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Thread: Am I doing something wrong?

  1. #1

    Am I doing something wrong?

    Hey everyone,

    So, quick disclosure, I've been in a same-sex relationship for six years. We've been living together for a few years now, but lately I've been getting the feeling that we're really not meshing well together. This post probably contains some themes considered NSFW, so read on if you're willing. I wrote this earlier today after I got out of bed:

    "...and now comes the passive-aggressive stomping and slamming of things he's holding, as he marches around the kitchen making himself a cup of tea to start his day. This comes after the uneventful morning he spent in my bed, after I got up once to have food and stretch out my back, and then returned and cuddled with him, with no initiation of sex on my part.

    While cuddling we were close together, but, once again, we did not have sex. This is because, as I see it, he is after sex whenever we share a bed, but he doesn't want to involve me in it.

    What I mean by this is that I am required to do everything. I have to give his body attention with my hands, I have to kiss him deeply, I have to feel him and excite him, I have to please him, and if I don't do any of this then I'm disappointing him, which he lets me know about by sighing and staring at the wall or roof. I am like a toy that has a specific use in giving him release by first being penetrated, and then by being ridden until he finishes a second time. If I happen to finish in that time then he says he doesn't feel guilty.

    Today after I laid next to him for half an hour after returning to the bed, receiving at one stage a small rub to my back and at another stage one rub to my leg while occasionally giving small kisses, he rolled over and stared at the wall and started sighing, until he sighed heavily one last time, swung his body to the side of the bed, grabbed his pants and stormed out of the room. And then there was stomping, loudly dropping the kettle on its stand, and throwing spoons into the sink while he started his day.

    No doubt after the next time we have sex, he will say "two weeks!", which for him is a way of saying "Gosh it's been so long since we've had sex, I almost died of thirst", adding to any preexisting feelings of guilt, making it feel like I'm at fault for his lack of satisfaction as if it's my duty to please him whenever and wherever, as I am his partner and it's why I am here. I've told him not to do this before, but there are times he's tried to make jokes out of it when I've complained, so now it's almost expected."

    Outside of this kind of occurrence we get along pretty well, and our friends often say how good we are together. We'll happily spend time together when we're not busy with work or something else we have on our schedule, which is a lot easier when you're living with someone and can just sit next to them on a couch, but beyond occasionally enjoying the same TV shows we don't have a great deal in common. For example, I am a huge fan of video games whereas his interests lie in horror movies. I'm a lot more physical when it comes to other hobbies and interests as well, and I'll happily play a sport with friends when I can.

    I mean, I still care for the guy a ton and don't want to see him upset, but, like, am I doing something wrong, or is this one of those 'fundamental' relationship problems?

  2. #2
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    Well, the thing you did wrong was pick the wrong guy. He's very selfish with his feelings, you have nothing in common, and he wants you to do all the work in sex. He seems he has problems with intimacy. I'm not really seeing the benefits to this relationship. It sounds like you're being used and you must be tired of it since you're posting your problem here. You've put up with this for 6 years, do you want to put up with it for another 6 years? Or more?

    I think you should reevaluate your relationship and think about exactly what are you getting from it. I'm thinking there might be nicer guys out there that could return your affections. Your current boyfriend doesn't seem able to. So the only thing you've done wrong is fallen for the wrong guy.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately, it sounds like you are incompatible on many levels, especially when it comes to sexual expectations. Can you discuss it instead of each of you huffing, puffing and emoting rather than talking like two adults? All you can do is schedule therapy for yourself with someone sensitive to gay relationships and get some guidance as to how to communicate better and try to increase your overall satisfaction with this arrangement.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Even if you are 'doing something wrong,' the way that he is dealing with it is completely inappropriate. He is acting like a toddler who lacks language skills as well as intellectual and emotional maturity. Adults resolve problems by identifying the symptoms and causes, and then discussing them. Babies throw temper tantrums because they lack these necessary skills. Cowards are passive aggressive.

    Why is he behaving this way after 6 years of dating? I am not sure. Perhaps there is some external influence acting upon him? Maybe he has become interested in someone else?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    It sounds very one sided. He expects things to go his way or he punishes. That's not even close to being okay.

    Do you feel comfortable enough to sit down and talk to him on how this can't go on? Or how he is making you feel used? Or how he needs to be fair in his giving and receiving?

    If you answered no, then he is not the right one for you.

    You should be able to talk with your partner on all of these problems and be fair with each other.
    If you can't talk with him and you know he's going to get even more upset, then it's time to call it a day.

    As for that slamming and stomping around business, no way would I accept that from a grown adult and even less from a so called partner. That alone would be a deal breaker.

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    truthfully it sounds like hes cheating on you and is horrible at hiding it.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    truthfully it sounds like hes cheating on you and is horrible at hiding it.
    How do you just randomly come up with that? Just curious.

    Couples grow apart, they can have communication issues or even times when they don't feel so close, etc. That doesn't mean straight away that they are cheating.

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    "...........................

  10. #9
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    Why do you allow this? He is manipulative, selfish and passive aggressive. You have shown him that you lack all boundaries when you go along. Have you spoken to him about this behavior?

    Stop doing what you are doing. I also suggest counseling. If he does not agree, it is time to move on.


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