A Lost Odyssey

It's been more than four years I broke up with him. I still can't believe myself I have survived with such a grueling pain. My heart still hurts, I still wake up with tear marks on my cheeks. Sometimes I even dream of him. Many may say that I should move on and find someone else. But I believe I loved the right person and one can’t have multiple soulmates. I had invested myself entirely in this relationship, I wanted to grow old with him, and have a life that I always dreamt of. He is still my one true love. To speak the truth, I find no one attractive now and I even put a wall in front of me so that other persons are unable to know me and find me desirable. I don't laugh when they tell a joke to impress me; I simply ignore their signs. My past still haunts me and limits me to a new relationship.

People may think I am still stuck in my past. I would have accepted the break up if one of us had cheated or misbehaved or did something disrespectful, but the reason was none of them. We did not break up because there was a lack of love, because we were out of options. We were cowards and took the easier way out. We didn't fight for each other. We got scared. As a matter of fact, I did not want to back off, and I was ready to do anything. But a warrior cannot win a battle if she is lonely and there is no support. Even though I love him the most, I will never forgive him for leaving me behind, but I do not want to harbor resentment as well. I did not deserve this betrayal. I wonder if he loved me like the way I did unconditionally. Was he with me only because of lust? Because physical intimacy is easily available, and he doesn't need me for that.

Sometimes I ask God why he chose me to go through such pain, why can't I still have a normal life? To be honest, God did reward me with other things; he helped me to evolve and have confidence in myself. Nonetheless, I am still taking the test of life. When will I have a normal life, a life where I can laugh again? I feel tired, my head feels light, and I feel a continues stream flowing inside me. I am desperately waiting to feel the twinkle in my eyes because of the overwhelming joy of life not because of the struggle with myself. People think I am blessed with everything, here I question myself, am I?

First of all, there is no such thing as a soul mate -- there are several right people for everyone out there, but if you sew yourself into a cocoon and decide no one else exists, you will never find any of them. You have put yourself in a completely impossible situation with your thinking by deciding that you could not ever be in another relationship and that the one that didn't work out was perfect. In this way, you never need to move on and you never need to find happiness, you can just spend the rest of your life in mourning.

Get some therapy, you need to rework your thinking so you can see life as full of choices instead of as an impossible situation you can never get yourself out of. You have set yourself up for a lifetime of depression and unhappiness and it is all your own doing. You deserve better. Treat yourself better.

What a waste of your life. I suggest counseling. This is really unhealthy!

I agree with Hollyy, you are truly wasting your life pining for 4 yrs for some guy who doesnt want you anymore. Stop the drama, get yourself some therapy and get over him once and for all. There's plenty of good guys out there but you'll never find one until you stop the pity party.

Petals -

There is other information that would be so helpful if you could share - such as:

How long were you in this relationship? Was it your first? Are you fresh out of high school or in your thirties? All these things would be helpful to those of us that might want to offer you some real advice.

Once upon a time, I was in the same head space that you find yourself in now. i had already been thru 2 marriages and 2 divorces (yeah, I know), and was on my own for awhile. Which was fine by me. Suddenly I met someone that made me think that I had Finally found the right guy. Absolutely no question. My last divorce had left me in a terrible state of mind - fearful of anyone getting too close. But this guy was able to cut thru all the walls I had built around my heart. For the first time, I could imagine being with someone til the end of time.

But that didn't happen. i had let my walls come down, and allowed myself to become vulnerable. And *poof* - he disappeared from my life and everything came crashing down.

There are 2 reasons I am telling you this story - 1) so you know you are not alone. Many people have gone thru an excruciatingly painful, inexplicable breakup. Not that it makes it okay, but it does help you see that the powers that be have not singled you out to suffer. And 2) It is possible that you put up the wall because without it you feel exposed and vulnerable, and you are protecting your heart from being hurt ever again.

The good news is that you can and will get past this (if you choose to). But to get that happy, laughing self back, at some point you will have to allow the wall to come down. It doesn't have to be all at once. Baby steps in that direction are okay. But you have to make that choice.

Feel free to send me a message if you wish.

