Friendship/Relationship Advice

I am wondering about "Girl code" and maybe am I breaking some rules in regards to a new "relationship" I am in. My friend and room mate used to talk to this guy, they talked for about 2 months, but they never were "together", and what I mean by that is, she was still seeing and sleeping with other people, she wasn't just with him. They just ended up ending whatever they were doing, just weren't clicking. She liked him, but knew it wasn't going to go anywhere. Of course I had met him during the duration of their "Talking" because I live with her, but never did I try anything, or talked to him -in that way- when they were "talking". But after they quit talking, I harmlessly messaged him regarding a video he posted on Instagram, only because I know him, and the video was funny. After this he started messaging me more, and we have been talking for almost a month. I have seen him several occasions, and I do this all in sneak. I have yet to tell my friend about me and him. I guess I do that because I feel like its bad, but at the same time, I know she wasn't like "with him with him" so, I don't feel like it is a big deal. I Like him a lot, and I don't know if it will go anywhere, but I am hopeful it will. Am I really in the wrong? Is this something that she will or should get mad about?

Well, I think dating your roommate's ex will create some friction. It's not so much as "girl's code" as it will just cause conflict. If you do want to date the guy, I would not bring him back to your apartment or have him sleep over. A lot of people just don't want to see their old exes pop back up in their lives.

I would just bring it up to your friend that you are interested in dating him and see how it goes from there. If she is upset about it then you need to decide whose more important. If they never were together than she probably wont care

Well, I think dating your roommate's ex will create some friction. It's not so much as "girl's code" as it will just cause conflict. If you do want to date the guy, I would not bring him back to your apartment or have him sleep over. A lot of people just don't want to see their old exes pop back up in their lives.

He wasn't an ex, he was just some guy she dated and slept with lol. But I agree about not having the guy sleep over. It'd be awkward.

If you were in her shoes and she did what you did, would you get mad? If they had had sex, then imo, yes, what you did was breaking "girl code". I guess it depends on personal standards, but imo approaching and secretly getting involved with a guy that you knew previously had sex with your friend and roommate sounds insensitive towards her. I would seriously question such a "friendship".

Why not see if this goes beyond "talking". By "talking" do you mean hooking up, dating or just texting? You didn't "harmlessly send him a message". You went straight for him when your roommate was done with him, which is fine.

Be honest with yourself at east even if you think you want to hide who you are "talking to" hooking up with, dating, whatever from your roommate. Why are you concerned about this if she moved on?

I had met him during the duration of their "Talking" because I live with her. after they quit talking, I harmlessly messaged him and we have been talking for almost a month. I have seen him several occasions, and I do this all in sneak.

I am concerned bc she is my friend. and Yes, I most def harmlessly messaged him, I had done already in the past, so it wasnt nothing for me to message him about a funny video or something. He would hang out with both of us, funny guy, so me messaging him was a just friendly gesture, I had no intentions of it going anywhere or that starting anything. By Talking, I mean...... Seeing each other regularly (Like once a week, maybe twice), Talking/Texting regularly, and sleeping together.

I have thought about it, to put myself in her shoes... But when I do, I cant see that I would get mad, bc she wasnt just with him, she didnt Just sleep with him, she was sleeping with multiple people, and dating around. I could see if she was emotionally involved with him, and they were "dating" but they werent, so... if I think of it as what it was, and it was me.. I wouldnt be mad at all. There is also questioning of her friendship with me anyways, to make a long story short, I left my husband this past May, Me and him have had troubles for about a year, and I since moving to OH would leave him and move back home to VA, The last time I left him...... As we were friends, she went into the house me and my husband, and child share, and tried to get with my husband. Im not trying to say, that since she did, I can..... But if your questioning "such a a friendship" then.... Im not the only one.

Why not just be yourself? She will eventually catch on so why tell her or hide it? Just continue to date the guy if you like him. It doesn't matter if they were exclusive or not or who else she slept with. What matters is they broke up and you started messaging him and sleeping with him, which is fine..

Well, I think dating your roommate's ex will create some friction. It's not so much as "girl's code" as it will just cause conflict. If you do want to date the guy, I would not bring him back to your apartment or have him sleep over. A lot of people just don't want to see their old exes pop back up in their lives.

I have had him at the apartment when she isnt there... (that sounds bad) But he never stays the night.... and she doesnt know about me and him so....

Why not just be yourself? She will eventually catch on so why tell her or hide it? Just continue to date the guy if you like him. It doesn't matter if they were exclusive or not or who else she slept with. What matters is they broke up and you started messaging him and sleeping with him, which is fine..

