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Thread: Should I try to save this friendship?

  1. #1
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    Should I try to save this friendship?

    To start off, me and the friend in question are both 22yo females from Australia.

    My highschool best friend and I have been best friends since we met in our first year of highschool, almost 9 years now. In school we were absolutely inseparable all the way throughout. Everyone associated us with each other, we were like a platonic couple. We were at each other's houses all the time, spent all our time together, I was never happier than when we were together. We clicked like I had never clicked with anyone before then.We were both nerds and straight A students, never stepped out of line with our parents or did anything rebellious.At the end of highschool, my friend got an offer from a company called NSR for them to find her a soccer scholarship at a college in the USA (we are Australian) and she took it. She was gone by 6 months after highschool. I was absolutely destroyed by her leaving and it had a huge impact on me. I literally couldn't hear her name without crying for 2 years afterwards.

    We kept in good contact throughout via Skype, and I could see her gradually changing. She went from a nerdy tomboy to a girly girl, obsessed with going out, boys, hooking up, drinking, drugs, tattoos. She became a totally different person. Often I could feel her not caring about our friendship as much as before but nonetheless we stayed good friends.She came to visit me in December 2016 and I took her to and from the airport and had her over at my house, driving her around, organising things for us to do together, etc. for a whole month. I even cancelled going on a trip with my family to a place I had been waiting to go to for a long time so I could be with her the entire month.


    Since then she got expelled/suspended from college due to drinking and misbehaving a few times, got an associates degree, and eventually moved to Amsterdam (her sis lives there) planning to take a few months off study and then go back to the US to complete the degree. But she met a guy on tinder there and they have been together for probably close to 10 months now. She loves him a lot and is going to stay in Europe. Since living there she has also become a smoker.

    I decided to visit her in July and I told her this in advance, I specifically booked a trip that would give me a discount just to see her. She booked a trip to Spain to meet her boyfriend's family even knowing there was a good chance I would come, leaving her to barely be able to take any time off work to see me, so in the end it turned out she would only be able to spend 3 days with me.

    I came to see her regardless, booked my time to be 5 days in Amsterdam (the rest in other places), but before flying out I told her to not tell anyone there she lives with etc. that I am Jewish. I am a cultural/ethnic Jew (originally Israeli but have lived in Aus the majority of my life) and the anti-semitism rates in Europe are through the roof at the moment so I was quite concerned.

    Upon my arrival in Amsterdam, I found my way to her and she introduced me to her boyfriend. He was an arab guy from Morocco and she warned me before meeting him that he makes a lot of racist jokes about every race so not to be offended. I told her that's fine, I had just been in a bit of a Jewish bubble on a trip before this and I think I sort of forgot how bad racism can get. I tried my best to be very nice meeting him and we started off well, but he very quickly got into jokes about me being Jewish and about terrorism and things like that. He asked if it bothered me and I said I'd rather he leave the terrorism stuff out of it because I have lived through terrorism and it's not a joke. He immediately flared up and got angry and said I was calling arabs terrorists (even though I was just stating I had been through terrorism which is an objective fact) and tried to start a debate with me about the Israel-palestine conflict. I didn't want to have a political debate with my best friend's boyfriend and refused, and it took my friend about 10 minutes to convince him to stop. Next, we went to a casino (I hate casinos, this was only because her boyfriend wanted to go), and no sooner did we walk in he started screaming that there was a Jew here and to hide the money (keeping in mind I told my friend in advance that I was terrified of people knowing I am Jewish!), and when we went to the gate for ID checking he said I was Israeli so they should check me for bombs. My friend said nothing to him about this. He threw $300 down the drain in the casino in about 5 minutes and we proceeded to his house, all the way there he was talking about how they had managed to waste $600 on gambling and alcohol just that day (all the while my friend had told me she can't spend much money doing things with me...). When we got to his house, I was delighted that his roommate was Israeli and speaks Hebrew. I was in Israel before arriving in Amsterdam and feeling incredibly homesick, especially with the guy's racism. We struck up a conversation in Hebrew until her boyfriend came along and got angry, saying Hebrew was not allowed in his house. I got upset at this and told him he was being racist, and he then got angry that I "called him a racist". My friend did not stand up for me. The verdict was no Hebrew was allowed. She did go talk to him in private later though when he left and as she tells me tried to stop his behaviour. We later talked in private and she apologised. I was incredibly upset by this point. The rest of the night, while I was very jetlagged, involved their friends being over smoking weed and drinking with closed windows. I eventually asked to go to sleep when it hit the AM's, so she put me in the room of the man (Israeli) I had met only hours earlier because she wanted to have sex with her boyfriend. Her sister apparently told her that was irresponsible of her to put me in a guy's room that I didn't know just cause she couldn't give up sex one night but her boyfriend shut her down.

    I felt very unsafe about the whole situation and the next day I moved to a youth hostel. We then were supposed to have 3 days together. On the first day, which we only had half of because she stayed up with her friends smoking weed until like 6am, her boyfriend was with us essentially the whole time even though I told her he makes me uncomfortable which is why I moved to stay somewhere else. On the second day she spent the day with me but had to go home early to be with him. After that I moved to stay in the city centre (she lives in the Hague) and she got very sick with bronchitis and didn't come visit me there. So we never got to say goodbye and I only got to spend one day with her in the absence of her boyfriend.

