Ex-wife is still too involved?

My boyfriend is very close with his ex wife, they share their kids 50/50, divorced 3 years ago.

 

They do joint birthdays together for the kids, Halloween I spent alone, because its always him, his ex, and the kids, and I am not invited.

 

Tomorrow he is flying away for a week with his ex to a vacation/conference and I was not invited. He said they are flying on the same plane and will spend the whole week together. He said this trip was planned before he met me so I really can't say much but when I asked if he would travel with his ex again, he said he cannot tell her what conferences to go to (she has no reason to go to these conferences, they are unrelated to her job). His ex and I work together and when he told her about me at first she was very happy and said how much she likes me and now she is very upset and saying negative things about how he should not date me because he's very prestigious, and gives me unfriendly looks at work.

 

We have been together for 2.5 months so I can understand maybe why I am not invited, but I'm wondering at what point would it be reasonable for them to stop doing everything together like they are still an intact family. Also, his son has asked if I can not come over, which he agreed to, but when I said how much it hurt, my boyfriend said, he didn't mean it that way, and I think that's where this nesting situation is confusing the kids. His ex and kids are also calling repeatedly on our dates and disrupt our time together.

 

I feel bad even complaining since he treats me very well and is a very kind person. I want to be understanding but are these red flags?

 

Thank you for your advice! Rose

Is it just him and her? Or are his kids going, too? It would be strange if she was just tagging along on her own as his ex wife, but I've known plenty of divorcees who share kids and go on joint vacations.

 

As for the phone calls during dinner, I think it's fine to ask he ask them not to call during a set date time unless it's an emergency, but he's ultimately and understandably going to answer if his children or the mother of them ends up calling them. It's a shame if they decide to take advantage of that, but it is what it is.

 

And, frankly, the son shouldn't even have to ask not to have you coming aroind while he's there. You shouldn't be involved with his kids in any capacity only two months in.

 

What I don't understand is even in situations that are the most understandably off putting, why people want to start policing behavior of someone they've dated a handful of v weeks. if they're not a fit, they're not a fit.

Unfortunately, this situation has been going on for three years and is unlikely to change because, obviously, they all want things to stay the way they are.

 

Are you afraid he will sleep with her while they're away together?

Boltnrun my guess is she is definitely afraid he will sleep with her on this week long working vacation.

 

I dont think the kids should even know about her just 2 months in, it's much too soon.

 

The ex wife and he will always have contact in some form since they have kids together.

He lacks boundaries as far as his ex is concerned. She shouldn't even know who he is dating until it becomes serious so that she knows who her children will be introduced to. You have to hear about if the ex approves of you or not. Their conversations should be limited to the issue about raising their children only.

 

Even if you became serious and were eventually invited to these joint b-day parties and trick-or-treating, etc., do you really want to have to spend time with his ex 3 or more times a year? In my case, I've only had to be around my husband's ex once when my stepdaughter graduated from high school, and I expect to only have to see her once more in my lifetime, when my stepdaughter gets married. To me, that's reasonable. I wouldn't have signed on for what you're putting up with.

 

What you see is what you get. If you don't like how life will be with the extent he's involved with his ex, then exit now after only investing 75 days. That's the point of dating. To stick to who is right for you, and cut loose the ones who aren't.

Um yeah, you're not wrong for feeling uneasy about this.

 

As others have said, this is simply their dynamic, and you are new to it. You will have to either fit into it, including phone calls during your dates, their trips and outings, and all else that comes with it.

 

Sure, you can talk to him about it, but what would you say? You're new here. They've been running their show for many years, long before you came along. Whoever he dates will simply have to acquiesce to this situation.

 

I couldn't do it.

 

He's allowing these boundaries to get crossed, and here's a secret: he's allowing all of this because he likes it.

Way too early to meet the kids. I hope you weren't staying over? Bad judgement.

 

The kids can call anytime they want. You are not in the right relationship. You should be dating a man without children.

 

The trios together are ridiculous. He has not moved on from the ex.

IMHO, this guy probably isn't the one for you. I don't think that 2.5 months in that you have any standing on dictating his relationship with his ex and kids. I think you just have to decide now to either walk away or have a very open mind about their setup. I guess they are trying to do what is best for their kids, so you're going to have to accept this situation or move on.

I think you are going to need to part ways with this man, OP.

 

You and he are both exercising questionable judgement if you're already hanging out with his kids around. It is much too early for that. In addition, he and his ex-wife are obviously still a tight unit. That is probably not going to change any time soon, however right or wrong it feels to the objective outsider. He sounds like he is still emotionally attached to her.

 

You would likely be best to find a man without children and an ex-wife.

You've only been together 10 weeks. Do you and he and his ex all work in the same place? Many parents decide to co-parent for the kids' sake, and it can vary how they decide to do that. How old are his kids? There is no reason for you to tag along on things like trick-or-treating or kids birthdays at this point.

 

However if you are uncomfortable dating a single dad with 50/50 custody in general or with his co-parenting arrangement in particular, it's time to consider whether this dating situation is right for you. If you don't have kids, it would be best to date men who also don't have kids.

