Worried that my insecurities will affect my marriage

I've been married for 17 years, and I'm still madly in love with my wife. We have two amazing kids, and are moving into a new phase into our relationship; we've purchased a new house and even though we're in our early 40's (I'm 41, she's 40), it seems like we're going into a "planning the future" mode with out family...if that makes any sense. And it's something I look forward to and am genuinely excited about.

Even thought I deeply love and trust my wife, I still fight my insecurities. I literally look at her and think she's either way too good for me, or I'm not good enough for her. I think she's perfect in every way; she's strong, intelligent, beautiful, emotionally centered, and a great mom. She really is the love of my life, and I can't think of what would happen if she weren't in my life anymore. I literally think I would shut down if that ever happened. The void in my life would be so great that I can't comprehend how to handle it. The absolute worst part is that I know that's not healthy.

I'll give you an example; she just got back from being out of town for three nights on a work trip. She works for a hospitality company, and was able to go to a resort in Mexico with some coworkers that her company acquired. They would take some time and work in different areas of the resort, then have a few hours of free time. She would spend her free time by the pool or at the beach, and I know they group she was with went kayaking and took in some local entertainment. She had a great time, and I was happy that she was able to experience this adventure. When she had the opportunity, she would send me pictures of the things she was doing. It looked like she was having a blast, and I admit I was a little jealous that I wasn't there to experience that with her. She also made it a point to facetime me before she went to bed.

As appreciative as I was for her trying to include me, those facetime sessions were hard for me. On the third night, she was in a sun dress that she bought before she left. She looked amazing, and her group just got back from a local show and she was getting ready to go to bed. I told her how beautiful she looked, then the thoughts ran through my head; she's too beautiful for me, I don't deserve her, I'm not attractive enough for her, etc, etc. From then on, I was mopey. I was fine the first couple of days and was too busy between work, running kids to different activities, and working out to be down. Of course I missed her, but I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off to be sad. The moment there was a little bit of downtime and I let my thoughts take over, it sucked. She got back on Thursday night, and she immediately noticed something was up with me. I didn't tell her anything, told her I was just tired, was happy she was back, and that I missed her.

She's asked me a few times if anything's wrong since, and I'm not saying a word about it. My mind won't shut down with the negative thoughts. Every time I look at her, I believe that she's too good for me and I don't deserve her. I'm really trying to swallow these feelings and trying to move on, but I can't get these negative thoughts to stop. What worries me is that if I can't stop them, it will strain our relationship. I don't want that. I want her to be happy, and the weird thing is that I only seem happy when I know she's happy. If I think the slightest thing isn't right, my mind races again.

So, how do I kick this? I'm in a marriage with the love of my life. She's someone I trust with all my heart, and she makes me happy. Why do I keep doubting myself? Why do I keep thinking I don't deserve her, and she deserves someone far better than me?

Have you considered therapy?

Do you have a life outside your family: friends and interests?

She sounds like an intelligent, loving woman, and so it says something wonderful about you that she's happy she chose you because you're faithful and you likely make her feel special. If you can't boost your own self esteem by reading books and articles on how to do that, then maybe you should seek therapy.

Besides your family life, do you hang out with guy friends? Do you have a hobby you're passionate about? If not, I suggest you pursue those areas for a well-rounded life. I know your wife and kids are of the most importance in your life, but you should expand your support system beyond them for your own good. Take care.

I would imagine this is a major factor in how you're feeling:

Trying to figure out if my marriage is over

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=544320

Was this ever resolved? Are you two still struggling with the sexual issues?

I think you're depressed and I think you need to seek help or at least talk to someone. Obviously this has been going on for some time. As the other posters have suggested, you need to get out, hang out with friends, do things that you like to do to get your mind off these things.

