How can I move on?

One thing that I have always kept up with in my life, is that I am focused on only one woman, and not multiple women. When I was with my ex, she was my one and only woman that I cared about, the only woman that I wanted in my life. I was happy with her, and she just pulled everything away from me. I thought we could have had a future together, but now what could have been is no more. Since she left me, I've been like a lost dog who's been kicked out of a house: at first when the dog is fenced in or leashed, the dog is secure in it's surroundings being at home, but then the owners kick the dog out of the house, and the dog gets lost trying to find another another home. He knows his owners do not want him back; therefore he might go try to find another owner, or someone might pop out and take him in; it's just not certain. I feel like that dog, I'm lost, and I don't know what to do with myself.

I need to know this: How can I move on? I'm trying my best, but since my mind has been focused on this one woman for so long, it's been so hard for me to even consider other women. I went on Tinder, I don't want to flatter myself but I have received quite a good number of matches. I would try to message these women I match with, but in the end my mind is still on her. I'm not trying to jump into a rebound relationship, I'm just trying to get back out there and see what other potentials are out there. But, after all is said and done, my mind is still on her. I know it's over, and I'm trying so hard to get her off of my mind, but at this point it's like trying to rip sandpaper off a wall that's superglued.

People always tell me "dude, you're single and free! You're no longer on lockdown, go out and have some fun!' But I hate being like this. When I'm "single and free", that means that the best way I can go out and meet women is to go out to bars, coffee shops, or other areas and try to talk to women. My problem is, I hate being that loser single guy who seems desperate for a relationship. I just hate playing the field, I need a secure relationship. I was single for two years before I met my recent ex, so I had plenty of time to "focus on myself". My ex told me "you did nothing wrong", "you're a great person", this and that, when she left me, same exact thing my ex before her told me when she left me. I've just been hurt so many times.

Can anyone help me?

Well, despite the time you spent single before your most recent relationship, it sounds like you have dependency issues with partners. It is one thing to feel sad and a little confused after a relationship ends, but it is another thing entirely to be completely lost.

If you feel like you're coming off desperate for a relationship, its probably because you are desperate for a relationship. I am not judging you for this, but I would encourage you to get right with being on your own before you seek out a new partner. Hurting sucks. Grieving sucks. Yet, it needs to occur before you'll be ready to consider someone new.

I've been single for a year since my last breakup. Like you, I saw a future with this man and he was my one and only. It has taken a year of hard work, but I can finally say that he is no longer what I dream of when I think of my future. Now I am dating again and I'm doing it for me - not to try to stave off the pain of that breakup. Be kind to yourself and give it some time.

Whenever a man starts a conversation with me, I don't think "This is a loser single guy desperate for a relationship".

Where on Earth did you get this idea from? I'm guessing it's how you view yourself...not how women view you.

Whenever a man starts a conversation with me, I don't think "This is a loser single guy desperate for a relationship".

 

Where on Earth did you get this idea from? I'm guessing it's how you view yourself...not how women view you.

It's just my self esteem. I question my self worth all the time. People tell me I'm a handsome, good man, but I always get the feeling they're just telling me that and not meaning it. I mean I'm 6 feet tall, 160 pounds, I also have a young, youthful look, but a part of me just feels worthless, and I don't have confidence in myself at all. Both of my ex's were what any man would consider "10s", and that was reassured by my friends always telling me "dude, your girlfriend is a smoke show". Yet I still question my self worth all the time, I have no self-confidence personally, which is why I have always been scared to approach woman; both of my ex's I met online. My self-confidence and self esteem is something I've needed to work on for a while. I just always need reassurance from other people that I'm doing ok. My other issue is my depression: depression runs in my family, so I have a bad case of it myself. It's gotten worse ever since this breakup.

What would help me a lot for my self worth is if any woman would come up to me and tell me I'm an attractive man, because I always need that reassurance that I am, which is what would boost my self confidence. That's only happened once: I was at a donut shop with my friend years ago; one of the women that worked there knew my friend, and she texted him "he's mad cute, you can tell him I said that". We ended up having a small fling for about a month, then she stopped talking to me and I moved on. I question everything around me a lot, and I overthink. I know it's not healthy, but I really can't help it.