My boyfriend is very close with his ex wife, they share their kids 50/50, divorced 3 years ago. His ex and I work together. his son has asked if I can not come over, which he agreed to. His ex and kids are also calling repeatedly on our dates and disrupt our time together.

I agree that you either accept their relationship or move on. I would meet the kids when it’s almost engagement time or after unless you just meet them casually. But I wouldn’t stick around unless you accept the way things are.

 

Tomorrow he is flying away for a week with his ex to a vacation/conference and I was not invited. He said they are flying on the same plane and will spend the whole week together.

 

 

Nevermind questioning the timing of meeting his kids, nevermind the "close family unit" they have established, what's most troubling, at least it would be for me, is this^^^!

 

I mean like, what?

 

Come on, don't be so naive OP, they're vacationing together (um, a conference) alone for a week, divorce or no divorce, there is something happening here over and above being a "close family unit" for the sake of the kids.

 

It's not uncommon for couples to remain emotionally/sexually involved after the divorce; they realize they're not good together while locked into a marriage, but the attraction is still there and after divorcing, they get on much better, and continue to have sex, spend time, etc.

 

At only 2.5 months in, I would be wishing him well and walking away.

 

Would neither feel comfortable with nor trust it.

No, you can't ask him to stop doing thing together with his ex. It's not a date, is it? He is doing this for his children, which is perfectly reasonable.

 

What is first and foremost are the children, they are the victims in situations like this and what makes them the most comfortable is what should be priority.

 

You are the girlfriend and you only walked onto the scene less than 3 months ago. That doesn't give you a right really to anything at the moment, sorry but it doesn't.

 

Instead of being jealous, change the focus and see his actions as being for his children.

 

He is being a good dad and putting his kids first, I think that's great!

We have been together for 2.5 months

That, IMO, is enough time to realize that this man is not finished with his ex wife in the least and you would do very well to end your relationship with him and find a man that is actually divorced and not just playing he's divorced at your expense. He may be "divorced" but his action are not that of a man who has emotionally disconnected from that of his wife or the union.

Tomorrow he is flying away for a week with his ex to a vacation/conference and I was not invited. He said they are flying on the same plane and will spend the whole week together.

 

Missed this bit.

 

Are the kids going to? If not, then you need to realize that he and his ex are nowhere near being done with one another and to spare yourself some heartache, you need to leave graciously.

 

If they want to continue being together, there is nothing you can do about it.

OP, I noticed you have not returned since your original post.

 

What are your thoughts about what's been posted?

Thank you so much everyone for your advice!

 

Its the trio traveling together (him, ex wife, and kids) for this week.

 

I read everyone's advice and there are so many excellent points here.

 

I struggle with this situation as he is the kindest, nicest, most patient person I have ever dated. He is very attentive and goes above and beyond, but I struggle with the situation with his ex. I also have a son and am divorced, but I have no interactions with my ex so maybe this is all new to me? My last 2 relationships were with people who were 5-6 years younger, never married, with no children, but were not very mature, and the relationships were not sustainable.

 

He is 5 years older and very mature but also equally fun to be around. I wish I had peace with his relationship with his ex because I want it to benefit his kids but I also don't want to be the other woman. She has repeatedly told him that he is "too well respected" to date me, which is ridiculous and is not friendly at all since him and I started dating, so it's hard not to feel shamed by her and excluded on this work vacation. I trust him but I don't trust her because she told him that she wants to get back together on multiple occasions. He thinks she is very jealous of me which isn't an ideal scenario.

 

Their marriage ended because she cheated on him and has been with the same guy for 3 years, but despite being with this new guy tells him they should get back together.

Sadly, if you continue to date this guy, then his ex wife and their children are very much part of the package. Although you're not doing anything morally wrong - since he's technically divorced and available - in effect you are the "other woman" and will be subject to all the emotional strain that someone who was having an affair with a married man would be.

 

He has clearly not cut the emotional ties with his ex, and isn't likely to be doing so any time soon. There is absolutely no incentive for him to stop doing activities as an intact family, especially if he's got a partner who is willing to stand by, be patient, and tolerate being alone at holiday time and having dates constantly interrupted etc etc. I make no judgement as to whether this is good or bad, right or wrong, but what you need to ask yourself is if this is what you want from a relationship, and if not, cut loose. The longer you leave it, the worse the heartache will be.

 

Your guy may be the most wonderful person in the world - but he is not available for a meaningful relationship with anyone else right now, and you need to decide whether or not you could cope with that.

Thank you so much everyone for your advice!

 

Its the trio traveling together (him, ex wife, and kids) for this week.

 

I read everyone's advice and there are so many excellent points here.

 

I struggle with this situation as he is the kindest, nicest, most patient person I have ever dated. He is very attentive and goes above and beyond, but I struggle with the situation with his ex. I also have a son and am divorced, but I have no interactions with my ex so maybe this is all new to me? My last 2 relationships were with people who were 5-6 years younger, never married, with no children, but were not very mature, and the relationships were not sustainable.

