Why isn't he speaking to me?

Im sorry if this is long but I am so confused. I was with a guy on and off for 5 years and since end of sept we were speaking again and seeing each other. This time felt good and different and I thought we were headed somewhere stable. I was doing small things for him like giving him money for food, treating him out for lunch buying a vest, and giving him a notebook as a gift to help with his goals. He was low on funds and I was happy to help. I did small things to show I loved and supported him. I didn't do it to get something back but I wanted to feel appreciated. I was getting a little frustrated because I wasn't feeling valued the way I wanted and got upset. The last conversation we had was last week and I joked and asked him so when is our date? He replied oh well. What do you want to do? I said it's ok you don't want to like ever. The reason I said that was because he never takes the initiative to plan dates and do stuff together and put in effort that way. After that he just stopped texting. I got a little mad and send no one disappoints me more than you. And the next day I got even more mad and told him to etransfer me some of my money back. Still no answer. Then I gave it a day and realized he was more attentive that I thought but he did it in his own way. Ex. I made it known I was upset and he went out of his way to text me while he was out with friends. I took that gesture for granted. Then 2 days later I apologized. Still no answer. Then I sent 1 text and still no answer. Today I got so mad and started texting him and asking him what's going on please talk to me and what did I do? I messaged him and dmed him on Instagram. I'm not gonna lie I sent like 100 messages. He ended up blocking me on ig and whatsapp and maybe the real number. But I don't understand what I had said that was so wrong he disappeared. He's ignored me many times but he's always given me an answer if he's done or not. I'm still so confused about the whole situation. Is what I said that bad that I deserve it?

Hmmm. You definitely didnt deserve complete silence. After 5 years, you'd have to do a whole lot more than texting to deserve being ghosted.

What was your relationship for 5 years? bf/gf? FWB? You chasing him? How would you define it?

I ask because his reason for silence may be the question you asked, if hes avoided a relationship this whole time this may be his way of getting you to drop the subject.

100 messages? I'd block you too. That's like 98 too many.

If nothing else, take away from this that if you can't give freely - that means with no expectation of anything back, and that includes appreciation - then don't give at all.

I know you say that you didn't do it to get something back, but that's not entirely true, sadly... you did it because you wanted him to appreciate you, and value you the way you wanted to be valued. That's not something that money and gifts can buy. What you would see as 'small things for him like giving him money for food' were in fact an unacknowledged bribe in order to get him to behave the way you wanted him to behave, and would have been experienced by him as controlling and manipulative. If he's so short of money, then why on earth did you expect him to take you out on a date?

Then, having given him these things, you got so upset and angry with him because he wasn't behaving in the way you felt you'd paid him to behave, that your behaviour amounted to harassment. 100 messages? And you really can't understand why he felt freaked out by it? Really?

You tried to buy his love.

Yeah, yeah, I get it...you did those things because you LOVE him and you wanted to HELP him! But deep down inside you were hoping he'd see how loving and generous you are and that would make him love you.

But, unfortunately, people don't tend to love people who behave like doormats. They don't love people they don't respect. He saw clearly that you have low self esteem and therefore were trying to make yourself attractive by giving him money. That kind of behavior doesn't generate respect. No respect...no love.

Let him go. The right guy won't require money in order for him to love you. He'll love you for you. Treat this as a lesson learned.

And please...don't ever send anyone 100 messages. That kind of behavior sends people running in the opposite direction.

Hi @boltnrun thank you for your reply. I guess I didn't realize that deep down I actually had alterior motives for doing those things. Do you think that's why he disappeared and maybe realized that it was manipulating?

Maybe he disappeared because he's tired of the drama that's been going on for at least a year and a half (according to your previous posts).

Let him go, unless you want to go though this exact same thing for another 5 years.

First you gave him a passive aggressive remark after he asked what you wanted to do on a date. Then you told him no one disappointed you like him. Then you demanded money. At this point, the vast majority of men would be done, especially if this guy is a scrub. The extra 100 messages were icing on the cake and I can guarantee you he feels like it's too much drama and like he dodged a bullet. But his general lack of effort should have spoken volumes to begin with that this guy was never more than luke-warm, and that he may have just kept you around for the convenience factor, especially if you were paying for things he wanted.

For future reference, I think if a guy is truly into you, he will prioritize you and he will try to avoid putting you in the awkward position of going overboard paying for basic things on his behalf. You deserved better in that regard, for sure.

I don't know if you have read John Gray (author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus), but basically he says that men don't tend to give to the point where they resent it. A woman tends to give what she wants to receive, so it's not uncommon for her to give and give until she reaches extreme resentment. The more a woman gives, the more men assume things are fine and may do even less. Eventually, some women can reach a place where they end up blowing up at the man, which seems like it is coming out of left field for the guy. Obviously this is not something that pertains to every man or situation, it's just a general trend he noticed in his practice regarding the differences between men and women. Take care not to try to buy someone's love or affection in this way--keep your personal boundaries healthy so that you don't feel miffed when someone doesn't give you something in return.

100 messages? Girl. Girl.

Look, he clearly wasn't back to stay. Buying someone things isn't going to keep them around for the right reasons. It was time to let go. Take his continued silence as a very strong message that he doesn't want to be with you.

It's over and it's best that you accept that, so that you can heal and move on too. He already has.