It's just my self esteem. I question my self worth all the time. People tell me I'm a handsome, good man, but I always get the feeling they're just telling me that and not meaning it. I mean I'm 6 feet tall, 160 pounds, I also have a young, youthful look, but a part of me just feels worthless, and I don't have confidence in myself at all. Both of my ex's were what any man would consider "10s", and that was reassured by my friends always telling me "dude, your girlfriend is a smoke show". Yet I still question my self worth all the time, I have no self-confidence personally, which is why I have always been scared to approach woman; both of my ex's I met online. My self-confidence and self esteem is something I've needed to work on for a while. I just always need reassurance from other people that I'm doing ok. My other issue is my depression: depression runs in my family, so I have a bad case of it myself. It's gotten worse ever since this breakup.

I've been with the same woman now for almost 6 months. Before I met her, I was in a horrible relationship for a year and a half where my ex cheated on me.

OPer, did you heal from that first breakup?

It's just my self esteem. I question my self worth all the time. People tell me I'm a handsome, good man, but I always get the feeling they're just telling me that and not meaning it. I mean I'm 6 feet tall, 160 pounds, I also have a young, youthful look, but a part of me just feels worthless, and I don't have confidence in myself at all. Both of my ex's were what any man would consider "10s", and that was reassured by my friends always telling me "dude, your girlfriend is a smoke show". Yet I still question my self worth all the time, I have no self-confidence personally, which is why I have always been scared to approach woman; both of my ex's I met online. My self-confidence and self esteem is something I've needed to work on for a while. I just always need reassurance from other people that I'm doing ok. My other issue is my depression: depression runs in my family, so I have a bad case of it myself. It's gotten worse ever since this breakup.

 

What would help me a lot for my self worth is if any woman would come up to me and tell me I'm an attractive man, because I always need that reassurance that I am, which is what would boost my self confidence. That's only happened once: I was at a donut shop with my friend years ago; one of the women that worked there knew my friend, and she texted him "he's mad cute, you can tell him I said that". We ended up having a small fling for about a month, then she stopped talking to me and I moved on. I question everything around me a lot, and I overthink. I know it's not healthy, but I really can't help it.

So, the only way you can feel good about yourself is if some woman tells you you're worthwhile (based on your physical appearance, from what you wrote).

You do see that is not sustainable, right? I mean, what happens if it's been two weeks since some woman told you you're cute? Will you get depressed again?

This is the core of your issues; no woman can fix that.

What do you think would help you with this idea? Other than hoping women give you "reassurance".

OPer, did you heal from that first breakup?

I did. I don't think about her anymore, and when I do, it doesn't bother me. I'm at the point now where if I were to see her picture with another man, it wouldn't bother me.

What do you think would help you with this idea? Other than hoping women give you "reassurance".

I don't know what would help me other than that. I've been working out a lot trying to build muscle, so maybe if I build more muscle that'll give me some more confidence; again, maybe. I don't know what would really help me.

I did. I don't think about her anymore, and when I do, it doesn't bother me. I'm at the point now where if I were to see her picture with another man, it wouldn't bother me.

That doesnt mean you healed.

I was in a horrible relationship for a year and a half where my ex cheated on me.

That takes more than not wanting to talk to them anymore to heal. Being cheated on can knock your confidence, like bolt said now you seem to seek validation through women so again I ask, did you heal from your last relationship?

That doesnt mean you healed.

 

 

 

That takes more than not wanting to talk to them anymore to heal. Being cheated on can knock your confidence, like bolt said now you seem to seek validation through women so again I ask, did you heal from your last relationship?

I'm not sure what you mean by "healed". I mean that situation will always have an effect on me because I am trying my best to never let that happen to me again, it will never leave. If you're saying "healing" in terms of formerly being hurt, I am no longer hurt anymore by that because it's been so long. So in my honest opinion, yes, I believe I have healed from that. But this new breakup just opened another wound that I'm waiting to let clot up.

I'm not sure what you mean by "healed". I mean that situation will always have an effect on me because I am trying my best to never let that happen to me again, it will never leave. If you're saying "healing" in terms of formerly being hurt, I am no longer hurt anymore by that because it's been so long. So in my honest opinion, yes, I believe I have healed from that. But this new breakup just opened another wound that I'm waiting to let clot up.

