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Thread: Ex-wife is still too involved?

  1. #1
    Platinum Member rose2summer's Avatar
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    Ex-wife is still too involved?

    My boyfriend is very close with his ex wife, they share their kids 50/50, divorced 3 years ago.

    They do joint birthdays together for the kids, Halloween I spent alone, because its always him, his ex, and the kids, and I am not invited.

    Tomorrow he is flying away for a week with his ex to a vacation/conference and I was not invited. He said they are flying on the same plane and will spend the whole week together. He said this trip was planned before he met me so I really can't say much but when I asked if he would travel with his ex again, he said he cannot tell her what conferences to go to (she has no reason to go to these conferences, they are unrelated to her job). His ex and I work together and when he told her about me at first she was very happy and said how much she likes me and now she is very upset and saying negative things about how he should not date me because he's very prestigious, and gives me unfriendly looks at work.

    We have been together for 2.5 months so I can understand maybe why I am not invited, but I'm wondering at what point would it be reasonable for them to stop doing everything together like they are still an intact family. Also, his son has asked if I can not come over, which he agreed to, but when I said how much it hurt, my boyfriend said, he didn't mean it that way, and I think that's where this nesting situation is confusing the kids. His ex and kids are also calling repeatedly on our dates and disrupt our time together.

    I feel bad even complaining since he treats me very well and is a very kind person. I want to be understanding but are these red flags?

    Thank you for your advice! Rose

  2. #2
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Is it just him and her? Or are his kids going, too? It would be strange if she was just tagging along on her own as his ex wife, but I've known plenty of divorcees who share kids and go on joint vacations.

    As for the phone calls during dinner, I think it's fine to ask he ask them not to call during a set date time unless it's an emergency, but he's ultimately and understandably going to answer if his children or the mother of them ends up calling them. It's a shame if they decide to take advantage of that, but it is what it is.

    And, frankly, the son shouldn't even have to ask not to have you coming aroind while he's there. You shouldn't be involved with his kids in any capacity only two months in.

    What I don't understand is even in situations that are the most understandably off putting, why people want to start policing behavior of someone they've dated a handful of v weeks. if they're not a fit, they're not a fit.

  3. #3
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    Unfortunately, this situation has been going on for three years and is unlikely to change because, obviously, they all want things to stay the way they are.

    Are you afraid he will sleep with her while they're away together?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Boltnrun my guess is she is definitely afraid he will sleep with her on this week long working vacation.

    I dont think the kids should even know about her just 2 months in, it's much too soon.

    The ex wife and he will always have contact in some form since they have kids together.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    He lacks boundaries as far as his ex is concerned. She shouldn't even know who he is dating until it becomes serious so that she knows who her children will be introduced to. You have to hear about if the ex approves of you or not. Their conversations should be limited to the issue about raising their children only.

    Even if you became serious and were eventually invited to these joint b-day parties and trick-or-treating, etc., do you really want to have to spend time with his ex 3 or more times a year? In my case, I've only had to be around my husband's ex once when my stepdaughter graduated from high school, and I expect to only have to see her once more in my lifetime, when my stepdaughter gets married. To me, that's reasonable. I wouldn't have signed on for what you're putting up with.

    What you see is what you get. If you don't like how life will be with the extent he's involved with his ex, then exit now after only investing 75 days. That's the point of dating. To stick to who is right for you, and cut loose the ones who aren't.

  7. #6
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    Um yeah, you're not wrong for feeling uneasy about this.

    As others have said, this is simply their dynamic, and you are new to it. You will have to either fit into it, including phone calls during your dates, their trips and outings, and all else that comes with it.

    Sure, you can talk to him about it, but what would you say? You're new here. They've been running their show for many years, long before you came along. Whoever he dates will simply have to acquiesce to this situation.

    I couldn't do it.

    He's allowing these boundaries to get crossed, and here's a secret: he's allowing all of this because he likes it.

  8. #7
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    Way too early to meet the kids. I hope you weren't staying over? Bad judgement.

    The kids can call anytime they want. You are not in the right relationship. You should be dating a man without children.

    The trios together are ridiculous. He has not moved on from the ex.

  9. #8
    Super Moderator annie24's Avatar
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    IMHO, this guy probably isn't the one for you. I don't think that 2.5 months in that you have any standing on dictating his relationship with his ex and kids. I think you just have to decide now to either walk away or have a very open mind about their setup. I guess they are trying to do what is best for their kids, so you're going to have to accept this situation or move on.

  10. #9
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    I think you are going to need to part ways with this man, OP.

    You and he are both exercising questionable judgement if you're already hanging out with his kids around. It is much too early for that. In addition, he and his ex-wife are obviously still a tight unit. That is probably not going to change any time soon, however right or wrong it feels to the objective outsider. He sounds like he is still emotionally attached to her.

    You would likely be best to find a man without children and an ex-wife.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You've only been together 10 weeks. Do you and he and his ex all work in the same place? Many parents decide to co-parent for the kids' sake, and it can vary how they decide to do that. How old are his kids? There is no reason for you to tag along on things like trick-or-treating or kids birthdays at this point.

    However if you are uncomfortable dating a single dad with 50/50 custody in general or with his co-parenting arrangement in particular, it's time to consider whether this dating situation is right for you. If you don't have kids, it would be best to date men who also don't have kids.
    Originally Posted by rose2summer
    My boyfriend is very close with his ex wife, they share their kids 50/50, divorced 3 years ago. His ex and I work together. his son has asked if I can not come over, which he agreed to. His ex and kids are also calling repeatedly on our dates and disrupt our time together.

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