say how old she is. She can certainly go through her 20s this way, dating lots of guys and having fun. I think when she gets into her 30s, she will have to start forming more permanent relationships or she'll get stuck in this constantly dating bachelorette lifestyle. But at the moment, I don't think there's anything to worry about.

 

Your friend sounds like she requires a lot of attention, that there's a certain high she's seeking from romance that she doesn't get elsewhere, and that, romantically, she doesn't quite know what she wants but likes to experiment with what is right in front of her to fine tune those wants.

 

Spot on! She is a good friend but yes a bit of an attention, um "seeker" -- even she has admitted this!

Prior to bf she seemed addicted to all the attention she was receiving from different men. Gave her a high, like a drug!

DZ, she is 35.

Right.

Look, I can relate to your friend, in ways. Though I'm super reserved when it comes to making dewy proclamations—much as I love lust, I don't mistake it for love—I can be quick with a certain shade of intimacy. The glass of wine, the revealing discussion, the pheromonal juju as the evening goes on, the thrill of being in an unfamiliar apartment with an unfamiliar person who feels, just then, oddly familiar. It's intoxicating!

It's also, in my opinion, kind of shallow if you do it enough and/or you're lucky enough to discover the joys (the high) of deeper connection. To me, that sparkly intimacy is just what dating is—always a swipe away, but a mini high indulged in in the hopes of seeking an even more powerful one.

And, ideally, you have other sources of highs so you don't get too fixated on romance, or too swept up in it, to be the fix. And those highs, ideally, are connected to some of your deeper layers—the ones past fluttery eyes and hips and shoulders and consensual romps that feel vaguely subversive—and so part of you (to get really high on romance) needs those things appreciated, too.

This is just another case of "the candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long". It happens to people who like the idea of a relationship or intimacy, but put no real work/thought into it. It is all about instant gratification, hence the extreme views so soon, and the high in the beginning. However, it is superficial and doesn't last.

She believed the feelings she had at the time, but they didn't hold any weight once she finally realized the gravity of where things were heading (aka reality). She liked and indulged in the fantasy. She is right; she is not relationship material until she matures more. This is a classic red flag in the dating world. Too many get burned by such a person.

This is just another case of "the candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long". It happens to people who like the idea of a relationship or intimacy, but put no real work/thought into it. It is all about instant gratification, hence the extreme views so soon, and the high in the beginning. However, it is superficial and doesn't last.

 

She believed the feelings she had at the time, but they didn't hold any weight once she finally realized the gravity of where things were heading (aka reality). She liked and indulged in the fantasy. She is right; she is not relationship material until she matures more. This is a classic red flag in the dating world. Too many get burned by such a person.

Thanks yatsue, I think you are spot on with this.

Anyway, as you can probably sense, being the idealist that I am (wrong or right), I have become a bit disillusioned as I guess I wanted to believe a love like that, so strong, so intense, so fast, existed and could last.

She on the other hand, seems fine!!

You all make so much sense and logically I know you are right, while on the other hand a part of me still trying to process and understand it.

She definitely was not in love.

Sounds like she may have some trust issues and does not like people to get close

This has nothing to do with 3 months, or with her age. This could have been 3 weeks, and she could be 65. That is irrelevant.

What's relevant is, as so many have said, she likes the high. The attention. She likes, as Batya put it, being a "smug married" (which BTW I loved when I heard it first in Bridget Jones!).

Once that high wears off, it's like any other drug. It produces oxytocin for her, and her serotonin receptors need to fire again. So she picks a fight so she can get the high-high-high from all the right-swipe matches she knows are awaiting her on Tinder.

She will be 75, doing the same thing at the senior dances. She'll be the Blanche Devereaux (if you don't know who that is, then shoot me 'cause I'm really old, lol). The Samantha.

Something in her childhood, her makeup, makes her need excitement, drama, attention, to be desired, and once she achieves it, it's like any other drug. She needs it to survive.

I know Wiseman, but she claimed she wanted to marry this guy, that she was madly in love, he was "it" for her!

 

I dunno, to go from all that to suddenly "not being ready" seems a bit over the top.