No I am not saying formerly hurt.

By healed I mean did you work through the experience in a healthy way and reach a point of clarity and acceptance. you're admitting you did not.

By not healing, this subsequent breakup did what it was expected to do, it compounded your pain. So right now instead of healing from one breakup since you didn't heal from the first you are now dealing with the pain of two breakups.

Maybe healed for you would mean you realized deep down that you're worthwhile and having been cheated on wasn't due to you being not good enough. It was her. Cheating is a thing weak people do. You really need to get where your self-esteem comes from within and not from your dates or women having the b@lls to walk up to you and tell you you're hot. Nobody would even do that with a Brad Pitt lookalike too often.

Do you think your physical appearance is the only thing you have going for you?

You mention your height, weight, facial attractiveness and now muscles. Do you think that is all women are looking for?

If YOU don't think you are worth much, it won't help you one bit if some woman says she thinks you're "cute".

For people with self esteem issues, or any other emotional/mental fragility, the advice is often to "work through it" or something of that matter. Its usually just left at that. But how does someone with issues that are the core of their being simply "work through it"? That sounds so simple and easy. But when you start going to therapists, reading self help books, and asking for advice, the advice is contradicting and nebulous. Do I sit with emotions? Do I distract myself? Affirmations seem cliche and hard to swallow. Does realizing that your parents lack of nurture REALLY change anything about who you are today? It didn't for me. I feel like your chances of finding a good therapist are very low, particularly depending on where you live. What the hell are you really supposed to do? There does not seem to exist a uniformly agreed upon treatment for people that suffer from low self esteem. It seems like people either flail about forever or magically realize their self worth. It's like you were born with it or you weren't.

Sorry to come off negative but Ive struggled with the same thing as OP for years.

I hear ya Teddy.

It's going to feel very lonely and empty as long as you are looking for constant flattery and women as props for your image. Have you considered therapy to get some guidance and navigate your depression and why superficial highs like who's on your arm at the moment or what you see in the gym mirror don't last.

Being this focused on your looks, image, muscles, etc may attract a few women for a short time, but soon they will get bored with your extreme focus on yourself. It could come off as conceited and shallow and that's an empty experience for them as well as for you.

People tell me I'm a handsome, I'm 6 feet tall, 160 pounds, I also have a young, youthful look. Both of my ex's were what any man would consider "10s", and that was reassured by my friends always telling me "dude, your girlfriend is a smoke show".

It's going to feel very lonely and empty as long as you are looking for constant flattery and women as props for your image. Have you considered therapy to get some guidance and navigate your depression and why superficial highs like who's on your arm at the moment or what you see in the gym mirror don't last.

 

Being this focused on your looks, image, muscles, etc may attract a few women for a short time, but soon they will get bored with your extreme focus on yourself. It could come off as conceited and shallow and that's an empty experience for them as well as for you.

I am not really "obsessed" with my looks, per say. Like I said I just have bad self confidence issues, which is why I'm scared to approach women. I was at the bar last night, I saw a couple good looking women sitting a few seats down from me; but accompanying them was some dude who appeared to be quite charismatic. A man like the one I saw is not the man I want to come off as. I have always been a laid back, go with the flow, kind of man. I never wanted to be pushy or aggressive in any way towards women at all; that's mainly the reason why I'm iffy on approaching women, because I don't want to come off that way. I just always get the feeling that if I were to approach women, they would think that all I'm trying to do is get a piece of *you know what*, and that's not the image I would like to profess to people. I have never been in to the hookup culture at all.

Hanging out in bars to meet women is mistake # 1. So is scanning the competition, etc. Most of all reading way too much pickup artist nonsense. Yes women you approach and try to pick up in bars would be correct in assuming you are looking for hookups.

Why not try more elevated, less superficial places to meet women? Why hang out in bars ogling women and be too shy to approach? Why shoot for barflies and club trash?

Aren't there classes, courses, etc you could take or some sort of clubs or groups you could join, like dancing, cooking, hiking, whatever? What about volunteering?

