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Thread: Ex-wife is still too involved?

  1. #11
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    I agree that you either accept their relationship or move on. I would meet the kids when it’s almost engagement time or after unless you just meet them casually. But I wouldn’t stick around unless you accept the way things are.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member katrina1980's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by rose2summer

    Tomorrow he is flying away for a week with his ex to a vacation/conference and I was not invited. He said they are flying on the same plane and will spend the whole week together.
    Nevermind questioning the timing of meeting his kids, nevermind the "close family unit" they have established, what's most troubling, at least it would be for me, is this^^^!

    I mean like, what?

    Come on, don't be so naive OP, they're vacationing together (um, a conference) alone for a week, divorce or no divorce, there is something happening here over and above being a "close family unit" for the sake of the kids.

    It's not uncommon for couples to remain emotionally/sexually involved after the divorce; they realize they're not good together while locked into a marriage, but the attraction is still there and after divorcing, they get on much better, and continue to have sex, spend time, etc.

    At only 2.5 months in, I would be wishing him well and walking away.

    Would neither feel comfortable with nor trust it.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 11-11-2018 at 12:55 PM.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    No, you can't ask him to stop doing thing together with his ex. It's not a date, is it? He is doing this for his children, which is perfectly reasonable.

    What is first and foremost are the children, they are the victims in situations like this and what makes them the most comfortable is what should be priority.

    You are the girlfriend and you only walked onto the scene less than 3 months ago. That doesn't give you a right really to anything at the moment, sorry but it doesn't.

    Instead of being jealous, change the focus and see his actions as being for his children.

    He is being a good dad and putting his kids first, I think that's great!

  4. #14
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    We have been together for 2.5 months
    That, IMO, is enough time to realize that this man is not finished with his ex wife in the least and you would do very well to end your relationship with him and find a man that is actually divorced and not just playing he's divorced at your expense. He may be "divorced" but his action are not that of a man who has emotionally disconnected from that of his wife or the union.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Tomorrow he is flying away for a week with his ex to a vacation/conference and I was not invited. He said they are flying on the same plane and will spend the whole week together.
    Missed this bit.

    Are the kids going to? If not, then you need to realize that he and his ex are nowhere near being done with one another and to spare yourself some heartache, you need to leave graciously.

    If they want to continue being together, there is nothing you can do about it.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member katrina1980's Avatar
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    OP, I noticed you have not returned since your original post.

    What are your thoughts about what's been posted?

  8. #17
    Platinum Member rose2summer's Avatar
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    Thank you so much everyone for your advice!

    Its the trio traveling together (him, ex wife, and kids) for this week.

    I read everyone's advice and there are so many excellent points here.

    I struggle with this situation as he is the kindest, nicest, most patient person I have ever dated. He is very attentive and goes above and beyond, but I struggle with the situation with his ex. I also have a son and am divorced, but I have no interactions with my ex so maybe this is all new to me? My last 2 relationships were with people who were 5-6 years younger, never married, with no children, but were not very mature, and the relationships were not sustainable.

    He is 5 years older and very mature but also equally fun to be around. I wish I had peace with his relationship with his ex because I want it to benefit his kids but I also don't want to be the other woman. She has repeatedly told him that he is "too well respected" to date me, which is ridiculous and is not friendly at all since him and I started dating, so it's hard not to feel shamed by her and excluded on this work vacation. I trust him but I don't trust her because she told him that she wants to get back together on multiple occasions. He thinks she is very jealous of me which isn't an ideal scenario.

    Their marriage ended because she cheated on him and has been with the same guy for 3 years, but despite being with this new guy tells him they should get back together.

  9. #18
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    Sadly, if you continue to date this guy, then his ex wife and their children are very much part of the package. Although you're not doing anything morally wrong - since he's technically divorced and available - in effect you are the "other woman" and will be subject to all the emotional strain that someone who was having an affair with a married man would be.

    He has clearly not cut the emotional ties with his ex, and isn't likely to be doing so any time soon. There is absolutely no incentive for him to stop doing activities as an intact family, especially if he's got a partner who is willing to stand by, be patient, and tolerate being alone at holiday time and having dates constantly interrupted etc etc. I make no judgement as to whether this is good or bad, right or wrong, but what you need to ask yourself is if this is what you want from a relationship, and if not, cut loose. The longer you leave it, the worse the heartache will be.

    Your guy may be the most wonderful person in the world - but he is not available for a meaningful relationship with anyone else right now, and you need to decide whether or not you could cope with that.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by rose2summer
    Thank you so much everyone for your advice!

    Its the trio traveling together (him, ex wife, and kids) for this week.

    I read everyone's advice and there are so many excellent points here.

    I struggle with this situation as he is the kindest, nicest, most patient person I have ever dated. He is very attentive and goes above and beyond, but I struggle with the situation with his ex. I also have a son and am divorced, but I have no interactions with my ex so maybe this is all new to me? My last 2 relationships were with people who were 5-6 years younger, never married, with no children, but were not very mature, and the relationships were not sustainable.

    He is 5 years older and very mature but also equally fun to be around. I wish I had peace with his relationship with his ex because I want it to benefit his kids but I also don't want to be the other woman. She has repeatedly told him that he is "too well respected" to date me, which is ridiculous and is not friendly at all since him and I started dating, so it's hard not to feel shamed by her and excluded on this work vacation. I trust him but I don't trust her because she told him that she wants to get back together on multiple occasions. He thinks she is very jealous of me which isn't an ideal scenario.

    Their marriage ended because she cheated on him and has been with the same guy for 3 years, but despite being with this new guy tells him they should get back together.
    They are probably still sleeping together as well.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately, your very recent presence in his life will not change his relationship with his ex-wife and children, nor their co-parenting style. Yes it may be odd and new to you, but it is what it is and won't change. It's a package deal and a take it or leave it situation.

    Perhaps their co-parenting style is a bit over-the-top, but it may also be something to learn from if there is still acrimony with your ex and that makes co-parenting more difficult for you and most of all your son.

    Someone he is dating 10 weeks should not be included in a work, no less family vacations, family birthday parties or holidays for the kids. Well adjusted divorced parents have to learn to deal with this sooner or later all the way through being at kids weddings, becoming grandparents, etc. Not everyone hangs on to anger and forces kids to continually take sides.

    Sadly it sounds like your own baggage with your ex and co-parenting is upsetting you and making you feel a bit envious. It's not about "trusting her". Whatever happens, happens because that's how he wants it to be.

    It's very common to be this starry-eyed in the beginning and believe that she is the root of all evil and he is a prince and a hapless victim of her evil advances and she is the cause your exclusion from his life. It's also common to be jealous of his relationship with his children's mother, when you are this new on the scene.
    Originally Posted by rose2summer
    Its the trio traveling together (him, ex wife, and kids) for this week. I also have a son and am divorced, but I have no interactions with my ex. I trust him but I don't trust her

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