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Thread: Is he giving up?

  1. #1

    Is he giving up?

    I have been in a long distance purely online relationship since late April of this year. My partner/boyfriend is a separated soon to be 38 year old man and I am turning 27 in a few weeks. From April to the middle of August it seemed we couldn't get enough of each other and he actually moves out of state to distance himself from his ex wife to prove to me his commitment. We talked about our future, wedding and children and many things we would do together as a couple. We have been consistently communicating with a good morning text and a 1-2 hour video chat in the evening since the middle of May. Occasionally we call for a few minutes mid day. About six weeks ago he took the big step to tell his children and his ex wife about me, he has sent me small thoughtful gifts in the mail and listens to my feelings and concerns constructively. He also shows genuine concern for my feelings about us as a couple.

    Two and a half weeks ago his son was admitted to the hospital and diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. I was tolerant to his ex wife staying with him at his mother's house where he is living for the time being. She was there for a week. I was even tolerant to cutting down our contact while she was there. He was married to his ex wife for over a decade and left her due to unresolved conflicts regarding their personal values and ideas on how to raise children. He has told me that his daughter was heartbroken that he was deciding to choose me to have a future with. His ex wife even tracked me down on Facebook and tried to guilt trip me in to leaving him.

    My man does suffer from depression and is having a hard time getting back on his feet while going through divorce and now a terminally ill son. I honestly love him and will stay loyal to him. I am a very patient person. We both have very similar hobbies and interests, we finish each others sentences sometimes and can cry in front of each other. We have near identical sets of values and have a clear understanding what we each want out of life. Our child hoods were also significantly similar. I honestly feel like he is the best friend as well as lover I could ever have.

    He seems to be kind of shutting down due to politics, his son and family as well as being unable to find more regular employment. His depression is amplifying his stress too I think. I suffer from depression myself so I understand what he may be going though.

    My key concerns are:
    1. He doesn't talk about our future as often as he used to.
    2. He is less affectionate.
    3. He seems to not be trying to keep the momentum of bettering himself.

    I always listen to him without judgement but I also remember to respectfully stick up for my needs. I just feel the need for reassurance a lot more now that he still is planning on working toward a future for us. My anxiety fluctuates and I try to reassure myself that he still makes time for me and is willing to hear what I need from him.

    Can anyone give me their thoughts on my situation. I just feel like our relationship backtracked or is he just giving himself some emotional space?

  2. #2
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    He's not divorced. He was recently separated, found someone who filled the loving void he had missed for a long time in his marriage, and for awhile, this is what he needed, but he is nowhere near a position where he can leap into another long-term marriage and produce more babies. I see you as a rebound, a filler. It's not that he doesn't care for you, but his emotions and needs were misguided. He has a lot on his plate, and him having to cater to you is probably the last thing on his priority list. This is why we don't get involved with people who are so fresh out of a relationship, the ink is barely dry. This guy wasn't even divorced yet, let alone resolving the issues around dissolving property, splitting finances, arguing over who gets the dishes and the towels, and custody, child support, parenting time, and the conflict surrounding everything, the loss of family and friends...he's suffering a lot of loss right now, and you sure were a bright spot for awhile, but things are getting real; reality is setting in. On top of this, he has a child who was diagnosed with a debilitating disease. Do you really think marriage and babies with a fresh new wife are on the roster, like he gets a do-over, and the past is just erased?

    What about you? Are you up for taking on this role as stepmother? You will have care for these children, pay for them, taxi-mom them, homework, laundry, dinner, boys, drugs, parties, the dreaded teenage years, including the son, which will include the mom and coordinating with her on his son's care, his appointments, his high needs, etc. Or are you expecting your boyfriend to leave his old life behind and it's just rainbows and unicorns with a white picket fence and a new family and this other family are a sequestered cluster off to the side that you never have to deal with?

    This relationship is not going to go anywhere...at least not for a long time. This guy may not even get divorced at this point, and focus on his family and his son. I think you're kidding yourself if you think this relationship is going to go anywhere right now. Maybe years from now...maybe. Now is not the time.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Delete and block him. You have never met, he says he's married. This could be a catfish or scammer giving you a lot of soap opera drama, which unfortunately you seem to be filling a void with and crave. He is not your partner/bf.

    Get on some dating apps with a good profile and pics and start dating local, single, real-life men.
    Originally Posted by eidelweiss14
    I have been in a long distance purely online relationship

  4. #4
    Super Moderator annie24's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Delete and block him. You have never met, he says he's married. This could be a catfish or scammer giving you a lot of soap opera drama, which unfortunately you seem to be filling a void with and crave. He is not your partner/bf.

    Get on some dating apps with a good profile and pics and start dating local, single, real-life men.
    Yeah, I agree. I think you should date someone you can meet in real life and who is single and free to date. This is a married man with a complicated situation. Stay away from him and let him focus on his family. You are should find a guy who is single in your area and then date him in real life.

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  6. #5
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    I don't understand how you can plan marriage and babies with someone who's still married, who you've only been communicating with for 7 months...and who you have never met.

    Why are you not dating men in your area who you can meet and have a relationship with in person?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Your self worth is in serious need of improvement if this toxic situation is what you think you deserve for your one precious life. A mature guy who has his stuff together would end one relationship before beginning another, and focus on getting his children used to their new life with divorced parents instead of entering into a LDR that is an escape from reality.

    You probably subconsciously have barriers up to a real relationship since you've entered into one where you don't even get to the real business of meeting up in 3D to accomplish the tasks of serious dating.

    My advice is to work on your self-esteem, and then you will attract, and be attracted to, emotionally healthy men.

  8. #7
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    Agree with all the others. Has he ever asked for money or have you given him any?

  9. #8
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    You need to stay away from this man, OP.

    He's been feeding you a fantasy but it's not real life. I would unplug and concentrate on local men who can give you the real relationship you are seeking. This online person just can't.

  10. #9
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    You've never even met. This is a fantasy. This is not a real relationship. Do you always do these online relationships?

    He is married.

    What a waste of time. Find someone local.

  11. #10
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    Why are you putting up with all this drama? You havenít met him and already thereís a lot of baggage! Youíre wasting valuable time.

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