Be kind to yourself.

to Hollyj & melancholy: IMHO - telling a 1st time poster "what a waste of life" & "go get therapy" is more toxic than helpful

Hi Kalikat,

I understand I should have provided some background. This was my second relationship and we were in ungraduate level when we started dating. We dated each other for 3 years and I had my best time with him. We had to break up due to family issues but I knew I could fix everything with his help. However, he totally showed no interest in trying to keep us together. I want to add one more thing that, he showed this face right after the family incident and before that we were absolutaly fine. Hence, it still makes me wonder if he truly loved me otherwise he wouldn't have leave me.

Petals -

 

There is other information that would be so helpful if you could share - such as:

How long were you in this relationship? Was it your first? Are you fresh out of high school or in your thirties? All these things would be helpful to those of us that might want to offer you some real advice.

 

Once upon a time, I was in the same head space that you find yourself in now. i had already been thru 2 marriages and 2 divorces (yeah, I know), and was on my own for awhile. Which was fine by me. Suddenly I met someone that made me think that I had Finally found the right guy. Absolutely no question. My last divorce had left me in a terrible state of mind - fearful of anyone getting too close. But this guy was able to cut thru all the walls I had built around my heart. For the first time, I could imagine being with someone til the end of time.

But that didn't happen. i had let my walls come down, and allowed myself to become vulnerable. And *poof* - he disappeared from my life and everything came crashing down.

There are 2 reasons I am telling you this story - 1) so you know you are not alone. Many people have gone thru an excruciatingly painful, inexplicable breakup. Not that it makes it okay, but it does help you see that the powers that be have not singled you out to suffer. And 2) It is possible that you put up the wall because without it you feel exposed and vulnerable, and you are protecting your heart from being hurt ever again.

The good news is that you can and will get past this (if you choose to). But to get that happy, laughing self back, at some point you will have to allow the wall to come down. It doesn't have to be all at once. Baby steps in that direction are okay. But you have to make that choice.

Feel free to send me a message if you wish.

Be kind to yourself.

 

to Hollyj & melancholy: IMHO - telling a 1st time poster "what a waste of life" & "go get therapy" is more toxic than helpful

Hi Kalikat,

I understand I should have provided some background. This was my second relationship and we were in ungraduate level when we started dating. We dated each other for 3 years and I had my best time with him. We had to break up due to family issues but I knew I could fix everything with his help. However, he totally showed no interest in trying to keep us together. I want to add one more thing that, he showed this face right after the family incident and before that we were absolutaly fine. Hence, it still makes me wonder if he truly loved me otherwise he wouldn't have l

So the guy dumped you 4 years ago and you wonder if he's pining for you? Obviously not. You've got to move on. You weren't soulmates. You've grieved enough. Right now, you're probably suffering from depression, and I agree that you might want to see a doctor or a therapist to help you shake it.

Firstly - Kalikat* ~ Thankyou for your empathic post. I have worked as a counsellor and if I told my clients "Stop wasting your life" and "Stop the pity party" and such comments, I don't think I'd be in business very long. It truly doesn't help someone who is obviously in trouble...People will say such things out though out of their own frustration and lack of understanding....

This forum can really be a great help to people but I came here to get away from such sentiments. Sadly it seems to happen in all public forums which are full of untrained people who are only here volunteering their own free time.

Petals - My heart goes out to you. Who is anyone to dictate how long someone should grieve the loss of something that was so special to them? When I tell people I never recovered from my divorce, they truly don't understand....unless they are experiencing the same thing....

About a year ago, a family here went on a holiday to the beach. Whilst the mother and two of the children played on the beach the father went out surfing with his eldest daughter who was about 17. Whilst out in the water, the daughter was attacked and killed by a great white shark right in front of him and the whole family...

Horrific right. So how long should that father grieve his loss and how would he go about it?

Is that situation any worse than someone loses the love of their life....?

The answer is no, it is not. Loss is Loss and Grief is Grief....

And when you know that person is still alive and somewhere out there, the grief can actually become quite complicated....When someone dies, you have no choice.....

When someone dies they die for everyone and there is an outpouring and ongoing support from the community. When someone leaves us they only 'die' for us. They are still very much alive for everyone else and we are not afforded the same levels of sympathy.

