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Do other women relate to this?


Achingheart

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I've tried to Google this question and haven't been able to find anyone asking something similar. After 5 years of being properly single and a couple of years celibate, I have started dating someone new and actually cannot wait to jump in bed with him. I have not felt this sexual chemistry with a man in a long time, maybe ever.

 

My problem is, I've long been terrified around men in the bedroom. Especially the first few times. The fear didn't start until after my first couple of sexual encounters, which were very loving and with partners who might not have worked out, or were horrible outside of the bedroom, were at least respectful inside the bedroom. I want to say that I have never been raped, but I have had some borderline encounters. I had a friend once who gave me drugs at a party and then was very forceful about coming back to my place and sleeping with me (I wouldn't have said yes sober, and even drunk I know I did it just to not be a bother - that's how I was at that age); I had a ONS only once in my life and woke up to him having sex with me again and pushed him away but it took a lot to get him to stop; I had a boyfriend who hated sex when I was aroused, he seemed to prefer it when I wasn't and so it would hurt me (yes he enjoyed me saying it hurt too). Now I have written it down these are more than borderline, but it was years ago before there was so much awareness surrounding what is and what isn't assault so I've never thought of it that way. Also when I was very naīve.

 

Basically, and it only happens when a man is on top, I freeze up absolutely terrified. I find myself pushing him away. I've had men comment and get offended that when they are on top kissing me even, that I am pushing them away on their chest and arms, I didn't notice I did it before then. I noticed when I was kissing my new guy I was still doing this, gripping his arm and this strange feeling, absolutely terrified that he would force more than I wanted.

 

I'm wondering if it's just me who feels this way? Is there something wrong with me? I want to enjoy sex but I think I need to figure out where this fear is coming from before I can.

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(From an old-school guy's POV)

I think you're going to have to sit down and talk to this new guy. If he's a respectable man, then he'll listen and work with you - maybe even help you resolve this issue.

Tell him everything, and that you'd like to have sex with him, but you need for him to NOT get on top of you, and for him to just go slow (and use lube if you have to).

If he's into you, the conversation alone will most likely turn him on.

Have a few encounters, which may be awkward, but - again - if this guy is someone you really want, and he complies with what you need...you've got a keeper there!

And if he can't work with you, then find someone who can.

Sex isn't just a by-product of being in a relationship - it's at the heart of it. So do what you know you need to do, girl!

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You need to talk with a therapist. You've suffered sexual trauma, and obviously it was bad enough for you to avoid sex for the last five years. As you said, you want to be able to enjoy sex and figure out how to achieve that. A therapist can help you work on that. With your boyfriend, you should probably tell him that you've experienced sexual assault and that he needs to go slow. You need to be able to fully trust him and a therapist can help you work through your fears.

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Agree with others, yes you experienced severe sexual trauma, I actually shuddered while reading everything you've been through, and it's deeply affecting you, not only sexually but emotionally.

 

Please look into getting some help for yourself from a qualified professjonal specializing in sexual trauma.

 

And agree with DeepPurple, talk with your new guy, open and honest. A good guy who cares will understand and work with you. Slowly and gently.

 

You can and will get past these horrendous experiences, you have your whole life ahead of you!

 

Wishing you the best luck sweetie and ((hugs)))!!

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Hello Aching,

 

I can relate to your experience. I have gone through negative sexual encounters similar to yours. When I am "having sex" my body "freezes" and I can't feel. Are you able to enjoy it at all?

 

Well, she hasn't had sex in five years, so she can't tell you. But it sounds like you should seek out some therapy. You're suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome from a previous sexual assault. You need to talk to someone about this.

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Thank you for so many kind and supportive responses.

 

After reading this, I googled instead "realisations after MeToo" and found all the articles I couldn't find before. I never thought of these encounters as sexual assault before. I'd label them questionable maybe, but I think now there is so much more awareness and education on the matter. Those were just snippets - I had my first boss ask if I was "bare" and undo my pants to check...while we were at work and the other boss held my hands laughing. I told one date "no" and he shoved his fingers inside me. I spoke about it to him later and he said he was used to girls who "get off on that" and that no meant yes. I even went on another date with him.

 

@Danzee, just to clarify, the freezing up started years before my last few years celibate (I'd say if I've been active the last 10 years, the above scenarios took place from years 2-5 in my very early 20s). I can't pinpoint when the freezing up started, because I didn't realise I was as doing it until a partner told me I was years ago when he was kissing me and other partners when they were on top. I didn't think of this as the reason why I was single for so long before. I rethought about it when I was "pushing away" the new guy when we were kissing and came on here.

 

@cherubrock It's like my mind wants it, but my body freezes, if that makes sense? I can't enjoy it the first few times with a new partner (that's why I'm not one for casual hook-ups or the like). The first few times my heart is pounding like crazy in absolute terror - even when I was kissing this new man, and have fantasized about him and really want to sleep with him! It will take me a long time to climax, if I do at all (later in a relationship it's incredibly easy for me).

 

Oh gosh, I'm so messed up :( It's weird to have this sudden realisation.

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Why don't you wait until you have been dating a while and have the chance to let the affection and sexuality evolve. Don't repeat the all-or-nothing cycle.

I After 5 years of being properly single and a couple of years celibate, I have started dating someone new and actually cannot wait to jump in bed with him.
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@cherubrock It's like my mind wants it, but my body freezes, if that makes sense? I can't enjoy it the first few times with a new partner (that's why I'm not one for casual hook-ups or the like). The first few times my heart is pounding like crazy in absolute terror - even when I was kissing this new man, and have fantasized about him and really want to sleep with him! It will take me a long time to climax, if I do at all (later in a relationship it's incredibly easy for me).