Unfortunately on/off relationships are unstable by nature. He doesn't want to date you. He just uses you for money, stuff, sex, whatever. Stop "getting mad" that he doesn't want to date you and delete and block him. It's not confusing, he simply isn't interested. Next time do not try to buy someone's affection.

I was with a guy on and off for 5 years. The last conversation we had was last week and I joked and asked him so when is our date? he never takes the initiative to plan dates and do stuff together. I got even more mad and told him to etransfer me some of my money back. I got so mad and started texting him I sent like 100 messages. He ended up blocking me on ig and whatsapp and maybe the real number.

100 messages? I'd block you too. That's like 98 too many.

Agree... ^^

Op: You are manic in your NEED to be needed by him. Have you been that insistent the entire time with him in trying to change him into the man you want him to be?

He's done with you I imagine until he needs more money... then he'll catch you up.

You always knew it was an "on and off again" relationship. So to expect anything more is why you are so upset right now.

I get it. Some girls feel they can "change" a man. But in all honesty you can't. It's been a while five years and still no stability.

It may not seem it now but this is a blessing. It will give you a chance to move on and heal and find the stability you clearly crave.

Please please please stop texting him abs stop reaching out. He is no worth you time.

Keep your pride at least. Don't have him remember you as the "crazy" girl.

I know you are upset. Rant away on here. Or text your friends. Just please do not text him.

Hi jellybean9 thank you for your kind words. I haven't reached out to him but a part of me is still hoping he will when everything settles. But for now I am trying my best to move on but it is very hard.

I guess I didn't realize that deep down I actually had alterior motives for doing those things. Do you think that's why he disappeared and maybe realized that it was manipulating?

Yep. In the 5 years of on-and-offs, how many of those have been on his terms?

You can never get any wasted time back to live over again. I'd keep this 'off' and explore ways to put this guy in your rear view mirror and move FORward.

100 messages? I'd block you too. That's like 98 too many.

This^!

laylafox, I am really sorry this happened but please learn from this.

No matter how anxious you feel, this is beyond obsessive and it's obvious this is why he blocked you, etc.

Heck, I'd actually be frightened if a man did that!!

Course I would never allow it to escalate to 100 messages; I had a man once send me 20, I didn't even read just auto sent them directly to trash.

I would have blocked but at the time, I did not have the block function on my phone.

I agree with everyone about the 100 messages but Layla after 5 years was this your tango? Was this reaction something you’ve done before?

I feel like there’s a lot going on here that we aren’t seeing.

Well I should've been more clear it definitely wasn't 100 I just exaggerated that it was enough that he blocked me and on ig and whatsapp. Yes I've reacted the same way many times because he kept ignoring me when I was upset about something. I would apologize and say I'll stop but my emotions got the best of me. But he's always given me an answer if he was done. This time was different. Within the 5 years a lot has happened. He has depression which makes things a little harder. I've always wanted something more stable and consistent. I felt like I tried but he didn't. I guess it just drove me insane. I think I just didn't get from him the same love I had for him. I regret the way I've handled situations and wish I didn't react the way I did.

Well I should've been more clear it definitely wasn't 100 I just exaggerated that it was enough that he blocked me and on ig and whatsapp. Yes I've reacted the same way many times because he kept ignoring me when I was upset about something. I would apologize and say I'll stop but my emotions got the best of me. But he's always given me an answer if he was done. This time was different. Within the 5 years a lot has happened. He has depression which makes things a little harder. I've always wanted something more stable and consistent. I felt like I tried but he didn't. I guess it just drove me insane. I think I just didn't get from him the same love I had for him. I regret the way I've handled situations and wish I didn't react the way I did.

You cant take back what happened.

Getting over on again off again relationships where you're constantly feeling like you have to fight for their love is like getting over a drug addiction.

I remember doing some INSANE things in my marriage with my ex husband, by the end of our marriage he learned how to essentially 'punish' me through silence. I cant say I sent 100 messages, but Ive done things I can only describe as pathetic. You feel you're willing to do literally anything to get them to acknowledge you, a n y t h i n g, its such a mind f*ck...

With that being said, its time to do the hard work of detoxing from this and holding yourself accountable. Seek help, figure out what makes you insist on proving yourself to someone unworthy of your love to begin with.

Layla, youre buying this mans love and hes treating you like garbage in return.

Its time to stop.

Well I should've been more clear it definitely wasn't 100 I just exaggerated that it was enough that he blocked me and on ig and whatsapp. Yes I've reacted the same way many times because he kept ignoring me when I was upset about something. I would apologize and say I'll stop but my emotions got the best of me. But he's always given me an answer if he was done. This time was different. Within the 5 years a lot has happened. He has depression which makes things a little harder. I've always wanted something more stable and consistent. I felt like I tried but he didn't. I guess it just drove me insane. I think I just didn't get from him the same love I had for him. I regret the way I've handled situations and wish I didn't react the way I did.

My goodness, layla. Why did you torture Yourself by staying with someone that triggered that kind of emotional outburst in you? When someone isn't treating you like you are a prize, then you dump their ungrateful arse and you cleanse yourself from the addiction of having them in your life through zero contact. That is what people with a good sense of self love, self respect and self esteem do. They don't stay and try and change someone into who they want them to be.

I really think you would do well to stop dating for a while until you garner the strength and confidence to know when enough is enough and you give a guy who isn't showing you your value the boot.

Be glad he's gone, learn from this and work on you now so that you believe you deserve better than what you had with him.