I've seen people totally melt down over the loss of a treasured pet.....

As KaliKat* says, I lost my family and everything else and I suffer greatly still 13 months out...How long 'should' I grieve the loss of that?...2 months? 6 months? 2 years?.....so you are not alone*

I do agree though that if you can afford it, you need to reach out for help. If you seek counselling, find the right one. Some are better and more helpful than others so shop around.

You have what is known as Complicated Grief or Unresolved Grief and need help to work through that.

Have you heard of Attachment Theory? It starts in utero, is shaped in childhood, and is with us throughout our entire lives. It goes a long way to explaining why we react the way we do to the loss of someone we loved. It is different for different people....I think you could look for a counsellor who knows about this....

I have to commend you for hanging on for this long. Grieving and suffering really gets draining the longer it goes on....

BoltNRun* has recounted a few times the story of a friend of hers that ended up institutionalized because she never recovered from her breakup. It's not the majority, but it can and does happen....

If you can start now to put some things in place that will help you I am certain you can and will love again. I have loved deeply no less than 12 times in my 50 years. This last one is the toughest yet, probably because I was so heavily invested in all areas, but I remain confident that if I can get through it, love will come again....

I think you've taken the first step by posting here. That took courage because of the expectations society has around how long someone should take to get over something...or at the least, get past something.....

I highly recommend the books and videos by Guy Winch and Susan Anderson.

I am starting a form of hypnotherapy this week in another ditch attempt to get through this....I've tried so many things already...

That's all I have for now. Again, my heart goes out to you and let's see if we can push past this, no matter how long it takes....

You are still breathing so something inside you wants to*

Much Love

Carus*

What was the reason he broke up? What do you mean by family issues? Is there disapproval from your or his parents because of cultural, religious or other differences?

It sounds like you are quite depressed, withdrawn and stuck in a cycle of ruminating and cognitive distortions that include myths and magical thinking.

It's been more than four years I broke up with him. I believe I loved the right person and one can’t have multiple soulmates. I am desperately waiting to feel the twinkle in my eyes because of the overwhelming joy of life not because of the struggle with myself.

I'm sorry to hear that you are still struggling so long after the breakup. I agree with the other poster that suggested that perhaps you are suffering with depression- therapy along with some antidepressants would do you a world of good and help get you out of the rut that you appear to be stuck in.

There isnt a person out there that hasnt been through what you are going through. I went through a breakup 6 months ago. I have a winner's mindset. I really loved him at one point in my life, I thought that we were soulmates but time revealed that wasnt the case. And thats ok. It is what it is. But I am alive and above ground this morning when someone, somewhere didnt even wake up today. So I still have time to recover, and let the man for me find me. But for that to happen, i have to be receptive to loving another man and giving love another chance- other men will know from my facial expressions, my body language and just my overall energy if that is the case- and I will either attract men or repel them based on the energy that I exude. So I look forward to loving another man and being in love and even getting married. I have plenty of options and the time to use discernment and choose more wisely a better man for myself this time around.

I know that you are hurting, but your mindset about it, and what you are doing to try to heal, is what will determine when you move on. Time doesnt always heal wounds, in my opinion. It's how you use that time.

As for your situation, you may never understand why he gave up on you. You will have to give yourself that closure. He just wasnt the man for you, that's all. The universe moved him out of your sphere of existence so that the right man that will love every hair on your head, love all of your flaws, adore everything about you- will come into your life when you least expect it. Most importantly, the man that's meant for you wont ever give up on you. Until then, please try to heal from these wounds that you still carry. He is out and about, living his life. Life is too short and too uncertain to be unhappy. Come to sites like this one for support, and again, please see a therapist if you can.

What was the reason he broke up? What do you mean by family issues? Is there disapproval from your or his parents because of cultural, religious or other differences?

 

It sounds like you are quite depressed, withdrawn and stuck in a cycle of ruminating and cognitive distortions that include myths and magical thinking.