 

 

 

Oh so your issue isn't as "severe" as mine. I don't seem to "ease up" no matter how many times we do it. I am still "frozen".

 

So the first few times with a new partner...do you feel/enjoy it at all?

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While it's a great idea to work through your experiences therapeutically, I'd keep my discussions with the new flame practical. For instance, before things heat up to the degree that you'll want to get sexual, learn where you stand with him--and where you want to stand--so that you'll be clear beforehand that you're emotionally secure. (It stopped making sense to me years ago to have sex first, then ask questions later.)

 

Also, when appropriate and before the fact, you may also want to mention that you have a claustrophobic reaction to being pinned underneath when making love. You don't need to go into details, because this isn't as uncommon as you might believe regardless of past experiences. There are plenty of ways to work around this sexually without a need to position a lover into a therapeutic role--or to position yourself into a reaction.

 

Head high, and congrAts on finding a great match!

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It sounds like you don't have enough trust with a partner, communication, relationship foundation or foreplay. Why rush in? Take your time and feel secure in a relationship first. Why rush to the "jump on top of me" scenario? What is wrong with hugging, kissing, warming up, oral etc?

 

Reading about a past which you can't change will only worsen this. If you have vaginismus or frigidity, discuss that with a gynecologist and therapist. However reading up on MeToo will enhance your anxiety before dates, by bringing up all sorts of fears and past issues. Perhaps a therapist can help you navigate why you rush in and then push them away.

I googled instead "realisations after MeToo" and found all the articles I couldn't find before. when I was kissing this new man, and have fantasized about him and really want to sleep with him! It will take me a long time to climax, if I do at all
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Sorry a lot to reply to:

@itsallgrand I'm currently resident in the UK (but am not from here originally).

@cherubrock "few times" definitely an understatement. I felt relaxed eventually with my ex, after around a year together. Shorter term relationships I'll never feel truly relaxed and enjoy it if he is on top/in control.

@catfeeder I agree - I don't want him to be my therapist and I don't want sympathy.

 

I've made an appointment with a counsellor. I know the whole MeToo thing is tiring people and it's importance is overstated, but if it has increased awareness then I think it's a good thing. I had buried all these experiences, even though they deeply troubled me at the time. I didn't realise they were assault (I wasn't clobbered over the head in a dark alley - to use the extreme example). I didn't realise the connection between those experiences and the 'terror' during sex, pushing men away before they get too close (even after nice, flirty dates), and physically pushing them away even when kissing. I have to thank you all also for making me realise this and leading me to counselling.

 

Also, I did bring it up with the new guy. I wish I had a chance to do so outside of the bedroom but what's done is done. We had been kissing for over an hour, moved on to foreplay, and then he got on top and was kissing me again and he noticed I pushed him quite hard away and he asked me if I was ok. I just said that I have had some bad experiences in the past and don't enjoy it when I feel I am not in control and would prefer to be on top. His reaction was great. He thanked me for telling him and we had fun fooling around (with me on top or side to side) then cuddled all night. I'm looking forward to seeing where our relationship goes, and working with a counsellor to see if I can get to the bottom of my terror feelings and learn to enjoy all positions again.

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I know the whole MeToo thing is tiring people and it's importance is overstated, but if it has increased awareness then I think it's a good thing. I had buried all these experiences, even though they deeply troubled me at the time. I didn't realise they were assault (I wasn't clobbered over the head in a dark alley - to use the extreme example). I didn't realise the connection between those experiences and the 'terror' during sex, pushing men away before they get too close (even after nice, flirty dates), and physically pushing them away even when kissing.

 

Be careful not to diminish the significance of what has happened to you. MeToo is probably tiring people, and making people angry and uncomfortable, but its importance cannot be overstated. Of course, it doesn't help to be brow-beaten with it but when things are suppressed in a society they tend to burst forth rather obnoxiously. It doesn't help that our media runs like a circus sideshow. MeToo will recede into the background noise soon enough, and people will grumble and forget. But for now it has helped give a voice to you and a lot of other people who didn't even realize how much they were suffering because of the degree of suppression you have lived under. To say its importance is overstated is another vestige of that suppression. Another problem is that many people are unable to recognize rape or sexual assault unless a woman is beaten or injured in the process. People don't understand the concept of rape as theft, where someone takes something from you when you are drunk or unconscious, or pressures you physically but in a non-life threatening way. Those "thieving" rapists are the most prolific because they are protected by social convention (a woman is responsible for her own actions AND the man's actions (e.g. what did you think would happen when you got drunk like that?).

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Another problem is that many people are unable to recognize rape or sexual assault unless a woman is beaten or injured in the process.

 

The thing is long before MeToo and this "new" awareness, it was always very clear to me that these situations, such as when someone is too drunk or vulnerable to properly consent, were rape in the same way as any other, or what was classed as sexual assault...when they happened to other people. It is strange to me that I didn't make the same connection with these things that happened to me. Until someone on here said they shuddered reading what I wrote.

 

I obviously have a different standard when it comes to myself. I am still downplaying it in my mind, thinking I must be a drama queen, why am I rehashing the past, etc. Maybe it's tied into some sort of guilt or self-blame that I did something to provoke the situation, or not make my protests clear enough, especially since it seems to have happened to me again and again. Yet if anyone brought up the topic of a news story and how a woman was acting, what she was wearing, what she said etc, I would never agree that those details excuse, explain, or are even relevant to what happened.

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