All those things would boost your self confidence a lot more than hanging out in bars with all the other horny guys drooling over the same 2 or 3 women, all prancing around like wannabe Adonises trying too be "cool" or think up lines. Perhaps that would help meeting women who don't frequent bars and who have half a brain as well as teach you new social skills and broaden your interests so you have some depth to offer..

For people with self esteem issues, or any other emotional/mental fragility, the advice is often to "work through it" or something of that matter. Its usually just left at that. But how does someone with issues that are the core of their being simply "work through it"? That sounds so simple and easy. But when you start going to therapists, reading self help books, and asking for advice, the advice is contradicting and nebulous. Do I sit with emotions? Do I distract myself? Affirmations seem cliche and hard to swallow. Does realizing that your parents lack of nurture REALLY change anything about who you are today? It didn't for me. I feel like your chances of finding a good therapist are very low, particularly depending on where you live. What the hell are you really supposed to do? There does not seem to exist a uniformly agreed upon treatment for people that suffer from low self esteem. It seems like people either flail about forever or magically realize their self worth. It's like you were born with it or you weren't.

 

Sorry to come off negative but Ive struggled with the same thing as OP for years.

Yes it is coming off negative but it’s your truth so it is what it is.

If a person is expecting an easy fix to heartbreak or low self esteem, to be quite frank, they’re fooling themselves. It may seem dismissive to be told you have to do the work but really that’s the answer.

I’ll give an example of one of my dear friends. I love her to death but while many of us were going to college and stressing and studying and working hard, she was bouncing from minimum wage job to minimum wage job and have multiple kids by different fathers, her prerogative, her life her choices, well years later she has 4 kids she can barely afford and is still hopping from job to job and is frustrated she can’t find anything steady that pays well enough to live comfortably with her 4 kids. While I can conisserate with her, I also remember very vividly her life choices. She’s expecting to be handed the same lifestyle her friends have when she didn’t put in the work. Life isn’t like that.

It’s the same with mental and emotional health. For the most part many take it for granted and do things to damage it. Usually damaged emotional health occurred because of things beyond your control whether it was a rough childhood or never learning proper attachment skills, even with that being said, it’s still, at the end of the day, our responsibility to look out for our emotional and mental health.

If I have abandonment issues and I choose to jump into relationships where those issues are triggered and exasperated my only option is going to be to do the hard work to heal myself, I don’t have any other options. And the hard reality is I’m pretty limited. My options are fix myself or to not enter relationships, but until I am whole every relationship will be a blow from a sledgehammer, because until I heal myself I am going to be incapable of handling relationships.

To expect total strangers to do what quite frankly you aren’t even willing to do is well... silly... there is no uniformity because there is no one solution. For one person healing their low self esteem may be going to their father and finally feeling acceptance, for another it may be finally accepting that their high school sweetheart cheated on them and it wasn’t their fault, for another it’s losing weight and buying a new wardrobe.

Do you see what I’m saying? There is no one fix. I think that’s why therapy is often advised because a professional can pinpoint the cause of your issues and walk you through healing from it

OPer by you going out and attempting to talk to women even though you’re petrified all you’re doing is exasperating the problem. You’re putting more and more bricks onto the huge bag of baggage your carrying on your back.

Why do that to yourself? It makes no sense to me. Why not work on yourself and then go out, the women aren’t going anywhere they will still be there when you’re in a better headspace.

Hanging out in bars to meet women is mistake # 1. So is scanning the competition, etc. Most of all reading way too much pickup artist nonsense. Yes women you approach and try to pick up in bars would be correct in assuming you are looking for hookups.

 

Why not try more elevated, less superficial places to meet women? Why hang out in bars ogling women and be too shy to approach? Why shoot for barflies and club trash?

 

Aren't there classes, courses, etc you could take or some sort of clubs or groups you could join, like dancing, cooking, hiking, whatever? What about volunteering?

 

All those things would boost your self confidence a lot more than hanging out in bars with all the other horny guys drooling over the same 2 or 3 women, all prancing around like wannabe Adonises trying too be "cool" or think up lines. Perhaps that would help meeting women who don't frequent bars and who have half a brain as well as teach you new social skills and broaden your interests so you have some depth to offer..

I don't read pickup artist BS. To me, there is no "cheats" to meeting women, people like those pickup artist people are just teaching others to shy away from being their selves and always trying to think there is a "game" to play.