    She never formally apologised about the situation after I left (but she did apologise briefly for his behaviour with the Hebrew-ban on the first night when we talked in private). Nor did she get her boyfriend to apologise, but she didn't mention off-hand he would be too proud to, but didn't even consider maybe trying to talk him into an apology.

    I was incredibly hurt by the whole situation. When she was over, I freed all my time to be with her, and when I was over, she stayed up instead of going to bed so we could be together the next day, didn't do the things I did like get me for the airport or do things she knew I liked doing (instead drugs, drinking and gambling, all the things I despise), didn't stand up for me when her boyfriend was being horrendous towards me, and didn't even mentioned to me that he had this opinion on Jews/Israelis, which she said she **knew would be a problem**, when I expressed worry about anti-semitism in Europe.

    After I left we barely talked, but she is bad with messaging as it is so that's not that unusual. But she has messaged me a few times recently and asked to Skype. I have been brief with my responses.

    I really don't know what to do. Am I blowing the situation up to be more serious than it is by feeling too betrayed to just continue things as they were?She really used to be the centre of my universe, and if I had known a few years ago that I would consider cutting off our friendship I would have absolutely lost it. But I don't know how to move past this. Do I tell her now, delayed, I am struggling to get over it and try to come to a resolution? Or just cut her out of my life? Or just maintain a cold friendship? She wants to visit Australia soon too and I am not sure I want to spend much time with her and her boyfriend, nor have him get near any of my Jew-Family of 6.

    Thank you in advance.

    TL;DR: Friend was a terrible host to me overseas and her boyfriend completely racist towards me with minimal support from her. Do I cut her out or try to resolve things?
    Last edited by pachzevel; 11-09-2018 at 08:58 AM.

  2. #2
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    Of course both her and her boyfriend are jerks and you should cut contact completely.

    I was wondering though, is there anti-semitism in Europe? I've never noticed it. Maybe low life parasites like your friend's bf have these opinions. Stop meddling with low life people.

  3. #3
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    Thank you. There certainly is, in the Netherlands alone anti semetic incidents are double what we experience on the entire continent of Australia per year.

  4. #4
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    You need to lose this friendship, she is not a friend:

    Scheduling another trip while you are there. Terrible.
    It is NEVER acceptable for anyone to be making racist jokes, and the fact that she is dating someone who does so, says a great deal about her character. I cannot believe you were OK with this. You need to show more self worth.
    Telling you not to reveal that you are a Jew. Unbelievable.
    Not allowing Hebrew. Ridiculous.

    I am glad you moved to the hostel.

    Her and her bf are complete azzholes and losers! Cut her off forever. She does not give a damn about the relationship. Block and delete.

    Do you have other friends? You seem to have invested a lot in her. You said you cried for two years everyrtime someone brought up her name.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 11-09-2018 at 10:20 AM.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    You need to lose this friendship, she is not a friend:

    Scheduling another trip while you are there. Terrible.
    It is NEVER acceptable for anyone to be making racist jokes, and the fact that she is dating someone who does so, says a great deal about her character. I cannot believe you were OK with this. You need to show more self worth.
    Telling you not to reveal that you are a Jew. Unbelievable.
    Not allowing Hebrew. Ridiculous.

    I am glad you moved to the hostel.

    Her and her bf are complete azzholes and losers! Cut her off forever. She does not give a damn about the relationship. Block and delete.
    ^^^ All of this.

    She sounds like one of those people who parasites on to one person at a time. She removed her grip from you, and she has now gripped onto him. When that relationship ends (and it will, because, please), it'll be someone else. You'll see her all loved up on SM with someone new, or she'll have found a new female friend. She'll move to whatever country that person is in.

    I hate to say this, but she never truly loved you as a friend. She was using you as a host for her parasitic needs.

    You did the most responsible thing in the world by moving to that hostel. I couldn't have given you better advice, in that situation.

    As much as it hurts, you'll have to treat the ending of this friendship as a breakup from the most toxic person you can imagine. This includes blocking her, deleting, removing access from SM, etc.

    And no, when she visits Australia, you are not to be her go-to person, her tour guide, her buddy to hang with. You are to go on with your own life, and build friendships that are both meaningful and pleasurable. This one is not.

    Oh, and this isn't about racism, anti-semitism, or any of the other things we can say about Mr. Wonderful. He's just her flavor of the month. Her next guy will be toxic in a different way. He's simply a grade-a mo-fo, and she enables his horrific behavior. She'll find a new mo-fo to replace him, and he'll be equally horrible, but in a different way.

  7. #6
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    Well, unfortunately people drift apart, and in this instance your friend has literally moved several continents away from you. Apparently, she is very impressionable and she falls under the influence of various people. When she was with you, she was studious and kind, but going away to college, she fell in with the hard partying, bad behavior crowd. Now she's in Amsterdam and she is under the influence of a rude, racist boyfriend. It's really too bad.

