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Thread: Should I try to save this friendship?

  1. #11
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    and I took her to and from the airport and had her over at my house, driving her around, organising things for us to do together, etc. for a whole month. I even cancelled going on a trip with my family to a place I had been waiting to go to for a long time so I could be with her the entire month.

    you should practice better boundaries -- there was no reason to spend an entire month with your friend and completely clear your schedule to be available every moment, nor can you expect a friend to reciprocate and expect to hold everything because you might come. the fact that you were so devastated by her leaving - crying for 2 years - instead of cheering her on -- makes me think there is an unhealthy attachment there and that you relied too much on her friendship and didn't develop many others.

    That being said, I think she took a different path than you and you have grown apart. I would not wait for an apology == i would chalk it up to that and don't initiate contact with her again. If you do that, there is a good chance she won't contact you either. She could be very influenced by this dude and one day years later wake up and want to reach out and apologize but don't expect it soon. There was a friend i lost because of an ex- i lost myself a little and i wish now - 15 years later, i could apologize.

    BTW, I *DO* think its rude to exclude half the audience from a conversation by speaking in another language. It does not excuse his behavior. I am just saying. If you had exchanged numbers, etc, to meet up or chat later, then that's another story. If you came into their home and they were speaking a language you didn't understand -- unless it was to the 90 year old grandma who didn't speak your language- - that would have been rude, too, and not fair to you, either.

  2. #12
    Silver Member Jellybean9's Avatar
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    Unfortunately people change.

    My best friend in school changed. She got into hooking up and drinking then to drugs.

    It was hard to maintain a friendship as that was not my sort of lifestyle. I kept the door open for her if she ever wanted to be friends again.

    It just didn't work out. I haven't seen her in 10 years. I tried to reconnect 2 years ago but it didn't work out.

    People just change.

    Your friend as really changed. You should not have had to put up with the way she treated you.

    She was incredibly selfish and her boyfriend is a complete jerk.

    I know it is hard to cut friendships. They can hurt more than an actual break-up.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by pachzevel
    She really used to be the centre of my universe, and if I had known a few years ago that I would consider cutting off our friendship I would have absolutely lost it. But I don't know how to move past this.
    It's common for people go through periods in their lives where they turn into losers and jerks. We aren't limited to only two extreme choices of either pretending we don't notice OR burning all bridges. We can opt instead to put the friendship on hold and trust that if friend ever grows to reflect and recognize her mistreatment, she'll be capable of reaching out to say so someday.

    Meanwhile, don't hold your breath. The main message I'd take from this is that I can't relive my own past, but I owe it to myself today to broaden my circles of friends. As kids we could homogenize with one person to be our 'everything' instead of learning how to respect the limits of other people and form different kinds and degrees of friendships to meet different needs. Forming a dependency isn't healthy, but rather, adopting resilience as a life skill and cultivating many acquaintances that will vary in the degree and form of friendship they may become is a worthy goal.

    I'd be straight with friend. "I adore you, and our history together means the world to me. I can picture the two of us as elderly friends together in the future. That's why I need to back-burner our contact while we both still think highly of one another. You get to focus on this BF all you want, but I won't spend time him again. If you're ever in town and want to meet for lunch, just the two of us, you can let me know. Otherwise, this isn't a good time in our lives to spend together, and I wish for you nothing but the best."

    Boom. Done. Friend can figure out her own life, and if she's ever capable of earning her way back into yours, she can do that. Otherwise, she's not worth your focus at this time.

    Head high, and make more friends. You'll avoid wasting time you can never get back by ruminating and making yourself miserable for zero payoff, and you'll thank yourself later.

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