There are lots of things to do around here, I just need to build up the motivation to get out there and do stuff. Right now I don't have any motivation. It's all just been go to work, go to the gym, go home, go to bed, repeat, for me. I work full-time, sometimes more, but I need some variety in my life, which is something I've been trying to work on.

Ok. You're in a bit of a grind. Maybe feeling down. That's ok. Just start looking around for social type classes courses, clubs groups, volunteering, etc. That are fun, interesting and where you get out more. Also cut down on drinking and parking on the couch. That can further getting depressed and withdrawn.

Right now I don't have any motivation. It's all just been go to work, go to the gym, go home, go to bed, repeat, for me. I need some variety in my life, which is something I've been trying to work on.

Oh, if only self-worth, self-confidence, and self-esteem came in pill form—wouldn't that be lovely? But, alas, it doesn't work that way. Nor does it work by having a random woman tap you on the shoulder and say, "You are attractive." I mean, if you really need a superficial reminder that you're hot just go to a gay bar or get some gay friends. I, a very straight man, love gay culture for a little ego shot when I'm feeling wobbly.

More seriously: I can only speak for myself, but I derive confidence and self-worth by exploring the edge of my comfort zone—on my own—and finding comfort there. I do this constantly, have basically always lived like this, and while I love outside attention (especially from the opposite sex) and gravitate toward relationships, I don't "need" that to feel whole.

Professionally, it means pushing myself to do things I'm not sure I can do, feeling a little jittery out on that ledge, fighting off the jitters, and being reminded that there's some kind of power in me that has nothing to do with the shape of my abs, my height/weight ratio, or if a "smoking 10" wants to take her dress off in my bedroom or stare into my eyes and whisper about "forever." All that is inherently ephemeral, unreliable—lean on that pillar for confidence and you'll find yourself falling over. Over and over and over.

Personally, I pursue a number of hobbies with a similar attitude, from surfing to motorcycling to (most recently) making pottery. These things scare me, intimidate me, or once did, but they also intrigue me—so I let intrigue win. In all of those there's a point when you feel totally ridiculous, totally humbled—but then, with small triumphs, you feel emboldened, excited to be inside your own skin. You rode that wave, you made that vase. The swagger kicks in—because it was always there, just in need of some excavating.

So maybe just throw yourself into something that feels a little strange. Yeah, the gym is good, but the work/gym/sleep routine, as you're discovering, can be a bit surface. Dig a little deeper into yourself and you won't care so much about how other's see the surface.

Therapy can help, too, but it's a trickier path. Often there's a long period of being gutted and torn down, before you build yourself back up. You get intimate with your broken pieces, which can feel like being broken. But, again, if you can ride that out there's some swagger on the other side—authentic swagger, because you've stripped away the nonsense.

And, yeah, sometimes there will be times in our life that tear us up. Breakups, being cheated on, the opening of voids—sorry for all that, have been there myself. Lots. Those are blows you just have to kind of take, with faith that they'll pass, just like any pain.

First, I definitely dont want to thread jack this post. Maybe OP can get something out of this.

I understand how to put in hard work and be successful at things. Ive done it professionally, keeping myself healthy, and with hobbies. Mental health is a completely different animal, though. It's not as if there are classes you can take to just learn how to properly attach or unattach. There are books and therapists but they are very subjective. The books offer very good descriptions of attachment disorders but they lack a concrete plan of action. Being fully aware of an issue just isn't enough to DO anything about it. Im leaning towards the idea that its actually WORSE to know about an issue but not know how to resolve it. Therapists are even less effective (in my experience). Ive been to at least 7 over my life. Only one has ever offered very concrete advice and challenged me. Unfortunately he retired too soon. Heck my dad was a therapist and a very good one. Im completely open to the idea of therapy. It just seems they are content to let me yammer on about my issues and schedule another appointment.

Maybe it really is about figuring it out on your own. Maybe you have to test drive therapists. Maybe the answers are in forums like these. Ive gotten more wisdom from the commenters here than I ever did from a book or therapist. Maybe group therapy is where its at. Maybe for OP, simply accepting that he needs validation from women is a form of healing. If he can learn to just be OK with the fact that he's flawed (just like all of us), maybe he can live a rewarding life, scars and all.