 

I mean I have ended relationships after 3-4 months after realizing we were not a good fit.

 

But I never claimed to be in love (I was not) or wanting to marry the guy.

Exactly. My ex was the same way.

It's terrible to do with someone. Real mindf-ck. Telling them you are madly in love and want to marry , then immediately dumping in a three month period

She definitely was not in love.

 

Sounds like she may have some trust issues and does not like people to get close

Yes they did get very close, she would speak about the long intimate talks they would have, right from the beginning, she opened up so much and shared so much of herself, as did he.

At the time (prior to her suddenly feeling she wasn't ready) she welcomed it, seemed very open to it!

I even asked her, doesn't all this "scare" you a bit, the intensity of their conversations, becoming so close so soon? Do you ever feel like you need a break from it?

She would adamantly respond "NO"! I LOVE being close!

But then she ran from it.

 

This has nothing to do with 3 months, or with her age. This could have been 3 weeks, and she could be 65. That is irrelevant.

 

What's relevant is, as so many have said, she likes the high. The attention. She likes, as Batya put it, being a "smug married" (which BTW I loved when I heard it first in Bridget Jones!).

 

Once that high wears off, it's like any other drug. It produces oxytocin for her, and her serotonin receptors need to fire again. So she picks a fight so she can get the high-high-high from all the right-swipe matches she knows are awaiting her on Tinder.

 

She will be 75, doing the same thing at the senior dances. She'll be the Blanche Devereaux (if you don't know who that is, then shoot me 'cause I'm really old, lol). The Samantha.

 

Something in her childhood, her makeup, makes her need excitement, drama, attention, to be desired, and once she achieves it, it's like any other drug. She needs it to survive.

Yeah, another spot on, great post LG.

And yes of course I know who Blanche Devereaux is!

"A Streetcar Named a Desire", a classic!! :)

Yes they did get very close, she would speak about the long intimate talks they would have, right from the beginning, she opened up so much and shared so much of herself, as did he.

 

At the time (prior to her suddenly feeling she wasn't ready) she welcomed it, seemed very open to it!

 

I even asked her, doesn't all this "scare" you a bit, the intensity of their conversations, becoming so close so soon? Do you ever feel like you need a break from it?

 

She would adamantly respond "NO"! I LOVE being close!

 

But then she ran from it.

My ex was the same

My ex was the same

Care to share? I give you permission to hijack this thread!

Hearing other stories like this, going from this much intensity to literally nothing, might help me (and others) better understand it -- the mind frame.

Yeah, another spot on, great post LG.

 

And yes of course I know who Blanche Devereaux is!

 

"A Streetcar Named a Desire", a classic!! :)

Actually Blanche Devereaux is from "Golden Girls". She was the Samantha of that show. All fun, all sex, all men......but no commitment.

(see, I am old!)

Blanche Dubois is "A Streetcar Named Desire".

Care to share? I give you permission to hijack this thread!

 

Hearing other stories like this, going from this much intensity to literally nothing, might help me (and others) better understand it -- the mind frame.

If I were home I would, but I am on my phone, I would be happy to bore you. Long story.

I will say that I am grateful for the relationship, as it showed me how unavailable I was. He was the king of red flags.

Actually Blanche Devereaux is from "Golden Girls". She was the Samantha of that show. All fun, all sex, all men......but no commitment.

(see, I am old!)

 

Blanche Dubois is "A Streetcar Named Desire".

LOL!! (Embarrassed emoji).

You are right, and no I am not all that familiar with Blanche Devereaux although I am somewhat familiar with Golden Girls, seen a few episodes in reruns, but not enough to know names.

Yes LH Girl, Bridget jones and I feel like I knew of smug married before. I met many of them lol. I had a friend like your friend -all insisting he was "the one" and they spoke several times a day "because that is what works for us" and she accepted his proposal after less than 6 months - lots of gushing and bragging. Then a month or so later moved in with him and his kids. Then reality hit. But it was the reality others have written of -the reality of a relationship -meaning not red flags or something he particularly did. She is around 50 now and this was about 15 plus years ago (and yes she multidated, met many men on line, etc). One child who is around 12 who I think she had after a short term relationship. I believe she is married now though.