How on earth do you 'date'?

I've had long and short term relationships, but have never really 'dated' anyone. But this was all in my early 20's and honestly with younger men, and I just feel like I need a little bit of advice on how dating works.

I'm trying to do things in a bit more of a grown-up way now I'm getting a bit older and a bit more mature myself, but I'm not really sure how to go about things?

I've tested the internet dating waters, but I've not even gotten to the date part, because whilst talking to guys it becomes apparent what they are after...

And meeting guys in 'real life' isn't going exactly to plan either.

I know there aren't really one-size rules, but advice from experienced daters would be appriciated.

Honestly I feel too old to be this inexperienced in the dating world, but I've always gone from casual hook-ups to relationships without the wine-and-dine bit.

TIA

This at 36 I’m still trying to figure out. I had one real relationship in my life that lasted 11 years and ended three years ago. He and I didn’t date we just decided to be a couple right then and there.

So I’ve never had the whole ‘wine and dine’ experience either.

I think it comes to finding someone who wants to take things slow.

Sorry I couldn’t give better advice..

That's ok. Sometimes it's good to know you aren't the only one!

I met men who were looking for the same as me- marriage and family. I was proactive about going to places where likeminded people were (including women who introduced me to men -met one of my LTRs that way -a set up - and I've set up many people over the years). It wasn't always "wining and dining" but men asked me out on dates in advance and we did dinner, movies, museums, theater, walks, etc . I met over 100 men through on line dating sites and after first meets I went on dates with a number of them. For me dating meant getting to know the person through activities, conversation, etc -not necessarily taking things slow -although I always waited to have sex - but also not just hanging out with a guy I just met and hooking up. I did a bit of that too but it wasn't dating and it wasn't when I was looking for something serious. I was 29 when I first dated my husband -we met at work - but we then broke up for several years so he certainly wasn't the first or last person I dated. Dating can feel like a part time job depending on what you're looking for. Good luck!

It seems you are splinting hairs in order to define what "dating" is. If relationships started out hooking up then that was the "date". A lot of people have sex on first or second "dates". If you would like to slow down and have a few dates before sex, just do that.

Get a good profile and pics up on some dating sites with at least one more upscale pay site and start meeting men for coffee. If there is a second date, make that in public also and keep dates around 2-3 hrs. at first with no more than one drink. You know how to meet men and date, it's just a matter of not hooking up right away and having a few dates first in public places that don't end up at your place or his.

I've always gone from casual hook-ups to relationships without the wine-and-dine bit.

39 yr old here with plenty of experience, for better or worse, though I'm hardly an expert. "Dating," I think, is one of these adult things that no one really ever understands. Which, hey, is kind of the fun.

I kind of think dating is about knowing what you want (and don't) while being open to simply meeting new people, seeing where it goes, without much pressure about what it all has to mean, especially early. Maybe you make out, maybe you don't. Maybe you're bored, maybe intrigued. Maybe you meet a new friend, maybe (if it feels right) a brief lover on the path to real love. The more you can be curious about the whole experience, which is inherently bizarre, the more enjoyable it can be.

The apps are a crapshoot, and I can only imagine they can wear thin on women, who encounter a lot of dudes looking for some kind of low stakes collision, Tinder especially. Bumble seems to be better for weeding that out, but I guess at the end of the day you just build a muscle to shrug off the hookup-seekers without becoming cynical about the opposite sex. You can tweak your profile a bit, seeing if you start weeding that out.

My rule with the apps is to gauge pretty quickly if the conversation is remotely engaging—a compelling factoid, a dash of wit—and then see about meeting up. I generally suggest coffee or a drink, and no matter what (how striking the person is in photos, how sharp they seemed with bubble text) I go into app-dates with a pretty casual attitude. Not casual as in casual sex, but somewhere between "romantic date" and "hey—who are you?" I can't speak for all men, but being a big fan of the "wine and dine" I always pay—because, hey, romance is fun.

In person you know pretty quickly if there's a vibe, and you just kind of go from there.

I think dating isn't really defined in one specific way. Dating can be hanging out at home or going out. I would say that if you're looking to only date, keep your time spent together in public settings, whether it's dinner, or an event you're both interested in, a movie, or any combination. Avoid each other's homes, as things tend to escalate with some privacy. Don't plan on seeing each other every single day, at least not in the beginning, and maintain your normal life, even if you are not a highly active and social person and you tend to be home...in other words, don't completely blow your normal routines. We always fall into this in the beginning when it's really hot and new, but it's not sustainable long-term and you have to start getting back to some reality, and this can cause some turmoil in a relationship. Don't expect too much beyond anything more than a second date, or a third. A lot of my dates have started out with going out, but that gets expensive, and I love movies on the sofa, and those turn into our dates as well. Again, though, with some privacy, things can escalate, so that's really the only thing I can offer is to keep things public until you're in a place you can explore the sexual and exclusive aspect of a relationship.

Thank you for the replies. I don't have any dates lined up right now, but I'll keep some of these tips in mind :)

Dating is something I do with people I might be interested romantically in. It generally involves going out and doing something we both enjoy, having good conversations, and exploring what we might have in common. If we like each other, it's what we do to get to know each other better.

I wholeheartedly agree that things change as we get older. I used to just fall into relationships... throw caution to the winds and commit myself to the first person I saw where there was a mutual attraction, without really getting to know them before.

I am also trying things differently now... meeting a lot of different people, being more open minded as to what my "type" is, looking past the physical attraction at who they are and what they do.

Lot's of guys are after sex for sure, especially younger ones, and there is nothing wrong with this... you can weed out the ones that are looking for something more serious by holding that part of yourself back a little and setting some boundaries up front.

I always like the idea of doing things that you already enjoy doing and either inviting someone else along, or finding a group that shares the same interest in a particular activity. Less emphasis on ''dating'' and more emphasis on sharing experience. If there's some additional chemistry...explore it. If not...move along.

The term "dating" always struck me as being a concept from the 50s. You kind of have to make it "fit" into today's social landscape. What it means exactly, what the expectations are, varies with the individual. But that's half the journey, really: finding someone whose values align with yours.

Many animals as well as our ancestors have elaborate mating and courtship rituals. I guess now we call it dating. Birds in particular have some of the most elaborate and interesting courtship rituals before mating can happen. So who knows? Maybe "dating" is picking each others fleas if you're a macaque. Or having a catchy bird call and good tail feathers.

I think the posing and posturing that people go through these days to find a partner are as strange as some of those birds' rituals. I wonder what all of this will look like, 150 years from now.

Intergalactic dating?👾 Mixed human-Vulcan relationships?👽 Humanoid conjugation with the transfer of genetic material between cells by direct cell-to-cell contact?🤖