Yes it is coming off negative but it’s your truth so it is what it is.

 

If a person is expecting an easy fix to heartbreak or low self esteem, to be quite frank, they’re fooling themselves. It may seem dismissive to be told you have to do the work but really that’s the answer.

 

I’ll give an example of one of my dear friends. I love her to death but while many of us were going to college and stressing and studying and working hard, she was bouncing from minimum wage job to minimum wage job and have multiple kids by different fathers, her prerogative, her life her choices, well years later she has 4 kids she can barely afford and is still hopping from job to job and is frustrated she can’t find anything steady that pays well enough to live comfortably with her 4 kids. While I can conisserate with her, I also remember very vividly her life choices. She’s expecting to be handed the same lifestyle her friends have when she didn’t put in the work. Life isn’t like that.

 

It’s the same with mental and emotional health. For the most part many take it for granted and do things to damage it. Usually damaged emotional health occurred because of things beyond your control whether it was a rough childhood or never learning proper attachment skills, even with that being said, it’s still, at the end of the day, our responsibility to look out for our emotional and mental health.

 

If I have abandonment issues and I choose to jump into relationships where those issues are triggered and exasperated my only option is going to be to do the hard work to heal myself, I don’t have any other options. And the hard reality is I’m pretty limited. My options are fix myself or to not enter relationships, but until I am whole every relationship will be a blow from a sledgehammer, because until I heal myself I am going to be incapable of handling relationships.

 

To expect total strangers to do what quite frankly you aren’t even willing to do is well... silly... there is no uniformity because there is no one solution. For one person healing their low self esteem may be going to their father and finally feeling acceptance, for another it may be finally accepting that their high school sweetheart cheated on them and it wasn’t their fault, for another it’s losing weight and buying a new wardrobe.

 

Do you see what I’m saying? There is no one fix. I think that’s why therapy is often advised because a professional can pinpoint the cause of your issues and walk you through healing from it

 

OPer by you going out and attempting to talk to women even though you’re petrified all you’re doing is exasperating the problem. You’re putting more and more bricks onto the huge bag of baggage your carrying on your back.

 

Why do that to yourself? It makes no sense to me. Why not work on yourself and then go out, the women aren’t going anywhere they will still be there when you’re in a better headspace.

Increasing Self-Esteem:

Strive to become more "other-focused" and less "self-focused."

Helping others, volunteering is a great start. The more you give to others, the more you get back yourself.

In short, it feels good to give (and the thanks you receive in return does wonders for your self-worth.)

It gets you out of yourself and gives you a worthwhile purpose.

I see it even on this board, I find that those struggling the hardest with getting over a breakup, never post unless it's about them and their own hurt, their own pain, their own struggles, their own low self-esteem, their own whatever.

I even received a PM from a poster who after years is still struggling trying to get over a break-up, acknowledging this! He actually asked how to become more other-focused (paraphrasing).

It's a very self-centered approach and by remaining overly focused on your self, you will remain stuck in your own hurt, your own pain, your own sorrows, your own self, versus introspecting, reading, learning, growing, evolving and becoming the best person you can be.

For yourself and for others.

Increasing Self-Esteem:

 

Strive to become more "other-focused" and less "self-focused."

 

Helping others, volunteering is a great start. The more you give to others, the more you get back yourself.

 

In short, it feels good to give (and the thanks you receive in return does wonders for your self-worth.)

 

It gets you out of yourself and gives you a worthwhile purpose.

 

I see it even on this board, I find that those struggling the hardest with getting over a breakup, never post unless it's about them and their own hurt, their own pain, their own struggles, their own low self-esteem, their own whatever.

 

I even received a PM from a poster who after years is still struggling trying to get over a break-up, acknowledging this! He actually asked how to become more other-focused (paraphrasing).

 

It's a very self-centered approach and by remaining overly focused on your self, you will remain stuck in your own hurt, your own pain, your own sorrows, your own self, versus introspecting, reading, learning, growing, evolving and becoming the best person you can be.

 

For yourself and for others.

This is brilliant advice. However, if you have "other focused" to the point that you need to work on being "self focused", there is nothing wrong with that. It varies based on an individual's situation