Hi,

By soul mates, I wanted to mean we used to understand each other very well and were sure about our future. I was emotionally ready to spend the rst of my life with him. Howeverm both of our parents didn't accept the relationship and suggested us to end it. I knew I could fix things if I had some time but he obyed his parents order like a good kid and didn't even try to save the relationship. I tried to talk it out but he seemed to indifferent. I was stunned by his new face because just before this family incident he was fully commited to the relationship and was ready to do anything to stay beside me. His drastic changed shocked me deeply and I was emotionally drained.

Hi,

 

By soul mates, I wanted to mean we used to understand each other very well and were sure about our future. I was emotionally ready to spend the rst of my life with him. Howeverm both of our parents didn't accept the relationship and suggested us to end it. I knew I could fix things if I had some time but he obyed his parents order like a good kid and didn't even try to save the relationship. I tried to talk it out but he seemed to indifferent. I was stunned by his new face because just before this family incident he was fully commited to the relationship and was ready to do anything to stay beside me. His drastic changed shocked me deeply and I was emotionally drained.

I agree with others who say telling someone to just get over it is harsh but at some point you do have to realize you have to make some changes. 4 years is far too long to just sit with this.

At this point, it’s safe to say his isn’t about the person but what he triggered in you. It defies logic to still be stuck. So while get over it isn’t helpful neither is coddling you so you remain in the hole for another 4 years.

Have you considered professional help?

I'm sorry to hear that you are still struggling so long after the breakup. I agree with the other poster that suggested that perhaps you are suffering with depression- therapy along with some antidepressants would do you a world of good and help get you out of the rut that you appear to be stuck in.

 

There isnt a person out there that hasnt been through what you are going through. I went through a breakup 6 months ago. I have a winner's mindset. I really loved him at one point in my life, I thought that we were soulmates but time revealed that wasnt the case. And thats ok. It is what it is. But I am alive and above ground this morning when someone, somewhere didnt even wake up today. So I still have time to recover, and let the man for me find me. But for that to happen, i have to be receptive to loving another man and giving love another chance- other men will know from my facial expressions, my body language and just my overall energy if that is the case- and I will either attract men or repel them based on the energy that I exude. So I look forward to loving another man and being in love and even getting married. I have plenty of options and the time to use discernment and choose more wisely a better man for myself this time around.

 

I know that you are hurting, but your mindset about it, and what you are doing to try to heal, is what will determine when you move on. Time doesnt always heal wounds, in my opinion. It's how you use that time.

 

As for your situation, you may never understand why he gave up on you. You will have to give yourself that closure. He just wasnt the man for you, that's all. The universe moved him out of your sphere of existence so that the right man that will love every hair on your head, love all of your flaws, adore everything about you- will come into your life when you least expect it. Most importantly, the man that's meant for you wont ever give up on you. Until then, please try to heal from these wounds that you still carry. He is out and about, living his life. Life is too short and too uncertain to be unhappy. Come to sites like this one for support, and again, please see a therapist if you can.

Hi,

Thank you so much for your supportive words. Since the incident I am having trust issues. I feel like if I have to go through one more heart break I will difficult for me move forward.

I have not thought about professional help yet but I have started watching motivational videos recently. I try to occupy myself by studying, traveling and cooking etc. I am getting positive results so far but there are times when I don't want to get up and face the world. All the sweet memories turn into a nightmare and haunt me till I break into tears. I don't ubnderstand why this is still happening. I want to recover, move on and be happy. I am grateful that I stumble onto this amazing forum.

Why do both of your families disapprove? How old is he? It is a problem with age? Religion? Social class? Culture? Are either of you scheduled for an arranged a marriage to someone of your parents' choosing and within your own social group, religion, culture?

both of our parents didn't accept the relationship and suggested us to end it. he obyed his parents

Why do both of your families disapprove? How old is he? It is a problem with age? Religion? Social class? Culture? Are either of you scheduled for an arranged a marriage to someone of your parents' choosing and within your own social group, religion, culture?

There is a financial difference between our families and his family history didn’t impress my parents. I knew our parents reacted this way out of ego but I could convince them if I had given time. Some reckless comments from his parents also fueld the issue and made everything complicated.

What reckless comments and to whom? Do you even remember? It's been 4 years. Or are you lonely, not dating anyone, recently broken up, in an unhappy relationship, etc. and struggling to remember this story? Why haven't you dated. Is he married by now?

reckless comments from his parents also fueld the issue and made everything complicated.