    You don't need to break up your friendship with her, but you can just make keeping up with her less important in your life. Expand your circle of friends, and hang out with other people. Hopefully, your friend will leave her boyfriend and fall under the influence of a nicer guy. Until then, you can keep in touch, but not go out of your way, as you did in this recent trip.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    You need to lose this friendship, she is not a friend:

    Scheduling another trip while you are there. Terrible.
    It is NEVER acceptable for anyone to be making racist jokes, and the fact that she is dating someone who does so, says a great deal about her character. I cannot believe you were OK with this. You need to show more self worth.
    Telling you not to reveal that you are a Jew. Unbelievable.
    Not allowing Hebrew. Ridiculous.

    I am glad you moved to the hostel.

    Her and her bf are complete azzholes and losers! Cut her off forever. She does not give a damn about the relationship. Block and delete.

    Do you have other friends? You seem to have invested a lot in her. You said you cried for two years everyrtime someone brought up her name.
    Time to move on from this former friend. She is NOT your friend anymore.

    Friends do not inflict racist, drug-addled people on their friends. Nor do they schedule a trip away when you are to visit from far away.

    The girl you knew in your youth is gone.

    It is a shame, but that is the truth. She wants you to hide that you are Jewish, has an openly hostile Arab boyfriend.

    That is not a good situation for you to be in.

  9. #8
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    The friendship is over. :( Don't invest anymore energy into this because it's purely one sided. What she did was inexcusable, she's changed and you holding on to what used to be won't change who she is now.

  10. #9
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    Sadly it sounds like you have steadily grown apart since high school. It happens. Is her family in Australia? Do not spend time with her if you don't want to. Just fade out with and be 'very busy'. Do not confront or wage any sort of political war. You grew apart and you won't change her and she can't change you. Focus on making new friends you can visit and travel with. Focus on expanding your interests and local friends you have.
    Originally Posted by pachzevel
    both 22yo females from Australia. I came to see her regardless, booked my time to be 5 days in Amsterdam (the rest in other places), but before flying out I told her to not tell anyone there she lives with etc. that I am Jewish.

  11. #10
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    LHGirl brought up some major memories of my high school "best bud" or BFF. We were thick as thieves for awhile. She was a year behind me in high school, so when I moved on to college and had my own place (moved out the day after graduation), I was "cool" and we continued our friendship fabulously. She too, took on the personalities of her new friends, the girls still in HS, and the new friends in college.

    Her household was rather strict, so when she moved out and lived in the dorm, not under the thumb of constant monitoring and policing from her parents, she went off the grid. This is normal behavior for many young people who find themselves with all this freedom, but I think most people learn self-boundaries and pull themselves back in after some play time and realize this path is not going anywhere. Some people don't grasp the self-limits and self-boundaries, skills that their parents tried to instill in them, and when they take on the personalities of their new friends, the fun, and the partying, they can't get back, or they have to fall hard, really hard, before they get back on the path. Some people always need some external level of "policing". I've witnessed this.

    So my friend did about what yours did. She fell into the bad boyfriends, the partying, drinking, smoking, and drugs. She found herself on academic probation and then unable to continue her education because she would be up playing games, watching movies, and parties, and would spend 30 minutes before class trying to absorb everything she needed to know to pass a test, all the while not accomplishing any homework, often missing class because she needed to sleep or was too hung over. Meanwhile, I was giving up movie nights and playing pool and keggers so that I could study and put together my lab reports and research the essay, etc.

    I watched her personality change to match the person she latched on to at the moment. For a long time, that was me...and then someone "better" came along.

    I just stopped trying to be her friend. It was hard to let go of, but at this point, our lifestyles didn't mesh, and she hurt me a great deal. I gave a lot to her, but when the tables were turned, she did not do the same.

    We got in touch a few years back. We exchanged a few emails, and somehow this girl got back on track, married, and has a child. I fell straight back into a high level of trust and friendship as if nothing changed, and then remembered how horrible she was to me, and pulled back, and kept things superficial. We're FB friends now, but the friendship is forever broken. I'm glad to see she's happy.

    I'm also going to agree with DanZee, in that you don't have to block and delete and take a nuclear response with her, unless this relationship is toxic enough it feels like it will break you. You can keep her at arm's length and not hold her in any level of importance, and do not go out of your way for anything with her. She may call you crying as her life crumbles and unravels around her, and you cannot be her rock and her therapist. You have to hold back, and not allow her to suck your energy. You cannot fall for this. She will stomp all over you after she sucks what she can from you and moves on to the next one.

    There's a reason you got along so famously back then. She became you, and took on your personality. When something newer and shinier popped into the picture, she took on that personality, and with a loose sense of boundaries, she continuously falls with the wrong crowd. She is easily influenced, and she is easily influenced into the parties and fun. Responsibility really sucks, and you have to go to bed on time and eat right, and show up at work and deal with people and bosses...total bummer...too bad we all don't have a fat trust fund to work on.

    I also agree with the other posters in that this relationship is worthy of a full block and delete. You need to preserve your own self, self-worth, and psyche. You pick what works for you. This so-called friend of yours really doesn't have a sense of self.

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