 

He is 5 years older and very mature but also equally fun to be around. I wish I had peace with his relationship with his ex because I want it to benefit his kids but I also don't want to be the other woman. She has repeatedly told him that he is "too well respected" to date me, which is ridiculous and is not friendly at all since him and I started dating, so it's hard not to feel shamed by her and excluded on this work vacation. I trust him but I don't trust her because she told him that she wants to get back together on multiple occasions. He thinks she is very jealous of me which isn't an ideal scenario.

 

Their marriage ended because she cheated on him and has been with the same guy for 3 years, but despite being with this new guy tells him they should get back together.

 

They are probably still sleeping together as well.

Unfortunately, your very recent presence in his life will not change his relationship with his ex-wife and children, nor their co-parenting style. Yes it may be odd and new to you, but it is what it is and won't change. It's a package deal and a take it or leave it situation.

 

Perhaps their co-parenting style is a bit over-the-top, but it may also be something to learn from if there is still acrimony with your ex and that makes co-parenting more difficult for you and most of all your son.

 

Someone he is dating 10 weeks should not be included in a work, no less family vacations, family birthday parties or holidays for the kids. Well adjusted divorced parents have to learn to deal with this sooner or later all the way through being at kids weddings, becoming grandparents, etc. Not everyone hangs on to anger and forces kids to continually take sides.

 

Sadly it sounds like your own baggage with your ex and co-parenting is upsetting you and making you feel a bit envious. It's not about "trusting her". Whatever happens, happens because that's how he wants it to be.

 

It's very common to be this starry-eyed in the beginning and believe that she is the root of all evil and he is a prince and a hapless victim of her evil advances and she is the cause your exclusion from his life. It's also common to be jealous of his relationship with his children's mother, when you are this new on the scene.

Its the trio traveling together (him, ex wife, and kids) for this week. I also have a son and am divorced, but I have no interactions with my ex. I trust him but I don't trust her

Sadly, if you continue to date this guy, then his ex wife and their children are very much part of the package. Although you're not doing anything morally wrong - since he's technically divorced and available - in effect you are the "other woman" and will be subject to all the emotional strain that someone who was having an affair with a married man would be.

 

He has clearly not cut the emotional ties with his ex, and isn't likely to be doing so any time soon. There is absolutely no incentive for him to stop doing activities as an intact family, especially if he's got a partner who is willing to stand by, be patient, and tolerate being alone at holiday time and having dates constantly interrupted etc etc. I make no judgement as to whether this is good or bad, right or wrong, but what you need to ask yourself is if this is what you want from a relationship, and if not, cut loose. The longer you leave it, the worse the heartache will be.

 

Your guy may be the most wonderful person in the world - but he is not available for a meaningful relationship with anyone else right now, and you need to decide whether or not you could cope with that.

 

I agree with this and I think the only thing he is doing wrong is attempting to date someone seriously. If this is the arrangement he and his ex wife want it's a free country and he is entitled. I wouldn't judge "too close" or anything like that. But, he should have been honest from the get go about the relationship -not even "personal" -I mean the actual logistics including traveling with her. I dated someone 15 years ago for about 2 months. He had a short term ex girlfriend and from what I could glean she got pregnant on purpose because she was in her early 40s (he didn't want to tell me if this was true as he felt it wasn't fair to malign her that way but I could tell it was). The baby was born after we'd been dating about a month. He told me that he would be sleeping over at her place to help with infant feedings through the night. She very much wanted him back and wanted him to marry her. I completely understood why he would want to do overnight duty for his infant daughter and I knew right then I would never be able to handle this type of situation. We dated another month and I ended things. I had never dated someone with children and never been in this particular situation. Perhaps your boyfriend -giving him the benefit of the doubt -thought you would accept this/he could make it work . He's human. I still think he should have told you all the details right up front.

 

I'm sorry if you've grown attached -it will only get worse if you stay -the attachment and your resentment.

I think its wrong to expect the children to have you in their lives AT ALL. The son shouldn't have to ask for you not to come - you should not have met them yet.

 

I think its wonderful that he and his ex attend birthday parties together for the kids. I see nothing wrong with that. And YES he should be with his kids on Halloween instead of a 10 week girlfriend. I do see something wrong with the conference -- if they were both going to a work conferene and they happened to be on the same flight - that's not weird. But calling it a vacation is. Instead of keeping this to yourself, why don't you say "i don't know if you have dated much since you divorced, but this is how it looks....." I would tell him what the ex told you (about not to date him) and i would ask what the plan of pulling away to move on from the ex for a new relationship.

 

This guy is not far enough away from the divorce, methinks, even if it has been 3 years.

 

The calls are his problem, not hers. He needs to not answer during dates/ and or/not tell them he is on a date.

Op: I'm going to respectfully change your title from

Ex-wife is still too involved

to

 

New Boyfriend Still Too Involved With His Ex Wife

 

Time to look at it realistically!

Op: I'm going to respectfully change your title from to

 

New Boyfriend Still Too Involved With His Ex Wife

 

Time to look at it realistically!

 

Ha! This is perfect.