I believe so; we've each made some compromises that have helped in that aspect. We've each made some compromises along the way in the past year that have helped resolve those issues. For example, she's become more affectionate in general outside the bedroom, and she's been more apt to focus on my needs inside the bedroom. My focus has been on general romance and nonsexual touch, and learning that intimacy isn't all about sex. I still have a higher drive than she does, but it seems like the things we've focused on and communicated about have brought a bit more balance.

Have you considered therapy?

 

Do you have a life outside your family: friends and interests?

The place I work at has an onsite assistance program for employees where we can talk with counselors. I've utilized that service a couple of times, and I have considered therapy. I'm beginning to think that's the only option for me moving forward.

Outside of family, admittedly not much. There's a group of guys that I play basketball with on Thursday nights, but I'm maybe actual friends with only one or two of them. Outside of that, there's one guy that has been one of my best friends since high school that I hang out with from time to time. He and I are going out of town Thanksgiving weekend to meet up with another friend of ours and taking in an NFL game.

She sounds like an intelligent, loving woman, and so it says something wonderful about you that she's happy she chose you because you're faithful and you likely make her feel special. If you can't boost your own self esteem by reading books and articles on how to do that, then maybe you should seek therapy.

 

Besides your family life, do you hang out with guy friends? Do you have a hobby you're passionate about? If not, I suggest you pursue those areas for a well-rounded life. I know your wife and kids are of the most importance in your life, but you should expand your support system beyond them for your own good. Take care.

I don't really have much of a support system outside of her. I have one guy who's been a good friend since high school that I hang out with from time to time, but it's not a regular occurrence, as he has kids and family stuff as well. I have a brother that I get a long with, but it's the same thing with him...we don't really hang out all that much.

Hobbies and interests...that's a worse story. Other than work and family time, I don't have much going on. My wife and I go to the gym together three or four times a week, but I don't really do anything else. The more I think about it, the more I believe I need to find something else to focus my energy on.

The place I work at has an onsite assistance program for employees where we can talk with counselors. I've utilized that service a couple of times, and I have considered therapy. I'm beginning to think that's the only option for me moving forward.

People have no trouble hiring a plumber or a tax expert for practical matters, but what could be more practical than the quality of your life and marriage?

Look at the EAP list of therapists and find one who is also covered by your insurance. Then you can decide after your free sessions whether to continue working with the same therapist, or whether you'll want to seek another one. It's a 'try before you buy' opportunity.

Do you express how you feel to her? Does she express it back to you?

People have different ways that they like to give and receive love, and most times, spouses dont share the same "way". Have you read the 5 love languages?

I suggest that you both read it and find ways to give and receive love. You didnt go into much detail, but it sounds like you may not be getting love the way you need it.

Good luck

Do you express how you feel to her? Does she express it back to you?

People have different ways that they like to give and receive love, and most times, spouses dont share the same "way". Have you read the 5 love languages?

I suggest that you both read it and find ways to give and receive love. You didnt go into much detail, but it sounds like you may not be getting love the way you need it.

Good luck

We tell each other we love each other, and we're affectionate with each other. That's not really the issue, though.

My issue is that I don't believe I'm good enough for her. When I see us together, I keep thinking things like she's way too attractive for me, she's too kind and caring for me, I don't deserve her, etc, etc. I also find my brain working overtime and analyzing every conversation and interaction, making sure she's happy. It's almost like I'm trying to overcompensate for my insecurities by going out of my way to make sure she's happy and content. If that makes sense.

Since I originally posted this, I've been trying some different things; I'm running a lot more outside of my normal workout routine, started reading a new book, started a new series on Netflix to watch, and just generally trying to busy my mind, since it seems to want to go into overdrive. From a logical standpoint, she loves and is devoted to me; we're buying a new house, and we're planning an anniversary trip without the kids this summer. But I can't kick these thoughts that I'm not good enough for her. And I don't know why.

You are good enough for her because she married you - she picked you. If you were not good enough, she would have never gone on a date and certainly would not have married you. The question is - are you good enough for YOU. I think that making more male friends of your own would help because you would be out having some experiences on your own as well. She sounds like a kind woman who loves you.