What reckless comments and to whom? Do you even remember? It's been 4 years. Or are you lonely, not dating anyone, recently broken up, in an unhappy relationship, etc. and struggling to remember this story? Why haven't you dated. Is he married by now?

My parents were not happy with the relationship and it offended his mom. She taught my parents judged his family not as same as us. It was very messy. He is not married now but he is dating someone. We don’t live in the same country anymore.

I agree with others who say telling someone to just get over it is harsh but at some point you do have to realize you have to make some changes. 4 years is far too long to just sit with this.

 

At this point, it’s safe to say his isn’t about the person but what he triggered in you. It defies logic to still be stuck. So while get over it isn’t helpful neither is coddling you so you remain in the hole for another 4 years.

 

Have you considered professional help?

Could you reccomend a book/ video/ podcast etc.?

Have you dated since the breakup 4 years ago? Hopefully you have found someone who your parents approve of and who you can be happy with.

he is dating someone. We don’t live in the same country anymore.

Have you dated since the breakup 4 years ago? Hopefully you have found someone who your parents approve of and who you can be happy with.

No, I haven’t. I am currently a student now and want to give my whole concentration on it. Since he was very good to me during the relationship and I had some of my best moment with him, I tend to compare every man to him. I know this is silly and every person is different but I cannot help myself!

I find that a common thing in people who take too long to recover from break ups is an inner feeling that maybe you think you weren't good enough for the person who broke up with you. And that leads to thinking you will never find someone like that again. So it's really about a person's own perceived inadequacies.

I felt the same way after some break ups, especially the one that brought me to this site. The only way you can change that is making changes and improving yourself towards the person you want to be. Not to fit whatever an ex maybe thought you should be.

It's really hard to become confident after a break up. They shatter our self-esteem. But in time, if you keep making those changes, getting into new hobbies, educating yourself and growing overall as a person, you may start to think that you're happy with yourself and if others don't like you they can just leave. It's really important do pursue things and objectives that YOU like and want. These are the ones who will give you actual confidence and a feeling of happiness. Happiness comes from us feeling happy with ourselves, not with whatever other people think we should be or do.

One thing is for sure: taking long to recover from a break up is much more about us than it is about who broke up with us. The whole 'the one' fantasy is just a ... fantasy. Once you realise that the attachment to that person comes from other aspects of your life (including your past) and not the person itself, it's a good start to heal.

Another thing: if you're taking years to heal from a break up, it just shows you were not in a good place to be in a relationship anyway. It almost justifies the reason the person broke up with you. If you told someone who you are dating that you'd take years to get over a potential break up, they'd leave straight away and never look back. It just shows an unhealthy attachment. One that needs working on to fix it.

Was he your only bf? If so then that's the only thing you have to compare. If you don't feel like dating because of studies, that is different than not dating because you are still hung up on someone 4 Years after a breakup.

Perhaps you need to make up your mind whether you are not dating because of studies or not dating because you can't get a date or not dating because your parents won't allow it/need to approve it or you can't let go of a bf from years and years ago.

You sound confused. Do your parents allow you to date? Is dating allowed in your culture or are things set up by parents for an arranged marriage?

I am currently a student now and want to give my whole concentration on it. I had some of my best moment with him, I tend to compare every man to him.

Carus, your advice is amazing ! X

Was he your only bf? If so then that's the only thing you have to compare. If you don't feel like dating because of studies, that is different than not dating because you are still hung up on someone 4 Years after a breakup.

 

Perhaps you need to make up your mind whether you are not dating because of studies or not dating because you can't get a date or not dating because your parents won't allow it/need to approve it or you can't let go of a bf from years and years ago.

 

You sound confused. Do your parents allow you to date? Is dating allowed in your culture or are things set up by parents for an arranged marriage?

Hi,

No, studies is not obstacling me from dating. The thing is I don't feel to date because it scares me, I am still vulnarable even after 4 years and I don't want to see myself going through the same misery if anything negetive happens. My parents are okay with my dating as long as the guy has similar social standard.