I want to so bad.. It sucks not being able to share with her that I am seeing him... Bc I like him alot... I think I am trying to figure out how to approach it. I dont want to rub it the wrong way.... It has almost been a month now.....

There is also questioning of her friendship with me anyways, to make a long story short, I left my husband this past May, Me and him have had troubles for about a year, and I since moving to OH would leave him and move back home to VA, The last time I left him...... As we were friends, she went into the house me and my husband, and child share, and tried to get with my husband. Im not trying to say, that since she did, I can..... But if your questioning "such a a friendship" then.... Im not the only on

Unless I'm misreading this, you're now roommates with her? This situation doesn't seem to add up.

Unless I'm misreading this, you're now roommates with her? This situation doesn't seem to add up.

Yes, I left my husband, I put the act of her doing that to me previous, and moved in with her. I am not from here.. I am from VA. and I have no family here, or anything so when I left my husband I wanted to stay and start my life over, and she let me move in with her. (I know it is confusing....) I could have wrote a novel haha

In that case do not sleep with her ex in her house. Unless you want to be homeless. Go to his place. What if she comes back unexpectedly and there he is coming out of your bedroom? Use common sense. Sleep with this guy somewhere else. Don't you think it's kind of creepy that he slinks around her and now her roommate? It may be best to find your own guys.

I left my husband. moved in with her. when I left my husband I wanted to stay and start my life over, and she let me move in with her.

In that case do not sleep with her ex in her house. Unless you want to be homeless. Go to his place. What if she comes back unexpectedly and there he is coming out of your bedroom? Use common sense. Sleep with this guy somewhere else. Don't you think it's kind of creepy that he slinks around her and now her roommate? It may be best to find your own guys.

Im not on here to get judged, and I have no problem finding my own man.... and as stated in another reply.. I wasn't trying to get with him, it was just something that happen, you cant help when you meet someone if it just clicks, no matter the circumstance. I do need advice yes, but I guess I was thinking that people would realize that I didn't plan on this happening, and its YOUR life, so why not make yourself happy. I cant help that her and him didn't work out, that wasn't my fault, and I dont see nothing wrong with the fact that he is with me... and she is NOT his ex.... read more of the story....above... Its not creepy if he feels more of a connection with me then her.... I really didn't think that I would be replied to this way.... common sense I have.. I'm sorry if I just wanna be happy, and unfortunately it may be with this guy, that USED to TALK to my room mate..... Shame on me....

If you want to be happy and less worried, go to his place. It has nothing to do with if you wanted it to happen or not. It has to do with respecting your friend's house and staying at the guys place, whether it was someone she was with or not.

I was thinking that people would realize that I didn't plan on this happening, and its YOUR life, so why not make yourself happy. I cant help that her and him didn't work out

Is this something that she will or should get mad about?

You're the only one in a position to know that or to find that out. Discuss him with her, and learn whether she was really into him or not. If not, there's your opening to mention an interest in seeing him.

If she was really into him, and he hurt her, then you'll need to figure out where to go with that. Cross that bridge if you come to it.

I think what you need to do is actively pursue other housing arrangements and extract yourself from this so-called friend of yours. Why you're still friends with someone who tried to screw your husband (I don't care if your marriage was crumbling) is beyond me, but you took it up a notch and moved in with her. Now you're actively pursuing one of her prior sex toys. I don't think your contacting this man or maintaining any romantic involvement was "by accident." Every step along the way, you could have put a stop to it. Given that your so-called friend and this guy just had a casual sex thing going, this situation will hopefully not be problematic, but be prepared for some serious fallout. This could go south in a hurry. This isn't a "t!t for tat" situation. I don't care that she put the moves on your husband, it doesn't absolve you in pursuing one of her exes, even if she was loose and casual with him. All you can do is fill her in on the current events, if this guy is important enough to keep around, and hope for the best. Agreed, don't bring him around the house and put him and your relationship "in her face." Slowly work into this because if either of these people are keepers, they're going to have to share air space.

You left your husband 6 months ago with a child in tow and moved to a new state, and I'm assuming you're not even divorced. Are you really in a position to be pursuing a relationship in addition to a precarious friendship on top of that?? Those two slept together and she put the moves on your husband...what kind of trust are you going to have that she won't go after this guy she already boinked and that he'll comply and sleep with her because "it's casual" and apparently all of these relationships have zero boundaries?

I think you need to find other housing, get your life in order, care for your child, extract this non-friend from your life, and THEN pursue a relationship, and hopefully not a friend's prior boy toy. This entire situation is so messy.